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🧬⚔️ the virgin vulva VS. THE CHAD PENIS

    🤏 the virgin vulva

• pees from one hole, bleeds from another, orgasms from a third

• requires a flowchart and at least two mirrors just to locate anything

• overengineered like a victorian clock but with worse instructions

• external stimulation needed like it’s a usb device from 1998

• discharge just… happens??

• “self-cleaning” but somehow still needs a backup team of wipes, sprays, and prayers

• orgasm is elusive and often outsourced to electronics

• zero interface standardization

• discharge types read like an rpg loot drop

• squirting = rare event debated by philosophers

• can’t aim pee. just vibes and backsplash

• maintenance-intensive — needs monthly reboot with blood

• emotionally bonded to her vibrator more than her boyfriend

VS

🍆 THE CHAD PENIS

• SINGLE TUBE. MULTI-STREAM. NO NONSENSE

• HYDRAULICALLY ACTUATED. FULL MAST IN SECONDS

• DOESN’T NEED A USER MANUAL — JUST ONE HAND AND FREE TIME

• ORGASMS LIKE CLOCKWORK. EVERY TIME. GUARANTEED

• CLEANING SYSTEM INCLUDED (PRE-CUM™)

• CAN BE SPUN LIKE A HELICOPTER BLADE FOR MORAL SUPPORT

• DOUBLE AS CRANKSHAFT, LEVER, OR SPIRITUAL COMPASS

• CAN BE OPERATED STANDING, LYING DOWN, OR IN SHAME

• ZERO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

• PISS LASER AIMED WITH MILITARY PRECISION

• ALWAYS READY. NEVER ASKS QUESTIONS

• EMOTIONAL DAMAGE? STORED SAFELY IN THE BALLS

• RETRACTS WHEN DONE. NO BLEEDING, NO MYSTERY.

• EVOLUTION’S FINEST MULTITOOL.

🧠 Closing Thoughts:

the virgin vulva: requires candles, affirmations, lube, emotional support, 7-step guide to find g-spot

THE CHAD PENIS: GRAB, CRANK, FIRE.

    Lung, was a terribly repressed homosexual

      Lung from Parahumans

      By u/Rodoran, its an unhinged shower-thought comment on Lung from Parahumans being gay and is a power bottom.

      Lung, was a terribly repressed homosexual. He wanted desperately to be a power bottom, but every time he met a sexual rival, he would turn into a dragon, and thus suddenly become a top.

His closest sexual encounter was during the fight in Japan, vs the Endbringer Leviathan. Unfortunately, every time he was about to be 'taken', he would strengthen further. First came the second set of limbs, then wings, then his scales hardened to a degree that even legends lasers couldn't penetrate.

Sadly, if Lung knew better, he would have absolutely let Legend penetrate him. He was however, a bit busy due to the giant Endbringer, so he wasn't able to satisfy his sexual urges.

The stories tell of Kyushu and how it sank that day, but the stories often tell a lie. The heroes don't want the truth to get out, and almost every villain attending died or drowned in the chaos that followed.

Cauldron(who you don't know, and have never heard of, if you god damn know what's good for you), made sure the story was about the heroic growing dragon man, fighting the terrifying water Godzilla, both going at each other until the island sank.

The truth was, though, after being spanked for 8 straight minutes, Lung's errection was large and powerful enough to completely crush the island. Thousands of heroes(including independents and villains, because everyone is a hero during an Endbringer battle) died due to his massive, draconic throbbing cock, which tore the land asunder.

The reason Lung was allowed to leave, and eventually settle in Brocton Bay had nothing to do with his perceived power, it was simply down to a moment after the battle where Alexandria side eyed both Legend and Eidolon, and whispered "holy shit, dibs"

And this, the legend of Lung became something told to children everywhere, how he was feared, and not someone to fight. Parents, of course, ones who knew the true story, did not tell their kids.

Because of this information failure, one night in the middle of 2011, a teenage girl who hadn't picked a name yet, would unintentionally challenge the dragon, and she would, also unintentionally rot off the world's largest penis. This would have reprocusions that would last until the battle with Scion himself, but that's a story for another time....

