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This is a lighthouse. Your call.

    The lighthouse aka I'm a lighthouse copypasta

    The lighthouse joke/copypasta is a popular story between a self-entitled U.S. Navy aircraft carrier and a lighthouse. It has been proven to be fake by the Navy themselves and its a popular joke or tale dating all the way back to 1930s.

    ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
    
    Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
    
    Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
    
    Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
    
    Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
    
    Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
    
    Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call." 

    Porra infinita

      Its the Brazilian version of ‘Infinite Cum‘ copypasta.

      Porra infinita. Você se senta no vaso sanitário para se masturbar, mas começa a gozar incontrolavelmente. Depois de dez jorradas você começa a se preocupar. Sua mão está pegajosa e cheira a sêmen. Você enfia seu pau desesperadamente em um pedaço de papel higiênico, mas isso só faz suas bolas doerem. O esperma acelera. Já se passaram três minutos. Você não para de gozar. O chão do banheiro está coberto por uma fina camada de fluido de bebês. Você tenta gozar no ralo do chuveiro, mas ele enche muito rápido. Você tenta a privada. O esperma é muito grosso para dar descarga. Você tranca a porta do banheiro para evitar que o esperma escape. O ar fica quente e úmido com o esperma. O esperma acelera. Você escorrega e cai em seu próprio esperma. O esperma agora tem quinze centímetros de profundidade, quase tão longo quanto sua mangueira de sêmen ainda ereta. Esparramado de costas, você começa a gozar no teto. Gosmas do fluido branco pegajoso começam a cair como gotas de chuva, proporcionando uma gozada facial com seu próprio esperma. O esperma acelera. Você luta para ficar de pé enquanto a força do esperma começa a impulsioná-lo para trás, como se você estivesse num escorregador com o tema bukkake. Ainda de joelhos, o esperma agora está na altura do queixo. Para evitar afogamento você abre a porta do banheiro. O dilúvio de suco humano lembra a Grande Inundação de Melaço de 1919, só que com esperma em vez de melaço. O esperma acelera. Duas horas se passaram. Seus filhos e sua esposa gritam de terror enquanto seus corpos são engolfados pela lama branca como a neve. Seu filho mais novo afunda, com bolhas viscosas e gritos abafados saindo da gosma. Você implora a Deus para acabar com seu sofrimento. O esperma acelera. Você aperta seu pau para parar o esperma. Ele começa a vazar pelo seu cu. 

      PRESENCIEI UM CASAL MUITO ESTRANHO

        Its a spinoff of the original story ‘VI MINHA AMIGA TRANSANOD‘ following the POV of the bartender who witnessed the date.

        Trabalho como bartender e já vi de tudo, , madrugada é um circo que vocês não tem noção, , mas eu presenciei um encontro que nunca imaginei nem na minha pior embriaguez...
        
        Expediente começou normal, , um ou outro moleque pagando de bom querendo beber mais que monza tubarão, , menininha de faculdade que o pai acha que tá estudando aqui me dando mole pra ver se ganha drink de graça, , normal.
        
        Mas meu irmão, que merda foi aquela? Um maluco que parecia uma versão raquitica do moleque do ratatui senta numa mesa e pede duas cervejas porque tá esperando uma menina pra um encontro, ,beleza, ok,, passaram-se 20 minutos e chega uma menina com uma mochila estilo alpinista, daquelas que pegam as costas inteiras da pessoa e mais um pouco...
        
        MERMÃO, ,A MULHER ME TIRA UMA MENINA COTOCA DE DENTRO DA MOCHILA.
        
        Não era uma anã ou uma criança, , era uma mulher sem braço nem perna
        
        Não bastasse, não sei de onde caralhos, ela pede pro meu colega uma CADEIRINHA DE CRIANÇA, NUMA BAR?! E o desgraçado conseguiu
        
        Dai pro resto da noite não consegui mais prestar atenção em nada, um maluco estranho dando caipiroska na boca de uma mina sem membros enquanto a amiga mestre pokémon observava de perto,
        
        E o pior, eu acho que depois disso eles sairam pra um menage, porque o carro meteu a a cotoca no braço, levou ela e a amiga pro uninho e meteu bala
        
        que noite!

        I WITNESSED A VERY STRANGE COUPLE

        I work as a bartender and I've seen it all, the early morning is a circus you have no idea about, but I witnessed a meeting I never imagined even when I was drunk...
        
