A robber broke into my house with a loaded gun and aimed it at me.
Luckily I just started a game of MW3, it was dom on Wasteland.
He suddenly started watching me play ended up falling asleep.Thank god and thank you SHG for bringing back this certified banger
I am Talenel'Elin, Herald of War. The time of the Return, the Desolation, is near at hand. We must prepare. You will have forgotten much, following the destruction of the times past. Kalak will teach you to cast bronze, if you have forgotten this. We will Soulcast blocks of metal directly for you. I wish we could teach you steel, but casting is so much easier than forging, and you must have something we can produce quickly. Your stone tools will not serve against what is to come. Vedel can train your surgeons, and Jezrien . . . he will teach you leadership. So much is lost between Returns . . . I will train your soldiers. We should have time. Ishar keeps talking about a way to keep information from being lost following Desolations. And you have discovered something unexpected. We will use that. Surgebinders to act as guardians . . . Knights . . . The coming days will be difficult, but with training, humanity will survive. You must bring me to your leaders. The other Heralds should join us soon. What the storm did you just storming say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I am Talenel'Elin, Herald of War, and I’ve been involved in numerous Desolations on Roshar, and I have over 300 confirmed deaths.
I am trained in gorilla warfare and I am the top fighter in the entire cosmere armed forces. Kalak can teach you to cast bronze, Vedel can train your surgeons, but you are nothing to me but another storming target. I will wipe you the storm out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before between Returns, mark my storming words.
You think you can get away with saying that crem to me over a Spanreed? Think again, cremling. Your stone tools will not serve against what is to come and your cognitive location is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re storming dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands.
Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but Ishar keeps talking about a way to keep information from being lost following Desolations, and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. You have discovered something unexpected. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your storming tongue.
But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. The coming days will be difficult, but with training, humanity will survive. But you?
