Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
Wake up at 8 PM the night before so I’m up before the enemy.
Look at myself in the mirror, punch the mirror, scrape a shard of broken glass across my face to shave. Lubricate with motor oil. Once.
Turn the shower all the way to cold and climb in. Scrub my junk with steel wool.
Make my bed. Wife is still in it. Doesn’t matter, make the bed anyway.
Get in the truck to go to work. AC is for weenies. Drink my own sweat for hydration.
Arrive at the steel mill. Punch in. Guy says I don’t work there and was never hired. He’s been saying that dice my first day on the job. I was seven years old. Doesn’t matter, it’s about the grind, not the money. Put in a light day - 46 hours.
Drive home. Eat a bottle of Guinness for dinner. Crunchy. Spit out the cap when I’m done.
Lay down to sleep at 7:45 PM.
Repeat.
I remember my friends and I sitting in the computer lab at school right when RuneScape really started blowing up.
My friend was especially into it, and would spend each and every day telling me little bits of trivia about something I could not care less about. Time and time again, I told him I didn’t care. Finally, I had to sit him down and tell him that I recently discovered the Mr. Hands video, and that was far more important to me than any silly game.
He stopped playing RuneScape within a couple years but over two decades later, guess who is still watching furry porn? That’s right, me.
Chef Boyardee beefaroni. One summer, because I was hella bored, I bought some chef Boyardee beefaroni and put it in my friend's mailbox as a prank. He didn't find it but his parents did, and they asked their neighbors who did it. He suspected me at first, but I managed to get him off of my tail. Now our neighborhoods were fairly close to eachother, so I could be over there in a 50 minute walk. Every night, I walked up to their neighborhood (walking anywhere at 2:am is creepy as hell but the Boyardee bandit does not stop for demons) and put a can of beefaroni inside their mailbox. After about a month, they call the police to find out who's putting beefaroni in their mailbox. Luckily the police really didn't care that much and just told them to get a camera which they eventually did. Meanwhile my friend is telling me all of this from his perspective, right, so I usually know what they do before I strike. So I start covering my face, and pretend to hunch over. I have no idea where this camera is, so I can never be too careful. They call the cops again and give them a profile, and now the cops are looking for a crippled beefaroni bandit. After a solid 3 months of this shit, one of the baggers at the store gets word somehow, and starts getting suspicious because he sees me buying tons of beefaroni. He confronts me, I tell him the truth, and I shit you not he starts helping me beefaroni my friend's house. We're putting it all over hiding it in the lawns, porch, fence, you name it. Halloween rolls around, and I dress up as chef Boyardee. I go to my friends house and say "your daily subscription to Chef Boyardee beefaroni has ended. Would you like to renew?". I hear laughter in the background, and it's the store clerk. Turns out he recently started dating best friend's sister, and that's how he heard. Truth be told, I don't think I've ever been punched harder than when my friend found out. Good times. We still laugh about it from time to time.
TLDR. Bought and hid chef Boyardee beefaroni for nearly half a year around my best friend's house. The Beefaroni bandit strikes again!
"Can I have the fruit pancakes please?"
>"The what? There's nothing on the menu called "fruit pancakes". "Th-the fresh fruit pancakes." >"Huh..."
"Th-this one..." [points to menu]
>"Say it."
"What?"
>"Say. It."
"I'd like a... r-....rooty t-tooty...."
>"Say it like you mean it."
[starting to cry] "I-I want a r-r-rooty t-tooty f-f-....f- fresh n... n fruity...."
Why do dining establishments like to humiliate their customers like this?
I once let out a wet tuna fart walking down a hallway I thought I was alone in, totally crop dusted it for a good 6 steps of squeaks. a very attractive woman then turned the corner ahead of me and started heading right at me.
So I decided to preempt what I knew she would smell, and commented "be careful, smells like the trash needs taken out or something"
She kinda chuckles and passes me, theres a tense pause as I wait to see if she says something.
The hallway suddenly echos with the sound of a like, choking cough? The kind a cat makes when trying to get a hairball up, like the taste of the air punched down her sinuses and slammed into her tongue. A single, loud sound like a shotgun going off into a bowl of jello.
This happened like 22 years ago. I still think about it from time to time. It's shaped who I am as a person.
On our fifth day, they told us only one intern will get a return offer.
Do you guys have any advice on how I can secure a return offer?
Let me give some backstory. I was a top student in high school, 1510 on the SAT, top 5% in my class. I ended up going to a good, but not amazing uni because of the scholarship money. Of course, if someone asks what school I attend, I make sure to mention that I COULD have gone to UMich or UT Austin but I just couldn't afford it.
I just finished my sophomore year and started an internship at a large financial company that most of you have heard of. People who aren't really in the loop think I'm cracked when I tell them where I'm interning, but the truth is, the interview was incredibly easy. They asked me basic data structure questions, and were surprised when I had a strong grasp on linked lists.
The first day of the internship was last week. I was one of the first ones there. My mom had to drop me off before work because I don't have a car. Of course, if anyone asks, it's because I'm extremely punctual. Slowly, interns started to flood into the rotunda of our beautiful campus. The building was filled with a familiar, slightly upper middle class odor. Bright smiles filled the room.
Everybody was really excited. There were around 70 of us. I introduced my self to the two guys next to me: Xavier and Siddharth.
Siddharth was an interesting fellow. He claimed to be a personality hire but had 4 Hackathon wins and 100 Leetcode questions completed. He talked a lot and had a LeBron James wallpaper on his phone.
Xavier, on the other hand, was very chill. He said he had two other offers, one from a defense company and the other from a telecom company. He ended up choosing this one because software engineers at banks don't really do any work and WLB is really important to him.
Anyway, as the day went on, we were introduced to our teams, got our laptops set up, got familiar with the campus (we have a tennis court btw). As I was walking with my new friends, I overheard this girl say that there's no way she'd stay at this shithole, and that she only wants this company on her resume so that she can recruit for CDFAANG. I stopped in my tracks and asked her what CDFAANG means.
"Capital One, Deloitte, Facebook, Apple, Amazon, Nvidia, Google. How do you not know what CDFAANG stands for?".
I kept walking.
Later I had lunch with Siddharth and Xavier. Unfortunately we had to bring lunch from home because the cafeteria did not have free food. We talked about our favorite Naruto moments.
Anyway, we did team building activites and stuff like that for the first two days, and on Wednesday we started actually working. My first sprint was to improve productivity tracking on an internal tool using machine learning algorithms and analytical data blockchain engines to further bolster our tech stack. Fairly simple task.
The week passed fast and it was finally Friday. Every Friday morning, we have an intern meeting apparently. I was there early, of course, but eventually, the other interns started pouring in.
The lights dim, and our intern director had a serious look on his face.
Interns start whispering.
"We understand this news may not be appealing to you, but unfortunately, for budgeting reasons, only one of you will receive a return offer. I understand you guys have already made friends here, but you must consider everyone your rival."
Everyone froze. Our smiles faded away. The CDFAANG girl fainted. Siddharth was seething. Xavier was about to cry.
Me? I lowkey have a fall internship at IBM so I was chilling tbh.
Anyway, there was a sad sad air that filled the day. The hallways weren't as loud as they were before. Xavier didn't say a word the whole day, as if he ran out of tokens.
The intern hunger games had begun.
