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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

Caguei no provador da Renner

    Eu estava apenas escolhendo uma camisa nova na Renner, tentando achar uma que combinasse mais comigo, finalmente achei 2 Camisas do meu gosto porém comecei a sentir uma leve dor de barriga, pensei que não era nada demais...

Logo depois eu estava no provador, quando estava prestes a vestir a primeira camisa, uma caganeira avassaladora tomou de conta do meu ser

Eu não conseguia ter controle sobre minhas próprias pregas anais

Precisei abaixar as calças e fazer oq tinha que ser feito

E fiz Ali mesmo

Usei as camisas que outrora me agradavam os olhos para limpar meu rabo

Fugi de lá o mais rápido que pude sem olhar para trás

Acordo todas as madrugadas com pesadelos desse dia terrível

Sonhando com o olhar aterrorizado do pobre funcionário que adentrou aquele provador.

    Open English translated

    I was just picking out a new shirt at Renner, trying to find one that suited me the best, I finally found 2 Shirts I liked but I started to feel a slight stomach ache, I thought it was no big deal...

Soon after I was in the dressing room, when I was about to wear the first shirt, an overwhelming shit took over my being

I couldn't control my own anal folds

I had to drop my pants and do what had to be done

And I did it right there

I used the shirts that once pleased my eyes to wipe my ass

I ran away as fast as I could without looking back.

I wake up every morning with nightmares of that terrible day.

Dreaming of the terrified look of the poor employee who entered that fitting room.

    Pocket ravioli😢

      😢💔🍝💼 My heart is shattered into a million pieces. 😭 I had been saving my last piece of ravioli 🍝 for the perfect moment, and I thought that moment had come. But as I reached into my pocket 💼 to retrieve it, I fumbled and it fell onto the ground. 😞 The ravioli was ruined, and so was my day. The tears won't stop flowing 😢, and I can't help but think that nothing will ever be good again. 💔

😞👎🏼💔🍝🌧️ Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes? ☹️🤧🍝 My last piece of ravioli, my only source of comfort, now lying in a puddle of rain water ☔️ and dirt 😭. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, and I don't know how to go on 💔.

😢😭👎🏼🍝👋🏼😩😫💔 Why did fate have to be so cruel to me? 😞🌧️ I just wanted to enjoy my ravioli 🍝, to savor every bite 😋, but now it's all ruined 👎🏼. My stomach growls in hunger 😩, but all I can feel is the emptiness and disappointment 😫. I can't believe this happened to me 💔.

😔😞👎🏼🍝🥺🙏🏼💔 I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve this 🤔. Was it something I said or did? 🤷🏻‍♂️ I know it may sound silly, but I wish I could turn back time ⏰ and do things differently. Maybe then my ravioli 🍝 would still be in my pocket 💼, safe and sound. But now, all I can do is pray 🙏🏼 for a miracle to bring my ravioli back to me 💔.

😢👀💔🍝💦😭 Every time I close my eyes, I see my precious ravioli 🍝 lying in the dirt 💦. It's like a constant reminder of my failure 😞. I should have been more careful, I should have been more appreciative of what I had. Now, it's too late 💔.

😩💼🍝😔😫💔 I can't even bring myself to throw away the container that held my ravioli 💼. It feels like the last piece of evidence that it ever existed 😔. But it's empty now, just like my heart 😫. I wish I could go back to the moment before I spilled it, to hold onto it just a little tighter 💔.

😞🍝💔😭👀🌧️💦 I keep replaying the moment in my head, wishing I could have done something to prevent it 💭. But it's no use, the damage is done 💔. And now, even the rain ☔️ seems to mock me, as if adding insult to injury 😔. It's like the universe is conspiring against me, making me suffer for no reason 💔.

😢💔🍝😞😩😫🥺😭 The worst part is, I don't even know what to do now 😔.

      The r/atheism user woke up…

        The r/atheism user woke up groggy next to his 6 pack of empty Mountain Dew cans. He lifted his 400 pound frame off his bed wondering how many women he’d be able to harass on Xbox Live today when just then he remembered: today was the day. Today was the day he would finally get a chance to debate Christian sheep and slay their god in heaven. Excitedly, he got on his disability scooter and then into his 2007 Toyota Corolla. He drove to the hospital, scoffing every time he saw a crucifix bumper sticker and made sure to situate his fedora before he got out, parking in between two disability slots. When he entered, he got his camera ready, and going up to the third floor he thought “Reddit, the last enlightened place on Earth, will finally give me the attention I deserve and recognize me for my intelligence.” He entered into the room where his grandmother was lying and drawing her last breaths. A priest was standing next to her along with her children and grandchildren, anointing her and hearing her last confessions. “This is it,” he thought, “this is where I own those religiotards and achieve victory for atheism.” He boldly walked right next to his grandmother’s side and just as the priest said “may God bless your soul,” he bravely rebutted with “but there is no god to meet you in heaven. None of it is real. Your sky daddy won’t save you this time.” His grandmother looked on him in shock, opening her mouth. But then she slouched and a long beep was heard and her mouth remained wide open. “Yet another victory for atheism,” he said, looking at his family members who were stricken with faces of horror. “I’m sure they’ve finally realized their God is dead.” He opened Reddit, excited by the prospect of the karma he was going to get by posting the video he took on r/atheism.

