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Fui no supermercado comprar 1 pepino e 1 camisinha e me dei mal.

    Eu sempre tive uma vontade estúpida de fazer essa "brincadeira" Chego no caixa do supermercado com um pepino e uma camisinha, nada mais, só pra ver a reação do caixa tentando imaginar o que eu ia fazer com aquilo.
    
    Fiz isso ontem de noite voltando do trabalho, e foi hilário. Eu fiquei rindo sozinho em casa feito um doente, imaginando o que se passou na cabeça da atendente. Elas sempre dão boa noite e puxam algum assunto, mas dessa vez a mulher não conseguiu falar nada de tão chocada.
    
    Beleza. Isso foi ontem. O problema é que eu voltei lá agora pouco, e a impressão que eu tive é de que todos me olhavam estranho. Cheguei até a encontrar o olhar com o gerente e ele desviou segurando riso. Tá na cara, né. A mulher saiu contando pra geral. Agora eu não posso mais voltar no supermercado que eu frequento quase todos os dias há anos porque todos os funcionários estão pensando que eu me masturbo enfiando um pepino no rabo. Estou extremamente envergonhado e acho que vou ter que começar a ir em outro lugar. Pra completar, eu gastei dinheiro com pepino e camisinha, sendo que eu não transo e nem gosto de legumes.

    Open English translated

    I've always had this stupid urge to do this "joke". I arrive at the supermarket checkout with a cucumber and a condom, nothing else, just to see the cashier's reaction trying to imagine what I was going to do with it.
    I did this last night on my way home from work, and it was hilarious. I was laughing alone at home like a sick person, imagining what was going on in the attendant's head. They always say good night and bring up some subject, but this time the woman couldn't say anything she was so shocked.
    Beauty. That was yesterday. The problem is that I went back there just now, and the impression I had was that everyone was looking at me strangely. I even met the manager's eye and he looked away with a chuckle. It's on the face, right? The woman left telling the general. Now I can't go back to the supermarket I've been going to almost every day for years because all the employees are thinking I masturbate by sticking a cucumber up my ass. I'm extremely embarrassed and I think I'm going to have to start going elsewhere. To top it off, I spent money on cucumbers and condoms, since I don't have sex and I don't even like vegetables.

    Tem coisa mais amedrontadora do que ir a barbearia?

      >já vou puto pq o corte é 35 pila
      >chego lá
      >3 barbeiros
      >10 clientes sem camisa, de chinelo e com calção de jogar bola
      >estranhamente todos os clientes se conhecem
      >clientes ficam conversando e vc exatamente assim →😐
      >você senta ou fica de pé
      >começa a suar pra caralho pq tem medo de gente
      >MC cabelinho tocando de fundo (algo que te faz ter ainda mais medo do ambiente)
      >barbeiro levando 40 minutos pra fazer um pezinho
      >após 2 horas de espera, chega sua vez
      >barbeiro pergunta qual corte vc vai "lançar"
      >vc responde
      >barbeiro não entende pq vc fala baixo pra caralho
      >responde de novo (agora falando mais alto)
      >barbeiro já te julga como estranho por ter escolhido um corte tão nerd
      >corte terminado
      >barbeiro pergunta se você vai fazer a sobrancelha
      >vc responde que sim
      >novamente ele não entende pq vc fala pra dentro
      >vc responde de novo que sim
      >barbeiro para o rosto 5 centímetros longe da sua cara pra fazer sua sombrancelha
      >você entra em desespero pq não sabe se fecha o olho, fica com o olho aberto, olha pro lado ou oq
      >sombrancelha feita
      >barbeiro te pergunta qual vai ser a forma de pagamento
      >vc responde que é no dinheiro
      >ele não entende de novo
      >vc responde novamente que vai ser no dinheiro
      >volta pra casa e se tranca no quarto pensando pq a vida é tão difícil pra você

      Open English translated

      Is there anything scarier than going to the barbershop?
      > I'm already pissed because the cut is 35 dick
      >get there
      >3 barbers
      >10 customers without a shirt, in flip-flops and soccer shorts
      >Strangely, all the customers know each other
      >customers are talking and you are exactly like this →😐
      >you sit or stand
      >starts sweating like hell because he's scared of people
      >MC cabelinho playing in the background (something that makes you even more afraid of the environment)
      >barber taking 40 minutes to make a foot
      >after 2 hours of waiting, it's your turn
      >barber asks which cut you're going to "launch"
      >you answer
      >barber doesn't understand why you talk so fucking low
      >answers again (now louder)
      >barber already judges you as weird for choosing such a nerdy cut
      >finished cut
      >barber asks if you're going to get your eyebrows done
      >you say yes
      >again he doesn't understand why you talk inside
      >you say yes again
      >barber for the face 5 centimeters away from your face to do your eyebrows
      >you get desperate because you don't know whether to close your eyes, keep your eyes open, look to the side or what
      >eyebrow done
      >barber asks you what the payment method will be
      >you say it's in the money
      >he doesn't understand again
      >you answer again that it will be in the money
      >come home and lock yourself in your room wondering why life is so hard for you

