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Burglar is wasted points

    By u/JonBlackfyreTruther, its a shitpost for Project Zomboid on someone who refuses to put their points into burglar.

    Get home from work. Make dinner, talk to my wife, put my daughter to bed. It's now 9 pm. What should I do with the exactly 2 hours of free time I have left in the day?

Play Project Zomboid of course.

Open up character creator, default apocalypse settings of course. Just want to shoot some zombies, and run them over on the highway. You know, fun stuff. Don't take burglar; I can learn to hotwire for free.

Burglar is wasted points.

Spawn in and try and find a car so I can get to the military surplus store. Hmm not a lot of keys for these cars. Still stuck in Rosewood.

Burglar is wasted points.

Okay well I'll just learn to hotwire real quick. Find a mechanics book but not an electrical book.

Burglar is wasted points.

Start disassembling watches. Check my phone once I learn how to hotwire. It's 2 am, I needed to be in bed 2 hours ago but I spent all my free time learning how to hotwire instead of playing the game.

Burglar is wasted points.

Start shaking and sobbing as I crawl into bed next to my wife. A horrible epiphany crests and roars through my mind like a great ocean wave.

"Honey, what's wrong? Were you playing that zombie game? Are you crying cause you picked Burglar?

Burglar is wasted points," She whispers.

I look deep into her dark brown eyes filled with love and concern.

"No dear," I sob

"I'm crying cause I didn't pick burglar."

She recoiled as if I struck her.

I didn't know what I saw in her eyes that night as she started packing her bags and waking our daughter. I didn't know what it meant until the divorce papers arrived a week later.

What I saw was love dying.

Burglar is wasted points.

    Stop talking about individual penis length as if it’s the same every time.

      source
      Stop talking about individual penis length as if it's the same every time. 

I took many dick pics to (consensually) send to my (now ex) girlfriend when I was still with her. One thing I noticed in the different pics was that the size and shape of my erect penis was variable. This makes sense because erections are caused by blood flow, and the tissue is highly elastic. Additionally, arousal levels are different every time. Hydration levels are different. Anxiety is different. Engorgement is different. People who appear to be lying about penis length may actually be sincerely estimating based on "peak performance" rather than the average. This is why I like edging and keeping myself aroused for long periods of time while trying not to cum too often, because this makes my cock look nice and thick.

No, I will not be posting pictures. I thought of posting my dick pics on a suitable subreddit but decided against it because most people follow my account for (admittedly often horny) shitposts and natural history facts. Even with spoilers, I don't want to accidentally cyberflash anyone. This is why I use Google Drive to store my personal porn stash instead of my phone's offline gallery, as I may accidentally send a picture of anthro Maud Pie's deliciously phat ass to a conservative fossil collector friend in America while trying to negotiate a deal for a *Nanotyrannus* tooth, or worse, accidentally sending a dick pic or Melony's milky MILF tits to a fellow member of my local rockhounding club. I don't even play Pokemon (the creature designs are too cartoony), I just like thicc, busty MILFs.

I rest my case.

      Wow. Just wow. I sat here expecting at least the smallest crumb of humor and instead you delivered whatever that was supposed to be

        Wow. Just wow. I sat here expecting at least the smallest crumb of humor and instead you delivered whatever that was supposed to be. Not a laugh, not a smile, not even that polite nose exhale people do when something is mildly amusing. My face remained completely motionless the entire time like I had just read the nutritional label on a cereal box. I actually paused for a second because I thought maybe the joke had not loaded yet, but no. That was the whole thing. I refuse to believe a real human being looked at that and thought “yes, this is ready for public consumption.” I tried to give it a chance. I really did. I reread it three times thinking maybe there was some hidden comedic genius that my brain had simply missed the first time. Nothing. The more I looked at it the worse it became. At this point I am convinced the joke was not written but assembled by randomly pulling words out of a hat. Somewhere out there a clown just lost their job because you single handedly lowered the global standard for humor. You know when people say something is painfully unfunny as a figure of speech. This is not that. This is a scientific phenomenon. If researchers studied the effects of that joke they would probably discover a new emotion that sits somewhere between confusion and secondhand embarrassment. I felt my brain actively trying to escape my skull just to avoid processing it. That level of disappointment should honestly be documented for future generations. I want you to understand the effort I put into trying to find the joke funny. I leaned back in my chair. I squinted slightly like maybe the angle of my eyes would reveal something clever. I even looked away and came back to it later just in case my mood was the problem. Still nothing. My reaction remained the same blank expression someone has when they accidentally open the wrong tab on their browser. If humor were a sport this would be the equivalent of showing up to the Olympics and immediately tripping over your own shoelaces before the event even begins. Just seeing this ruined my entire life.

        holy shit dude u literally popped off with this one i am shaking in the club rn

          holy shit dude u literally popped off with this one i am shaking in the club rn because that ending was so gas i can't even breathe properly like the way u handled the climax was so big brained and i'm literally obsessed with how u describe the atmosphere because it's so moody and perfect and i've literally read this three times already just today because i'm a total simp for ur writing style and u never miss with these updates like actually how r u so talented it's not fair to the rest of us mortals Imao but anyway u r the goat and i love u for posting this but also it's kinda crazy how u can write all this deep shit but u probably can't even cook an egg or change a tire or do anything that actually makes u a useful person in society like u r definitely the type of person who lets their mail pile up for months because u r too scared to open an envelope and u probably live in a room that smells like stale energy drinks and failure while ur parents wonder where they went wrong with u honestly.

          Friends refer to me as the Rick friend

            From a Tiktok video of a guy telling his teammates in a video game that his friends call him the “Rick Friend”. Many people claim that the original audio was from an Overwatch clip but this has yet to be confirmed. 

            Friends refer to me as like the Rick friend because, like, I'm smart and all I do is talk shit about everything 'cause it's fun. Being a hater is fun. Being badass comes at a cost though, like, it's not just fun. Being a cold person makes the world seem colder but, like, that's just something I picked up from being cold, like, myself. My other fucking nickname is beyond because of my attitude, like, my friends literally call me Sub Zero 'cause if I had to choose between people and living in the forest forever then, like, I choose the forest.