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I think I’m the greatest under 300 elo player of all time

    I think I’m the greatest chess player under 300 Elo. Chess is just way too easy at 240 elo. I feel like prime Hikaru playing against special ed toddlers. Where’s the competition. I only play rapid and still average about 2 brilliant moves a game. Do you understand how difficult that is?? when most games at this level someone hangs their queen in 5 moves 
    
    I’m 240 elo right now. I blunder pieces constantly but still win games. Imagine what happens when I start concentrating. I don’t even plan openening or anything I just play off the dome and use actual skill.
    
    Sometimes I’ll rank up to 2000 elo just to see what the common folk are like, but makes me upset that these guys are higher ranked than me but are not better than me. Too many people memorising opening, at 240, you actually see pure chess. 
    
    I’ve played 600 games and scored 487 wins. 240 elo. Greatest under-300 elo player of all time. if anyone wants to play me drop your username if you’re above 300 you will be ignored. I don’t make blunders. I blunder to sacrifice everything is planned 8 steps ahead. 

    Why does nobody like Sherlock? Because it has smart characters written stupidly.

      AKA the Sherlock copypasta is a rant from 4chan back in 2014 where the person says that Sherlock is a bad show because his character is a smart person written by stupid people that’s why his deduction are illogical (because it is).

      Why does nobody like Sherlock? Because it has smart characters written stupidly.
      
      Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men is a smartly written smart character. When Chigurh kills a hotel room full of three people he books to room next door so he can examine it, finding which walls he can shoot through, where the light switch is, what sort of cover is there etc. This is a smart thing to do because Chigurh is a smart person who is written by another smart person who understands how smart people think.
      
      Were Sherlock Holmes to kill a hotel room full of three people. He'd enter using a secret door in the hotel that he read about in a book ten years ago. He'd throw peanuts at one guy causing him to go into anaphylactic shock, as he had deduced from a dartboard with a picture of George Washington carver on it pinned to the wall that the man had a severe peanut allergy. The second man would then kill himself just according to plan as Sherlock had earlier deduced that him and the first man were homosexual lovers who couldn't live without eachother due to a faint scent of penis on each man's breath and a slight dilation of their pupils whenever they looked at each other. As for the third man, why Sherlock doesn't kill him at all. The third man removes his sunglasses and wig to reveal he actually WAS Sherlock the entire time. But Sherlock just entered through the Secret door and killed two people, how can there be two of him? The first Sherlock removes his mask to reveal he's actually Moriarty attempting to frame Sherlock for two murders. Sherlock however anticipated this, the two dead men stand up, they're undercover police officers, it was all a ruse. "But Sherlock!" Moriarty cries "That police officer blew his own head off, look at it, there's skull fragments on the wall, how is he fine now? How did you fake that?". Sherlock just winks at the screen, the end.
      
      This is retarded because Sherlock is a smart person written by a stupid person to whom smart people are indistinguishable from wizards. 

      King Tut

        King Tut? Wow!👑 Are you an ancestor of King Tut? That's amazing? Oh my! Magnificent! Amazing! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Are you an ancestor of him? Wow! Wow! 🤩 Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! 🤔 Wow! Wow! 🤔 Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! 😮 Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! 

        Stop posting. You aren’t “insane,” you’re just cringe, grow up

          Stop posting. You aren't "insane," you're just cringe, grow up
          
          Am I the only one who realizes this place isn't "dank"? You guys are literal cornballs. It’s the same three jokes on loop, it wasn't funny the first time and it’s definitely not funny the 200th time. ​You all act like that "little bit of goop" guy or those pretentious losers who think they have a high IQ because they watch Rick and Morty. It’s not "surreal humor," it’s just pure TikTok-tier brainrot. Honestly, did your wife’s boyfriend give you permission to post this cringe today? ​Go outside. The "Man" meme died years ago. You guys are just "Is he stupid?" personified at this point. This sub is basically just CoComelon for people who think they’re edgy. It’s the same three jokes on a loop. You guys aren't 'insane,' you’re just TikTok kids or wanna be dank who found a Batman filter. It’s actually embarrassing, i get second hand embarrasement, and honestly if you are 18+ posting this type of atuff just get a job bro. ​Literal cornball behavior. This isn't "dank," it’s just sad. 

