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Dr Squatch Soap

    Listen up, the soap you shower with, is sh*t. You probably haven't even questioned what bar of soap you lather up with. Let's face it, most guys don't. They're still using whatever bar their mommy bought their little man. Is that what you want--to smell like mama's little man? But now, you can upgrade your shower game with Dr. Squatch natural soap. I'm talking about natural, nourishing, cold pressed, hand cut soap for men. Men who use their hands, men who build things. Men who open the pickle jar on the first try. Men who catch foul balls without spilling their beer. You won't just smell good either. Your skin will be healthier and more nourished, dare I say, soft. Oh, men aren't supposed to have soft skin? Yeah, men weren't supposed to cry during movies. And then they made the movie Rudy sniffles like a bitch. He's so little. You want to smell like the forest? Boom. Pine Tar. We've got you. You want to smell like the sea? Boom. Nautical sage. We've got you. You want to smell like you've just got off a boat in the Caribbean? Boom. Bay rum. We've got you. And with six more scents, we've got you covered no matter what kind of man you are. Now you're wondering, why have I been doing it wrong for so long? During the First World War, Big Soap started taking out all the NAAturaLLL ingredients, to make production cheaper and faster. They replaced all the natural stuff with chemicals. Chemicals like Sodium Laurel Sulphate, Parabens, and Dioxaine. Chemicals linked to depression, liver damage, cancer and low sperm count. And worst of all, dry skin. Ugh. Your poor balls, dry empty and sad. But there's good news. We make our soaps with natural ingredients from the Earth. Ingredients like oils, plants, goat's milk, greek yogurt, oatmeal, shea butter, and citrus. Nose nigga tries to steal oranges No! Turn your shower game up to 11. With the smooth lather of gold moss or the exfoiliating woodsy bliss that is Pine Tar, get ready to step out of the shower feeling alive. Still not sure? Here's a couple review from real customers. Joeseph Stalin says enter gay black guy this is the perfect bar of soap. It's like it was hand crafted in the North West forest by beautiful, tiny elves. Oh, tiny elves isn't enough for you? Well here's another review from Michael A enter dude who never hit puberty it makes you feel like you just stepped out of a mountain stream and squatch was there to hand you the towel. Time for you to get the right tool for the job, because you're worth it my friend. We ship it right to your door and with 100% sudisfaction guarantee, if its not the best bar of soap you've ever used, it's on us. Tens of thousands of men already soapscribe, which means that every month fresh new bars of Squatch show up at their door. Click the link for Dr. Squatch Natural Soap. Real soap, for real men. Or don't, and continue to be mommy's little helper.

    Alternate version

    Listen up, the soap you shower with? It's shit.
    
    You probably haven't even questioned what
    
    bar soap you lather up with.
    
    Lets face it. Most guys don't
    
    They're still using whatever bar their
    
    mommy bought for her little man.
    
    Is that you want? To smell like momma's
    
    little man?
    
    But now you can upgrade your shower game with
    
    Dr. Squatch Natural Soap.
    
    I'm talking about natural nourishing hand-cut soap
    
    for men.
    
    Men who use their hands.
    
    Men who build things.
    
    Men who open the pickle jar on the first try.
    
    Men who catch foul balls without spillin' their beer.
    
    You won't just smell good either.
    
    Your skin will be healthier and be more nourished.
    
    Dare I say? Soft.
    
    Oh, Men aren't supposed to have soft skin?
    
    Well, men weren't supposed to cry during movies.
    
    And then they made the movie Rudy.
    
    He's so little.

    Pasta o mentosie

      Drogie mirki. Piszę tę historię ku przestrodze wszystkim tym, którzy nie rozgryzają mentosów od razu po włożeniu do ust.
      
      Otóż ja i moja dziewczyna poszliśmy na studia do różny miast. Po miesiącu rozłąki zdecydowaliśmy się wreszcie spotkać, a jako że byłem bardzo szczęśliwy z tego powodu, postanowiłem zrobić jej minetę.
      