      Alouette

        Alouette from Shadowverse

        Its the MoYe copypasta but changed to Alouette from Shadowverse.

        if MY girl👸🥰😍 and Alouette 🤑🤩 are both drowning 💦😫🌊 and i can only save one 😔☝️1️⃣ you can catch me at my girl’s funeral 😿☠️⚰️ adding Gears to my hand 🤣🥞📚 ⛑️ and summoning artifacts 💥 TO FUSE INTO MASTERWORK 🥷🙈 AND DEAL 13 TO FACE❗️❗️

        Runecraft

          Written by u/Mashiruko, its the Drident copypasta from YuGiOh but changed to Runecraft class in Shadowverse. 

          All I ever know what to do anymore is spellboost, it's all I can do. I don't get what swordcraft players are thinking. The other day I summoned Anne&Grea and normal evolved it. Everything has become spellboost to me. There are no other monsters, no spells other than sagelight teachings. The only combo I know is cocytus into dimensional climb. Ocassionally I super evolve Kuon, and I cry a little. I attack the enemy leader for 4 damage. It has become a somewhat of a joke. Anne on turn 5, Kuon on turn 7, I play dimensional climb on turn 9 because I don't have cocytus. I didn't draw an extra Kuon, It's so over. I play seraphic tidings to draw 2 more cards, I play 2 sagelights to heal myself for 8 HP. Opponent plays orchis and puts me at 2 HP and I draw cocytus next turn without dimensional climb. I can't go anywhere without getting a brick hand. I went to feed my dog the other night, but instead of eating it said fanfare: Summon a Mimi, Right Paw Hellhound and Coco, Left Paw Hellhound. Necromancy (6) - Give all other allied followers on the field +2/+0. I had to put her down. I sit in my guild hall counting the days, the days we shall see sweet release from this torment, the day where we're able to spellboost without a care in the world without being reduced to 10 hp at turn 5. Those days are false hopes. I haven seen god, and I have seen the devil, but they are one and the same. I stared into the abyss and screamed, and it screamed back: Enhance (9): Deal 3 damage to all enemy followers. Give this follower "Can attack 2 times per turn." Storm

          Polyjuice potion

            Potter, a moment of your time, please.

Someone has been stealing ingredients that could be used to make polyjuice potions.

I know, I know. "It wasn't me professor, I would never transform into a girl and masturbate to find out how it feels", I've heard this little song and dance before.

When I was your age I was the same. Did I ever tell you I stole your mother's hair regularly? I became quite adept at stealth and potions for this precise reason. To transform into your mother and pleasure myself.

There is this mirror... or there was, at any rate, I can't seem to find it anymore, that showed you your fondest wish. I would transform into your mother, look into that mirror and watch myself make love to her while your father watched, helpless to change anything

Those were the best orgasms of my life, Potter. One day things went wrong,

Before I could find my way to a safe spot, your father found me, and thinking me Lily proceeded to fondle me

It felt good, Potter. Forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest

You know that polyjuice potion doesn't change your voice, of course. Yet James Potter never suspected a thing when I didn't speak. He smiled and said I was learning.

Oh I learned alright. I learned never to touch polyjuice potion again. Not because I feared such a thing would happen again, but because I feared I would want it to. That I'd seek it out.

Polyjuice potion and it's ingredients are restricted for a reason, Potter. The very recipe is not available to students.

Keep that in mind, won't you?

            I use Arch, by the way.

              Its a circlejerk on Arch Linux users who have a reputation of being a pretentious jerk online.

              Oh, you're using Windows? That's... unfortunate. I mean, I guess it’s fine for people who don’t really care about controlling their system. And macOS? Bro, you literally paid for UNIX with a pretty UI slapped on it. But hey, I’m sure you really needed those rounded corners and animations. But me? I use Arch, by the way. Yeah, it’s a bit more sophisticated, something you probably wouldn’t understand unless you’ve experienced it.

See, I don’t need a polished GUI or some bloated OS holding my hand through every step of my computing experience. I built my OS from the ground up. I compiled my kernel, optimized every single setting, and customized every aspect of my system. While you’re sitting there with your default settings, I’m in the terminal, living the dream. Arch is freedom, by the way.

I don't expect you to get it. I mean, you probably just double-click apps and call it a day, right? Meanwhile, I'm using Pacman and the AUR, managing my packages like a real power user. Updates? Yeah, they roll in seamlessly. No need to reinstall my OS every six months like those other plebs. Did I mention I use Arch, by the way?

When you’re ready to stop living in the kiddie pool of OSes and step up to the big leagues, maybe you’ll try Arch. Though, let’s be real, it’s probably too advanced for you. But hey, you do you. I'll just be here in my perfectly configured Arch system, reminding you that I use Arch, by the way.