          HAPPY KIRKIVERSERY

            HAPPY 😀 KIRKIVERSERY 👦💥 YOU SEXY🤤😛 SLUTS 💦🍒 TODAY 9️⃣/🔟 WE REMEMBER 🤔😔 A REAL 💯 AMERICAN 🇺🇲🦅 PATRIOT 🫡 CHARLIE JAMES KIRK 😢 WHEN HE WAS 🔫💢💢 IN THE NECK 😒 JUST 1️⃣ YEAR AGO 🤨 AT A COLLEGE 👨‍🎓 CAMPUS ⛺️ BY SOME LOONEY🤪 🤬 LIBERAL 🏳️‍🌈 TAKEN 🤫 FROM THIS WORLD 🌎✌️ EARLY 📉😭📉 I HOPE 🙏🙏 ALL 🫶 YOU GLIZZY 🌭 GOBBLING 🦃 TRUE 💯💯💯 AMERICAN 🦅 PATRIOTS 🇺🇲🇺🇲 CELEBRATE 🥳 WITH A GOOD👌 OLD 👴 FASHIONED 🥃 AMERICAN 🇺🇲 BBQ 🍖🍖 WITH TONS 🏋‍♂️ OF THICK 😏🤤 MEATY 🥩 CUTS 🔪 🅰️ND PLENTY 😏 OF BOOZE 🍺🍺 AS WE 👫 POP 🍾 OUR PUSSIES 😼 AND COCKS 🐓 🍆 OUT TO SOLIDIFY 🗽 CHARLIES MEMORY💭 FOR AGES 👴🧓👵 TO CUM 💦💦😛 
            Hey there you patriotic POUNDERS 🇺🇸🍆💦 Today marks the 1st ANNUAL KIRKIVERSARY 🪦🎉 of when podcaster Charlie Kirk 🐘🇮🇱 reached LEGENDARY THROAT GOAT 🐐😇👼 status by DEEPTHROATING a bullet 😲 The lil TWINK got a HARD lesson 😏📖 when the Utah Valley Grim Reaper 💀 SHOT 🔫 his LOAD 💦💦 right into Charlie’s NECK 😱 He took some deep PENETRATION 😮‍💨🍆 and got hit with the 💸MONEY SHOT💦 and ETSY WITCHES 🧙‍♀️ But guess what LIBERALS? 🧑🏳️‍⚧️ He isn’t gone yet… 🗣️💥 There are now ONE MILLION CHARLIE KIRKS 🤯🧬 We are ALL CHARLIE KIRK now, carrying the flame ❤️‍🔥🔥 for eternity ♾️
            Send this to 10 of your 😜💅 SLUTTIEST 👅 sharpshooters 🤪 and if you get 0️⃣ back 😮 you DIED JUST LIKE CHARLIE 💀, get ready 😐 to arrange your funeral 🪦👇 If you get 5️⃣ back, you might get 🚑 lifeflighted right out 🤨 of this 🩸 BLOODY situation 👻🤔 If you get 1️⃣0️⃣➕ back then 🦅 Daddy Trump 😘🫡 will meet you at the HOSPITAL 🏥 to play doctor 🧑‍⚕️👄🍆 
            it’s about to get WET💦💦 and WILD😜😜at this debate🗣️🫯! a horny😈😈 ALPHA 🅰️🐺🐺🥶 cumservative😩👮‍♂️ fantasizes🤔💭 about penetrating 🍆💦🔝CHARLIE KINK🤞til he GUSHES💦💦🩸🩸 charlie kinky🤓 was SQUIRTING😩🍆💦 lies🤬🤥 until his last breath😗💨
            counting🔢💁‍♂️✅ or not 🔢❌🙅‍♂️counting🤔🧐GANG BANG🎦🤳⚧️🧑‍🧑‍🧒‍🧒💦 violence🔫🔪💣⁉️ that's what charlie kirky☝️🤓 asked🤔 before he took that😩😩 veiny🫛💯, girthy🍆😩, THROBBING💢⭕️💢⭕️ BULLET VIBRATOR 🫨🫨‼️ into his TIGHT😵‍💫😵‍💫 little😫😵 virgin🥴🥴 neck hole🤭🤭
            charlie quirky☝️🤓 had WHOREable 🥵🥵takes and‼️ a CREEPY👀👹 smile👄, but now☝️💀he’s CREAMATED 🔥🥴🪦and RIGHT 😵👉🐘🛑 where he belongs: face down 🥴⬇️ HOLE UP ⭕️🆙⬆️ in hell 🔥👺🤓🔥 hopefully SATAN👺🔥is POUNDING🍆💦💢 some sense🗯️🤔 into him🥴🥴
