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Toyota Corolla

    Originated from a Craiglist ad for a 1999 Toyota Corolla back in 2018. People shared how funny it was and it became known as the Toyota Corolla copypasta. The original listing is gone but an archived version can still be found through Internet Archive.

    You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.

The 1999 Toyota Corolla.

Let’s talk about features.
Bluetooth: nope
Sunroof: nope
Fancy wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope . . . but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a -blam!-ing neck that can turn.

Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a shit and ignored it. It went away. The End.

You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would -blam!-ing start right up.

This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.
Things this car is old enough to do:
Vote: yes
Consent to sex: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car

This car’s got history. It’s seen some shit. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a -blam!-ing Volkswagen would.

Interesting facts:

This car’s exterior color is gray, but its interior color is grey.

In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.”

When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary, “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”

You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite TV show: Alf
Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms

This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.

When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”

Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The -blam!-ing 1999 Toyota Corolla.

    Sorry I have bad English

      Apology for bad english
      Another version

      AKA the ‘Apology for bad english’ is a troll text of a person apologizing for their bad english but written in the most verbose and pretentious manner. There are multiple variations of said copypasta.

      Before I begin my actual comment, I would like to apologize in advance for my inadequate level of English proficiency. I am not a native speaker of the world's current lingua franca which unfortunately leads to me making numerous embarrassing mistakes being made whenever I attempt to communicate using this language. Whenever I am reminded of how I lack the ability to convey my thoughts in an eloquent manner I feel as though I have committed a cardinal sin, as though every English teacher in the world are simultaneously shaking their heads and sighing due to how utterly disappointed they are at me.

Although I know that saying sorry to those of you who are reading my comment will not change the fact that I fail miserably to write and speak perfect English, I am writing this as a way to deter a certain type of people who cannot stand poor English (Also known informally as "Grammar Nazis") from mocking me by posting unwanted and unnecessary comments detailing my every blunder. In my humble opinion, making grammatical errors should be perfectly acceptable as native speakers should not expect non-native speakers to be able to communicate in their second or third languages eloquently. If you are able to completely understand what the other person wrote, is there really a problem with what they've written? No, because the entire concept of communication is the exchange of information between other intelligent beings, which means that no matter how the exchange of information is made, as long as the information is accurately shared there is not a fundamental issue with their ability to communicate. To see it in another way, remember that someone who isn't fluent in English is fluent in another language. When you think about it this way, isn't it impressive for someone to speak a second language in any capacity? Having empathy and respect are qualities that are sorely missing for far too many people these days, especially on the internet.

That being said, I am aware that not all netizens who correct others are doing it to ridicule and shame. There are some who do so with the intent to help others improve and grow. However, displaying the failures of other people publicly will cause the person who is criticized to feel negative emotions such as shame and sadness due to the fact that their mistake has been made obvious which severely undermines the point they were trying to make in spite of their unfamiliarity with the English language. In most circumstances people are not looking for language help when they post anything online. Most people just want to enjoy themselves and have a good time on the internet which is why I would not encourage correcting other people regardless of your intentions. If you really do want to help others with their spelling or grammar, I would highly recommend you to help via messaging privately because not only will you not embarrass anyone, you can also go more in-depth with your explanation which I'm sure the other person will greatly appreciate if they want help, but I digress. I know that I've written a bit of an essay, but I hope I've made my points clear. Anyways, here is the comment I wanted to make:

Lol

      Hi. (I apologize for my bad English)

      Hi. (I apologize for my bad English. I'm still learning and trying to improve my language skills. Sometimes, I might make mistakes or choose the wrong words, but I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. Your understanding and patience mean a lot to me as I navigate through this learning process. Learning a new language can be quite challenging, and English, with its many rules and exceptions, is no different. I often find myself struggling with grammar and vocabulary, which can lead to confusion or miscommunication. Despite these challenges, I'm committed to improving and becoming more fluent. Every conversation I have is an opportunity to learn and grow. I appreciate your willingness to engage with me and correct my mistakes when necessary. Your feedback helps me identify areas where I need to focus more and provides me with the motivation to keep going. Sometimes, I feel a bit embarrassed when I make errors, but I remind myself that making mistakes is a natural part of the learning process. Each error is a stepping stone toward better understanding and proficiency. I hope you can see my efforts and the progress I'm making, even if it's gradual. Your support means a lot to me. It makes a big difference when someone is patient and understanding rather than critical. It encourages me to keep practicing and not give up, even when it feels difficult. Knowing that you are willing to help makes this journey a lot easier. Thank you for your patience and support. I hope that as I continue to practice, my English will improve, and our conversations will become smoother. Until then, I ask for your understanding and kindness as I work towards mastering this language.)

