If I eated soap
If I eated soap. I dont eat it bc I did. No I didn't ❤️Mr. Beast blows up England
Today, I gathered 100,000 people and forced them to plant bombs all over England. Will Queen Elizabeth be evacuated before we detonate all of these bombs at once completely obliterating this hellhole disguised as a country? Also, we tied up Karl Jacobs to the top of Big Ben. But before we get started, lets hear a word from today's sponsor, Honey. Honey scans the internet for the best discount codes and automatically aplies them for you. With over 30,000 stores online. Honey has over 150,000 5 star reviews in the google chrome store and is also FREE! Now, back to the video.Got my girlfriend pregnant by holding hands
So, it's been a month since I started dating my crush. We hold hands every Sunday. But this time, I held her hand a bit more passionately and a week later she started having headaches and started puking. At first I thought she was just sick, but when it continued for a while, I started fearing the worst. I told her to get a pregnancy test. She took it and the result was positive. We were both shocked. I'm not ready to be a father. What do I do? I knew there was a risk of pregnancy when I held her hand, but I never expected it to happen. Don't hold hand, kidsLEAN 🟣
It's literally just cola you piece of shit. There's no cough syrup or anything. What the fuck is wrong with you. How fucking desperate are you to seem cool that you decide you want to force a "joke" about a child consuming drugs. Which would be funny except nothing in this scene implies that they're doing drugs or a drug stand-in. You just saw a can of soda and the two neurons in your head fired for the first time in a week, and you jumped into the comments to screech lEAn and spam purple emojis like a clown bastard. You people are the reason art is dying. Fuck youMy name is Patrick Bateman
I live in the American Gardens building on West 81st Street, on the 11th floor.
My name is Patrick Bateman.
I'm 27 years old.
I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine.
In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an icepack while doing my stomach crunches.
I can do a thousand now.
After I remove the icepack, I use a deep-pore cleanser lotion.
In the shower, I use a water-activated gel cleanser.
Then a honey-almond bodyscrub.
And on the face, an exfoliating gel-scrub.
Then I apply an herb mint facial masque,
which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine.
I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol,
because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older.
Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman.
Some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me.
Only an entity-- something illusory.
And though I can hide my cold gaze...
and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours...
and maybe you can even sense our life styles are probably comparable,
I simply am not there.today i fucked up badly. again. because of coke and mentos
The Buildup
I was drinking Pepsi and reading an article on how prostate stimulation intensifies orgasms. So, I had the genius idea of using coke to stimulate my ass. WCGW? I mean that the carbonation feels... good in my mouth, so It should work in my ass. As an engineer, there are many logistical challenges to bypass when trying to insert coke into one’s asshole.
Q: How do I put cola in my anus in the first place?
A: You use the rim of the bottle and stick it directly in the anus.
Q: How do I make sure that the coke stays there?
A: You don’t. That’s where I fucked up
Now, with a half-assed plan, I went to the store. As I was checking out, I saw a pack mentos. Time to bring this to level two. I put back the original coke and bought diet coke instead. All 2 liters of glory.
The disaster
20 mins later...
With three mentos in my ass, I gingerly lowered the rim to my rim and poured. The reaction was nearly instant. With the tidal force of a tsunami, the bottle was violently ejected from my ass. A pressure was building up, and the gates of hell opened. I felt Satan’s sugary fire burst from my asshole onto the bed. Holy shit, you would not realize the panic I had. There was a pain, both emotional and physical. The sugary wet fart, the sound of a thousand ass-trumpets creating a heavenly cacophony. I saw the light, I saw the dark. I felt The intense sting of carbonation, I experienced nothing and everything. I had found God, and he was punishing me. There was the maddening sensation of your asshole bending over itself, inside out, shrinking, expanding. It was worse than any experience ever. My brain still cannot comprehend the sensations, but they were torturous. I have contemplated what hell might feel like, and I know that I could find peace there. My bed was soaked with shit-coke. Lord, how am I to clean up.
Don't ever try what I did.
The aftermath
I learned a very valuable lesson that day. Don’t try anything insane. Avoid the asshole.
Also, TIL that the human asshole can stretch 8 centimeters without damage.
TL;DR: Stick to beating your meat, folks.