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Ice King’s (Simon) tapes

    Hello. My name is Simon Petrikov. I am recording this tape so that people will know my story. I was studying to be an antiquarian of ancient artifacts. Now, I never believed in the supernatural stuff myself, just had a fascination with superstitions. But everything changed when I came into contact with this item. After purchasing this crown from an old dock worker in northern Scandinavia, I brought it home and excitedly showed my fiancée, Betty. I jokingly put it on my head just for a- laugh, or something. And that's when it started. The visions. I fought with them. Shouted at them until I realized it wasn't real, it was the crown! I quickly took it off and saw my fiancée in front of me, looking at me with such contempt. What did I say? What had I done when I wore this crown? All I know is that I never saw Betty again.
    
    Since then, I now see the visions always, whether or not I wear the crown. They tell me the secrets... the secrets of the ice and snow. That the power of the crown will save me with its frost. I don't yet know what this means. As you can see, my skin is beginning to turn blue. My body temperature has been lowering at a supernatural rate, to what is now about thirty degrees celsius. I don't know when it will end. I'm really scared.
    
    I know my mind is changing, but I'm already too far gone to know what to do. I want people to know that... if I do things, if- if I do things that hurt anyone, please, please forgive me.
    
    Just- watch over me until I can find my way out of this labyrinth in my brain and regain my sanity! And then maybe, Betty, my princess, maybe you will love me again. Please, love me again, Betty!

    I’m sick of Xingqiu.

      Xingqiu
      I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of Xingqiu. I try to play Ayato. My Xingqiu deals more damage. I try to play Yoimiya. My Xingqiu deals more damage. I try to play Cyno. My Xingqiu deals more damage. I want to play Hu Tao. Her best team has Xingqiu. I want to play Hyperbloom, National - they both want Xingqiu. He grabs me by the throat. I farm for him. I cook for him. I give him Fav. He isn't satisfied. I pull R5 Sac Sword. "I don't need this much er" He tells me. "Give me more field time." He grabs Yelan and forces her to throw herself off enemies. "You just need to funnel me more. I can deal more damage with Mistsplitter." I can't pull for Mistsplitter, I don't have enough primogems. He grabs my credit card. It declines. "Guess this is the end." He summons his rain swords. He says "Witness the power of Guhua." There is no hint of sadness in his eyes. Nothing but pure, unrivaled hydro application. What a cruel world.

      Based on the original ‘I’m so tired of Xiangling‘ copypasta

      What in Davy Jones’ locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat?

        Navy Seals pirate copypasta
        What in Davy Jones’ locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I’ll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and I’ve led numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o’ swag. I’ll have yer guts for garters and keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o’ pirates across the sea and yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o’ monsoon that’ll wipe ye off the map. You’re sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in any waters, and can kill ye in o’er seven hundred ways, and that be just with me hook and fist. Not only do I be top o’ the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck and call and I’ll damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o’ the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye couldn’t, ye didn’t, and now ye’ll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I’ll shit fury all over ye and ye’ll drown in the depths o’ it. You’re fish food now.

        Based on the original ‘Navy Seals‘ copypasta

        How to avoid telling people my major (software engineering)?

          When people ask me what my major and school is, I'm hesitant to say. It's probably rare for them to be graced with the presence of a student at the top cs/engineering school in Canada, the MIT of the north. Especially a software engineering major, the most prestigious program at said school. I feel a bit guilty, as meeting someone so much more accomplished, yet their same age, probably crushes their self image.
          
          How do you guys go about avoiding the question, or what other major do you usually say?

          The copypasta first started from a Redditor post on the University of Waterloo subreddit and its sheer ridiculousness has made it popular and became statire. Many variations of the original copypasta has been created since then specifically for majors in different universities and colleges.

          Other variations

          How to avoid telling people my major (Yiddish studies)?

          When people ask me what my major and school is, I'm hesitant to say. It's probably rare for them to be graced with the presence of a student at the top school in Canada, the Harvard of the north. Especially a Yiddish major, the most prestigious program at said school. I feel a bit guilty, as meeting someone so much more accomplished, yet their same age, probably crushes their self image.
          
          How do you guys go about avoiding the question, or what other major do you usually say?

          How to avoid telling people my major (biology)?

          When people ask me what my major and school is, I'm hesitant to say. It's probably rare for them to be graced with the presence of a student at the most difficult program in Canada at the best school in Toronto. Especially a biology major, the most prestigious program at said school. I feel a bit guilty, as meeting someone so much more accomplished, yet their same age, probably crushes their self image.

