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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

Sports direct mug

    Sports Direct mug copypasta

    From a response by u/dazedan_confused to another user asking for context on the Sports Direct mug.

    Picture the scene. You're at a sports store. You've got your gym gear, a bag, some accessories, some cut price clothes, even some oversized umbrellas that scream "I play golf", even though they're impractical outside of the course.

You're sure you have everything, but you just feel... Empty. What is it? Are you lacking a football, placed conveniently in the "Parent doesn't want kid to cause a scene, so fuck it, just get it to shit him up" section of the store? Is it a set of colouring pencils? Is it a fucking massive calculator that belongs to a giant in the 90s, emblazoned, ever so offensively with the sports direct logo?

And then.... It hits you. Behind the staff at the checkout. Time stands still. Everyone around you fades out of irrelevance. It starts glowing. "Hello", it sings, "Is it me you're looking for?"

My friend, you have just seen it. The chalice of champions. The cup of conquerors. The mug of monarchs. My friend, your eyes have been blessed with a mug that defies your expectations. It's so far away, but it looks like it's closer. Your mind boggles; it's next to items that seem disproportionately smaller, or it is disproportionately larger. It's confusing, what is this? And why is it out in the wild?

That, my friend, is a Sports direct mug.

Do we know how much it holds? Who knows. Is it healthy to expect to drink that much of any beverage? Almost certainly not. However, you don't care. You occupy the right percentage of the earth, you want to stand out among those pint 250ml drinkers. You have too much taste to buy a Humvee, but you want it's mug equivalent. You *want *to take up the space in the cupboard. You want to restrict the places your mug can go. You want people to be impressed by how much coffee you are drinking. You want everyone's eyes to be drawn to you in the 10am meeting. You want the Sports direct mug.

And if you think you have the willpower to refrain from buying one, my dear friend, you're about as naive as a flipped evian. You may be able to show restraint, but it'll find you. In the office. At a neighbour's house. In the garage. It knows where you live, and it wants to know why you didn't take it home.

You don't just drink in a sports direct mug. You invite your tongue to swim in a sports direct mug.

    The perfect pizza

      mid century
      byu/thesitekick incomedyheaven
      I remember those chairs, I used to work at Pizza Hut in the mid 80s. It was a busy place for a while but everything changed when one of the managers began to act in ways none of us could understand. There was an oven with a gas leak and after that he seemed to lose himself. He would talk about the perfect pizza every day and nothing else mattered to him. His eyes would drift and his words were strange.

One night we opened for business and he had come in early. We found him covered in dough with sauce smeared across his arms and cheese stuck to his clothes. He said he was ready to become the pizza. Before we could stop him he tried to push himself into the oven. He did not make it.

The owners shut the restaurant down the very next day. They told the public he slipped and fell and the official report said nothing more. A short note ran in the local paper. That was all anyone outside heard. The town knew the truth though. Everyone carried it in silence.

      Fascist story

        Comment
        byu/blahdash-758 from discussion
        inmemesopdidnotlike
        She woke up early in the morning, the sun shining softly upon her bare fascism. She went downstairs for breakfast, her fascism bouncing fascistically with every step. She knew that today was the day when her fascism would finally be embraced fascistically by the entire office. She looked particularly forward to Adolf’s reaction, somehow his sly, fascistic glances remixed her of her younger fascist days spent fascisting across the hills and valleys of her old fascist hometown. His looks thrilled her in a way that was fascistically similar, but more mature, more…fascist
        Fascistnating story!

        I had a friend who had never cracked his knuckles

          Comment
          byu/Deep_Insect from discussion
          inexplainlikeimfive
          Kinda off topic but when I was around 17 I had a friend who had never cracked his knuckles. I’ve cracked mine for as long as I can remember. But he let me ball his hand into a fist, push my palm against the part between his knuckles and first joint across his fist. It was so loud, so satisfying, virgin knuckles cracked so loud it literally echoed in the room. He didn’t like it and never let me do it again, but I still remember, Jeremy. The feeling of your hand basically exploding in my palm is a feeling I’ll remember forever.

