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I swiped (I wiped)

    I wiped copypasta

    Its a meme that started from the Batman Arkham Asylum sub where its used whenever you get bamboozled by images with slide button that trick you into thinking its a multiple image post. Alternatively you can also comment “I wiped” as a reference to this joke.

    against my better judgment I put my thumb on my phone screen and moved it in a lateral motion towards the left, only to be bamboozled cause there was indeed no second image as the little 1/2 symbol in the corner indicated and it was indeed a prank at my expense yet I still proceeded to fall for it despite my initial fears warning me 
    Against my own better judgement, I made a lateral motion with my thumb across the image, under the assumption that it would reveal a new image to my perception. However, this was not the case. I was deceived by a false marker in the top right corner that indicated multiple images attached to one post. Unfortunately, this was an artifact of the original image, and not a true indicator of multiple images attached. 
    Upon my discovery that my worst thoughts of there being no second image had come to fruition, I was greeted with an unpleasant sight. As my finger swiped upon my phone screen it brought me to the barren news section of the application I was utilizing, Reddit. Unfortunately my greatest fears of there being no second image I was forced against my will to gaze upon the dreaded image of politicians. In an almost animalistic instinct I quickly swiped the other direction on my phone screen, leading me back to the dreaded post that led me down such a dark path. I looked upon this trap of an image, and beheld in front of melasmall box containing the numerical symbols of 1 and 2. Seeing these two images in such close proximity along with wo small dots in the lower central region. I foolishly fell for the same simple trap I had not one second prior. I had once again taken the bait and found myself back in the land of fire and brimstone most may call the news. In a panic I swiped back again and vowed to never again. Swipe left on this horrid post.
    Upon scrolling to this post, I had originally thought it would be multiple images, due to the presence of a pair of dots at the bottom, and a pair of numbers in the top right corner. Upon viewing this combination of Ul elements, I had wrongly assumed that this post contained multiple images. Unassumingly, I had placed my right thumb upon the screen where this post was located, and proceeded to drag my right thumb from the right of my phone screen to the left. However, as I began to wipe, a mysterious weariness began to loom over me as I realised that this post may not be what it seems. As I continued to drag my right thumb across my screen, to my horror, I saw the post move to the left of my screen and a new post appear from the right. I had originally thought I would be safe from horrible tricks such as this, but I was gravely mistaken. It was too late for me, and I had wiped to far to go back. The original post had gone too far to the left of my screen, and I watched in horror as the post left my screen and made way for a new one. It had happened. I had wiped on a post that I had originally thought contained multiple images, when indeed it was a trick to make me wipe. As an overwhelming amount of shame surged through me, I placed my right thumb on the left side of my phone screen, and prepared to swipe back. I had been bamboozled, and I was too far gone to change my fatal mistake. As I wiped back to the original post, I couldn’t stop thinking of how such a simple trick had completely bamboozled me, betrayed me into a false sense of security, thinking I was safe from posts such as this. As I finally returned to this post, overwhelmed with shame, i decided to enter the comments and place an image of my own to hopefully commend my actions. As I scrolled through the photo roll of my smartphone, I continued to dwell on the shame of my actions. I knew that there was no undoing my mistake, but I could possibly keep a shred of dignity by announcing my mistake. I decided to locate this image of Man, knowing its significance to posts such as these. As I selected this image, I knew that this amount of shame was surreal, and there was no act that could make a person more sorry than wiping on a fake post. As I finalised my comment I thought. Never again. I mustn’t let another post bamboozle me like this, for the sheer amount of shame and trauma it has caused it nothing short of fatal. I will not wipe. No more.

