Skip to content

Once asked my parents to celebrate my first ejaculation (nsfw)

    It was originally posted on the confession subreddit before getting removed. 

    Once asked my parents to celebrate my first ejaculation (nsfw) 

So a little context about this. I am a second child. I have an older sister (older by only 1 year). Growing up, I used to get jealous of my older sister. Well it just so happened, I overheard one day when I was a kid, that my sister got her first period and my mom congratulated her and comforted her because she was crying and didn't know what was going on. My mom told her she was becoming a woman and my parents took us all out to dinner to celebrate my sister growing up. To help her feel better too.

So I ended up getting very jealous. Part of it was the attention they had given my sister and the other part was about her becoming a grown up. I had no idea that only women have periods. Well several weeks later, I ended up going to my mom and dad and lying by saying I found sticky stuff in my underwear and pretended I was scared. I didn't know at the time that boys don't get periods. Well what ended up happening is my dad awkwardly said "congratulations, you had your first ejaculation, you're becoming a man!" I got so excited and asked my parents if they could take us all to dinner to celebrate my first ejaculation lol. They both looked at each other like they were weirded out and still said "sure....yeah...lets do that..."

Well we went to outback steakhouse and I was still desperate for attention and didn't realize how weird this "forced celebration of my manhood was". When the waitress got to the table I loudly said "I'm celebrating my first jaculation!!"

The waitress looked stunned! Her mouth sort of smirked than dropped open in disbelief. To further boast, I looked at my mom and said "I think I'm going to need another maxi pad!"

My parents got extremely embarrassed 😳 told the waitress I got things confused and instead of eating my parents made us all practically rush our of the restaurant. I still didn't really know what I did wrong and even said "it was a lot!" As we all got up from our booth to leave. My dad then ended up giving me the talk, the next day and explained to me "those kinds of things are private".

And the icing on the cake of this story is that I didn't realize that normally for a guy, he has to be sexually aroused to ejaculate. So when my dad asked me when "this happened", I had said "um yesterday when I was watching spiderman". And he squinted his eyes and had this concerned and confused look and just walked away

TL;Dr didn't understand anything about periods or ejaculation and made them "celebrate" a very awkward dinner for me

    Hate shooting cops in GTA 5

      I would really want to play the game. There's just one big problem: from what I've seen the game requires you to do crime and shoot at the police. I can't bring myself to do it. I'm making this post so Rockstar can see this and make a new version for us who can't stand crime. Preferably without gangsta rap like Drake in the radio either, I only listen to country.

      but u have to..be my girlfriend!! snickers nefariously

        but u have to..be my girlfriend!! *snickers nefariously* /thinks to self/ 'man, if this works, i'll get this cute girl to be my girlfriendand i'll ride the cool roller coasters! c'mon, luck be a lady tonight!' *crosses fingers and gulps* s-so..*adjusts collar and looks firmly* what do you say to my proposal? *waits patiently*
         but u have to.😕.be my girlfriend!!😍😍 snickers nefariously😂😂😂 /thinks to self/ 'man, if this works, I'll get this cute girl 👧to be my girlfriend😍 and i'll ride the cool roller coasters! 💯💯c'mon, luck be a lady tonight!' 👫crosses fingers and gulps😊 s-so.. adjusts collar and looks firmly 👌what do you say to my proposal? 💃waits patiently💑

        Speedhawk copypasta – Pois é, ngm assiste ou sequer jogou futebol. Acompanhando o sub me veio uma pergunta, seria eu o único que jogou futebol de forma organizada sem ser pelada com os amigos?

          AKA the Speedhawk copypasta. The original version was from r/nfl by u/ididilaudid bragging about being so good at football that he feels disconnected in football discussions. Later the meme was translated into Portuguese and it became a staple Brazilian shitpost for soccer.

          Pois é, ngm assiste ou sequer jogou futebol. Acompanhando o sub me veio uma pergunta, seria eu o único que jogou futebol de forma organizada sem ser pelada com os amigos?

tipo metade dos comentários que vejo aqui são obviamente escrito por não atletas que chega ser cômico.

Quando eu jogava no sub 17 do Ypiranga (3 anos de titular)Eu corria mais rápido que qualquer um. Os técnicos do time me chamavam de Falcão dos pampas, apelido que ganhei devido ao meu talento e durante essas três temporadas fui o lateral mais temido do gauchão sub-17. No meu último ano chegamos as semi finais do estadual mas fomos fudidos pelos árbitros nos 43 do segundo tempo mas isso é outro assunto (me manda no privado se tiver interessado em saber mais)

Então sim, espero que vocês possam entender porque eu sinto uma grande desconexão com os redditors desse sub. Por favor me diga que eu não sou o único que se sente assim lol

          English

          While following the sub, a question came to me: am I the only one who has played soccer in an organized way other than casual games with friends?

like half of the comments I see here are obviously written by non-athletes, which is almost comical.

When I played for Ypiranga's under-17 team (3 years as a starter) I ran faster than anyone. The team's coaches called me the Falcon of the Pampas, a nickname I earned due to my talent and during those three seasons we were the most feared full-back in the under-17 Gaucho team. In my last year we reached the semi-finals of the state championship but were fucked by the referees in the 43rd minute of the second half, but that's another subject (send me a private message if you're interested in knowing more)

So yes, I hope you can understand why I feel such a disconnect with the redditors on this sub. Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way lol

          Original

          Am I the only one in this sub who's actually played organized tackle football before?

Like half of the comments I've seen on this sub are so obviously written by non-athletes that it's almost humorous.

When I was in high school (3 year starter for our varsity football team) I would get a full-on sprint going and clock the shit outta whoever had the ball. My coaches called me "speedhawk" as a nickname caus I had such a nose for the football and for those three seasons I was considered the most feared safety in our conference. Senior year I led my team to the state semifinals only to get fucked over by the refs in the 4th but that's another conversation (DM me if you're interested in hearing about it)

So, yeah. I hope yall can understand why I feel like their's such a big disconnect between myself and your typical redditor. Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way lol

          you could slap the israeli flag on literally fucking anything

            you could slap the israeli flag on literally fucking anything and some fat twitter user with "sonion ring" humour and erectile dysfunction will slobber on your penis like you're gonna ejaculate water from the fountain of youth. talking about some "generational slander". fuck you

            Well, I knew I would beat Hikaru. I have already played him.

              From an interview with Lazavik when asked about how he felt after defeating Hikaru at EWC. 

              I knew I would beat Hikaru. He doesn’t know how to play at all! No jokes. His style has so many weaknesses that are clear... His opening often limps, his positional play too. I already beat him in London. So, I was simply sure that I dominate on all fronts. There was not a single match where I was so sure.