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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

Quando começamos a namorar, o pai dela me perguntou: “você trabalha?”

    Quando começamos a namorar, o pai dela me perguntou: "você trabalha?"
Eu todo feliz, respondi que sim.
"Você trabalha com o que?"
- Eu sou chapeiro, trabalho no centro.
Ele questionou:
"O que um chapinha faz?"
Eu todo tímido respondi: eu faço hambúrguer senhor.
Minha namorada tava com olho arregalado, pegou na minha mão e disse: 'pai, a gente vai sair e depois vocês conversam mais."
Assim que saímos, ela disse:
"Amor, não liga pro meu pai!"
Eu falei que estava tranquilo, mas por dentro já me veio o medo de perde-la.
Saímos e foi tudo perfeito, eu queria pagar a conta, mas ela fazia questão de rachar.
No dia seguinte quando fui buscar em casa, eu ouvi o pai dela cochichar: "O que aquele assalariado tem pra te oferecer?"
Nossa mano, aquilo acabou com a minha noite mais uma vez.
Quando minha mina saiu, ela estava tão linda e com um sorriso disfarçado. Como se estivesse segurando o choro.
A gente foi numa pracinha e ela tava tão caladinha.
Eu perguntei:
O que foi amor?
"- nada vida."
Eu olhei nos olhos dela e disse: não desista de mim!
Os olhos dela se encheram de lágrimas.
Eu estava no 9° período da faculdade de enfermagem. No último periodo comecei a fazer estágio.
8 meses depois, eu aposentei meu avental preto e estreei o meu jaleco branco.
Na minha formatura só estava ela e minha mãe. Elas estavam chorando com orgulho de mim.
Peguei a recisão, dei entrada em um AP de 40m². Meus amigos fizeram um chá de casa nova e mobiliei aos poucos.
Mesmo sem cama e sem sofá, adivinha quem tá grávida de 3 meses e tá aqui comigo hoje?
A amiga dela que conheci em uns encontros de amigos e acabei vendo que era o amor da minha vida ISSO MESMO
Não importa o que a mulher passou contigo, você não se torna prisioneiro por isso , se você se apaixonar por outra garota, largue e constitua um novo amor

    Open English translated

    When we started dating, her father asked me: "do you work?"
Me all happy, I replied yes.
"What's your occupation?"
- I'm a hatter, I work downtown.
He questioned:
"What does a chap do?"
Me all shy replied: I make burger sir.
My girlfriend had wide eyes, she took my hand and said: 'Dad, we're going out and then you can talk more.
As soon as we left, she said:
"Love, don't mind my dad!"
I said I was calm, but inside I was already afraid of losing her.
We left and everything was perfect, I wanted to pay the bill but she insisted on splitting.
The next day when I went to get it at home, I heard her father whisper: "What does that salaryman have to offer you?"
Jeez bro, that ruined my night yet again.
When my mine came out, she was so beautiful and with a smile in disguise. As if holding back tears.
We went to a little square and she was so quiet.
I asked:
What happened dear?
"- nothing life."
I looked into her eyes and said: don't give up on me!
Her eyes filled with tears.
I was in the 9th period of nursing school. In the last period I started to do internship.
8 months later, I retired my black apron and debuted my white lab coat.
At my graduation there was only her and my mother. They were crying proud of me.
I took the termination, I entered an AP of 40m². My friends made a new house tea and I furnished it little by little.
Even without a bed and without a sofa, guess who is 3 months pregnant and is here with me today?
Her friend that I met at some friends' meetings and ended up seeing that she was the love of my life THAT'S RIGHT
It doesn't matter what the woman went through with you, you don't become a prisoner so if you fall in love with another girl, let go and make a new love

    I met Shawn Michaels at a restaurant once

      I met Shawn Michaels at a restaurant once - we’d accidentally been given his table. Apparently he was fond of the restaurant and had a specific table he liked, and the management had messed up and gotten their days wrong, (it was Tuesday and they thought he was coming on Thursday or something like that). Anyway, the manager, completely embarrassed (this is a pretty nice restaurant) comes by and says “I’m so sorry, but we’d like to move you to another table if you could be troubled, and we’ll gladly compensate you for the cost of the meal and any other meal you’d like while you’re in town.” My sister and cousin were both like “Yeah that’s cool.” and I kind of played the asshole a bit. “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. We’ve been here for 15 minutes - we’ve just ordered. Can’t we finish our meal here?” Then out of nowhere Shawn Michaels shows up next to the manager and says “Paul, these guys can finish. We’ll be at the bar. I got some time.” And I (being a big HBK fan) said “Oh wow, uh… I had no idea. Please feel free to give them the table.” Shawn was grateful, shook my hand and said thanks, then gave me a card with his number on it and told me to give him a call later. After working up the nerve, I gave him a call that night, and to make a long story short, we had a glorious 11 month love affair, man on man, that I shall never forget. Our bodies intertwined as one, and from the beauty of Morocco, to the French Riviera, to the snorkeling in the Galopagos, Shawn Michaels and I made glorious gay love to each other on six of the seven continents.
      I met Shawn Michaels at a restaurant once - we’d accidentally been given his table. Apparently he was fond of the restaurant and had a specific table he liked, and the management had messed up and gotten their days wrong, (it was Tuesday and they thought he was coming on Thursday or something like that).