        The workday started out normal, with some kid pretending to be cool and wanting to drink more than Monza Tubarão, a college girl whose dad thinks she's studying here flirting with me to see if she can get a free drink, normal.
        
        But my brother, what the hell was that? A crazy guy who looked like a rickety version of the kid from Ratatouille sits at a table and orders two beers because he's waiting for a girl to go on a date, okay, ok, 20 minutes passed and a girl arrives with a mountaineering-style backpack, the kind that takes up the person's entire back and then some...
        
        BRUNETTE, THE WOMAN TAKES A GIRL OUT OF MY BACKPACK.
        
        It wasn't a dwarf or a child, it was a woman with no arms or legs
        
        As if that wasn't enough, I don't know where the fuck she came from, she asked my friend for a CHILD SEAT, IN A BAR?! And the bastard got it
        
        From then on, for the rest of the night, I couldn't pay attention to anything, a strange crazy guy giving caipiroska to a girl with no limbs while her friend, the Pokémon master, watched closely,
        
        And the worst part, I think after that they went out for a threesome, because the car hit her in the arm, took her and her friend to the club and started shooting
        
        What a night!

        I saw Frye from Deep Cut at a Mako Mart yesterday.

          Frye Onaga copypasta

          Parody of the Flying Lotus copypasta but changed into Frye from Splatoon.

          I saw Frye Onaga at a Mako Mart in Splatsville yesterday. I told her how fresh it was to meet her in person, but I didn’t want to be a stockfish and bother her and ask for photos or anything.
          She said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
          I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but she kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing her hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard her chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw Frye trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen frozen shwaffles in her arms without paying.
          The jellyfish at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Miss, you need to pay for those first.” At first she kept pretending to not understand jellyfish language, but eventually turned back around and brought the shwaffles to the counter.
          
          When they took one of the shwaffles and started scanning it multiple times, she stopped them and told them to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After they scanned each shwaffle and put them in a bag and started to say the price, she kept interrupting them by yawning really loudly.
          
          Did anyone else have such weird encounters with an idol?

          List of Republicans Who Voted Against FEMA Funding Before Helene Hit

            The list — only Republicans voted “no”:
            
            House
            
            Rep. James Baird of Indiana
            Rep. Troy Balderson of Ohio
            Rep. Jim Banks of Indiana
            Rep. Aaron Bean of Florida
            Rep. Andy Biggs of Arizona
            Rep. Gus Bilirakis of Florida
            Rep. Dan Bishop of North Carolina
            Rep. Lauren Boebert of Colorado
            Rep. Mike Bost of Illinois
            Rep. Josh Brecheen of Oklahoma
            Rep. Tim Burchett of Tennessee
            Rep. Eric Burlison of Missouri
            Rep. Kat Cammack of Florida
            Rep. Michael Cloud of Texas
            Rep. Andrew Clyde of Georgia
            Rep. Mike Collins of Georgia
            Rep. Eli Crane of Arizona
            Rep. John Curtis of Utah
            Rep. Warren Davidson of Ohio
            Rep. Byron Donalds of Florida
            Rep. Jeff Duncan of South Carolina
            Rep. Ron Estes of Kansas
            Rep. Mike Ezell of Mississippi
            Rep. Randy Feenstra of Iowa
            Rep. Brad Finstad of Minnesota
            Rep. Michelle Fischbach of Minnesota
            Rep. Russell Fry of South Carolina
            Rep. Russ Fulcher of Idaho
            Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida
            Rep. Tony Gonzales of Texas
            Rep. Bob Good of Virginia
            Rep. Lance Gooden of Texas
            Rep. Paul Gosar of Arizona
            Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia
            Rep. Morgan Griffith of Virginia
            Rep. Michael Guest of Mississippi
            Rep. Harriet Hageman of Wyoming
            Rep. Andy Harris of Maryland
            Rep. Clay Higgins of Louisiana
            Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio
            Rep. John Joyce of Pennsylvania
            Rep. Trent Kelly of Mississippi
            Rep. Darin LaHood of Illinois
            Rep. Laurel Lee of Florida
            Rep. Debbie Lesko of Arizona
            Rep. Greg Lopez of Colorado
            Rep. Anna Paulina Luna of Florida
            Rep. Morgan Lutrell of Texas
            Rep. Nancy Mace of South Carolina
            Rep. Tracey Mann of Kansas
            Rep. Thomas Massie of Kentucky
            Rep. Tom McClintock of California
            Rep. Rich McCormick of Georgia
            Rep. Mary Miller of Illinois
            Rep. Max Miller of Ohio
            Rep. Cory Mills of Florida
            Rep. Alex Mooney of West Virginia
            Rep. Barry Moore of Alabama
            Rep. Nathaniel Moran of Texas
            Rep. Ralph Norman of South Carolina
            Rep. Andy Ogles of Tennessee
            Rep. Gary Palmer of Alabama
            Rep. Scott Perry of Pennsylvania
            Rep. Bill Posey of Florida
            Rep. John Rose of Tennessee
            Rep. Matt Rosendale of Montana
            Rep. Chip Roy of Texas
            Rep. David Schweikert of Arizona
            Rep. Keith Self of Texas
            Rep. Victoria Spartz of Indiana
            Rep. Claudia Tenney of New York
            Rep. William Timmons of South Carolina
            Rep. Jeff Van Drew of New Jersey
            Rep. Beth Van Duyne of Texas
            Rep. Derrick Van Orden of Wisconsin
            Rep. Mike Waltz of Florida
            Rep. Randy Weber of Texas
            Rep. Daniel Webster of Florida
            Rep. Bruce Westerman of Arkansas
            Rep. Roger Williams of Texas
            Rep. Rudy Yakym of Indiana
            
