Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
I'm Harambe, and this is my zoo enclosure. I work here with my zoo keeper and my friend, cecil the lion. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know WHO is gonna come over that fence.
I found a dildo in my mom's closet when I was 7 😔😔 shit was scary .. 'cause I thought it was a real, I ain't know 😢 I thought it was a real nigga dick in the closet 😢 and I wasn't out searchin' 👀 for dicks 👷 the dick found me 😩 I was in the closet lookin' for snacks 😢 I saw a penis 😔 shit was huge 😔 .. and I was scared boy 😰 I ain't know what to do 😢 . . . so I took it and put it in my shoe box and waited for my dad to come home from work 😐😐 I had to tell somebody 😐 you don't just FIND dicks everyday in the closet 😢😢 and I didn't just put it in the shoebox and walk away .. no 😐 it was too risky 😐 . . . I carried that muhfucka with me everywhere I went like luggage 😢 .. my brother said "... What's in the box reo--" "NOT DICK 😩" 😐😐 And I think that sorta gave it away 😐 but I ain't know no better 😐 I was 7 😢 .. I'm in the bathroom takin shits next to the dick 😐😐 eatin' cereal with the muhfucka 😐😐 I asked the dick if it was hungry 😐😐 . . . Then finally my dad comes home 😐😐 I said "Dad follow me 😐" .. I went in the garage 😐😐 I put the box on the table 😐😐 I said "Dad there's a peterwhacker in the package 😐" . . . He said "What?" "THERE'S A DICK IN THE BOX DAD I DON'T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE 😩" .. my dad opened the box, he said "What the fuck? Romeo where you find this at!" I said "I don't know dad 😐 it was in the box with the shoes you got me 😐" he said "Romeo . . . Where 😐😐 did you get 😐😐 the peterwhacker 😐😐" .. "It was in mom's closet dad ! I was lookin' for snacks 😩" .. I snitched 😢 Now I'm thinkin' my mom goin' to jail for cuttin' a nigga dick off and puttin' it in the closet 😢
So me and my dad in the living room .. my dad standing up, waitin' for my mom to come home with the dick behind his back 😐😐😐 like this was normal 😐 I said "Dad I don't think you should hold it like that 😐" he said "SHUDDUP Romeo" 😐😐 My mom unlock the door, my dad throw it at her 🍆😲 it hit her lip 😲 .. he said "WTF IS THAT TASHA !" .. my mom had groceries in her hand too 😐 she said "What" he said "THE BIG ASS DICK ROMEO FOUND IN YO CLOSET ! HE PUT IN HIS SHOEBOX" 😲😲😲😲 oooh you snitchin' ass muhfucka 😲😲 I trusted you 😲😲 you bald 😲😲 pecan head muhfucka 😲😲 my mom looked right at me 😐 .. "WTF YOU DOING IN MY CLOSET ROMEO!" .. 😐😐 I said "WHY YOU CUTTING PEOPLE PETERWHACKERS 🍆 OFF MOM" .. son , when I tell you she beat my ass with that peterwhacker boy 😢 like I ain't even do nothin' 😢 I was so mad 😢 I went in my room and called the cops 😐 I said "Hello 😐 yeah my mom got somebody dick her closet 😐" .. I snitched 😐 I had to 😐 she beat my ass with a dick, what was I supposed to do 😢
After weeks of sexual tension and a few events, I came to the conclusion that I’m in love with my mom. She gives me butterflies like no one before and kissing her feels so natural. I envision us being together and possibly giving her a kid. The other night we were laying in bed together and started making out (this is basically a nightly occurrence now) I was on top of her grinding on her pussy and I basically just said “mom I’m in love with you.” It kind of caught her of guard and her response was “what do u mean” and I explained to her that I wanted her to be my girl and spend our lives together. She said “fuck I wanna be yours forever” and we started making out a lot quicker and I fingered her pussy for a while before she said she needed to shower. I’m still not sure of our future but she knows how I feel about her.
So i, a 30 y/o male usually uses my dildo each day, and yesterday, i slipped in the shower and fell on it. It got stuck up my ass, which i had to go to the hospital to get it taken out. Reddit, please help me determine whether im gay or not for accidentally falling on my dildo.
Part I
I was born into a family of non-yeeters. Every morning before I went to school my father would say, "if I ever find out that you've hit that yeet, I'll thump ya."
"Yes, pa," I would always reply. It was a regular occurrence for him to burst into my room unannounced while I was relaxing or doing homework.
"Y'all hitting that yeet?" he would seeth.
"No, pa," I would answer.
"Good." He would then walk out the room and shout, "If I ever catch ya, it's a thumpin'."
It was a difficult upbringing. I had seen my friends hittin' that yeet at school, and many of them encouraged me to partake.
I would swallow my pride. "No thanks. I don't wanna catch a thumpin' from pa." As a result, I was an outcast. A loner. I became depressed, knowing that I would never be like my peers, I would never fit in - I would never hit that yeet.
One day, when I was still but a wee lad, I became curious. I was in my room, watching Instagram videos of fellas my age hittin' that yeet all over town without a care in the world. My intentions got the better of me. I stood up, my knees trembling. Carefully, I leaned onto my right foot and raised my hand in the air.
I breathed in.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!"
My father burst from my closet. "I told you I'd thump ya if I ever caught you hittin' that yeet, nibba," he ejaculated. Then, he thumped me.
I haven't hit that yeet since.PART II
Until today. This morning was my father's funeral. At the procession, my brother asked me to say a few words. I told him I only needed one.
With confidence, I approached the podium. I gazed out upon the gathering of sad faces. I cleared my throat and leaned into the microphone.
"Yeet," I spake.
Suddenly, my father leapt from his hand-crafted mahogany coffin, the gunshot wound still in his chest. He sprinted up to the podium with the energy of a man without a gunshot wound in his chest.
"Y'all hittin' that dirty fuckin' yeet at my funeral?" he ejaculated. He raised his hand to thump me.
"Not so fast, pa." I grabbed his hand. "Yaint thumpin' no mo'."
My father looked at me with eyes as open as the gunshot wound in his chest. A tear fell from his right eye, which also had a monocle. "The student becomes the teacher," he said.
"The student becomes the yeetcher," I corrected him. 
You read the title, I just cannot believe I said the “g” word on accident. Am I even an atheist anymore? I don’t like religion or anything but like maybe it infiltrated me and is manipulating me to say “oh my g*d” instead of “oh my science”. Please guys it wasn’t me, I didn’t mean it. I’m very disappointed in myself, I think I need to go to science camp or go to therapy. What if I’m secretly religious? what should I do? Is my foreskin going to fall off?? Please can someone give me advice, any advice is appreciated.
Best regards,
-an atheist(?)