            celebrate🥳🎉 one 1️⃣🥇year 🗓️ AK🔫 (after kirk) by sending 📩📲 this👇 to 10 (TEN) 🔟 closeted 🚪🏳️‍🌈 republicans🐘🕺. get 0 back ⁉️⁉️and a republican woman👩‍🦳🤬 will call☎️🤙💥 you🫵🫵🫪 a LIBERAL🧢📘🗽 FUCKING🥵‼️ ANIMAL👺🫣👹 get 5 back ⁉️⁉️ eriCUNT 👩‍🦳👩‍🦳 will widen💢⭕️ her demon👹👹 eyes 🔵👄🔵 at you🫵😳😰 get all 10 back⁉️⁉️ and you’ll have 🫵😫 a SWEET😛😛 treat 🎂🍰🍭🧁😋 so ORGASMIC🥴🥴😫💦 your eyes👁️👁️ will roll🔄🔄 back🙄🙄😫 in your head🫪🫪 just like charlie kirky’s🫵🤓 
            😴💭🌜Twas the night🌌 before Kirkmas👁👄👁, when all through the house🏠 Not🙅‍♀️ a creature was Kirking💃, not even a mouse🐁🐁🐁 The little bullets🔫 were hung😏 by the necks🤣🤣 with care🔨🤏 In hopes🤩 that St. Kirky💀 soon🔜 would 🅱️e there 
            CELEBRATE🥳🎉 one 1️⃣🥇year 🗓️ <AK>🔫 (after kirk) by COUNTING🔢💁‍♂️✅ or not 🔢❌🙅‍♂️COUNTING🤔🧐GANG BANG🎦🤳⚧️🧑‍🧑‍🧒‍🧒💦 violence🔫🔪💣⁉️ JUST LIKE what charlie QWERTY☝️🤓 asked🤔 before he took that😩😩 veiny🫛💯, girthy🍆😩, THROBBING💢⭕️💢⭕️ BULLET VIBRATOR 🫨🫨‼️ into his TIGHT😵‍💫😵‍💫 little😫😵 virgin🥴🥴 NECK HOLE🤭🤭 THATS RIGHT FOLKS!! LITTOL charlie QUIRKY☝️🤓 had WHOREable 🥵🥵takes and, but now☝️💀he’s CREAMATED 🔥🥴🪦and RIGHT 😵👉🐘🛑 where he belongs: ‼️ CREEPY ASS 👀👹 smile👄🥴DOWN ⬇️ HOLE UP ⭕️🆙⬆️ in hell 🔥👺🤓🔥 hopefully SATAN👺🔥is POUNDING🍆💦💢 some sense🗯️🤔 into him🥴🥴
            SEND 📩📲 this👇 to 10 (TEN) 🔟 CLOSETED 🚪🏳️‍🌈 reKIRKlicans🐘 NOW
            🫣👹 get 5 back ⁉️AND⁉️ eriCUNT 👩‍🦳👩‍🦳 will widen💢⭕️ her demon👹👹 eyes 🔵👄🔵 at you🫵😳 🕺get 10 back ⁉️⁉️ 🎂🍰NOT 1 but 2 of 🍭🧁😋 🥴🥴😫💦 your eyes👁️👁️ will roll🔄🔄 back🙄🙄😫 in your head🫪BOGO!🫪 just like charlie KINKY’S🫵🤓💥💥 GET 50 back 💥💥💥AND🫵🫵🫪 a LIBERAL WOMAN🧢📘🗽 WILL RESCUE A FUCKING🥵‼️ ANIMAL👺🫣OFF THE 👩‍🦳🤬 SIDE ☎️🤙 of the road👹 for you to FOSTER 🕰️🕰️🕰️⁉️⁉️INDEFINITELY ⁉️⁉️🕰️🕰️🕰️ 
            Attention all patriots🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸, incels 🤓🤓and groipers🤠🤠! This is your⚠️⚠️ emerkirkcy ALERT⚠️⚠️. Today marks the 1 year kirkiversary since the ☠️☠️death🫄☠️☠️of a leader and the 🫄🏻🫄🏻birth 🫄🏻🫄🏻of a 🏞️nation. Today is a TURNING POINT for U sa 👩🏽‍🌾. Pop your perkys 💊💊and your Pussies 🐱🐱🐱 for the throat🐐 goat 🐐 as good ✝️✝️✝️Christians do. Find your court yard and debate from your ❤️heart of hearts 💞. Speak from the 🫦🫦gums a truth only true to you. 🔫Shoot your shot 🔫 like it’s your last dying breath 😮‍💨. Mog 🫪the haters and own the libtards this kirkiversary. Get your bag 💼 💸💸💸💸💸💸💸💸💸💸💸💸💸💸💸 and wish your black pilots good luck as they fly into the night before 9/11.
            
