Okay, look. I love straight people. My best friend’s neighbor’s sister is straight, so don’t come at me like I’m some heterophobe or whatever. Some of my favorite characters are straight (Captain America? Iconic. He’s so brave for being openly heterosexual in this climate).
BUT, like… why y’all gotta make everything about being straight? Every damn book, movie, video game… it’s like, kiss kiss*—“Oh no, Becky, you complete me, Brad.” Like, girl, I get it, y’all wanna hold hands and make babies and do missionary every Thursday night before 9 PM. We get it, I swear! But damn, does the plot need to revolve around Chad’s desire to put a ring on Jessica’s finger while she wears a floral sundress and they sip lattes on a date? Is that really pushing the story forward? I came for the zombies, and y’all giving me a Hallmark wedding special.
And don’t even get me started on the kissing. The constant kissing. Like, can we have ONE damn fight scene without two straight people almost dying but then deciding NOW, in the middle of war, is the perfect time to “prove their love” through lip-locking? The world is burning down and y’all over here playing tongue twister because straight love conquers all. Meanwhile, the villain is literally recharging his powers with heteronormative PDA energy.
Look, I’m not saying straight people shouldn’t exist in fiction—I’m just asking for, you know, some subtlety? Like, could Chad be straight without needing to shout it from the mountaintops? Does Janet really need to tell her coworker for the 50th time how “the right man” will come around? Straight people always acting like their sexual orientation is a plot point. We’re just here for the dragon slaying, and suddenly the protagonist is dropping hints like “oh, by the way, I’m super into boobs.” Bro, WHO ASKED? Where’s the story justification?!
Just keep it private, you know? Like, idk, let Chad be straight in his own damn living room. Why do we have to see it? Straight marriage? Okay, fine, but why bring it into every conversation? Can’t they just live happily ever after in the background? Why y’all making everything about straight love like it’s revolutionary?
I mean, it’s 2024. No one’s mad that you’re straight; we just don’t wanna see it. Save it for the bedroom. Or better yet, save it for your suburban cul-de-sac BBQ where y’all can discuss mortgage rates and baby showers while pretending The Notebook is peak cinema. 😒
Last Rizzmas, I gave you my gyatt
But the very next day, you got Fanum taxed.
This year, to save me from mewing,
I'll give it to someone rizzful.
Last Rizzmas, I gave you my gyatt
But the very next day (Very next day), you rizzed it away (You rizzed it away)
This year, to save me from Fanum tax
I'll give it to someone sigma (Sigma)
Last Rizzmas, I rizzed up your gyatt
But the very next day, you mewed it to Kai Cenat
This year, to save me from Fanum tax
I'll give it to someone sigma (Sigma)
LASTTT RIZZMASSSS 🤓 😩 🥵
I GAVE YOUUUU MY GYATTTTT 🍑 😏
BUT THE VERYY NEXT DAY I GOT FANUM TAXXEDDDD 😭 🚕
THIS YEARRRR
TO SAVE ME FROM MEWWINNGGGG 🥴 🐱
ILL GIVE IT TO SOMEONE RIZZFULL 🌝
i don’t gyatt a lot for chrizzmas
I don't gyatt a lot for Chrizzmas
There is just one skibidi
Someone fanum tax the toilet
Cause Kai Cenat has to pee
I'm more a sigma than you know
I only edge in Ohio
I saw Speed there too
All I gyatt for Chrizzmas
Is you
I don't gyatt a lot for Chrizzmas
There is just one skibidi
Someone fanum tax the toilet
Cause Kai Cenat has to pee
I don't need to mew and lock in
Just for chat to see I'm based
Mr Beast won't give me Lunchly
With the prime on Chrizzmas Day
I'm more sigma than you know
I only edge in Ohio
I saw Speed there too
All I gyatt for Chrizzmas
Is you... you chat
12 days of Rizzmas
On the first day of Rizzmas, my Diddy gave to me A Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the second day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the third day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the fourth day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Four feining feins, Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the fifth day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Five Skibidis! Four feining feins, Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the sixth day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Six glizzies glazing, Five Skibidis! Four feining feins, Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the seventh day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Seven simps-a-simping, Six glizzies glazing, Five Skibidis! Four feining feins, Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the eighth day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Eight edging sessions, Seven simps-a-simping, Six glizzies glazing, Five Skibidis! Four feining feins, Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the ninth day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Nine Moggers mogging, Eight edging sessions, Seven simps-a-simping, Six glizzies glazing, Five Skibidis! Four feining feins, Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the tenth day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Ten Gyats-a-shaking, Nine Moggers mogging, Eight edging sessions, Seven simps-a-simping, Six glizzies glazing, Five Skibidis! Four feining feins, Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the eleventh day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Eleven Fanums taxing, Ten Gyats-a-shaking, Nine Moggers mogging, Eight edging sessions, Seven simps-a-simping, Six glizzies glazing, Five Skibidis! Four feining feins, Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
On the twelfth day of Rizzmas, my diddy gave to me Twelve Diddys draking, Eleven Fanums taxing, Ten Gyats-a-shaking, Nine Moggers mogging, Eight edging sessions, Seven simps-a-simping, Six glizzies glazing, Five Skibidis! Four feining feins, Three fine shyts, Two Hawk Tuahs, And a Lunchly from Mr. Beast.
Created by Ken Cheng, a comedian on LinkedIn, its a circlejerk story meant to poke fun at the hustler mentality of most LinkedIn users.
I owed a friend £22.91 for an Uber.
I transferred them £22.19 by accident.
They never brought it up.
Nobody would bring up 72p.
I did it on purpose.
I've been doing it for years.
Every time I have to transfer someone money, I "accidentally" leave off a bit.
