Its a response towards the infamous Vaporeon copypasta by fact checking Vaporeon’s capabilities to manipulate water.
Vaporeon was NEVER compatible for breeding with humans at all! Firstly, they are not even in the Human-Like egg group, and most of them are male anyway. Since the 4chan post warped the facts about Vaporeon's biology, I will now clarify this matter. Hydration only works in the rain, and Water Absorb, which has a more dangerous ability that I'll elaborate more on soon, doesn't mean your Vaporeon will turn white after you pull out. I know this because I cleaned sperm bank toilets long ago. Their eel-like skin makes it impossible to grope them too. Also, what the 4chan post failed to mention is that Vaporeon can control water telepathically, meaning it can create Kyogre-like tsunamis at will, and, thanks to moves like Scald, Hydro Pump, Ice Beam, and Hyper Beam, Vaporeon has many more ways to unalive you. It can also learn Detect and Toxic too, so don't explore that "deep sea cave" for "treasure." Vaporeon can also force the very same water it can control to enter a person's orifice until they explode, as well as being able to enter any human orifice, just like the candiru fish, with it eventually reaching any vital organs in the human body and ensuring those organs rupture thanks to its water-based biology. This allows the Vaporeon to exit the newly created corpse easily. Now here is the ghastly truth about Water Absorb: since humans are 65% water, if a Vaporeon was inside a human body, it could absorb the water until the human was nothing more than a withered corpse. Oh, and here's a fun fact: if a Vaporeon rematerialized while it was inside your urethra, your wiener would instantly explode. As for the moves that Vaporeon can use to make itself horny, the thing is that the rest of Vaporeon's kin can learn those moves too, with Leafeon, Glaceon, and Umbreon (who has more results on Rule 34 and e621 than Vaporeon) having higher defense stats that would blow Vaporeon out of the water any day of the week. Acid Armor won't even change that.
Old version
Contrary to popular belief, Vaporeon was never compatible for breeding with humans at all. Far from it. For starters, most of them are male, 87.5% male to be exact, and they're not even in the Human-Like egg group anyway. Not only that, but the copypasta diluted the truth about Vaporeon's abilities, hence why I will now set the record straight. Hydration only works when it's raining and Water Absorb, which has a darker nature that I will get to talk about soon, doesn't mean your Vaporeon will turn white after you "pull out." I know this because I cleaned sperm bank toilets a long time ago. Also, what wasn't mentioned is that Vaporeon can control water easily, meaning that Vaporeon can perfectly utilize the water it can control to enter a person's orifices until they explode. Vaporeon’s biology allows it to defeat its opponent by entering any human orifice effortlessly, like the candiru fish, with it eventually making its way to the human's lungs until the human succumbed to dry drowning or have those very same lungs rupture, letting the Vaporeon exit the newly created cadaver easily. Now here is the disturbing truth about Water Absorb. Since human bodies are 65% water, a Vaporeon that's inside a human body could potentially absorb the water in said body until the poor human was nothing more than a shriveled corpse. Also, if a Vaporeon rematerialized while it was inside your urethra, your penis would be sent to the Distortion World instantly. Its ability to control water also includes creating Kyogre-like tsunamis that can level cities easily, and with moves like Scald, Hydro Pump, Ice Beam, Hyper Beam, and Body Slam, Vaporeon has so many ways to end you that it should be reclassified to the "Assassin Pokémon." It can also learn Detect and Toxic too, so don't explore that "deep sea cave" for "treasure." As for the moves that it can use to make itself more "horny," the thing is that the rest of Vaporeon's kin can also learn those moves too, with Leafeon, Glaceon, and Umbreon having higher defense stats that would blow Vaporeon out of the water any day of the week. Acid Armor won't even change that. Also, the NSFW crowd loves Umbreon and Sylveon more than Vaporeon.