        I caught my son having sex with the new BLÅHAJ toy we got him for Christmas

          A couple of weeks ago, we bought our son(M 14) a new BLÅHAJ toy for Christmas. I(M 53) didn’t know why, because he was 14 and felt he would of matured out of plushies by now, but we bought it for him anyways since his grades are pretty good. We also stopped seeing it after a bit so I just thought he did mature.

Well, I figured it out just yesterday. What happened yesterday was that his mom, my wife(F 50) finished making dinner for all of us, and called my son to the living room to eat. But he didn’t show up, we figured he was playing video games (He always plays something called League of Legends or something) and was just finishing something up. But after 15 minutes and him saying nothing, I was furious and barged into his room.

What I saw still is shocking me, and I see it every time I close my eyes. He was wearing a black mask, the type you’d wear during the pandemic, long pink socks that went all the way up to his thighs, and a buttblug. His BLÅHAJ was even worse however. It had 2 pretty small holes stabbed in it with a knife right where the tail joins the body and the inside of the mouth. He made it wear a ball gag, cat ears, and he stole a pair of her mothers fishnet stockings, cut it in half, and put it on its tail.

The BLÅHAJ was horrifying. I’m assuming he started fucking it ever since we stopped seeing it. The BLÅHAJ was entirely white, every bit of color it had looked like it was painted over white.

When I had barged into his room, I let out a shriek as i saw his bare ass with the butt plug, fucking the BLÅHAJ in the hole he had made near the tail. He turned around trying to tell me that it wasn't how it looked. But it was exactly how it seemed like. When he picked it up there was his fucking SEMEN dripping from the BLÅHAJ plushie and going on the ground, and it was making a squelching noise when he lifted it off the ground. I don't think he used it for just fucking either, as it smelled like piss too. (I bet if I had squeezed it, 100 gallons of pure semen would come out) And if you had replaced all the semen on the floor with blood, it would of been the most gruesome crime scene ever documented.

We have now disowned him, and he has ran away to his friends house. We also want to throw the BLÅHAJ away, but we are too disgusted to even remotely get near the damn thing. We don't know what to do with it, we want to call 911 but are afraid we might get fined if they think we are overreacting, or just simply laughed at and hung up on. We have barricaded his room with spare furniture just to stop the smell of his fucking semen taking over the house.

          My mother found out I call my girlfriend mommy

            So for full context I'm a man in my late 20's, my girlfriend is in her early 30's and my mom is in her late 50's. My girlfriend and I engage in "mommydom" where she's dominant in and outside of the bedroom. She also likes it when I call her mommy during sex and just as a term of endearment. This has nothing to do with my actual mother and I don't have any sexual desires towards her. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and engage in a lot of BDSM activities with the "mommydom" play and I'm always submissive. It's my kink and what gets me off. I can't explain it.

Well as for how my mother found out it's really my own fault. I have my girlfriend as "Mommy" in my phone and my mom as "mom" and my girlfriend gets off when I send her pictures at work. She made me wear a chastity cage for a week (a cage over my penis to deny it any stimulation, keep it from becoming erect and it has a locking mechanism so I can't take it off) and I accidentally replied to mom instead of mommy via text message with a picture of my penis in the cage with the text message of "I'm trying to be a good boy mommy but the cage is so tight. It's coming off tomorrow right?" I sent a picture of my penis in a chastity cage to my actual mother.

Obviously she responds with "What the fuck!?" Then immediately starts laying into me via text. I explained at surface level what our relationship is and said it was "Gross" and that she was ashamed. She got into a text argument with my girlfriend as well. I talked to her and she eventually calmed down and said she reacted poorly and apologized but she just begged me not to ever hear anything about it again. My girlfriend was still angry about names she called her though. But my mom invited us to dinner. My girlfriend was wearing her coat since it was cold and during dinner my girlfriend took off her coat and she was wearing a very low cut shirt that says "Your son calls me mommy too." The moment she took it off my mom yells "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?" Then they started fighting.

We ended up leaving early while my face was incredibly red during the whole drive back. I'm trying to get them to reconcile and my girlfriend agrees that was petty and apologized for her behavior but my mom is still angry with both of us now and I don't know what to do.

            I just found out my 75 year old grandfather watches hentai.

              So he was having problems with his laptop computer and asked me to look at it. I of course agreed since he's my grandpa. Well I opened it up and logged in but I guess he doesn't know about clearing his browser history or incognito mode because he watches a TON of hentai. As in that's the vast majority of his web browsing.

Well I saw what he was talking about and what his problem was. His hard drive was full. Full of hentai. Now I have to talk to my grandfather about his porn habits and exolain that he's going to have to delete some of these videos now. Today is not going great.