      Down Syndrome Day

        My syndrome 🤢🌡 may be down ⬇️👎🏽😩😩 but my hopes 🤤💭🙌🏾 are 🆙 ⬆️👍🏼😍👏🏼👏🏼💯💦. Today is the 🍆BIG🍆 day for the 👌🏻little👌🏻👌🏻 people with the BIG😛 personalities🤭🌝🗿. It’s National Downie ⬇️ Day, so be sure to leave out some hot dogs 😩🤌🏻🌭and 🍗chicken 🐓🍗nuggies out for your local 🧬 CHROMIE-HOMIE 🧬🗿🍑. Celebrating this day all because their 😋🤰cougar mommy’s 👅👯‍♀️couldn’t stay way from that diccc🍆🍆💦💦. May your face be as flat 🌝 as a 🌝 downies 🌝 from a a thicc 🌈mosaic 🖍️bitch sitting on it ⬇️⬇️🥵🥵🫦. Be sure to share this with 2️⃣1️⃣ of your chromies 🧬and you’ll have to 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨🪢TRI-some 👨🏿‍🦽retarded👩🏼‍🦼-good 🍆dick🍆 tonight 🦧🍆💦💦💦

        The poop knife story

          Its an infamous story on Reddit by u/LearnedButt, about a guy realizing that only his family had a specific knife dedicated to cutting poop when they are too big to flush. The original story had been deleted but an archived version can be found.

          My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
          source
          My friends sister laid a huge turd in the toilet. She couldn’t get it to flush. So she just casually strolls into kitchen while me and my buddy are watching Friday night videos, and grabs a pocket knife from the junk drawer. Goes back towards the bathroom, my buddy is hey what the eff you need a knife for? So she says the toilet won’t flush. Their dad hears this jumps up and runs down to bathroom and screams who the shit this turd. Which brings mom into the bathroom she freaks out. No all 5 of us are in the throne room in admiration of her magnificent turd. The dad asks what is the knife for and his sister goes it’s what I use to cut them. Yeah that’s what she said. It was silent until her mom asked how long have you been cutting turds with that knife, I am dying my friend is in tears, well since we are all here I guess the secret is out so I get massive turds on my period mom. So for about six years mom. She goes to leave and her dad grabs her and says cut the cheese sweet pea and that’s your knife now. That’s it I can’t breathe I am laughing so hard. She is in tears her mom is mortified and her dad was trying to be supportive, my buddy and I are being total jackasses.

Her dad pulls us aside and threatened to kick the shit out us if a word of sir turdly of bummertown gets out of the house. We never said a word about it outside of their house but we were brutal to here at home.

          I own a WSTR Combat Shotgun for home defense, since that’s what the colonists intended.

            By u/No_Capital1979, its the ‘Own a musket for home defense’ copypasta but changed to WSTR Shotgun from Marathon.

            I own a WSTR Combat Shotgun for home defense, since that's what the colonists intended. Three runners break into my house. "What the phor?" As I grab my Arachne contract and WSTR. Blow a Trax-Seed sized hole through the triage, he's dead on the spot. Draw my Magnum on the second man, miss him entirely because it's iron sights and nails the Rook two rooms over. I have to resort to the Demolition HMG mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with prestige mods, "In Death We’ve Just Begun." the heavy rounds shred the Destroyer in the blast, the sound and extra rounds set off lockbox alarms. Ready my knife and charge the last terrified Vandal. She Bleeds out waiting on the UESC to arrive since melee attacks shred your health and shields. Just as the colonists intended.

            STOP POSTING ABOUT DELTARUNE! I’M TIRED OF SEEING IT!

              Its the ‘STOP POSTING ABOUT AMONG US‘ meme but in changed to Deltarune.

              STOP POSTING ABOUT DELTARUNE! I'M TIRED OF SEEING IT! MY FRIENDS ON TIKTOK SEND ME "Driving in my car, right after a beer", ON DISCORD IT'S FUCKING "I'M OLD!!"! I was in a server, right? and ALL OF THE CHANNELS were just DELTARUNE TOMORROW. I-I showed my champion underwear to my girlfriend and t-the logo I flipped it and I said "hey babe, when the light is running low HAHA" I fucking looked at a CRT and said "Mr. Ant Tenna's TV Time!!!" I looked at my penis I think of Rouxls and I go "PENIS? MORE LIKE LASERE POINTERE" 
               The other day someone used the word "reunite" and I went "heh heh, ryu knight" 
              Everything is a Deltarune reference. I see a CRT TV, I think “Haha, is that Tenna?” I see an old man, I think “I’m old! Gyah ha ha!” Whenever somebody claims they’re going insane or speaks of freedom the freedom motif bass boosted plays inside my head on max volume. I hear someone say they’re determined. I hear someone say to have some SOUL. I see snow falling. Is it some kind of snowgrave? People claim that I’m “unfunny” or that “deltarune fans are the most annoying people you’ve ever met” but I genuinely cannot stop making Deltarune references. The spam email is a Spamton reference. The gore of the dead animal is Togore. Anything green is Green Gaster. The pomeranian is Toby Fox. When applying to college I think “haha, I’m just like asriel dreemurr”. It’s always accompanied by some kind of stupid bass boosted sound effect (like Gaster’s theme) and an imaginary red circle with an imaginary red arrow pointing to the thing in question.

Last month I was out for a walk, right? And while in the dark crossing a crossroads, I saw lights approaching from behind me. Instinctively, I ran to the sidewalk, narrowly avoiding being hit by the speeding vehicle. Instead of going “Oh my god I just had a near-death experience” I went “Don’t forget… I got hit by a truck.” and the gif of asgore running over dess appeared inside my brain.

This is just a normal AuDHD experience. I can confirm that we all see the world like this.