            Send this to 9 real Americans 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 or 11 AI agents 🤖🦾🦿 (whether or not we are counting gang 🤺🤺🤺🫯🫯🥷violence) to start 1 A.K off ALT-Right or else Drewika Kirk will glare into your socialist soul till fireworks 🎇 come out of your leftist ass. Because WE are Charlie Kirk. And WE WILL CARRY THE FLAME 🔥 🔥🔥 
            COUNTING 👌☝️👉OR NOT COUNTING 👎🚫♋️💦GANGBANG ♋️🤤VIOLENCE? 😡GREAT! 👍😊….. 🥺….😱…..AN ECHO 🗣️🔊OF A SHOT 💉🔫RINGS OUT 🔔ACROSS THE CAMPUS 📚🎓AS CHARLIE 🍆KOCK🍆 🪄REVEALS 🪄THE 💦JUICIEST 😩🍇🧃🥺GUSHIEST🤤😋 🕳️HOLE 🕳️WE HAVE EVER SEEN 👀👁️👁️👀
            
            🦅‼️ #KRUSTFORKIRK HAS BEEN 🤰BORN🤰‼️🦅
            
            TO 😔INCEL-EBRATE🥺THE ONE YEAR 📆🗓️👦🏻 KIRKAVERSARY 👦🏻‼️🥺WE ARE LETTING IT 👁️ ………… 😋🧴🍞💦KRUST FOR KIRK 💦🤤🧻🥖
            
            🙅‍♀️🚫NO🚫🙅‍♀️WIPING🧻🍑🍆ANY HOLES 🕳️ 🍆🍑TODAY 📆🗓️SINCE 💦🫃🏻DADDY KIRKY🫃🏻💦🚫COULDNT WIPE 🧻THE 🍑🤤🧃💦JUICIEST🧃🍑💦 🕳️⭕️HOLE⭕️🕳️ ONE YEAR AGO📆🗓️ 👇TODAY 👇 AT ⏳⏰11:59⏰⏳🌙TONIGHT🌚🌝 📬SEND 📩 5️⃣🖐️OF YOUR ⭕️👯‍♂️HOLE-MIES⭕️👯‍♂️PICTURES 🤳📸OF YOUR 🦀🦐KRUSTED HOLES 💦🕳️ OR 🧿👩🏼MOMMY ERIKA👩🏼🧿 WILL 💨BLOW💨 A 🧨🎆FIREWORK 🧨🎆UP YOUR ASS😨😱😳😨😨😱😱😱😱😱 
            🚨☠️💋⚠️ OFFICIAL KIRKOVERSARY DEATH NOTICE ⚠️💋☠️🚨
            
