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Last quarter I rolled out Microsoft Copilot to 4,000 employees. I called it “digital transformation.”

    Last quarter I rolled out Microsoft Copilot to 4,000 employees.

$30 per seat per month.

$1.4 million annually.

I called it "digital transformation."

The board loved that phrase.

They approved it in eleven minutes.

No one asked what it would actually do.

Including me.

I told everyone it would "10x productivity."

That's not a real number.

But it sounds like one.

HR asked how we'd measure the 10x.

I said we'd "leverage analytics dashboards."

They stopped asking.

Three months later I checked the usage reports.

47 people had opened it.

12 had used it more than once.

One of them was me.

I used it to summarize an email I could have read in 30 seconds.

It took 45 seconds.

Plus the time it took to fix the hallucinations.

But I called it a "pilot success."

Success means the pilot didn't visibly fail.

The CFO asked about ROI.

I showed him a graph.

The graph went up and to the right.

It measured "AI enablement."

I made that metric up.

He nodded approvingly.

We're "AI-enabled" now.

I don't know what that means.

But it's in our investor deck.

A senior developer asked why we didn't use Claude or ChatGPT.

I said we needed "enterprise-grade security."

He asked what that meant.

I said "compliance."

He asked which compliance.

I said "all of them."

He looked skeptical.

I scheduled him for a "career development conversation."

He stopped asking questions.

Microsoft sent a case study team.

They wanted to feature us as a success story.

I told them we "saved 40,000 hours."

I calculated that number by multiplying employees by a number I made up.

They didn't verify it.

They never do.

Now we're on Microsoft's website.

"Global enterprise achieves 40,000 hours of productivity gains with Copilot."

The CEO shared it on LinkedIn.

He got 3,000 likes.

He's never used Copilot.

None of the executives have.

We have an exemption.

"Strategic focus requires minimal digital distraction."

I wrote that policy.

The licenses renew next month.

I'm requesting an expansion.

5,000 more seats.

We haven't used the first 4,000.

But this time we'll "drive adoption."

Adoption means mandatory training.

Training means a 45-minute webinar no one watches.

But completion will be tracked.

Completion is a metric.

Metrics go in dashboards.

Dashboards go in board presentations.

Board presentations get me promoted.

I'll be SVP by Q3.

I still don't know what Copilot does.

But I know what it's for.

It's for showing we're "investing in AI."

Investment means spending.

Spending means commitment.

Commitment means we're serious about the future.

The future is whatever I say it is.

As long as the graph goes up and to the right.

    Encore, Melania. Encore.

      A moving and sincere watch courtesy of Amazon and the Trump estate.

Myself and many in the audience got up off our seats to applaud at the end. A first for me. A triumphant eye opening account into the emotional and sentimental aspects of the First Lady's trials and hardships.

Encore, Melania. Encore.

      The Melania Movie

      I am settling in for a showing of ‘Melania’ and the theater is PACKED!

Earlier, a bystander asked if I was heading in to see Avatar, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Avatar? No, son,” I curtly replied. “I don’t watch woke movies. I’m here to see the groundbreaking documentary about our incredibly talented First Lady.”

The man’s two little girls began jumping up and down, pulling on his sleeve, and begging, “Daddy, we want to see Melania!”

“But. But…” he stammered, “I thought you girls wanted to see Zootopia 2?”

“No, no, NO,” they said, now nearly shouting. “We want to see Melania!! She is the most beautiful First Lady EVER.”

Their father was scrambling, stressed out, and disoriented.

“Girls, I’m afraid you aren’t the only ones who are captivated by President Trump and his beautiful wife,” I said, kneeling to get on their level. “Virtually everyone in this theater is here for the 7:30 PM showing, and it’s been sold out for days.”

Tears began to well up in their eyes.

“But…” I said in a hushed tone, “I happen to have a few extra tickets with me, and I’d like you and your dad to have them.”

They jumped for joy and began hugging their father. He looked relieved as he wiped the sweat off his brow with a smile.

I handed him the tickets and pulled him close. “Raise these girls right,” I whispered. “Teach them to be classy conservative women of faith like Melania, don’t let them become like Meghan Markle. Capisce?”

He hugged me and thanked me profusely. “What are you going to do now?” He asked. 

“Don’t worry about me, son,” I told him, with a twinkle in my eye. “I’ve already got tickets to the next showing.”

      To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Block Tales.

        By u/Starguy2, its the Rick and Morty copypasta but changed to a Roblox game, Block Tales.

        To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Block Tales. The humor is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of Old School Roblox and Philosophy, most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Terry's ego-centric and sociopathic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation - his personal philosophy draws heavily from Max Stirner, for instance.

The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realize that they're not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Block Tales truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humor in Terry's catchphrase "I'LL KILL YOU," which itself is a cryptic reference to his crippling fear of becoming close to others. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Space Moonbase's genius unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools... how I pity them. 😂

And yes by the way, I DO have a Griefer tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- And even they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.

        I keep stroking it to Omni man’s cheeks, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.

