As being impressive as being really good at folding laundry. Bravo

Oh wow, another record. How impressive. I mean, who needs to actually enjoy a game when you can just mindlessly sprint through it as quickly as possible, right? Who cares about the intricacies of the plot, the carefully crafted environments, or the subtle nuances of the gameplay? It's all just an obstacle course to be conquered in record time. I'm sure all those years of button-mashing practice will come in handy in the real world, too. Like when you need to quickly hit the "send" button on your job application, or when you're trying to win an argument on one of your speedrun Discords by typing faster than the other person.

And let's not forget about the real accolades you'll receive for your incredible speedrunning skills. I'm sure people will be lining up for miles to watch you run through a game as quickly as possible, ignoring all the artistry and craftsmanship that went into creating it. Move over Mozart and Picasso, there's a new genius in town, and they're real good at hitting buttons fast. And let's not forget the real secret to your amazing speedrunning skills - exploiting glitches. Because why play a game as it was intended when you can just clip through walls, skip entire sections, and completely break the game? It's not like game developers spent countless hours fine-tuning their creations, testing them to make sure they worked as intended. Nope, it's all just a big joke to you, isn't it?

I'm sure you feel really proud of yourself for finding that one obscure glitch that shaves off a few precious seconds from your time. I mean, who cares about playing a game as it was meant to be played when you can just abuse glitches to make yourself look like a hotshot? So congratulations on your amazing speedrun achievement. I'm sure it will go down in history as one of the greatest accomplishments of all time. Or, you know, just be forgotten like the countless other pointless speedruns out there.

So keep hitting those buttons, speedrunner. Keep breaking those games and exploiting those glitches. But just remember - at the end of the day, you're still just a person who's really good at pushing buttons quickly. And in the grand scheme of things, that's about as impressive as being really good at folding laundry. Bravo.

Don’t expect me to be impressed or even remotely interested

Well, well, well, look who thinks they're real hot shit with their speedy little fingers and their quick reflexes. Let me tell you something, Mr. Speedrunner, you may have shaved a few seconds off your time, but you've also shaved off any sense of enjoyment or appreciation for this masterpiece of a game. You've reduced it to a mindless race to the finish, ignoring all the careful crafting and attention to detail that went into creating the world you're so callously sprinting through. And for what? A few seconds of fame on some obscure online leaderboard?

I pity you, speedrunner. You've missed out on the true beauty and depth of this game, all in the name of your oh-so-precious speed. So, go ahead, pat yourself on the back for your "accomplishment," but know that you've sacrificed something far more valuable in the process: your soul. Oh, I'm sorry, did I hurt your delicate little speedrunning feelings? Did I hit a nerve? Well, good. Maybe it's time for you to take a good, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself why you're so obsessed with beating games as quickly as possible.

Next time, try taking it slow and actually savoring the experience. Or don't. Honestly, I don't really care. Do whatever you want, I'm just some random asshole on the Internet. But know that your precious speedrun will never be as impressive as a genuine appreciation for the game, and don't expect me to be impressed or even remotely interested in your speedy little achievements.