Anyway, the manager, completely embarrassed (this is a pretty nice restaurant) comes by and says “I’m so sorry, but we’d like to move you to another table if you could be troubled, and we’ll gladly compensate you for the cost of the meal and any other meal you’d like while you’re in town.” My sister and cousin were both like “Yeah that’s cool.” and I kind of played the asshole a bit.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. We’ve been here for 15 minutes - we’ve just ordered. Can’t we finish our meal here?”

Then out of nowhere Shawn Michaels shows up next to the manager and says “Paul, these guys can finish. We’ll be at the bar. I got some time.”

And I (being a big HBK fan) said “Oh wow, uh… I had no idea. Please feel free to give them the table.”

Shawn was grateful, shook my hand and said thanks, then gave me a card with his number on it and told me to give him a call later. After working up the nerve, I gave him a call that night, and to make a long story short, we had a glorious 11 month love affair, man on man, that I shall never forget. Our bodies intertwined as one, and from the beauty of Morocco, to the French Riviera, to the snorkeling in the Galopagos, Shawn Michaels and I made glorious gay love to each other on six of the seven continents.

      I fucking hate gaming laptops.

        linus about to drop this big boi 
        Today when I walked into my economics class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The Forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than Amy Schumer's thigh. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a fucking outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them. The teacher starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I fucking hate gaming laptops.

        Fui no supermercado comprar 1 pepino e 1 camisinha e me dei mal.

          Eu sempre tive uma vontade estúpida de fazer essa "brincadeira" Chego no caixa do supermercado com um pepino e uma camisinha, nada mais, só pra ver a reação do caixa tentando imaginar o que eu ia fazer com aquilo.

Fiz isso ontem de noite voltando do trabalho, e foi hilário. Eu fiquei rindo sozinho em casa feito um doente, imaginando o que se passou na cabeça da atendente. Elas sempre dão boa noite e puxam algum assunto, mas dessa vez a mulher não conseguiu falar nada de tão chocada.

Beleza. Isso foi ontem. O problema é que eu voltei lá agora pouco, e a impressão que eu tive é de que todos me olhavam estranho. Cheguei até a encontrar o olhar com o gerente e ele desviou segurando riso. Tá na cara, né. A mulher saiu contando pra geral. Agora eu não posso mais voltar no supermercado que eu frequento quase todos os dias há anos porque todos os funcionários estão pensando que eu me masturbo enfiando um pepino no rabo. Estou extremamente envergonhado e acho que vou ter que começar a ir em outro lugar. Pra completar, eu gastei dinheiro com pepino e camisinha, sendo que eu não transo e nem gosto de legumes.

          Open English translated

          I've always had this stupid urge to do this "joke". I arrive at the supermarket checkout with a cucumber and a condom, nothing else, just to see the cashier's reaction trying to imagine what I was going to do with it.
I did this last night on my way home from work, and it was hilarious. I was laughing alone at home like a sick person, imagining what was going on in the attendant's head. They always say good night and bring up some subject, but this time the woman couldn't say anything she was so shocked.
Beauty. That was yesterday. The problem is that I went back there just now, and the impression I had was that everyone was looking at me strangely. I even met the manager's eye and he looked away with a chuckle. It's on the face, right? The woman left telling the general. Now I can't go back to the supermarket I've been going to almost every day for years because all the employees are thinking I masturbate by sticking a cucumber up my ass. I'm extremely embarrassed and I think I'm going to have to start going elsewhere. To top it off, I spent money on cucumbers and condoms, since I don't have sex and I don't even like vegetables.

          Tem coisa mais amedrontadora do que ir a barbearia?

            >já vou puto pq o corte é 35 pila
>chego lá
>3 barbeiros
>10 clientes sem camisa, de chinelo e com calção de jogar bola
>estranhamente todos os clientes se conhecem
>clientes ficam conversando e vc exatamente assim →😐
>você senta ou fica de pé
>começa a suar pra caralho pq tem medo de gente
>MC cabelinho tocando de fundo (algo que te faz ter ainda mais medo do ambiente)
>barbeiro levando 40 minutos pra fazer um pezinho
>após 2 horas de espera, chega sua vez
>barbeiro pergunta qual corte vc vai "lançar"
>vc responde
>barbeiro não entende pq vc fala baixo pra caralho
>responde de novo (agora falando mais alto)
>barbeiro já te julga como estranho por ter escolhido um corte tão nerd
>corte terminado
>barbeiro pergunta se você vai fazer a sobrancelha
>vc responde que sim
>novamente ele não entende pq vc fala pra dentro
>vc responde de novo que sim
>barbeiro para o rosto 5 centímetros longe da sua cara pra fazer sua sombrancelha
>você entra em desespero pq não sabe se fecha o olho, fica com o olho aberto, olha pro lado ou oq
>sombrancelha feita
>barbeiro te pergunta qual vai ser a forma de pagamento
>vc responde que é no dinheiro
>ele não entende de novo
>vc responde novamente que vai ser no dinheiro
>volta pra casa e se tranca no quarto pensando pq a vida é tão difícil pra você