      Eu amo shit de gringo 🥵🥵😋

        Eu sou o matt of cartoonizando, born em legbuck (pernambuco) cidade 100% americana 🇺🇲 eu love comer shit de gringo when ele poop na privada 🥵🥵 go americano go solta sua shit pra eu comer 😋😋😩🥵 aí delicia que shit gostosa hmmm delicious 😋😋 vai american solta mais one 😋😋 ainnn 🥵🥵😩😩 que shit deliciosa 🥵🥵 i love gringo e eu hate brazilian 🇧🇷🚫

        Todo episódio de carrossel é tipo:

          Todo episódio de Carrossel é tipo:
          
          Cirilo sofre bullying por ser negro e é torturado psicologicamente pela garota que ele gosta, Jaime e Laura são brutalmente humilhados por serem gordos, Kokimoto é agredido verbalmente por ser asiático, Carmen precisa ajudar sua família humilde a catar papelão
          
          Professora Helena: Mas crianças... vocês não veem que somos todos iguais?
          
          violão começa a tocar no fundo
          
          🎶Avião sem asa Fogueira sem brasa Sou eu assim sem você🎶

          English version

          Every episode of Carousel is like:
          
          Cirilo is bullied for being black and is psychologically tortured by the girl he likes, Jaime and Laura are brutally humiliated for being fat, Kokimoto is verbally abused for being Asian, Carmen has to help her humble family pick up cardboard
          
          Teacher Helena: But children... can't you see that we are all the same?
          
          guitar starts playing in the background
          
          🎶 Plane without wings Bonfire without ember It's me like this without you 🎶

          Ex-squeeze 💁‍♂️ me 😎

            Ex-squeeze 💁‍♂️ me 😎
            
            Are you 🫵 trying 😖 to 2️⃣ portray 🖼️ me 🙆‍♂️ as fricking 🤬 stewpid? 🤪🥴 ⁉️
            
            Well 🤓 I'll have 💨 you 🫵 know 🧠 that you 🫵 succeeded 🏆✅
            
            But ☝️🤓 unfortunately 😩 for 4️⃣ you 🫵 all 🌍 of the credit 💳 goes 🚶‍♂️ to 2️⃣ me 😎. So you 🫵 only 🌝 get a hecking 🤬 silver medal. 🥈

            Why was 6 afraid of 7?

              Vsauce

              Is it because 7 8 9?
              *No. 7 never 8 9. Seven doesn't even know nine.
              The truth is, one day, six and seven decided to go camping together. And seven, one-ted, two bring ,three knives, four sur-five-al, but Six knew that Seven secretly h-eight-ed him, and he didn't have be-nine in-ten-tions.*
              Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?
              
              b/c he 1ted 2 bring 3 knives 4 "sur5al," but 6 knew 7 secretly h8ed him & didn't have be9 in10tions.

              Vsauce Tweet and YT Shorts

              Original

              It's a fairly common question, mostly because when people see 6 and 7 next to each other, it doesn't really make sense. 6 is large, muscled, and trained in multiple martial arts, while 7 is fairly average, physically, and short. However, 6's fear of 7 has its roots in childhood. See, 6 and 7 grew up together, and for a few years, they were best friends. But then 6 kissed 3, and they became childhood sweethearts. 7 secretly had feelings for 3, so 7 decided he needed to destroy 6 to win 3's affection. He started subtly, undermining 6 whenever possible with passive aggressive comments and compli-sults. But over time, things got much more insidious. 7 started messing with 6's performance in school, bringing down his grades and turning teachers against him. Even worse, 7 became great friends with 6's parents and slowly turned them against their own offspring. At night, 7 would sneak into 6's bedroom, and whisper depressing and hopeless things into his ears. Every time 3 was around, 7 would pants 6 and make fun of his genitalia, or try to body shame him in other ways. However, 3 was both smart and compassionate, and saw through 7's schemes, sticking with 6, trying to counter 7's psychological tear-down with compliments and friendship. Finally, 7 decided that he would never be able to win 3, so he drugged both 6 and 3, taking them to an abandoned cobbler's hut on the edge of town. There, he proceeded to torture and maim 3, forcing 6 to watch in horror, unable to do anything to save his sweetheart. 7 didn't kill 3, but instead, put her in a semi-vegetative state. 7 cleaned the scene of his prescence, then called the cops, having 6 blamed for 3's condition. 6 was sent to prison, believing 6 was guilty, 6's parents fell into a deep depression, eventually committing suicide over what they believed 6 had done. After serving 17 years of a 30 year sentence, and getting out on good behaviour, 6, now muscled and skilled as a fighter, thought he might get revenge on 7. But when he finally tracked down 7, he found out that 7 had installed a micro-bomb into 3's body, and should he be killed, the bomb would automatically go off and kill 3 as well. And though she was still in a mostly fugue state, 6 couldn't bring himself to hurt her any further, and decided to try and move on with his life. However, being an ex-con, it was difficult for him to get a job. 6 finally found employment at a diner, which 7 then bought, and proceeded to again undermine and toy with 6 at every turn. 6 tried to find employment elsewhere, but 7 contacted any potential employer and soured them against 6. 6 finally realized that no matter what he did, 7 was going to try and ruin his life, and he resigned himself to living as a broken, lonely man, never able to stand up to the depraved, amoral 7.