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Own an AX Corsair for space defense

    Its the ‘Own a musket for home defense‘ copypasta but changed to the AX Corsair spaceship from Elite Dangerous.

    Own an AX Corsair for space defense, since that's what the Pilots Federation intended. Four thargoids break into my system. "What the Bloom?" as I grab my gold livery and plasma charger. Blow an SRV sized hole through the first bug, he's dead on the spot. Draw my AX Missile on the second bug, miss him entirely because it's dumbfire and nails my wingman's SLF. I have to resort to the shard cannon mounted at the top of my ship loaded with premium synthesized munitions, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two bugs in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off system security. Full engine pips and charge the last terrified bugger. He bleeds out waiting on the Titan to arrive since triangular Corsair wounds are impossible to regen. Just as the Pilots Federation intended.

    You see me at a bar. We flirt. I invite you home. You eagerly accept.

      source
      You see me at a bar. We flirt. I invite you home. You eagerly accept. We walk and the flirting gets heavier. I open the door. You can't wait to fuck. I leave you alone on the bed for a minute. I come back with lingerie. We make out and start to get naked. I ask you to reach out under the bed and take something from the box. You look down and take a lego piece and ask if that's right. That's right. Put it in. You sure, you ask? Yes, I say. Put it in. You do, hesitantly. Again. Again? Yes, take another. Again. You do, unsure if you want to stay. Again. Again. Again. You sweat. You start to get worried. It's too late to be weirded out now. You wonder if you can escape before the next one. You can't. Again. Again. More and more. The box is getting empty. Again. You put the final piece in. I moan loudly and you hear everything, somehow, shuffling around. You can't even move at this point. You're too exhausted. I push a little and a lego millennium falcon falls out of me, perfectly assembled. Somehow, that's still the best sexual experience of your life.

      Ma’am, that is an eleven pound whole slab of deli ham. It has no bones, fat, or connective tissue.

        AKA “Is That Ham Processed?” or Ham meme started in Facebook back in 2021 before getting shared on Tiktok and Youtube with voice-overs . 

        Ma'am, that is an eleven pound whole slab of deli ham. It has no bones, fat, or connective tissue. It is an amalgamation of the meat of several pigs, emulsified, liquefied, strained, and ultimately inexorably joined in an unholy meat obelisk. God had no hand in the creation of this abhorrence. The fact that this ham monolith exists proves that God is either impotent to alter His universe or ignorant to the horrors taking place in his kingdom. This prism of pork is more than deli meat. It is a physical declaration of mankind's contempt for the natural order. It is hubris manifest. We also have a lower sodium variety if you would prefer that.
        "is that ham processed? If it's processed I don't want it"

        I told a Girl I play Seele in Honkai Star Rail

          By u/FurinaFootWorshiper, its a reference to the “I play DoT teams” copypasta from Honkai Star Rail but changed to the original mono quantum archetype that has fallen out of the meta. 

          Recently, I talked to a girl about HSR at a posh restaurant, it did not go well.

She straight up asked me:

"Hey, which team do you play the most?"

Upon hearing this question, my heart tightened, I began to have an intense panic attack and almost choked. So I gave my response:

"Y'know, the one that got good recently?"

I could see it in her eyes, a small flash of excitement.

"Oh? Hypercarry Phainon? I love Phainon."

I immediately tried to explain.
"N-no-"

"Then Castorice? "

"Sorry, I-"

"Mydei, Anaxa or Aglaea? They are not bad."

"Also no..."

"THerta? She struggles in ST scenarios but she is still the queen of pure fiction. Also Madame Herta is a peerless gem!"

"Uh yeah, Madame Herta is a peerless gem."

At this point, my head was already buried in my chest, a girl who considers Madame Herta as a peerless gem is also a peerless gem, she seemed like someone who might also accept my certain enthusiasms with Furina. I dared not even lift my head up, I was already sweating bullets, and the atmosphere was so awkward my twitching feet could almost penetrate a hole through the marble flooring.

"So you don't play Herta too, then let me guess, you play superbreak? Then I'd agree it's pretty hard to say that so openly." Her expression was already that of astonishment.