I call it the Plausible Deniability Typo.
£24.37 instead of £24.73.
£9.38 instead of £9.83.
£3.46 instead of £3.64.
Sometimes if I'm feeling really risky, I'll do £18.54 instead of £19.54.
They'd look like a complete tool to quibble over this.
Instead, they are a tool in a different way.
A tool for me to get to the top.
I've probably made £100 over 5 years.
Its a hate rant on the Saurus species from the Warhammer universe.
I hate saurus. I hate them. I hate their lizard faces. I hate their clubs. I hate their sticks. I hate when the sticks are next to the clubs and I hate when the clubs are next to the sticks. I hate that Kroq-gar pulls 2280 of them out of his scaly asshole and then descends on me like a Vogon at a poetry convention.
I hate the Saurus auto-resolve meter. I hate it because it lies to me. It says I have a 50-50 chance of victory. This is patently false, because I have twenty units of skeletons who are held together with prit stik and prayer. I do not have twenty units of eight foot tall geckos constructed out of pectoral muscles and galvanised coffin nails.
I hate that they shout bok at me. Bok is the Bristol Orienteering Klub, which is completely irrelevant to a battle in Lustria and should not be shouted repeatedly while eating a rank of tier one infantry like buffalo wings.
I hate their morale. I hate that surrounding them simply prompts one of them to pull out a US general's helmet so he can make a speech about 'now we can attack in any direction'. I hate that their reaction to a devastating rear attack is to become somewhat peeved. I have looked a Saurus in his smug scaly face as an encirclement that would shatter any other early game infantry closed in.
He went from :I to >:I , killed an extra two hundred skeletons because I had foolishly allowed all four sides of the Saurus unit to fight at once and then swallowed my Liche Priest like a slim jim.
I have resolved to shoot every Saurus dead. Every Saurus. All of the Saurmen and the Saurdren too. I hate them. I no longer see battlefields because they're covered by a thick blanket of arrow trails. I hate that it barely stops them. I hate that they keep coming while shouting about the Bristol orienteering klub, or the Bank of Oklahoma or the 1983 Bok asteroid. I hate that they made me google bok so I could write down ways in which I hate things that have it as a name. Bok is also a lunar crater and a martian crater. It is also a village in Iran. The IATA code for Brookings Airport is Bok. I will never go there because it would give me palpitations.
I hate that Kroq Gar is friends with the Rare Pepe next door, who also declares war once I've shot Kroq Gar unconscious for the tenth time. He also has Saurus only these ones are blue. Somehow this is worse.
I hate that there are another ten Lizard factions. I hate that they will be in end game by the time I reach them. I hate that while I was writing this Kroq Gar picked up Kalida and smoked her like a cigar.
I hate Saurus.
Guys, the other day I was playing at a casino, you know, using all my +18 Balatro gambling skills, as Pegi advertises, but it was weird.
First there were no bosses, second I was playing with other players (since when Balatro has multiplayer?), and finally, everyone was using the same deck, and neither a fancy one, I kept asking for a Yellow Deck, but everyone was like “Why do you keep asking for 10 dollars? Do we look like a bank?”
Anyway, things go well, and I keep winning chips, some folks were confused that my chips keep growing when I was not even “betting” (I don’t even know what that means. They keep saying you needed to take chips and put in some kind of hot pot? Sounded they either eat chips or smoke it, which sound horrible and stupid.).
The problem was, I was becoming bored of playing the same basic hands, so at some point I had enough, and put in the table a Banana, Ramen, a dice, a heartstone and some half-eaten popcorn. I pulled a booster pack, picked a polychrome ace heart card and used four death cards to make a Five Flush. I know, I know, not very optimal, I should have kidnapped four burger kings and a mime.
So suddenly, everyone is screaming at me for being a cheater, even though I keep telling my hand was a legit hand as I learned in Balatro, the gambling teacher game for adults, the casino refuses to me to pay me my money I won fair and just (Heck, is only 2 dollars for my two hands. I don’t why they keep counting nervously my trillion chips and sobbing half-way everytime I ask for my money), and now guys in black suits and dark glasses keep chasing me and keep repeating something something about “Level 3 reality threat”. What do I do? I just want to play Balatro, but they keep hijacking my internet and backseating me into playing flushes, is a fucking nightmare.
On this day in PISStory, according to DICKipedia… "On 1️⃣4️⃣ DICKcember 🍆😂 2008 ✌️👌👌🎱 , Iraqi 🇮🇶 journalist 🤓📰✍️ Muntadhar al-Zaidi removed his shoes 🫳👞👞 and YEETED THOSE THANGS 🤾♂️ at US 🇺🇸🤢 presidussy 🙄😏🤪 George W 👙🦵BUSH🦵🫢 !‼️‼️!!" 🤣🤣🧓🏻💥👞 Take a lesson 👩🏫💭 from Mr. al-ZADDY 🙌🙌 today… if someone's 🧓🏻giving you and your homies 👪🇵🇸 a tough time 😡, hit em with the the ✊️👢FOOTWEAR OF JUSTICE!✊️!👢!🩴‼️‼️ Send this to your shoe-clad 👠👡comrades 👯👯♀️👯♂️ in the fight against fascism 🙅♀️🇺🇸🇮🇱🙅♀️💣🙅♀️. Get none 🔙 and you're sucking old Georgie's toesies!👄🦶🤮 Get 🖐🖐🖐 🔙 and you wield🤺⚔️ LA CHANCLA PODEROSA🩴⚖️✊️‼️‼️ either way… FREE PALESTINE!! 🇵🇸 🍉 🇵🇸🍉 🇵🇸🍉 🇵🇸