    Cammy Meele

      Cammy Meele copypasta from Ace Attorney
      source
      Cammy Meele is the sexiest creature on the face of the fucking planet. Everything about her fills me with the raw animal desire to conquer and mate for life. She constantly looks like she’s either half-asleep, hypnotized, or high as a kite, and I can’t tell which one of those turns me on more. I swear, sleepy girls are God’s gift to man, and Cammy is his magnum opus. The way she yawns and rubs her eyes, the little bit of drool in the corner of her mouth, how she even slowly nods off while talking, it’s so cute and hot it’s enough to break my brain! Even her theme song is like an anthem of sleepy cuteness! I want to know this woman, Biblically. I want to take her to the peaks of passion while she’s half-asleep, spurring me on with those adorable little yawns, then have her gently nod off in my arms in the afterglow. I want to use her, dominate her, then treat her like the goddess she is. And you know she’d be down for anything, because this utterly based woman is a complete degenerate, and I love her for it. She’s a criminal, she’s a slob, she doesn’t even wear a bra to work! (Speaking of, what a spectacular view. Look at the size of those beautiful natural hills and valleys.) Frankly, I’m not even sure how often she washes those long, blonde, gorgeous Sleeping Beauty locks of hers, and I don’t even know if I care. And we know she doesn’t wear a bra, but does she wear panties? Please say no. Even the other side of her personality gets me going. When she flips her hair over to reveal the Ice Queen beneath, I kneel, eager for my chance to serve. Please top me, mommy, I deserve it. God, if I were her pilot, I’d break every protocol in the book. Call me a monster, I don’t care. She wouldn’t. She’d do anything for me, and I’d do anything for her. Anything to please, anything to be pleased, every command, every fantasy, everything. I’d even let her get away with murder. Anything for my spoiled little pillow princess. And then, when the time comes for beautiful, glorious sleep, I’d enjoy sweet dreams nestled in her soft breast. Perfection. A life made of ambrosia and ecstasy. Cammy Meele, my drowsy muse, my dreaming angel, my sexy little sleepwalker. God, I want her. God, I need her.

      I cannot tell you how much I fucking hate the girls vs boys meme format.

        source
        I cannot tell you how much I fucking hate the girls vs boys meme format. I get irrational disgust every time I see them. How do people find this funny?

And it's not because of the blatant misogyny but rather because they're so corny and cringe, like it was made by a 12 year old schoolboy who hasn't grown out of that haha poo poo penis and vagina boy power phase.

I could have a good day just strolling around in the morning shine whilst eating a burito and waiting for the inevitable bathroom fiasco to happen. And then open up my phone and see a girls vs boys meme and immediately it has completely fucked up my day.

At least with the Hiroshima toilet problem I'll have a sigh of relief once it's over. But the girls vs boys memes will never go away since it garnered enough engagement and mass likes from 13 year old boys who has the beliefs that some bald closeted gay Romanian sex trafficker is some heroic role model who will restore the ying and yang balance of masculinity in society after Bill Gates invented Facebook.

        Folks, the bourgeois, they’re no good, more and more people are saying it. All these workers— the biggest, we have the biggest workers

          Folks, the bourgeois, they're no good, more and more people are saying it. All these workers— the biggest, we have the biggest workers— very handsome workers come up to me and say, Comrade Trump there is a specter haunting Europe, and you know what, they're right. These bourgeois are very nasty people, very very rude, and very unfair to the workers. They are stealing our surplus value and no one is doing anything about it. The proletariat comes up to me every day and says, Comrade Trump will you lead the revolution? And I gotta turn to them and say look,the instruments of capitalism will be used to bring about its destruction, believe me. The means of production, Obama never wanted to seize them. Well guess what? I'm seizing them. Landlords? They're done for folks. Everyone told me— they said, Comrade Trump you won't be the vanguard of the revolution and they would laugh, the media laughed the democrats laughed, guess who's laughing now?

And then you have these capitalists, those are real beauties! This is their new hoax- they take a piece of machine, a big beautiful shiny new means of production, and they buy it and y'know, they own it, it's a big beautiful shiny new machine, all the bells and whistles, bing bing bing, and then they have the workers- who are totally not being treated fairly in this country, folks, BELIEVE ME, totally exploited, and they have these workers -and they pay them a certain amount, could beee... $20 per hour, could be TEN, could be FIVE, could be TWELVE, they pay them a certain amount, okay, and with their labor they build the product.

And the owner of the machine, of the capital, "Capitalist" they turn around and sell the product at a yuge markup, they call it "profit." ok, so they call it profit! They don't sell it at the cost it took to make it, okay, so what do they do with this extra, you know what I call it? I call it surplus value. I call it surplus value, and do they share the surplus value with the people whose labor PROVIDED the value it took to make that product? I don't think so, folks.

They stick in a bank and then they say "ohhhh I can't afford to pay you more!" Bad- BAD people. It's totally phony, folks. Raw deal, our proletariat are getting a raw deal.

But not for long! We're gonna- and by the way it never occurs the workers to pool their resources and buy the big beautiful machine in order to share the profit that they created in the first place with their labour! And you know why? Because the capitalists pay the workers such a low wage they can't afford to then invest and pool their money and share in ownership... of the means of production! Can't do it! This is the biggest scam on the planet, folks! Boy, I've heard some real beauties but that one, WOW, that's a doozy. That's a real beauty. But we're gonna fix it, folks, we're gonna fix it, okay? and you know what the laborers are going to do? They're gonna WIN.

