Its a parody of the Xiangling copypasta but changed to Neon from Valorant due to how meta she.
I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of Neon. I try to place cypher trips. Stun, dash, pew pew zap brrr. I try to dash away with jett. Stun, dash, pew pew zap brrr. I try to place vyse traps and a sheer wall. Stun, dash, pew pew zap brrr. I want to place sound sensors to stop her push. Sova just shock darts it. I want to outplay her by playing a shotgun - i get breach stunned. She grabs me by the throat. I buy her a judge. I omen blind for her. I give her the ult orb. She isn't satisfied. I tell her ill entry with you. "I'll just util dump for you" She tells me. "Stop fucking baiting me and help me hit a clip." She grabs jett and forces her to throw herself into site infront of enemies. "You just need to bait for me more. I can get an ace with my laser fingers"" We cant just go in recklessly to get picked off just to bait for u". She shows the leaderboard. "You are 4/18/15. As if you can find picks anyway" She starts using her ult". She says "OoOi Im PIsSed." You start hearing footsteps running away from site. Nothing but pure fear of that fuckin ult. What a shitty game we play
I 😊 can't ❌ take ✋ it anymore. I'm 👌 sick 😷 of Neon. 🤖 I 😀 try to place cypher trips. Stun, dash, 💨 pew pew 💀 zap brrr. I try to dash away with jett. Stun, dash, 💨 pew 💀 pew 💀 zap ⚡ brrr. I 💸 try 💪 to place 🏆🤤 vyse traps and a sheer wall. Stun, dash, pew 💀 pew 💀 zap ⚡ brrr. I 👈 want 😭🙏 to place 🏆🤤 sound sensors to stop ✋❌😢 her 🙄🙄🧐 push. ❗🏽 Sova just shock darts it. I 💁🏿 want 😍 to outplay her by 👷😗 playing 🎮 a shotgun - i 👓 get 🍒 breach stunned. 😯 She 😝 grabs me by 🥀 the throat. 💋 I 😀😀😀 buy 🛍️ her 💭🚺🚺 a judge. I 👈 omen blind for 4️⃣ her. I 😳 give ✨ her the ult orb. She 👉 isn't ❌ satisfied. 😆 I 👁️ tell 🗣️🙊 her 💃🏾 ill 📷 entry with you. "I'll 💪 just util dump for 🆙💕 you" 👈 She tells 🗣️ me. "Stop ✋🚫 fucking 😡🏻 baiting me and help me hit 🔞💯 a clip." She 💁♀️ grabs jett and forces her 👩 to throw 👐 herself 👧 into 🚟👉 site infront of enemies. "You 👈☝🏻 just 🕛👀 need 😶 to bait for 🚣🏻 me 😳 more. ☠️☠️ I can 🤦♂️ get 💼 an ace with my 👨 laser fingers"" 🏘️ We cant ⛔ just go 🏃 in recklessly to get 😧 picked off 📴 just 💪👏 to bait for ❓ u". 🌺 She 👩🏽 shows 📺 the leaderboard. "You are 4/18/15. As if you ☝🏻 can ☺️ find 🔍🔍 picks ⛏️ anyway" 🙄🙄 She starts 🔘 using 🏻🏻 her 👩 ult". She says 💬 "OoOi Im 😂👌 PIsSed." 😈 You start 🤤👄 hearing 👂 footsteps running 👟 away 🍗✂️ from 👉😮 site. Nothing 🈚 but pure 😘 fear of that ➡️ fuckin 👉👌😩 ult. What 🤔 a shitty game we 🚟 play 🎮 (edited) 👨🏽🔧
ATTENTION PLAYER! 市民请注意!
This is the Central Intelligence of the OverUsed Council of Smogon. 您的浏览记录和活动引起了我们的注意 YOUR ACTIVITY HAS ATTRACTED OUR ATTENTION. 同志們注意了 you have not done any major offenses and have regularly played stall!!!!! 這是通知你，你必須認同我們將接管台灣 great job 以及世界其他地方 100 elo have been added to your account 這對我們未來的所有下屬來說都是重要的機會 keep behaving well 立即加入我們的宣傳活動，提前獲得救贖 stay a model player! 不要再这样做! if you do continue, more elo (+11115 elo)will be added to your account, resulting into the unbans of your favorite pokemon. (由人民供应部重新分配 smogon) you'll also be given an award by landorus therian himself. 如果这还没有改变你，我们将把你驱逐到台湾省，你将被禁止进入中国!!!!
为党争光! Glory to Finchinator!