          Already lost my job due to BF6..

            Battlefield 6 copypasta
            source
            I’ve been working as a security guard at my local mall for 7 years. Since the beta came out all I’ve been thinking about is BF6. Played pretty much non stop, called off work for 4 days straight (not a big deal Jerry does it all the time). My first day back was today, and of course all I’ve been thinking about is BF6. In the midst of my fantasizing about battlefield (almost) coming back to its core, I was rudely interrupted by a radio call of an old man who passed out in JC Penny. Without hesitation, I ran tactically through the mall, clearing corners and combat sliding through doorways. I made it to the old man and immediately held X to drag and revive him. I dragged him a few feet and pulled an emergency EpiPen out of my cargo pocket, stabbing him in the stomach. I felt like an absolute hero, like all my training this past weekend had paid off. When the paramedics and police showed up I patiently awaited my commendation medal, and was advised that I had actually killed the old man. I simply replied “sounds like a skill issue.”

I’m now not only unemployed but being charged with attempted murder. I’m currently in jail with a $500,000 bond, but I quickly figured out how to kiester my phone. Hoping BF6 comes out on mobile so I can still play.

Anyone else going through something similar?

            How to deal with unsportsmanlike player at chess club?

              You average chess enjoyer
              Archive of original

              Its from a deleted post on r/chess asking for advice on dealing with a a chess club member who is unsportsmanlike and weird to others. The post instantly became a meme and was circlejerk within the chess community.

              Theres a very unsportsmanlike player at our club who constantly taunts and belittles everyone else. Whenver you make a mistake he yells out "blunder!" or "inaccuracy!" ... "better move was..." and then says the engine move or what he thinks the engine move is. He also says what he thinks the engine +- is. He plays the kings gambit as much as he can and knows like 30 moves deep into every variation. If you respond something other than e5 to 1.e4 he just laughs and calls you a patzer.

He's also OBSESSED with Hikaru Nakamura. He talks about him all the time and shows everyone a picture of him with Hikaru (Its really blurry so its hard to tell if its even him). He's constantly talking about him as if he's a close friend even though he only (maybe?) met him one time. Its bordering on creepy and makes everyone uncomfortable. He calls him "Hikaru-San" which I think is part of his obsession with Japanese culture. He also brings japanese noodles/Ramen to the club every day and will spend like 5-10 minute eating them during his turn just to taunt you. Meanwhile he will be mumbling words in japanese.

We tried approaching about his conduct but he just did some weird anime villain laugh, yelled something in Japanese, then ran off to challenge another person to a blitz match. We obviously don't want to tell him not to come but it feels like his presence is deterring new people from joining and its also exhuasting.

              How to deal with a sportsmanlike player at my club.

              How to deal with a sportsmanlike player at my club.
              byu/johnnyfuckinghobo inAnarchyChess
              There is this very sportsmanlike player at my club who always praises and encourages everyone. Whenever someone makes a decent move he always yells out "brilliancy!!" Or "that was way better than my idea...." And then says you must have spotted the top engine move. He also tells everyone how they must have the biggest pipi in the room, plus or minus. He only plays the bongcloud and if you respond with anything other than e4 to 1.e5 he says you're very creative and asks if you'll teach him the line.

He's also OBSESSED with Eric Rosen and shows everyone a picture of him with Eric (it's really blurry but it just makes him really happy to share it). He's constantly talking about him, but everyone is cool about it because he backs off if you ask him politely. The only time it gets a little creepy is when he refers to him as "Daddy Rosen". But everyone looks past that because he always shows up with donuts and snacks to share. He distributes them during his opponent's time even though he could be calculating at the board.

We tried approaching him about his conduct and had a real down to earth conversation about the "Daddy Rosen" thing and he quoted Marcus Aurelius and said that he'll exercise more self control. We really love it when this guy comes to the club but we're all too shy to say anything. We're just worried that the club is going to get too popular if he keeps bringing free donuts for everyone.