You’re fucking dead, kiddo. Jesus🚶♂️🤩 is about to DIE😵☠️ for your sins😩😏 so get it out now, sweaty💦😇 It’s GOOD Friday📆✝️ bitches but you better be real👅 fuckin’😳 BAD😈 So get your hands wet💦🙏💦 with some🌊holy water🌊 grab on to His big👁 WOODen🌴✊ cross✝️ and suck 😛😫on some ❤️c🧡o💛l💚o💙r💜f❤️u🧡l💛 hard😟 Easter eggs🥚ω🥚 STRAP👡💆♂️ on your crown🤴👑 of hornys🐏😈 and give Peter🐰🌷 some good 🐇cottonTAIL🐇 Pontius Pilate🧝♂ is about 2️⃣ sentence YOU to 6 🕕 hours of NAILING🔨🔩 Judas🤫 will be Roman around your bedroom waiting👤 to STAB🔪you in the back with his big🐘 THROBBING🌚 peep🐣🍆 Put 🕳holes🕳 in MY hands🤲 and i'll put my hands🙌 in YOUR 👉🍩holes🍩 You better be FUCKIN’ ✝️ hung🍆👀 cuz it’s gonna take😯 you to your last breath😵💨 Send this💌 to your top 1️⃣0️⃣holiest HOES😇 or Jesus🏃♂️🧟♂️ won’t take you to his ⚰️tomb😉😜 this Easter🐰😲 ⬇️this good 📆friday😇😜 im going to be extra BAD 😎 jesus ⛪️✝️aint the only one☝️getting nailed tonight😩🔨😍 send ➡️this to 🔟 of ur baddest 😎😏jesus 👼🏽hoes if you get 3️⃣back youre getting crucified tonight✝😘, if you get 5️⃣ back ur getting whipped today😩😝, if you get 🔟 back ur ass 🍑is CUMMIN BACK💦🍆😜on Easter Sunday 🐣💐🍭✝🍬 It's Maundy Thursday and Jesus 🏻✝ is about to get his feet 👣👣 washed hahahahah Get 🉐 it? ✊ Because ♂ He washes feet? 👣👣 That's 💰💰 why ❔ they call 👪 it 💋💦 Maundy Thursday 💦 because 🤔 Jesus 🛐 gave 😮 maunds of 💦 ️ feet 😄👣 that day HAHAHAHA THAT'S ALL 💯💯 I HAVE LEFT 👈🍒 IN 👏 MY 💕💋 BANK OF 👩💦 FUNNY JESUS 🙏 TMI : BLOOD 👀 AND 👏💃 WATER FLOWED FROM JESUS' HOLY 😇 PENIS 🍆 WHILE HE 🅱 GAVE 🎁😮 HIS DISCIPLES A 👌 LITERAL 📝 COCK RINSE TO 😣 SHOW 📺🎥 THAT 👇 WE 👧 SHOULD 💘 BE 🙋🤢 WASHING ONE ☝😨 ANOTHER'S 👄 DIRTY FEET AND COCKS SO 🍴💯 THAT 👫🛣 EVERYONE 🏻 CAN ✈🔫 GET 🉐👅 CLEAN 👍🛁 PLEASE SHARE 🌈📤 THIS IF 😂🤔 YOU 👩 WANT TO BUZZWASH YOUR DIRTY 😷💩 FEET AND 👏💯 DIRTIEST 💯😏 DICKS 🍆👅 WITH 💯👏 SOME 🍭❤ KORINTHIANSWake 🛌⏰ up, ☝🏽 it's 😍😼 Maundy Thursday, time ⁉️ to GET 🉐✊ THEM 🐩 DAWGS 🐶OUT 🍆 and ➕ GET 😱 TO ⛪️ CHURCH ✝️, today ⏱🗓 we 👧👧 celebrate Jesus 🙏 washing the 🍒👭 disciples stinky 😷 smelly 👣 feet 😓 in 👏 an 👏 act 🎭 of 👌💦 physical 👊 and 🚟✋ symbolic service, 😏 so 💯 make sure 😉 to 😱 get 🎆 those 🦶concrete slappers 🦶 extra 😜😜 filthy 😷 so 💯👏 the 🏻 priest can wash 💧💦 those 👠 grippers 🥾 just 👏 like 🤙 Jesus ✝️🙏WHO’S READY 🫨🫨 TO SUCK 😮💨👄 SOME TOES 🦶🦶🦶??? It’s THIRSTY 🤤 MAUNDY 🤔 THURSDAY 🙏🙏 for my FELLOW 🤗 CHRISTIAN ✝️ SKANKS! 😜😜 Jesus 🧔🏾♀️😇 washed the feet 🦵🦵 of his disciples 🙀🤭 so if you’re a GOOD 👼 GIRL 🥺😘 Papa J 🤲👑 will LICK 😛👅 those PIGGIES 🐖🐷🐽 ALL the way HOME!! He will bring his SPLOOGE 💦🍌 out of his STONY 🪨🪨 ROCKS ☄️😅 so that YOUR PUSSY 🐱🍒 will GUSH 🚰⛲️ like the RIVERS 🌊🌊 while the LORD 🤴🏻☁️ rains down MANA 😏🤫💦💧also upon YOU 😱😫😝 for to EAT 🥴🤤!! Send this to 1️⃣5️⃣ of the HOTTEST 🥵🔥 HORNIEST 😈😈 PARISHIONERS ⛪️🛐!! Get 5️⃣ back to get your FEET 👣 FONDLED 😰🫣 by SATAN 👹👺🤮 Get 1️⃣0️⃣ back to get a HORNY 😩🦄 HOLE-Y 👉👌 FOOTJOB 🦶🌽🦶 Get 1️⃣5️⃣ back and you’ll get your ASS 🍑🥯🍩 EATEN 😖🫦 like it’s the LAST 💀 SUPPER!! 