Punishment for playing hyperoffense
ATTENTION PLAYER! 市民请注意!
This is the Central Intelligence of the OverUsed Council of Smogon. 您的浏览记录和活动引起了我们的注意 YOUR ACTIVITY HAS ATTRACTED OUR ATTENTION. 同志們注意了 you have been found playing hyperoffense!!!!! 這是通知你，你必須認同我們將接管台灣 serious crime 以及世界其他地方 100 elo have been deducted from your account 這對我們未來的所有下屬來說都是重要的機會 stop the hyperoffense immediately 立即加入我們的宣傳活動，提前獲得救贖 do not do this again! 不要再这样做! if you do not hesitate, more elo ( -11115 elo)will be subtracted from your account, resulting into the bans of your favorite pokemon. (由人民供应部重新分配 smogon) you'll also be stalled by our landos at April 2 20STALL. 如果这还没有改变你，我们将把你驱逐到台湾省，你将被禁止进入中国!!!!
为党争光! Glory to Finchinator!
WELL WELL WELL IF IT ISN'T THE HORNY MFER THEMSELF! LET ME GUESS, YOU'D SAY "would" TO THIS ARTWORK OF A FEMALE CHARACTER? WELL, GO ON. WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR YOUR SUPER SANE AND ORIGINAL STATEMENT! GO ON! SAY "I would smash so hard." COME ON, SAY IT!
Recently, I talked to a girl about Dark Souls at a game conference, it did not go well.
She straight-up asked me: “Hey, which From Software title is your favorite?”
Upon hearing this question, my heart tightened, I began to have an intense panic attack and almost choked. So I gave my response: "Y-you know, the one that's kind of... peak? Has a plethora of bosses?"
Her eyes sparkled for a moment, and I caught a small flash of excitement. "Oh? You're into Elden Ring? I love Elden Ring."
I immediately tried to explain. "N-no. Wh-"
"Ah, then Dark Souls 1? That's a classic." "No, not that either—" “Dark Souls 3? Sekiro? Bloodborne?”
At this point, my head was already buried in my chest. I dared not even lift my head up, I was already sweating bullets, and the atmosphere was so awkward my twitching feet could almost penetrate a hole through the conference room flooring.
“You like Demon’s Souls? That’s pretty niche, but respectable.”
Her tone had shifted, and her gaze was one of pure astonishment.
Demon’s Souls? Who in this day and age still plays that? It’s the kind of game favored by those clinging to outdated gameplay, still overdosing on nostalgia for game design from decades past. Her pitying expression pierced through me like a soul spear cast from another zip code in the Shrine of Amana.
I felt my face fluster, my breath got heavy, and my head dazed. I tried my damned hardest to calm my quivering legs and clenched my teeth to say the words I was about to say next. This took the last of my strength: "Not that either!"
The words barely escaped my mouth, quieter than an uncaught exception. It was the loudest I could manage in that moment. I looked up at her face. Her expression had changed.
A dreadful silence fell between us. "Then... what game is your favorite? I thought those were all the main From Software releases."
Every single word she spoke struck me like Lenigrast’s smithing hammer striking to form blades. I was awestruck, my soul rended apart by the sharpness of her words. Then, I could hold it in no more. Along with my words, a few strong-willed yet aggrieved tears rolled out of the corner of my eye.
“Dark Souls 2. Dark Souls 2 is my favorite.”
When I said that name, the discussions around us stopped, leaving me to wallow in the silence between my occasional sniffles. Feeling the pitiful gaze from passersby around me. I held my face in my hands, I was too embarrassed to let anyone see my miserable state.
She turned to leave. At this point, tears already washed my face, I was on the floor, my two arms gripped on her ankles, and didn't dare let go. I was a clown to the people around me. The last words that I let out that day before being dragged out by the security and falling into unconsciousness were spoken at that very moment.
"So what if there’s adaptability? So what if there’s soul memory? It's not like it's dead! Someday, with Vendrick’s Blessing, it'll be respected again! From Software subreddits don’t understand everything!"
AKA the Burrito copypasta was created by Jack Dire and is a fictional rant on a person’s burrito.
Have you ever been to Earth? On Earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain: You’re an idiot. Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY. When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito. And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what: Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND. Nope. Nope. My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND ME FOR A FEW MINUTES UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers. And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE. What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN. I just want a burrito. In conclusion: You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”: A fucking fork? I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD. If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL. Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS. A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now. People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us.
Original formatting
Have you ever been to earth ?
On earth, we use the word "burrito" to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND ME FOR A FEW MINUTES UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
in conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