            Open English translated

            Is there anything scarier than going to the barbershop?
> I'm already pissed because the cut is 35 dick
>get there
>3 barbers
>10 customers without a shirt, in flip-flops and soccer shorts
>Strangely, all the customers know each other
>customers are talking and you are exactly like this →😐
>you sit or stand
>starts sweating like hell because he's scared of people
>MC cabelinho playing in the background (something that makes you even more afraid of the environment)
>barber taking 40 minutes to make a foot
>after 2 hours of waiting, it's your turn
>barber asks which cut you're going to "launch"
>you answer
>barber doesn't understand why you talk so fucking low
>answers again (now louder)
>barber already judges you as weird for choosing such a nerdy cut
>finished cut
>barber asks if you're going to get your eyebrows done
>you say yes
>again he doesn't understand why you talk inside
>you say yes again
>barber for the face 5 centimeters away from your face to do your eyebrows
>you get desperate because you don't know whether to close your eyes, keep your eyes open, look to the side or what
>eyebrow done
>barber asks you what the payment method will be
>you say it's in the money
>he doesn't understand again
>you answer again that it will be in the money
>come home and lock yourself in your room wondering why life is so hard for you

            Why was 6 afraid of 7?

              Vsauce

              Is it because 7 8 9?
*No. 7 never 8 9. Seven doesn't even know nine.
The truth is, one day, six and seven decided to go camping together. And seven, one-ted, two bring ,three knives, four sur-five-al, but Six knew that Seven secretly h-eight-ed him, and he didn't have be-nine in-ten-tions.*
              Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

b/c he 1ted 2 bring 3 knives 4 "sur5al," but 6 knew 7 secretly h8ed him & didn't have be9 in10tions.

              Vsauce Tweet and YT Shorts

              Original

              It's a fairly common question, mostly because when people see 6 and 7 next to each other, it doesn't really make sense. 6 is large, muscled, and trained in multiple martial arts, while 7 is fairly average, physically, and short. However, 6's fear of 7 has its roots in childhood. See, 6 and 7 grew up together, and for a few years, they were best friends. But then 6 kissed 3, and they became childhood sweethearts. 7 secretly had feelings for 3, so 7 decided he needed to destroy 6 to win 3's affection. He started subtly, undermining 6 whenever possible with passive aggressive comments and compli-sults. But over time, things got much more insidious. 7 started messing with 6's performance in school, bringing down his grades and turning teachers against him. Even worse, 7 became great friends with 6's parents and slowly turned them against their own offspring. At night, 7 would sneak into 6's bedroom, and whisper depressing and hopeless things into his ears. Every time 3 was around, 7 would pants 6 and make fun of his genitalia, or try to body shame him in other ways. However, 3 was both smart and compassionate, and saw through 7's schemes, sticking with 6, trying to counter 7's psychological tear-down with compliments and friendship. Finally, 7 decided that he would never be able to win 3, so he drugged both 6 and 3, taking them to an abandoned cobbler's hut on the edge of town. There, he proceeded to torture and maim 3, forcing 6 to watch in horror, unable to do anything to save his sweetheart. 7 didn't kill 3, but instead, put her in a semi-vegetative state. 7 cleaned the scene of his prescence, then called the cops, having 6 blamed for 3's condition. 6 was sent to prison, believing 6 was guilty, 6's parents fell into a deep depression, eventually committing suicide over what they believed 6 had done. After serving 17 years of a 30 year sentence, and getting out on good behaviour, 6, now muscled and skilled as a fighter, thought he might get revenge on 7. But when he finally tracked down 7, he found out that 7 had installed a micro-bomb into 3's body, and should he be killed, the bomb would automatically go off and kill 3 as well. And though she was still in a mostly fugue state, 6 couldn't bring himself to hurt her any further, and decided to try and move on with his life. However, being an ex-con, it was difficult for him to get a job. 6 finally found employment at a diner, which 7 then bought, and proceeded to again undermine and toy with 6 at every turn. 6 tried to find employment elsewhere, but 7 contacted any potential employer and soured them against 6. 6 finally realized that no matter what he did, 7 was going to try and ruin his life, and he resigned himself to living as a broken, lonely man, never able to stand up to the depraved, amoral 7.