          I keep stroking it to Omni man's cheeks, and I don't think I'll ever stop. It all started a few weeks ago when invincible season three's finale came out. I kept hearing this song over and over in my feed, and heard a voice calling to me. It was Nolan. I tried to ignore him, but around the 57th time of hearing this song, I finally gave in. I pulled down my pants and started marking my Grayson. Atoming my eve. It was the best sensation I've ever felt. I can't stop Ceciling my Steadman to Omni man's big bubbly delight, and I don't think I ever will. Does anyone else have this problem? Or is it just me?

          Donk’s mentality pulling Spirit to the bottom

            By u/ImpressiveAction2382, who posted this unironically about Donk in the CS sub before becoming a meme.

            Donk's mentality pulling Spirit to the bottom 

Is only me mentioned everyone in team Spirit looks like they just don't want to disappoint little boy in their team more than win something and it looks like team strategy? Even if you look at interview of new-old players they said how they have to support him because he can decide to leave. When he started in team Spirit they became best team for half of season and there wasn't such a big pressure. Now I see how mad is donk after his fails even in games they're winning and it fells like everyone including coach are scared to make mistake to not be under donk's negative aura, we could hear it in TeamSpeak in BD Major and how he behaved after loosing mirage(Zywoo would return as better version of him, donk returned tilted). Pressure in TS is very high, but this player makes it worse and worse for his teammates despite he's individually best player, he has to be responsible for his behavior and team results, if he wants to win tournaments as a team he has to fix his mentality. Can imagine TS with Zweih instead of Donk on his core roles could be better team without tilted star.

Simply worst problem of TS is returning to the game after any lose, sometimes it's impossible to comeback and if they lose few rounds in a row they gonna drop this map. And someone after clutch will say "I don't like what happens" and everyone falls silent instead praise the player who won the round

What do you think?

            Obligatory copypasta comment responding to the post

            Comment
            byu/ImpressiveAction2382 from discussion
            inGlobalOffensive
            The whole team walking on eggshells around one player is never gonna work long term, even if he's insane mechanically

Reminds me of donk's early days where the talent was undeniable but the mental side was holding everyone back
            It’s always the worst when your teammate who is doing very well dunks on you verbally. It’s such a mental distraction. If that person is really mad and tearing you apart, it can feel like you HAVE to consider what they’re saying and they can absolutely be wrong. Makes you second guess yourself.

At least that’s my experience. It never makes me play better to hear the clearly better gamer get upset. It’s why I always try to stay chipper and keep morale up. Helps way more than people give it credit for.

            m0NESY’s mentality pulling Falcons to the bottom

            Is only me mentioned everyone in​ Falcons​​​ looks like they just don't want to disappoint little boy in their team more than win something and it looks like team strategy? Even if you look at interview of new-old players they said how they have to support him because he can decide to leave. When he started in​ Falcons​​ they weren't great and there wasn't such a big pressure. Now I see how chill is m0NESY​​​​ after his fails even in games they're winning and it fells like everyone including coach are scared to make mistake to not be under m0NESY​​​'s negative aura, we could hear it in TeamSpeak in BD Major and how he behaved after loosing mirage(donk would return as better version of him, m0NESY​​​ returned chill and looking like he doesn't care). Pressure in Falcons​​​ is very high, but this player makes it worse and worse for his teammates despite he's individually best player, he has to be responsible for his behavior and team results, if he wants to win tournaments as a team he has to fix his mentality. Can imagine Falcons​​ with degster​ instead of ​m0NESY​​​​ on his core roles could be better team without a chill star who doesn't care.

Simply worst problem of Falcons​​ is returning to the game after any lose, sometimes it's impossible to comeback and if they lose few rounds in a row they gonna drop this map. And someone after clutch will say "I don't like what happens" and everyone falls silent instead praise the player who won the round

What do you think?

            S1mple’s mentality pulling BCGame to the bottom

            Is only me mentioned everyone in team BCGame looks like they just don't want to disappoint little boy in their team more than win something and it looks like team strategy? Even if you look at interview of new-old players they said how they have to support him because he can decide to leave. When he started in team BCGame they became best team for half of season and there wasn't such a big pressure. Now I see how mad is s1mple after his fails even in games they're winning and it fells like everyone including coach are scared to make mistake to not be under Simple's negative aura, we could hear it in TeamSpeak in IEM Krakow and how he behaved after loosing mirage(maka would return as better version of him, s1mple returned tilted). Pressure in BCGame is very high, but this player makes it worse and worse for his teammates despite he's individually best player, he has to be responsible for his behavior and team results, if he wants to win tournaments as a team he has to fix his mentality. Can imagine BCGame with donk instead of s1mple on his core roles could be better team without tilted star.

Simply worst problem of BCGame is returning to the game after any lose, sometimes it's impossible to comeback and if they lose few rounds in a row they gonna drop this map. And someone after clutch will say "I don't like what happens" and everyone falls silent instead praise the player who won the round

What do you think?