            Senate
            
            Sen. Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee
            Sen. Mike Braun of Indiana
            Sen. Katie Britt of Alabama
            Sen. Ted Budd of North Carolina
            Sen. Mike Crapo of Idaho
            Sen. Deb Fischer of Nebraska
            Sen. Bill Hagerty of Tennessee
            Sen. Josh Hawley of Missouri
            Sen. Ron Johnson of Wisconsin
            Sen. Mike Lee of Utah
            Sen. Roger Marshall of Kansas
            Sen. Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma
            Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky
            Sen. Pete Ricketts of Nebraska
            Sen. James Risch of Idaho
            Sen. Eric Schmitt of Missouri
            Sen. Tim Scott of South Carolina
            Sen. Tommy Tuberville of Alabama

            Ultrakill Boot-up sequence

              (When you first play the game)

              BOOT UP SEQUENCE READY
              
              FIRMWARE
               LATEST VERSION (2112.08.06)
              
              CALIBRATION
               EXPIRED
               NEW CALIBRATION REQUIRED
              
              BEGINNING CALIBRATION
              
              AUDIO          OK
              VIDEO          OK
              MECHANICS      OK
              
               CALIBRATION COMPLETE
               PRIMARY SETTINGS UPDATED
              ( ASSIST OPTIONS  AVAILABLE IN PAUSE MENU )
               ALL SYSTEMS OPERATIONAL
              LOADING STATUS UPDATE...
              BOOT UP SEQUENCE... READY FIRMWARE: LATEST VERSION (2112. 08. 06.) CALIBRATION: EXPIRED. NEW CALIBRATION REQUIRED BEGINNING CALIBRATION AUDIO... OK VIDEO... OK MECHANICS... OK CALIBRATION COMPLETE PRIMARY SETTINGS UPDATED ( ASSIST OPTIONS AVAILABLE IN PAUSE MENU ) ALL SYSTEMS OPERATIONAL LOADING STATUS UPDATE... 

              (New Save File)

              BOOT UP SEQUENCE READY
              
              FIRMWARE
               LATEST VERSION (2112.08.06)
              
              CALIBRATION
               RECENTLY UPDATED
               PERFORM RECALIBRATION? Y/N
              
               CALIBRATION COMPLETE
               PRIMARY SETTINGS UPDATED
              ( ASSIST OPTIONS  AVAILABLE IN PAUSE MENU )
               ALL SYSTEMS OPERATIONAL
              LOADING STATUS UPDATE...
              BOOT UP SEQUENCE... READY FIRMWARE: LATEST VERSION (2112. 08. 06.) CALIBRATION: RECENTLY UPDATED PERFORM RECALIBRATION? Y/N CALIBRATION COMPLETE PRIMARY SETTINGS UPDATED ( ASSIST OPTIONS AVAILABLE IN PAUSE MENU ) ALL SYSTEMS OPERATIONAL LOADING STATUS UPDATE... 
              STATUS UPDATE:
              
              MACHINE ID:          V1
              LOCATION:            APPROACHING HELL
              CURRENT OBJECTIVE:   FIND A WEAPON
              MANKIND IS DEAD.
              BLOOD IS FUEL.
              HELL IS FULL.