          How to avoid telling people my major (engineering physics)?

          When people ask me what my major and school is, I'm hesitant to say. It's probably rare for them to be graced with the presence of a student at the top engineering school in Canada. Especially an engineering physics major, the most prestigious program at said school. I feel a bit guilty, as meeting someone so much more accomplished, yet their same age, probably crushes their self image.

          How to avoid telling people my major (Commerce)?

          When people ask me what my major and school is, I'm hesitant to say. It's probably rare for them to be graced with the presence of a student at the top school in Canada, the Harvard of the north. Especially a commie major the most prestigious program at said school. I feel a bit guilty, as meeting someone so much more accomplished, yet their same age, probably crushes their self image.
          
          How do you guys go about avoiding the question, or what other major do you usually say?

          How to avoid telling people my favourite game (TFT)?

          When people ask me what my favourite game and company is, I'm hesitant to say. It's probably rare for them to be graced with the presence of a gamer who plays the top game in the world, the Dark Souls of Riot Games. Especially a diamond ranked player in the most prestigious game at said company. I feel a bit guilty, as meeting someone so much more accomplished, yet at their same age, probably crushes their self image.
          
          How do you guys go about avoiding the question, or what other game do you usually say?

          How to avoid telling people my SAT score (1600)

          When people ask me what my SAT score is, I'm hesitant to say. It's probably rare for them to be graced with the presence of a student who has the top SAT score in the U.S., the Ivy League score. Especially a first time test taker, the most prestigious level. I feel a bit guilty, as meeting someone so much more accomplished, yet their same age, probably crushes their self image.
          
          How do you guys go about avoiding the question, or what other score do you usually say?

          Accolibed is a hacker.

            osu! game
            Accolibed is a hacker.
            
            I have undeniable evidence that Accolibed is a hacker. For the following points, I will be referring to his new play in which he gets 1500 pp. (https://youtu.be/aATBgeMYnhc?si=psDGpNj1dhrKppXx). First, if you look at the slow sliders at 2:47, his cursor changes direction in a very choppy manor. As someone who is a professional coder, I can guarantee that these movements are from an algorithm designed in java. He needed to design the code to fit a very fast map, as he had to make the cursor look natural while doing very fast jumps. However, when the slow part came, the script he used wasn't suitable for the slow sliders and made the cursor look choppy and abnormal, as visible in the video. Second, right after the slow sliders begin, you can see Accolibed look away from his osu! monitor then expeditiously look at it again. Accolibed forgot he was streaming so he decided to look at something else while his hacks did the play for him, but then he looked back as soon as he remembered people were watching him. It’s a shame to see the highest ranked players cheating, so we should band together as a community and expose Accolibed for the hacker he is.

            Original copypasta was ‘Rafis is a hacker.’

            The original version of ‘X is a hacker’ is from a Redditor post about Rafis a professional player and content creator for the game osu! The rant contains ridiculous allegations and absurd speculation about the player’s gameplay and how scripts are made. This copypasta is usually used when a new world record of osu! is achieved with the player’s name changed to fit a new narrative.

            Rafis is a hacker.
            
            I have undeniable evidence that Rafis is a hacker. For the following points, I will be referring to his new play in which he gets 829 pp. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6SPs67ZPGw&t=167). First, if you look at the slow sliders at 2:47, his cursor changes direction in a very choppy manor. As someone who is a professional coder, I can guarantee that these movements are from an algorithm designed in java. He needed to design the code to fit a very fast map, as he had to make the cursor look natural while doing very fast jumps. However, when the slow part came, the script he used wasn't suitable for the slow sliders and made the cursor look choppy and abnormal, as visible in the video. Second, right after the slow sliders begin, you can see Rafis look away from his osu! monitor then expeditiously look at it again. Rafis forgot he was streaming so he decided to look at something else while his hacks did the play for him, but then he looked back as soon as he remembered people were watching him. It’s a shame to see the highest ranked players cheating, so we should band together as a community and expose Rafis for the hacker he is.

            My(m17)girlfriend(f18) won’t stop watching skibidi toilet and it’s ruining our relationship.

              As the title says, it's ruined our relationship has been ruined over this, my girlfriend has stopped going on dates with me because it doesn't involve skibidi toilet. She won't have sex with me because she claims "Skibidi toilet said not to", and worst of all she has made a borderline skibidi toilet religion, I can't take it anymore, I really love her but this has gotten too far.She also cries over not having her tablet to watch skibidi toilet, shes basically an ipad kid. What do I do?