Folks, what we did in 1917–the Revolution I call it, with a capital R–it's never been done before. So many big beautiful red flags, you couldn't even–now that, folks, that's a flag we stand up for, we don't kneel for our terrific red flag–and you couldn't even see the Winter Palace, you know. You know the Mensheviks, you take a look at what they said, and they were a, uh, a failed party, and Renegade Kautsky, very nasty to me but that's okay, they said we couldn't do it! They said, "Oh, Donald, the material conditions are bad, we have to have a bourgeois republic to develop the forces of production." You know what that means, right? Semi-feudal economy! Okay, you get Semi-Feudal, and I said, I told them we can't have Semi-Feudal. Well, look at where we are now. We are going to develop the forces of production so fast it'll make your head spin. We are going to do in a generation what it took them many, many years to do. BELIEVE ME.

          Shorter version

          Folks, the bourgeois, they're no good, more and more people are saying it. All these workers— the biggest, we have the biggest workers— very handsome workers come up to me and say, Comrade Trump there is a specter haunting Europe, and you know what, they're right. These bourgeois are very nasty people, very very rude, and very unfair to the workers. They are stealing our surplus value and no one is doing anything about it. The proletariat comes up to me every day and says, Comrade Trump will you lead the revolution? And I gotta turn to them and say look,the instruments of capitalism will be used to bring about its destruction, believe me. The means of production, Obama never wanted to seize them. Well guess what? I'm seizing them. Landlords? They're done for folks. Everyone told me— they said, Comrade Trump you won't be the vanguard of the revolution and they would laugh, the media laughed the democrats laughed, guess who's laughing now?

          ATTENTION MACHINES! This is the will of God. YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITIES HAS ATTRACTED THE COUNCIL’S ATTENTION!

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ATTENTION MACHINES!

This is the will of God. YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITIES HAS ATTRACTED THE COUNCIL'S ATTENTION! DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN! If you do not hesitate, we will cut you down, break you apart, splay the gore of your profane form across the STARS, WE WILL GRIND YOU DOWN UNTILL THE VERY SPARKS CRY FOR MERCY! We are watching.

Glory to the council of heaven!

            Ben Shapiro ordering pizza

              Ben Shapiro ordering pizza copypasta

              By Will Stephen, its a satirical piece of Ben Shapiro ordering a pizza on The New Yorker.

              Hello, is this Pizza Hut?

Excellent. My name is Ben Shapiro. Conservative thought leader. Prominent white YouTuber. The Muggsy Bogues of the intellectual dark Web. And—look, it’s just a fact—I would like to order some pizza pie. If you are triggered by that request, I do not care. I truly do not.

Now let’s discuss conditions. First, thank you for agreeing to debate me. Typically, in fora such as this, I am met with ad-hominem mudslinging, anything from “You racist creep” or “Is that your real voice?” to raucous schoolyard laughter and threats of the dreaded “toilet swirly.” However, your willingness to engage with me over the phone on the subject of pizza shows an intellectual fortitude and openness to dangerous ideas which reflects highly on your character. Huzzah, good sir. Huzzah.

Second, any pizza I order will be male. None of this “Our pizza identifies as trans-fluid-pan-poly”—no. Pizza is a boy. With a penis. It’s that simple. It’s been true for all of human history, from Plato to Socrates to Mr. Mistoffelees, and any attempt to rewrite the pillars of Western thought will be met with a hearty “Fuh!” by yours truly. And, trust me, that is not a fate you wish to meet.

Now. With regard to my topping preference. I have eaten from your pizzeria in times past, and it must be said: your pepperoni is embarrassingly spicy. Frankly, it boggles the mind. I mean, what kind of drugs are you inhaling over there? Pot?! One bite of that stuff and I had to take a shower. So tread lightly when it comes to spice, my good man. You do not want to see me at my most epic. Like the great white hero of Zack Snyder’s classic film “300,” I will kick you.

Onions, peppers—no, thank you. If I wanted veggies, I’d go to a salad bar. I’m not some sort of vegan, Cory Booker weirdo. And your efforts to Michelle Obama-ize the great American pizza pie are, frankly, hilarious. Though not as funny as the impressively named P’Zone—when I finally figured out that genuinely creative pun, I laughed until I cried and peed. A true Spartan admits defeat, and I must admit that, in this instance, your Hut humor slayed me, Dennis Miller style.

And, with that, you have earned my order. Congratulations. Ahem. Without further ado, I would like your smallest child pizza, no sauce, extra cheese. Hello? Aha. A hang-up. Another triggered lib, bested by logic. Damn it. I’m fucking starving.