Octopuses do not have any bones with the exception of their beaks, so if you are responsible and depraved enough to be literally the life support of your 8 limbed friend, you can debeak it like how you'd declaw a cat and then push your member into it's
You can then let it subsist on your baby batter
The Octopus is smart. Very smart. It will learn that without it's beak, it cannot feed on anything else but your human seed that has to be milked from you.
Every morning, you will feel your clothes slide off and
a damp weight on your lower half.
The sensation creeps up your body until most of the jiggly mass has enveloped the entire length. It will start pumping as fast as it can for it is hungry.
The animal gyrates its empty stomach and the folds of its brain rubbing on your glans, begging for nutrition.
You climax and give the marine creature's breakfast. The pumping slows down but doesn't stop to milk out the last few drops of its meal.
Looking into its yellow animal eyes, it looks back with a thousand-yard stare. This will be routine for all of its meals for the rest of it's 3-5 years on this god forsaken planet.
The other day I decided to visit the local movie theater. Other than being a connoisseur of film, I visited the locale theater due to the fact they were screening a personal favorite of mine. Pixar’s Cars 2. There aren’t much words needed to describe the absolute masterpiece of the film so I’ll continue my story. I made sure to park my bright and shining golden brown Toyota Prius right in the front of the parking lot, so the masses could bask in its glorious light. I made sure to bring my own snacks of course, my free thinking mind had already broken the chains called capitalism a long time ago. I smirked as I saw the ignorant cretins buy the overpriced and disgusting popcorn, and pitied them. After all, with my IQ, everybody is basically a monkey. The movie had been out for quite some time so I had the theater to myself. Or so I thought. Right when I had my premium Ass Warmer Ultra tm. With ass scratching capabilities and began feasting on the glorious food called canned baked beans a group of youths of African American descent entered the theater. I froze for a second, as I had planned on being alone but I could adjust my plans. I decided to continue with my movie experience. After all, the beautiful face of Mater could surely distract me from their hooliganism. We were at the best part, a truly masterful comedic technique used in the movie. Where Mater mistakes the ethnic Japanese food “Wasabi” for “Pistachio” flavored ice cream. This is quite comedic due to them looking very similar but have quite different tastes. I allowed myself to chuckle at this execution before realizing one of the youths was staring at me. I ignored him and began using my can opener to partake in the act of baked bean eating. Then I heard him about. “YO THIS NIBBA EATING BAKED BEANS WHILE WATCHING CARS 2”
The year is 1982. I am spy, engaged in Cold War operations. On each side of my mouth there is a fake molar. On the right side, cyanide. On the left, estrogen. I have done my research. The target I’m here to seduce is a straight guy. As I approach, I twist my jaw, cracking the left molar. Instantly, my body forms a pair of massive tits. I greet my target, making intense eye contact. He is immediately lovestruck. After the conference we retreat to his hotel room. As he pins me against the wall, I see the conflict in his eyes. He know I’m a spy, and yet he can’t help himself. Later, as he lies asleep next to me, I slip out of bed, and pad across the floor to his suitcase. Rifling through its contents I discovered a secret compartment, which I slide open. There. The documents. Suddenly, the click of a pistol hammer being cocked back, and the cold of a gun barrel to the back of my head. He’s got me. Right molar. Crack. I await the cyanide, but it never comes. Instead, a second dose of estrogen shoots through my body. My tits expand to gargantuan proportions, before exploding. We are both killed in the blast.
I was watching Phineas and Ferb last night and in this one episode everyone’s hyped up about having a steak cookout but the villain steals all the steaks in the city and anyway at the end his plan gets foiled and it starts raining steaks and everyone’s celebrating and whatever but I just got this pit at the bottom of my stomach, like damn this shit really changes your entire outlook on life… I was just trying to enjoy a cartoon but here I am thinking about all the fictional cows that died and the implications of promoting meat on kids tv while also having main characters that are animals and how no one else sees that issue 😭
I am male if it matters. I've always been into putting things in my ass I don't know why, I'm not gay or anything I just like how it feels. Well I got drunk last night and decided to play with my ass and I hadn't gone shopping so I was out of carrots and cucumbers so I looked around and I saw my Buzz Lightyear action figure and thought "why not?" I've put action figures up there before because they feel different and it's funny. I grabbed Buzz, lubed him up and put him up against my asshole and started sliding him in. "To infinity and beyond!" I moaned as Buzz entered me.
The only problem is that he has those wings that expand and so they popped open nearly splitting me in half and now he's stuck in there and I can't get him out. I know I need to go to the emergency room but honestly I'm scared and ashamed. I've managed to hide it from my wife so far but I think she's getting suspicious and can tell something is wrong. I'm going to try to sneak to the ER later and hopefully get it taken care of without her finding out.
