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I’m the guy you don’t want on your team

    I’m the guy you don’t want on your team
    byu/alexandergutt inleagueoflegends
     I'm the guy you don't want on your team 

I'm a normal guy. I work a corporate job in a profession that requires qualifications. I perform well there. I have a university degree. I have a few friends, two cats, and a girlfriend. Planning to have kids. I get along with people. People describe me as calm, collected, and very intelligent.

This game, however, brings out something from deep within me. This thing is not human. This entity is toxic, it's self-destructive, it's defiant. I become an absolute garbage goblin monkey when I play this game. I go on 10-game winning streaks, I go 30/5. And similar losing streaks going 2/19. But it doesn't matter if I win or lose. Somehow, I think I play for the rage. And win or lose, I rage all the same.

I used to play this game normally. Played ranked and got to gold with a 60-70% winrate the first season I played. At some point I lost a few games in a row, and something clicked within me. This was in season 6.

I am permanently tilted. I cannot bring myself to care about winning or actually try, yet I go absolutely berserk if I lose a trade, miss a last hit, or die in lane. I lost a trade? You better believe I'm going to all-in and die. I miss a last hit because the minion suddenly has a mind of its own and runs away from me while it dies? I'm probably going to flash and ult in place.

I sometimes wake up from a sort of gaming-induced haze, simultaneously realising and wondering what the hell I am doing as I cackle to myself atop my anti-haemorrhoid pillow while typing "wait for late", "play safe" to my teammates after dying three times in five minutes on Master Yi top. I'm a grown man. A sort of inside joke, but I am the only one in the know. I have responsibilities. They don't know I'm parodying a certain archetype that exists in this game's player base. I have work tomorrow. Because, of course, they can't distinguish me from someone truly of that archetype. I could be doing something productive. And I ask myself: Am I actually pretending?

I can't keep myself from attempting things that I know will with 90% certainty have a negative outcome. I can't bring myself to care enough to play patiently and just not do it. Yet when it goes wrong, I turn into a despicable, raging, basement-dwelling troll.

I can't let the game win. I can't let the sanctimonious normies who tell me to take a break to avoid tilting win. I queue up again, I ban None. I take ignite. And the day is ruined.

    ⚠️WARNING⚠️ cock inspection is NOT required at the voting booths!!!! don’t be tricked like me!!

      this is a true story, I was the "official"

      AKA the cock inspection copypasta is a story about a gullible guy getting his penis inspected by a stranger while waiting in line. The pasta originally started in r/copypasta during the the 2020 election.

      So I was waiting in line to vote when all of a sudden this voting "official" came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my voter registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm voter identity. Because o though he was a voting official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I voted I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the security guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy voting!

      Arc Raiders

      So I was waiting to trade in my free loadout augment when all of a sudden this lance came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my raider registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm raider identity. Because I thought he was a medical official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I received the augment I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the speranza guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy raiding!

      Covid vaccination

      So I was waiting in line to receive my vaccine when all of a sudden this medical "official" came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my patient registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm patient identity. Because I thought he was a medical official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I received the vaccine I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the security guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy vaccinating!

      Briggsy Monologue

        Its Captain Briggsy monologue whenever you’ve accepted a voyage in Sea of Thieves.

        Thank you for accepting this most adventurous of expeditions! I’m searching for a specific skull, that’s why I asked multiple crews to embark on this voyage. Just be aware that once you have the chest, key, or skull, you’ll be visible to allll the other crews! You might have to fight them off the claim the reward for yourself! As soon as you bring the Skull of siren song to the destination I give you, I will make my presence known. So what are you waiting for? On with the quest!... oh, and good luck
        Thank you 🙏🏻 for accepting this most adventurous 🔭of expeditions ⛵️🌊! I’m searching 👀 for a specific skull 💀,that’s why I asked multiple crews 🏴‍☠️🧑‍🧑‍🧒‍🧒👯 to embark 🐶on this voyage⛵️🌊. Just be aware 📣 that once you have the chest🎁, key🗝️, or skull💀, you’ll be visible👁️🫦👁️to allll the other crews 🏴‍☠️🧑‍🧑‍🧒‍🧒👯. You might have to fight 🤺⚔️ them off the claim 👇🏻 the reward 🏆👑 for yourself🫵. As soon ⏱️ as you bring the Skull💀 of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️ song 🗣️🎶to the destination 📍🗺️ I give 🤲 you, I will make my presence 🙋🏻‍♂️ known 🧠🗯️. So what 🤷 are you waiting for⏳? On with the quest ⛵️🌊!... oh, and good luck🍀!
        Thank you for accepting this most adventurous of expeditions!

I’m searching for a specific skull. That’s why I’ve asked multiple crews to embark on this Voyage.

Just be aware that once you have the Chest, Key, or Skull, you’ll be visible to all the other crews.

You might have to fight them off to claim the reward for yourself… As soon as you bring the Skull of Siren Song to the destination I give you, I will make my presence known.

So what are you waiting for? On with the quest!

Oh, and good luck!