            TODAY WE MOURN THE TRAGIC “DEATH” OF CHARLIE KIRK, WHO HAS ONCE AGAIN SURVIVED ANOTHER YEAR OF BEING AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING MENACE. 🕯️🎂💀
            
            The autopsy revealed NO BRAIN ACTIVITY, SEVERE BIRTHDAY DAMAGE, and a CRITICAL SHORTAGE OF BITCHES. Doctors attempted CPR but Charlie kept making things weird. 😩🚑
            
            Witnesses report that the deceased was last seen wandering around with a raspberry-filled doughnut 🍩🍓 and, AS USUAL, an UNEXPLAINABLE AMOUNT OF RED JELLY SMEARED ACROSS HIS NECK. Charlie, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THESE DONUTS⁉️ Nobody wants answers anymore. The FBI has classified the jelly as a BIOLOGICAL WEAPON. 🧪🚨
            
            Tonight we celebrate his final moments before another year of HORNY DEGENERACY, BAD GTA DECISIONS, and questionable late-night activities. 🍻😈
            
            PLEASE COME DRESSED IN BLACK 🖤 because this is a FUNERAL.
            
            A FUNERAL FOR CHARLIE’S YOUTH. 💀
            
            A FUNERAL FOR HIS DIGNITY. 💀
            
            A FUNERAL FOR EVERY POOR SOUL WHO HAS EVER HAD TO WITNESS THAT FUCKING JELLY NECK. 🍓💀
            
            And let us never forget his greatest contribution to civilization:
            
            🎮 GTA
            🔫 GANGS
            🚗 ABSOLUTE MAYHEM
            💃 QUESTIONABLE WOMEN
            📊 COUNTING OR NOT COUNTING GANG VIOLENCE
            
            Nobody knows what the final tally is. Nobody wants to know.
            
            So tonight, LIGHT THE CANDLES 🕯️, POUR THE DRINKS 🍺, UNBUTTON THE SHIRT 😏, and prepare to mourn this SEXUALLY CHARGED CORPSE OF A MAN like the depraved little freak he was always destined to become.
            
            HAPPY FUCKING KIRKOVERSARY, CHARLIE. 🎂💀🍆
            
            May your birthday be filthy, your doughnuts be filled, your neck be jelly-free for AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES, and your night be sufficiently inappropriate that nobody can legally put it in the obituary.
            
            ☠️🕯️ REST IN PEACE, YOU HORNY FUCKING DISASTER 🕯️☠️
            
            (HE IS STILL ALIVE. UNFORTUNATELY.) 
            🎄 ’Twas the Night Before Kirkmas 💫
            
            ’Twas the night before Kirkmas, when all through the quad,
            
            Not a student was stirring, not even a mod;
            
            The microphones waited, the cameras stood square,
            
            In hopes that young Charlie soon would be there.
            
            By a Turning Point banner beneath campus lights,
            
            He arrived to debate other people’s rights. 📹
            
            His talking points flew:
            
            “The Democrats did it! The colleges too!
            
            The radical woke left! The border! The crime!”
            
            Then bathrooms again for a very long time. 🚻
            
            A student asked about housing.
            
            “DEMOCRATS,” Charlie replied. 🏠
            
            “Small government!” echoed the room,
            
            “With exceptions for bathrooms, your bedroom, your womb.”
            
            “The colleges brainwash!” he told the front row. 👕
            
            He spoke of trans people, then border patrol;
            
            One pronoun debate consumed the next scroll.
            
            Though few lived in the population,
            
            They received half the presentation. ⏱️
            
            Students asked questions on wages and debt;
            
            He hadn’t finished with bathrooms yet.
            
            A sophomore challenged a statistic he’d said;
            
            The cameras zoomed as Charlie leaned ahead.
            
            The clip title appeared:
            
            CHARLIE KIRK DESTROYS WOKE STUDENT #42. 📱
            
            “Sir, I’m twenty,” the student replied.
            