In this day and age, those who would play superbreak are few in number. Either they still cling to old hopes and sometimes OD on copium, or they are deranged in the mind. 'Just pull for E2 and you'd be fine' they say, quite a pitiful bunch. I felt her empathetic gaze on my neck, it shook me intensely like the the time I got the pink haired hp scaling girl whose kit revolves around losing her hp (Fu Xuan) when pulling for Evernight. I felt my face fluster, my breath get heavy, and my head dazed. I tried my damned hardest to calm my quivering legs and clenched my teeth to say the words I was about to say next. This took the last of my strength:

"Not that either!"

These words were wilted when they came out of my mouth, it's no more audible than a needle falling to a dancefloor. Though, I promise this was the loudest that I could speak at that time. I looked up. her expression changed completely. There was a brief moment of dreadful silence.

"Then.... what team do you play? DoT? Feixiao? Saber?...Yunli? Acheron? I thought the game only had these teams?"

Every single word she spoke struck me like hammers nailing down the last few pegs of the coffin to my weak heart. I was awestruck, my soul rended apart by the sharpness of her words. Then, I could hold it in no more. Along with my words, a few strong-willed yet aggrieved tears rolled out of the corner of my eye.

"Mono quantum, I play mono quantum."

I could see the girl regaining the flash of excitement in her eyes, as she said "Oh! how could I forget about Archer, nice choice. He also has the highest DPS scaling in ST and despite the AoE shilling, he could still bruteforce Lygus."

"...Seele"

When I said that word, the discussions around us stopped, leaving me to wallop in the silence between my occasional sniffles. Feeling the pitiful gaze from passersby around me, I felt like an orphan dragging their disabled body to beg for spare change on the streets of Belobog. I held my face in my hands, I was too embarrassed to let anyone see my miserable state.

She turned to leave. At this point, tears already washed my face, I was on the floor, my two arms gripped on her ankles, and didn't dare let go. I was a clown to the people around me. The last words that I let out that day before being dragged out by the security and falling into unconsciousness were spoken at that very moment.

"So what my damage is low? It's not like she is unplayable! A girl once left my friend for liking DoTs but the devs buffed Kafka! Seele could still 0 cycle Lygus at E0S1! Just wait until the devs buff my 0 cycling queen again and make her the new top 1 DPS!"

          I got banned from events, and here’s how it went down. I did nothing wrong, man! I did nothing wrong whatsoever! I got banned!

            It’s from a Yu-Gi-Oh player “Trif Gaming” who got banned because he was deliberately abusing time rules for wins. He made the video as a joke(?) and it became a copypasta.

            Yo! I got banned from events, and here's how it went down. I did nothing wrong, man! I did nothing wrong whatsoever! I got banned! I didn't even KNOW I got banned! I didn't get no email, I didn't get no explanation, I didn't get no chance to explain myself. I just got banned. I got a message from Doug Zeeff, that I got banned from Konami. Konami doesn't even message me and tell me I'm banned. So I got banned from my old video I made, Where I jokingly made a video- I jokingly, JOKINGLY, told, the world, that, I stalled for time. I DIDN'T STALL FOR TIME! Anyone with a BRAIN, would realize it was a JOKE! It was a joke, that was- it was a good joke at the time! The new time rules were going on, "Oh, Ha Ha Cowboy for Game". It's a JOKE! It's just like Firewall Pass. It's a JOKE!

            Scrum Master Navy Seal copypasta

              Scrum Master
              byu/Tino_Kort incopypasta

              Written by u/Tino_Kort, its the Navy Seal copypasta but changed to Scrum Master context.

              What the in the name of Atlassian did you just fucking say about me, you little Trello boy? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class at the University of Scrum Masters, and I've been involved in numerous secret boards within the SCEE, and I have over 300 confirmed sprints. I am trained in agile software development and I'm the top scrum master in the entire tech market. You are nothing to me but just another bottleneck. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this planet, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, Trello baby. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of scrum masters across the entire flat earth and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the stand-up meetings, backlog bumpkin. The stand-up meetings that wipe out the pathetic little thing you call your project. You're fucking un-committed to github, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my post-it notes and passive aggressive emails. Not only am I extensively trained in technical debt, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Activision-Blizzard and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face off JIRA, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price of daily 9 AM standup meetings, you goddamn idiot. I will shit burndown charts all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking shelved, kiddo.