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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.


Most ‘sex education’ past the basics relies on linux user logic

    Started from a 10th Dentist post on Reddit, it has become a meme for its jab at Linux user and its absurdities.

    Most 'sex education' past the basics relies on linux user logic (it doesn't work in practice)

So I was at a furry convention a couple months ago and I was at a panel where a guy was explaining how he fit insanely huge dildos up his ass. To be fair, the guy was a bit drunk explaining it but the panel just didn't convince me. He tried to convince the audience how asshole stretching is a myth, how the inside of the anus will over time reshape itself to accommodate extremely large dragon dildos, how you absolutely need to use certain kinds of lubricants or the dildo will be entirely ruined by depolymerization, how you need to be constantly paying attention to what you're doing or you fuck things up (like how his surgeon once shaped the inside of his ass back to normal, which fucked up years of training his anus to accommodate the dildos) etc etc etc...

It really struck me how much of it seemed exactly like the kinds of rationalizations a linux user might come up with. You need to constantly be doing everything perfectly and any fuck up is because you weren't informed enough, therefore it's entirely your fault. There's also the exact same extremely opinionated takes on every topic - literally when someone tries to convince me to use something like GNOME or Wayland on Linux, I think back to how hard that panelist was trying to push buying dildos from Etsy businesses instead of Bad Dragon. I think in any community that encourages black and white thinking, whatever information is provided will inevitably only help those who obsess over minutae while providing a bad experience for anyone else... which in my controversial opinion describes kink spaces pretty accurately.

    I fucked a DVD.

      isn't the hole of a dvd pretty small?
      Source
      Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it started being painful. My pp was stuck in the dvd, and I had to break it in half to get if out. It was then when I flipped the broken dvd over and realized that it was not a blank dvd, but a copy of the movie UP.

Well guys, guess I fucked up.

      She just keeps winning.

        Source
        This is an update regarding my friend Sara. As some of you may or may not have known, I have a friend who started playing Limbus and she's infinity better then me at everything. I grew to be spiteful of her secretly praying on her downfall rubbing my hands hoping she fails every clash and every mirror dungeon run she does. Praying every extract is absolutely dog ass. Anyways. Recently she got to Canto 4, and she mentioned getting a new Ishmael ID. This was Sloshing Ismael. Seeing as she was new to the game I see my opportunity and took it. I told her Sloshing Ishmael was The best Ishmael ID and she believed it! She fell for it!! So naive!! How do you like that Sara!? Huh!? And to make it better she was fighting Dongbaek (my wife), and was stuck on her for awhile! (My pookie was helping me) As for me it didn't take me long (she let me win) so not only did I trick her but I was AHEAD OF HER. Things were finally looking up for me!! For once, I had... hope. And then...T-Corp Rodion and Don Came out. Now I love Don Quixote...I love Rodion but Don Quixote is my love. My wife. My pookie. I saw her and I had to get her. I rolled and rolled. But I.... didn't get her. Big Hat Don didn't come home.....But Sara.... Sara got Her first try... there's another person too we'll name him Jacob....they both Got TCorp Don....FUCK YOU JACOB!!!! My life is....Over ...My glory was short lived....I miss Dongbaek....I miss Don..... I'm..... empty now.... there's nothing left for me..... I'm....washed.....Sara noticed how bummed I was about not getting TDon and offered me to use hers as a support. The auDACITY to give me her sloppy seconds....was this truly how low she thought of me? I don't want any handy downs. I would much rather suffer without any TCorp Dons. However due to recent consideration....I realized Sara...perhaps I....treated you too harshly....maybe....we can rekindle our friendship. If you're reading this I'm sorry for the one sided beef but not really. There's.... someone else.... Jacob. If you're reading this, which you most likely are.... You know what you are, and what you did. Your days have been numbered. Count your second, and your minutes. Sleep with one eye open.... I'm always lurking....

        I saw a Warhammer Dev at a Waitrose store in Horsham yesterday.

          Parody of the Flying Lotus copypasta but edited to fit the narrative from a post on r/totalwar where a player meet a dev.

          I saw a Warhammer Dev at a Waitrose store in Horsham yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

          CookieRun Kingdom saved my life

            Started as rants from r/CookieRunKingdoms about how unoptimized the game is on players phones.

            Crk saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up cookie run. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Black Lemonade, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Devsis. Crk saved my life.
            This is really heart warming a similar thing happened to me. I was in a hostage situation l, tied to a chair while being beaten and tortured after all of that happened I slowly but surely slipped out of the tied knot that was on my wrists. I could hear the kidnappers coming back so I didn't have much but then something clicked "CRK!" That was it so I pulled out my phone loaded CRK and put the most laggy cookies on a team hit play and threw my phone at the kidnappers. All I could hear was a big boom and was flash banged and then lights out. Next thing I know I wake up in the Hospital with an amputated leg and severe damage to my right arm but still usable. Unfortunately the kidnappers survived and were convicted. The kidnappers were two people named Ginger Brave (Who would name a child that must have been bullied) and Dragon Lord Cacao (Whoever this dude's parents are jail them). Thanks to this game's poor optimization I lived but with some damage to my body and mental trauma. Thanks Devsis.

            WuWa saved my life

            WuWa saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up Wuthering Waves. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Yinlin's ult, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Kurogames. WuWa saved my life.

            The Milk Route

              Today I had a weird dream where there was a fourth Undertale route called The Milk Route. The requirements to trigger this route were similar to the pacifist route, which is to spare everyone, then go to Grillby's bar and approach him, who will serve us a glass of milk instead of alcohol as Frisk is too young to drink. Frisk will then drink milk and ask for more until Grillby gets out of stock. After that, our character gets drunk on milk. The sprite will change, showing Frisk with a drunken smile. As we leave the bar, Sans asks us what happened to us, we become milk addicts and our mission will be to search milk in the Underground instead of confronting Asgore. In one scene, Toriel and Papyrus blames Sans for the irresponsibility of getting a child drunk, which Sans will deny. We'll also see scenes where Flowey goes berserk over the player's quest for milk in the Underground, instead of doing everything according to his plans. A cutscene also shows Frisk being swept away by a river as we falls into it, taking us completely away from the main goal. The final boss is then Flowey in his normal form, who has gone lunatic after we've found ourselves in a remote location. Our only healing items were milk, and we were unable to act. The fight ended with Frisk eating Flowey, and the game ended with Frisk falling to the ground. A black background with text asking us how we could have messed up our gameplay so badly. Another alternate ending showed Frisk and Asriel in his god form both getting drunk and singing together.