Storytime

By u/abefrost, its a parody of the Libertarian Paradise copypasta but changed to MAGA.

I was drinking a "Bud Light but I Swear We're Not Trans Now" and watching “The Art of the Deal in 30 Seconds” in the front seat of my unmarked SUV when a call came in. It was ICE Chief Smith.

“Bad news, officer. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to put a pride flag on the courthouse again?”

“Worse. Somebody just employed a Mexican.”

The can almost fell out of my hands. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Giving away an American's job to someone who will lower wages, deal drugs, and stuff the state's voting box with Democrat votes? Don't they know that every Mexican here destroys our American traditions and contributes to the Great Replacement? Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to find out who did this and we’re going to take them down. Provided the Mexican is here illegally.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “If they’re here, we already know they're illegal."

“That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski," then under his breath "...even if you are a polack. Just make sure you get them."

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by pedestrians. I drove over them and went inside.

“Flock™ Presents ICE!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Steven Miller “Nobody move towards me or I will take it as a threat!” They didn’t, but I shot an old woman that blinked anyway. Her eyelid could have been armed.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to tell me who hired the Mexican?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of our borders is the foundation of all American freedom?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. If you don't cooperate with law enforcement, how can you feel safe? What if your dog is the next one to get eaten?" I shot a service dog to reinforce the point. "See, now imagine that's your dog."

These people were stonewalling me. I should have known better than to try and get them to empathize, it's a sin for a reason. But it almost seemed like they didn’t care that an American job was stolen.

I figured I could wait them out. I started talking about the wall. A pregnant lady coughed, and I shot since the lack of cooperation probably meant it was an anchor baby. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“AMERICA FIRST, SCUMBAG!” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. Ugh. Iran.

He was faster than me because he jumped on a communist-looking bike (is there any other kind) and I only buy American-made shoes. Our country needs higher tariffs because even at 100%, criminals buy low-quality Chinese crap.

I was losing him. “Listen, maybe you can buy a pardon!” I yelled. “A real one! From the President! As you know, it's only corrupt if he doesn't pardon himself for selling them!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the constitution in my Trump Bible said he had every right to own (provided he wasn't trans). He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun and fired back. The bullet lodged in a taco truck less than a foot from his head. I shot the truck again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, ICE! I confess: I employed the Mexican.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Mexico Paid for These™ Handcuffs® on the guy.

"He was a white guy named Gary, but he had the guts to wear a sombrero on Cinco de Mayo."

We both knew that counted. I nodded grimly, encouraging him to continue.

"And I was afraid."

“Afraid?”

“Afraid America would become economically self-sufficient for all heritage Americans,” he said. “I’m a DEI antifa globalist.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a DEI antifa globalist killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your socialist friends out on the street,” I said. ““No matter how many elections you steal, no matter how many jobs you give to foreigners, and no matter how many pronouns you invent, you’ll never take away the dream of a great American nation.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right.

Then I shot him.