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Ryze Came to me in a Dream

    Hey fellas, it has been quite a while since I posted here. I actually haven't touched league in many months, when my life as the blue man ended I got a job, a girlfriend, a dog, a nice house. Honestly things have never been better for me.
    
    But every so often when my GF isn't home I go into the basement and I stare at my computer for no reason. It calls to me, tempts me. Staring at it I get visions, I can see Rod of Ages, I can FEEL the power.
    
    Ever since about two weeks ago I've been having this awful recurring dream; I can see Ryze holding a seraph's embrace, but it's not the new seraphs, it's the old one. Ryze stares at me blankly and says "Wake up. Wake up" over and over and I awaken in front of the computer, my finger on the power button. I usually mutter to myself "Riot would never do that" and I walk back to spawn.
    
    A few days ago my girlfriend demanded I see a doctor because and I quote "I have been so pale I almost look blue". I visited the doctor and he looked at me and said "you need more mana". And gave me my scroll.
    
    After realm warping back home I noticed that the computer was turned on and my support was stacking tears of the goddess. "What is 'League of Legends'?" She screamed at me. "Is this where you go at night? What's with those tattoos? Are you even listening?!"
    
    I had no idea why my support was flaming me. I didn't actually need to mute her as she eventually left saying something about a "breakup". "At least the runes are safe" I think to myself. Thankfully my jungler Warwick is actually loyal and would never leave me over a 40 game loss streak.
    
    Has anyone else been enjoying the new seraph's? I have been fired from my job as a forklift operator but otherwise I can't help but feel my life is back on track

    Copypasta Rewind

      The fitness gram pacer test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test designed around torture of the male genitals. The missile knows this because in terms of male human and female pokemon breeding, Vaporeon has over 300 confirmed kills, is trained in gorilla warfare and notices your bulgy wulgy from across the floor and has started furiously masterbaiting. Everyone else gave it strange looks and were saying things like ‘can we get much higher’ and ‘you can do the rump shaker, huh? The thug shaker: gimme the name of Allah, the gracious, the merciful, Tesla’s co-founder and CEO. Elon is an inventor and as the righteous hand of the father; I shall rend you apart, and you shall become a bitch-ass motherfucker, he pissed on my fucking wife. I miss my wife tails. I want mommy, I want milk, i want to be held, i want to COOM I’M COOMING AUGH

      My black friend has a BDSM kink

        My black friend has a BDSM kink and when I was whipping him during sex my curtain fell down and now my neighbor thinks I keep slaves in my bedroom.
        
        Okay some context here. My black friend, 28M (we’ll call him Jake, but his real name isn’t actually Jake), who used to be my coworker revealed to me that he had a BDSM Kink on my shift.
        
        At first, I was at a loss for words, but didn’t want to keep the silence any longer since I didn’t want him to feel like I was judging him, so before I knew it, I started drooling from my mouth and grunting and got on all fours and chased him out of our work building and onto the streets. Jake climbed up a lamp post to escape me but I just sat under the lamp barking for 30 minutes before straightening my tie and returning to work.
        
        The next day, Jake didn't come to work. At this point, I felt guilty as fuck, so I did the one thing that I could think of to make him trust me again: I shot him a text saying that I also had a BDSM kink and told him to meet me at my address today afternoon.
        
        Sure enough, later that day, he met me outside my house carrying a bag of what he called "tools" and we went straight to our bedroom. He then poured out the contents of his bag onto my Lightning McQueen bedsheets, which were a whip, some body rope he called a "harness" and a yellow strap-on which must've been atleast 12 inches in length and 5 inches in girth.
        
        It was when he inserted the strap on into my anus that I had realized I made a terrible fucking mistake. It's agonizing thinking about it, but it felt like someone shoved a dozen firecrackers up my ass and now they're repeatedly going off inside my anal cavity.
        
        Finally, Jake said he wanted me to whip him with the whip. Sure, it felt weird since he was black, but he assured me it was okay and that we all understood what we were doing.
        
        On the first whip, he let out a high pitched scream which concerned me a little bit since my window was open but the curtains were draw so I assumed my neighbour just thought I was beating my son or something. On the second whip he howled even louder than before, and on the final I started to really get the hang of it.
        
        That was when the shit hit the fan. On my fourth whip, I decided that he really needs to get it and tried charging up my next strike like a Smash Bros character, but my attack got a little out of control and my whip made contact with the curtain rod, which subsequently made my curtain fall. Fuck.
        
        And lucky me: my retarded ass neighbour was standing right there, looking into my window while my whip landed on Jake's bare ass which resulted in him howling like a alpha wolf. My neighbour gasped, and ran back into her house.
        
        I'd wished to tell you she called 911, but instead she did the even worser thing and started telling everyone in the neighbourhood about my ownership of Jake and how I was probably keeping more locked up in my basement or something.
        
        Eventually, the news spread and it got so bad to the point where I started getting beat up at night when I tried visiting my 711 for beer and every time I peer out my window I see people on trucks armed with shotguns just hunting me on the streets.
        
        Anyways, I am now contemplating between staying inside for the rest of my life or admitting to them that I BDSM-style fucked Jake out of grief. Any responses would be appreciated.

        STOP POSTING ABOUT WAFFLE HOUSE! 🧇

          Referencing the Waffle House pasta
          STOP POSTING ABOUT WAFFLE HOUSE! I'M TIRED OF SEEING IT! MY FRIENDS ON TIKTOK SEND ME MEMES, ON DISCORD IT'S FUCKING MEMES! I was in a server, right? and ALL OF THE CHANNELS were just waffle house stuff. I-I showed my waffle to my girlfriend and syrup I flipped it and I said "hey babe, when the waffle house has its new host HAHA DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DI DI DING" I fucking looked at a restaurant and said "THAT'S A BIT WAFFLE" I looked at my syrup I think of a new host and I go "WAFFLE? MORE LIKE WAFFLE HOUSE HAS ITS NEW HOST" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGESFG

          🌧️ 🌧️ grab ur CUM-brella ☂️ ☔

            🌧️ 🌧️ grab ur CUM-brella ☂️ ☔ and your 🌂 ponch-HOE 🙇‍♀️ 🙇‍♀️ cuz it's raining 💦 cats 🙀 and dogs 🐶 and this 😹 PUSSY 😹 is 💦WET!!💦 send this to 🔟 of ur 😶‍🌫️ MOST 🌦️ SODDEN 🚿 SOAKED ⛈️ SLUTS!! 🤸‍♀️ 💃 if u get 0️⃣ back 🙅‍♀️ ur a DRY 🌞 ASS ☀️ HOE!! get 5️⃣ back and ur A 💦 🙇‍♀️ 💦 DRIPPY BITCH!! get 1️⃣ 0️⃣ back and UR 🙀 PUSSY 🙀 A SLIP IN SLIDE 🏄 🏄‍♀️ FOR THE WHOLE PARTY!! 🎉 💦 its 👨‍👨‍👦 RAINING 💪 MEN - 💦 HELLA 💦 HUGE 💦 LOADS!! 💦💦