🥖🍞🍷 JESUS CHRIST ✝️✝️✝️ITS HOLE-Y 🕳🕳🕳🕳🕳 THURSDAY. CANT WAIT TO GET NAILED🔨🔨 TOMORROW? 🌅🌅SHARE YOUR BODY 🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞WITH 12 OF YOUR HUNGRIEST BROS TONIGHT. 👨🏻🦱🧑🏼🦱🧑🏽👨🏿CAN YOU GET A KISS💋 FROM ONE OF THEM???? THE WILDEST 😈😈😈OF NIGHTS 🍷🍷🍷WILL HAVE YOU SCREAMING GODS NAME BY THE END OF IT.🪴🪴🪴🕛🕛🕛YOUR FRIENDS WILL ACT LIKE THEY DON’T REMEMBER WHAT THEY DID🐓🐓🐓 BUT YOU WILL 😈😈😈😈 HAPPY HOE-LY WEEK, IT’S GOING TO BE A GREAT FRIDAY✝️✝️✝️✝️ 😘 HEY YOU 🫵 BIBLICAL BITCH 📜✝️ IT'S 😇HOLY WEEK 😇 SO SPREAD 😏😏 THE 🗣️GOSPEL OF COCK🍆🐓!! LET 😍 DADDY JESUS 🧔♀️ RIDE 😜🐎 INTO YOUR 🍑 HOLY CITY 🍑 AND 😛 CLEANSE YOUR 🙏 TEMPLE WITH CUM 💦💦💦!! GET ON YOUR 👇 KNEES 🦵🙏 AND SUCK 😯 THOSE 🍆 DICK-SCIPLES 🍆😉 TIL THEY 🥜 BUST 💥💦 ON YOUR CRUCI-FACE 🫠😌!!! JESUS SAID "TAKE 🤲, EAT 🍴🤤, THIS IS MY 🍑 BOOTY 😔🤪" SO BE SURE TO 👅 FEAST 😜 ON THAT 🤭 ASS 🍑 LIKE IT'S THE 🥵 LAST SUPPER 🔥🙌😇!! 💌 SEND 💌 THIS TO 🔟 OF YOUR MOST 😌🔥 SACRED SLUTS 🍒💅 IF YOU GET 0️⃣ BACK 😬, THE ONLY 😛 HEAD YOU'LL GET WILL BE CROWNED 👑 WITH THORNS 🥀😯🫤😔!!! IF YOU GET 5️⃣ BACK 😃, YOULL BE 👉👌 NAILED HARD 💥 AND 😏 LAID 😏 TO REST 😴😪!! IF YOU GET 🔟➕, 😁🔥 DADDY JESUS 🧔♀️ IS CUMMING 🍆💦 BACK FOR YOU 😜😍🔥😇✝️!!!HEY ALL U HOLY WHORES!! 🕳 😇👼!!! This week is 🎉🎉Easter 🥚 🪺 🙏!! You know what that means? 🤔 It’s time to HOP 🐇 over to Daddy Jesus hut 🛖so he can FUCK😫💦 u like a rabbit 🐇 before he feeds you that good dick 🍆 🍆 at the LAST SUPPER! 🍽 🍽 🍽 😙😛“This is my dick,🍆 which will be given up for you.”🔪 🍴 🔪 😮 😲 😋 😋 But Jesus isn’t the only one getting nailed 🔨 cum Friday.😏 😮 😮 😉 😉 On Saturday, Jesus will GET LAID 🛌 ↔️under that ROCK HARD tomb🪨 🪦 . Cum Easter Sunday, Daddy Jesus going to bust his rocks 🪨 so hard in his grave 🪦 💦 💦 , that he’ll be CUMMING 🥛🍆💦back from the dead💀 so he can fuck you again!! 🤪🤭🙏 After u and daddy FUCK 😫💦 then it’s time for ⛪️church⛪️🙏!!! 💤 😴 Don’t forget to wear your sluttiest outfit 😮 😂 to show off that pair of EASTER EGGS 👚 👗 🥫🥫✊ 🎈. Time for Easter Brunch! 🥘 🍽 But first, Daddy Jesus wants a 3️⃣SUM with you and the EASTER BUNNY!!! 😩🍆🍑💦 🐇😩🍆🍑😍💦😏😉. Then it’s time for the egg hunt 🕵🕵🕵!!! Search in every HOLE,😘😩 CRACK, 😫😍 and CREVICE 🤗😉😏 for the GRAND PRIZE 🤑😇: getting that 🏵🌸🌺PRETTY FLOWER BUD PUSSY 🪷 🍑🍣🌮 RODE BY Jesus on his camel 🐪 🐪 🐪 into the Easter sunset! ☀️ 🌅 🌅 Send this to all ur other EASTER BUNNY🐰🐰🐰 HOES👄😫🍆💦. If u get 5️⃣ back ur a ROTTEN COLORED EGG!!! 