      Zawsze mi się to podobało, ale tym razem z jakiegos powodu jej cipka śmierdziała jak martwy papież, a smakowała jeszcze gorzej. Nie chciałem ją urazić, więc wziąłem mentosa. W trakcie lizania, przez przypadek wepchnąłem go w nią, ale na całe szczęście mam zręczne palce i szybko go wygrzebałem, włożyłem z powrotem do ust i rozgryzłem. Niestety to co znalazło się w moich ustach nie było mentosem. Był to guzek rzeżączki.
      
      (Należy tutaj zauważyć, że ów guzek był wielkości pierdolonego mentosa)
      
      Zamiast lodowej świeżości moje usta wypełniły się ropą. Zacząłem krzyczeć, rzygać i rzucać się po całym pokoju. Kiedy juz nie miałem czym już bełtać i przepłukałem usta, zażądałem żeby powiedziała mi o co tu kurwa chodzi. Okazało się że głupia suka zdradziła mnie z jakimś kolesiem w tydzień po wyjeździe i nawet nie miała pojęcia, że coś z nią nie tak.
      
      Od tamtego czasu siedzę w mojej piwnicy, lecząc rzeżączkę w ustach i edukuję ludzi na temat prawidłowej konsumpcji mentosów. 

      Translated version

      Dear mirki. I am writing this story as a warning to all those who do not chew their mentos immediately after putting them in their mouths.
      
      Well, my girlfriend and I went to study in different cities. After a month of separation, we finally decided to meet, and as I was so happy about it, I decided to give her a cunnilingus.
      
      I've always liked it, but this time for some reason her pussy smelled like a dead pope and tasted even worse. I didn't want to offend her, so I took Mentos. In the process of licking, I accidentally shoved it into her, but luckily my fingers were dexterous and I quickly dug it out, put it back in my mouth and chewed it. Unfortunately, what was in my mouth was not a Mentos. It was a gonorrhea lump.
      
      (Note here that this lump was the size of a fucking Mentos)
      
      Instead of icy freshness, my mouth filled with pus. I started screaming, puking and throwing myself around the room. When I had nothing to argue with and rinsed my mouth, I demanded that she tell me what the fuck is going on here. It turned out that a stupid female dog cheated on me with some guy a week after we left and she had no idea there was anything wrong with her.
      
      Since then, I have been sitting in my basement treating gonorrhea in my mouth and educating people about the correct consumption of mentos.

      Navy seal copypasta (Original)

        The original Navy Seal copypasta
        What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

        MERRY🎅COCKMAS🍆

          Entire Christmas copypasta

          MERRY🎅COCKMAS🍆🍆🍆🍆😜😜😜🐓🐓🐓🐓 AND HAPPY 😁 HOE-LIDAYS 😲😲😲😩😩😩 THIS YEAR 📆 I'M DEFINITELY ✅ ON THE 😈😈😈NAUGHTY😈😈😈LIST📜📝 BECAUSE I'M 👈A GIGANTIC 🏳‍🌈🌈🏳‍🌈🌈🏳‍🌈🌈🏳‍🌈🌈🎄❄HO-HO-HOMOSEXUAL❄🎄🏳‍🌈🌈🏳‍🌈🌈🏳‍🌈🌈🏳‍🌈🌈 WHICH IS NOT 🙅‍♀️❌ VERY CHRISTIAN ⛪🙏 BUT I STILL CAN APPRECIATE 😜 SAINT DICK ✨🎉✨🎉 I CAN'T WAIT FOR 🎅SANTA🎅 TO SLIDE DOWN MY CHIMNEY ⬇🏠😜💦 AND STUFF MY STOCKING 🧦🎁😜 FULL OF DILDOS 😱🍆 AND PENIS PARAPHERNALIA 🍆🍆🍆🍆💦💦💦 BECAUSE I'M JUST A LITTLE 🤏 FESTIVE 🎄🎅🤶⛄❄🎁FAGOT*🏳‍🌈🌈🏳‍🌈🌈🍆🍆😜😜😩😩😩💦💦💦
          