            The thumbnail survived.
            
            Then one student asked:
            
            “Counting or not counting gang violence?”
            
            …
            
            Nobody spoke.
            
            Charlie shifted. “My neck hurts.”
            
            He waved to the crowd: “We’re wrapping it up.”
            
            The microphones lowered. The livestream went black.
            
            The banner was rolled up and carried back. 🎬
            
            And as everyone scattered beneath the moonlight:
            
            “Happy Kirkmas to all—and to Charlie, good night.” 🌙 

            MAGA Paradise

              By u/abefrost, its a parody of the Libertarian Paradise copypasta but changed to MAGA.

              I was drinking a "Bud Light but I Swear We're Not Trans Now" and watching “The Art of the Deal in 30 Seconds” in the front seat of my unmarked SUV when a call came in. It was ICE Chief Smith.
              
              “Bad news, officer. We got a situation.”
              
              “What? Is the mayor trying to put a pride flag on the courthouse again?”
              
              “Worse. Somebody just employed a Mexican.”
              
              The can almost fell out of my hands. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Giving away an American's job to someone who will lower wages, deal drugs, and stuff the state's voting box with Democrat votes? Don't they know that every Mexican here destroys our American traditions and contributes to the Great Replacement? Do we have any leads?”
              
              “Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to find out who did this and we’re going to take them down. Provided the Mexican is here illegally.”
              
              “Easy, chief,” I said. “If they’re here, we already know they're illegal."
              
              “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski," then under his breath "...even if you are a polack. Just make sure you get them."
              
              “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
              
              Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by pedestrians. I drove over them and went inside.
              
              “Flock™ Presents ICE!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Steven Miller “Nobody move towards me or I will take it as a threat!” They didn’t, but I shot an old woman that blinked anyway. Her eyelid could have been armed.
              
              “Now, which one of you punks is going to tell me who hired the Mexican?” No one spoke up.
              
              “Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of our borders is the foundation of all American freedom?”
              
              It didn’t seem like they did.
              
              “Seriously, guys. If you don't cooperate with law enforcement, how can you feel safe? What if your dog is the next one to get eaten?" I shot a service dog to reinforce the point. "See, now imagine that's your dog."
              
              These people were stonewalling me. I should have known better than to try and get them to empathize, it's a sin for a reason. But it almost seemed like they didn’t care that an American job was stolen.
              
              I figured I could wait them out. I started talking about the wall. A pregnant lady coughed, and I shot since the lack of cooperation probably meant it was an anchor baby. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
              
              “AMERICA FIRST, SCUMBAG!” I yelled.
              
              Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
              
              “Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. Ugh. Iran.
              
              He was faster than me because he jumped on a communist-looking bike (is there any other kind) and I only buy American-made shoes. Our country needs higher tariffs because even at 100%, criminals buy low-quality Chinese crap.
              
              I was losing him. “Listen, maybe you can buy a pardon!” I yelled. “A real one! From the President! As you know, it's only corrupt if he doesn't pardon himself for selling them!”
              
              He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the constitution in my Trump Bible said he had every right to own (provided he wasn't trans). He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun and fired back. The bullet lodged in a taco truck less than a foot from his head. I shot the truck again, on purpose.
              
              “All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, ICE! I confess: I employed the Mexican.”
              
              “Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Mexico Paid for These™ Handcuffs® on the guy.
              
              "He was a white guy named Gary, but he had the guts to wear a sombrero on Cinco de Mayo."
              
              We both knew that counted. I nodded grimly, encouraging him to continue.
              
              "And I was afraid."
              
              “Afraid?”
              
              “Afraid America would become economically self-sufficient for all heritage Americans,” he said. “I’m a DEI antifa globalist.”
              
              I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a DEI antifa globalist killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
              
              “Let this be a message to all your socialist friends out on the street,” I said. ““No matter how many elections you steal, no matter how many jobs you give to foreigners, and no matter how many pronouns you invent, you’ll never take away the dream of a great American nation.”
              
              He nodded, because he knew I was right.
              
              Then I shot him.