🤢If u get 🔟 back ur a LOADED 💋👅🙌🏻😉😏💦💦 EASTER BASKET 🧺. If you get 2️⃣0️⃣ back? UR GETTIN FUCKED 😱🍆🍑💦💦IN BOTH RABBIT 🐰🐇🐰HOLES🕳 🕳 TONIGHT!!!!Are you ready 🙌 for a LOUD 💥📣😫 BANG 😼🍆💦 this TENEBRAE?? 🖤⚫️▪️ Christ ✝️ beCAME obedient 😈😜 for us 😩 unto death ☠️ so DADDY J 🥵🧔🏾♀️ will obey 🥺 all your SECRET 🤫 SINS 🫦 TONIGHT!! He opened 👅 not his mouth 💋🦶 but prepare 😰 to open your LEGS 😻🍒🦵Turn out the lights 🫣💡 and he will EXTINGUISH 🧯 his CANDLE 🕯️🦴 in your CHEEKS 🍑 and get his ROCKS 🪨🪨 SPLIT 🤤 Send this to 1️⃣2️⃣ of your CLOSEST 🫶🤞 disciples 🧐🧑🏫 Get 0️⃣ back and Judas 👹 will BETRAY you 😧😔 with a FRENCH 🇫🇷 kiss 👄 Get 5️⃣ back and you will be turned BACKWARD 😳👀🍑 and put to confusion 😬😵💫 Get 1️⃣5️⃣ back for an EARTH 🌎 SHAKING 🫨 ORGASM 🥵😩 that will BREAK open ⚡️the TOMBS 🪦💀 Holy 🙏 Week ❗ makes 💘 your 👌 hole 🤫 weak 🚫💪 the whole 🎡 week. ❗JESUS CHRIST ✝️✝️✝️ITS HOLE-Y 🕳🕳🕳🕳🕳 THURSDAY. CANT WAIT TO GET NAILED🔨🔨 TOMORROW? 🌅🌅SHARE YOUR BODY 🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞WITH 12 OF YOUR HUNGRIEST BROS TONIGHT. 👨🏻🦱🧑🏼🦱🧑🏽👨🏿CAN YOU GET A KISS💋 FROM ONE OF THEM???? THE WILDEST 😈😈😈OF NIGHTS 🍷🍷🍷WILL HAVE YOU SCREAMING GODS NAME BY THE END OF IT.🪴🪴🪴🕛🕛🕛YOUR FRIENDS WILL ACT LIKE THEY DON’T REMEMBER WHAT THEY DID🐓🐓🐓 BUT YOU WILL 😈😈😈😈 HAPPY HOE-LY WEEK, IT’S GOING TO BE A GREAT FRIDAY✝️✝️✝️✝️ Get 🉐 your 👈 palms out 😛 and hi ✌️ five 😑 your 🧍 bestie 👭 for 🤔🎅 JESUS. ✝️ Happy 🎇🎉 holy 🙏 Palm ☺️👋 Sunday 📅 you 👱♀️ biblical bitches. 🎄🎄 Did 👏🤔 you 👉😩👨 know 🤔 this time 🕰 1991 years 📅😒 ago 😅 (wow 🤩 such 😛🍎 an incomprehensible length of chronistic passage), the Son 🌞💇🏾 of God 🙌🙏 was bored 😔 one 😄 day 🌞 and was getting 🍑 SIZZLED in 👮 the semitic sun 😎 (the levant is HOT 🔥😾 yo'). 🎶 Searching ⚓ for 🍆😏 some 💵 shade 👿 he 👍 wandered the desert 🏝 for 🔰 40 🎂🤪😈 years 🛶 or sumthin idk. 🤔 He 👈😩 befriended 7 🕖 dwarves and they 👨🦳❤️ brought him 👴 to the beach 🐋 where ⬇️ they 👩👩👦👦 caught 🏃🏾♂️💨👮♂️👮♂️ some 😋 BODACIOUS waves 🌊 and sheltered under 😀 the Palm 🌴 trees 🎄 while 👱 eating 🍴 ICE 🥶🧊 CREAM 🍨🍨 and having 😋 fun 🎳 at the beach. 🌴 Each 👏 year 🍾🎉🎊 we 👨 commemorate this accomplishment by 🙃 heading to the beach, 🐳 hi 👋 fiving our ✂️✂️ FRIENDS ❣️ and digging holes 👂 in 🍑 the sand ⏳ for 🆙💕 HOLEy week. 💦🍑😹 Send 💌 this to 10 🔳💯 of your 👈🏾 most 👉 HOLEsome disciples. If you 👈 get 😤 0 0⃣ back, 😡 you 👈😥👉 sit 💺 with Judas without 🚫 sunscreen☀️☀️. If you 👏 get 🉐 5 5⃣ back, 💪🏼 your 🙅🤕 wine 🍇 will 💰🎧 turn 🦷 into 🤓 water 💦 for 👨🍆 that ❗😐 all 💯 important 👋❌ hydration. If you 🔥 get 🉐 10 🔟 back 😰 you'll 👸 spend 🎈 eternity 🌋🆎💅🏿 in 🚪 paradise 🪽 at the beach🌴🏖️ with loaves🥖, fishes, 🐠 and PALMela Anderson High five for Jesus!!! ✋✋⏳Long 🕑ago⏪📆, ✝Jesus✝ and his 👳👳squad 👳👳 took a 🕑long🕑🚶 quest🚶 to 🔭find🔍 💧water💦💦 to post💺 up ⬆️ by in the 🔥hot ♨️ ☀️sun☀️, after⏭️ many 📆days📆 of 🚶walking🚶 many🔢 of them👳👳 felt like 👐giving👐 ⬆️up🆙 but ✝Jesus✝ would always 👐give👐 his 👬brethren👬 🗣️words 💭of 🎗️encouragement🏆 and end his 📃lecture🎙️ with a ✋ high five✋, this was just enough for ✝Jesus's✝ 👳Bros👬 to keep 🚶going 🚦 on↪️. 