          SO TO ALL MY 💋👄💋👄💋SLUTTY 😩😩😩💋💋💋 SANTA'S 🎅🎅🏿🎅🏽🎅🏻 LITTLE HELPERS 😉😉😉👏👏& HORNY 😩😈 CHRISTMAS ELVES 🧝🏻‍♂️🧝🏻‍♂️🧝🏻‍♂️ REMEMBER LET IT "SNOW" 🌨🌨🌨❄❄❄❄⛄⛄⛄😜😜😜😜😜💦💦💦💦 AND DON'T FORGET TO 🌟✨🌟✨DECORATE✨🌟✨🌟 YOUR "TREE" 😜😜😜🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 I'LL BE WAITING 🕚🕕🕠 UNDER THE MISTLETOE 🍃🦶 WRAPPED UP IN RIBBON 😳🎁🎀💝 WAITING ⏱ FOR YOU 👆TO UNWRAP 😳🎀 ME SO WE CAN TASTE 👅💦 EACHOTHER'S CANDY CANES 🍬✨🍬✨🍬✨😩😩😩🍆🍆🍆💦💦💦

          Katanas are Underpowered in D20

            Katanas are underpowered in D20
            That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
            
            I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.
            
            Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.
            
            Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.
            
            Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.
            
            So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:
            
            (One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
            1d12 Damage
            19-20 x4 Crit
            +2 to hit and damage
            Counts as Masterwork
            
            (Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
            2d10 Damage
            17-20 x4 Crit
            +5 to hit and damage
            Counts as Masterwork
            
            Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?
            
            tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

            Lao Gan Ma

              Please help me, I am being held in a Chinese enternment camp. They force me to kill my family, I am being tortured daily, I don't know if I'll make it out alive... The only food I can eat is Lao Gan ma. "What the hell is Lao Gan ma?" that's what I asked them. They told me it's just chilly sauce. I sneak around to the back of the factory. As it turns out Lao Gan Ma is made from the flesh of my dead family. So I've been eating my wife and kid this whole time... they're gonna feed me more of this shit....
              Nǐ hǎo, wēi bó! Wǒ mùqián zhèngzài pāishè diànyǐng, xiànzài zhèngzài xiūxí hé yòngcān. Wǒ bùnéng zài pāishè guòchéng zhōng shǐyòng shǒujī, suǒyǐ wǒ xiànzài zhèngzài pāishè zhège (shìpín), yīnwèi tāmen gěile wǒ lǎo gàn mā.” Tā shuō. “Wǒ duì lǎo gàn mā bù shúxī, dàn zhōngguó rén shuō zhè shì yī zhǒng jí hǎo de làjiāo jiàng. Yīncǐ, xiànzài wǒ měitiān zài huāyēcài shàng shǐyòng lǎo gàn mā. Wǒ yòngle hěnduō lǎo gàn mā. Zhè bùshì guǎnggào. Wǒ yǔ lǎo gàn mā méiyǒu rènhé guānxì.
              拍摄期间我无法使用手机,但现在可以了,因为他们给了我这个手机。 我对Lao Gan Ma一无所知,但是中国人说这是一种非常好的 the chilli sauce,所以现在我每天都在西兰花上放一些Lao Gan Ma。 我使用了很多Lao Gan Ma,但这不是广告,Lao Gan Ma从来没有要求我为他们做任何广告。 但是我认为很多人都开始吃这种东西。 我的意思是拥抱中国文化,因为许多中国人认为这是他们文化的一部分。 现在我只吃很多Lao Gan Ma和西兰花,这真的非常好,我喜欢。