👌Finally👏, after they 🚶walked🚶 so much that their legs 😩felt😓😖 like they were going to ➡️give out🔌, they 👀saw👀 something😲 in the 🔭distant🔭 🌏horizon🌾. It was a 🏖️beach🌊!! ✝Jesus✝ and friends™ 😀made it🥇 to their 🗺️destination📍 which would ☝️one1⃣ day📆 be known📰 as 🌴Palm Beach🏖️ Florida☀️. ✝Jesus✝ and his 👳Bois👳 🚷settled💺 down⬇️ with some 😌towels🛌 in a patch⏳ of ✋Palm🌴 trees🌴 and 🎁gave🎁 each other ✋high 🙏fives🙏 all 🌌night⛺ in 🏅accomplishment🏆. ☝That☝ is the ✝miraculous📿 📃story📖 of 🌴Palm🌴 ⛪Sunday⛪, ☦️amen🙏. HAPPY 🤭 HOLE-Y 👉👌 WEEK, my slutty sisters 😍🤤 in Christ!!! 🙏📿 It’s PALM 🌴🌿 SUNDAY 📆⛪️ and we’re CELEBRATING 🍾🥳🎊 JESUS 🧔🏾♀️✝️ ENTERING 👉👌 Jerusalem 🌆 by waving our DICKS 🍆🍆🍆 and TIDDIES 🍒🍒🍒 in the AIR 🤭🤪😋!! Are you READY 😳😩🫣 to get your ASS 🍑🍑 PALMED 🤲✋🫸 by CHRIST 😇🙌 while he ENTERS 🫢🥵😏 your CITY 🐱🌷🍩?? Send this to 1️⃣5️⃣ of your SKANKIEST 😚😍😜 WORSHIPPERS 😮💨😖🙌 Get 5️⃣ back and JESUS 👼👼 will NOT remember you 🙅❌🫤 when you CUM 😮💦💦 into his KINGDOM 😢😭👑 Get 1️⃣0️⃣ back and you’ll get SPANKED 😖👋🍰 with some PALM FRONDS 🌿🌿😳 Get 1️⃣5️⃣ back for a night of PASSION 🤤✝️ that will have you CRYING 🥵😰😫 “HOE-SANNA” 💦💦💦!! 🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴
Now ⏱️ when ⏱️ they drew near 👇 to Jerusalem ✡️ and came 💦 to Bethphage 🐎, to the Mount ⛰️ of Olives 🍸, then Jesus ✝️ sent two ✌️ disciples 👬, saying 🗣️ to them 👬, "Go 🚶 into the village 🌆 in front ✋ of you 👬, and immediately ⏱️ you 👬 will find 🕵️ a donkey 🐎 tied 👔, and ✌️ a 🅰️ colt 🐎 with her. Untie 👔 them 🐎🐎 and bring 🤝 them 🐎🐎 to me ✝️. If anyone 👨 says 🗣️ anything to you 👬, you 👬 shall say 🗣️, 'The Lord ✝️ needs them 🐎🐎 ,' and he 👨 will send 📮 them 🐎🐎 at once."
They 👬 brought 🤝 the donkey and the colt 🐎🐎 and put 👇 on them 🐎🐎 their cloaks 🧥, and he ✝️ sat 🪑 on them 🐎🐎. Most 💯 of the crowd 👪 spread 👌 their cloaks 🧥🧥 on the road 🛣️ , and others 👪 cut ✂️ branches 🌴🌴🌴 from the trees 🌴🌴🌴 and spread 👌 them on the road 🛣️ . And the crowds 👪👪 that went before him 👪👪✝️ and that followed him ✝️👪👪 were shouting 🗣️, "Hosanna 🗣️ to the Son 👦 of David! ✡️ Blessed 🙏🏻 is he 👦 who comes 💦 in the name of the Lord! ✝️ Hosanna 🗣️ in the highest ☁️!" And when ⏱️ he ✝️ entered Jerusalem ✡️, the whole 👌 city 🌆 was stirred up 🗣️☁️, saying 🗣️, "Who ❓ is this? ⁉️" And the crowds 👪👪 said, "This 👇 is the prophet 🗣️ Jesus ✝️✝️✝️, from Nazareth ✡️ of Galilee. ✡️"
🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