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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

Fábio Coentrão “There’s a method to his madness.”

    This story was originally written by Javier Aznar for GQ referencing Fabio Coentrao substituting for Real Madrid vs Atleti match. The story was originally in Spanish and is best known simply as the Fabio Coentrao copypasta.

    SUNDAY, three days for the match

Fabio Coentrao is in a tank top in his living room, laying on the couch, watching a repeat of 'The Simpsons' while rolling a cigarette. His phone rings. He places the cigarrette on his ear and pick up the phone with some reluctance.

Coentrao: [dry cough] Yes?
Ancelotti: Fabio? How are you. I am the manager. I think we need you for the next week. Marcelo is suspended.
Coentrao: [Covers the handset with one hand and whispers a pair of swear words in Portuguese. Breathes deeply. Checks his agenda. Gets back on the phone more calmed] When will it be? Thursday I can't. Poker game with the lads.
Ancelotti: No. There's no Champions on Thursday. On Wednesday. Against Atleti.
Coentrao: In Bilbao?
Ancelotti: No, Fabio. Against last year's team. The ones from Lisbon.
Coentrao: [Writes down the date in an empty box of pizza] OK, mister. On Wednesday, I'll be there. Call me a cab, I'm still without my driving license. Do I need to go to Valdebebas these days?
Ancelotti: Mmmm. It wont be necessary. As long as you're ready for Wednesday it'll be fine. I count on you, eh. By the way, Benzema is injured. Chicharito will play.
Coentrao: Who?
Ancelotti: Chicharito. The Mexican who came this summer. The one who has been training with us since October? Well, nevermind. I'll introduce you on Wednesday. Don't forget to bring a white shirt.
Coentrao: Ok, boss.

Coentrao hangs up and sighs. There is smoke in the room. He starts looking for his boots through piles of clothes, dolls made ​​with cans of beer and Chinese food leftovers. He doesn't remember where he put them the last time. He doesn't even remember his last game. Smells the white shirt. Ugh.

MONDAY, two days before the match

The phone rings again. 12:36 in the morning. Fabio's hand emerge from the sheets trying to reach the nightstand. Who will call such an ungodly hour? There must be an emergency.

Ronaldo: Fabio, I'm Cris. How you doing monster. Did I wake you up?
Coentrao: [With sleepy voice but pretending to be awake] Hey, Cris. Nothing nothing. Nah, don't worry. I was doing some pushups.
Ronaldo: Hey, as the mister said, we need you strong for Wednesday. Like the old times.
Coentrao: Yes, yes. Claro. Count on it. He also told me that we play with a Colombian. Chapulín or something like that.
[Awkward silence]
Ronaldo: This ... yes. That's him. Get fit, man. We are all counting on you.
Coentrao: Tranqui, tron.

TUESDAY, one day before the match

Fabio goes to the park in front of his house to jog a little. He wears some New Balance sneakers he used to play tennis in 98 and a shirt with "What happens in Cascais stays in Cascais." written on it. After doing some stretching, runs 10 minutes and starts coughing. Well, enough for today, he thinks while he checks his heart rate. Subjecting the body to great efforts before the game could be damaging. So unprofessional.

Turns on the TV and Barça is playing against PSG. Didn't they play this year already? Thinks a confused Fabio. He laughs every time the camera focuses on David Luiz's hair.

WEDNESDAY, gameday

Fabio gets to the stadium by taxi. He doesn't remember very well where's the entrance to the locker room. A nice gentleman named Chendo accompanies him to his locker. He dresses. He senses the tense atmosphere in the locker room. They will play with Sergio Ramos in the midfield, which sounds strange. But Fabio never asks questions. He just follows orders. There's a guy by his side with the #14 praying on his knees. Xabi Alonso looks different. Maybe he shaved.

He steps onto the pitch and right as the Champions League anthem starts, Fabio turns. He fights every ball. He leaves it all on the pitch. Spectacular. After 87 minutes, the praying guy scores. He seems excited. Public chants a strange name. Spanish is a weird language, Fabio thinks while he crashes with Raúl García after a split ball.

Minute 90. Subbed off. The public recognizes his effort.

He showers and Ancelotti congratulates him.

Ancelotti: Huge game, Fabio. Coentrao: Thank you, mister. It's not important. Here I am for what you need. Call me for the second leg.

Ancelotti is puzzled but prefers to say nothing. Coentrao leaves the Bernabeu without saying goodbye to anyone or talking to the press, lights a Lucky Strike and tries to stop a taxi.

Ancelotti shakes his head and smiles. Opens a pack of gum, arching an eyebrow, and starts chewing while he mumbles: "There's a method to his madness."

    Original (Spanish)

    Coentrao: [Tos ronca] ¿Sí?
Ancelotti: ¿Fabio? Qué tal. Soy el míster. Creo que te necesitamos para la semana que viene. Marcelo está sancionado.
Coentrao: [Tapa el auricular con una mano y susurra un par de tacos ahogados en portugués. Respira hondo. Mira la agenda del móvil. Vuelve a ponerse al teléfono algo más sereno] ¿Para cuándo sería? El jueves no puedo. Tengo partida de póker con los muchachos.
Ancelotti: No. El jueves no hay Champions. El miércoles. Contra el Atleti.
Coentrao: ¿En Bilbao?
Ancelotti: No, Fabio. Contra los del año pasado. Los de Lisboa.
Coentrao: [Apunta la fecha y la hora del partido en la caja vacía de una pizza] OK, míster. El miércoles estaré por ahí. Llamadme un taxi que sigo sin carnet. ¿Hace falta que me pase estos días por Valdebebas.
Ancelotti: Mmmm. Creo que no. Con que estés el miércoles un rato antes, me vale. Cuento contigo, eh. Por cierto, también va a ser baja Benzema. Juega Chicharito.
Coentrao: ¿Quién?
Ancelotti: Chicharito. El mexicano que vino este verano. ¿Uno que lleva entrenando con gorro desde octubre? Bueno, nada, déjalo. Te lo presento el miércoles. Tú no te olvides de llevar una camiseta blanca.
Coentrao: Oído, jefe.

Coentrao cuelga y suspira. Hay una humareda en el salón que trata de apartar con aspavientos. Empieza a buscar sus botas entre montones de ropa, muñecos hechos con latas de cervezas y comida china a domicilio. No se acuerda de dónde las puso por última vez. Ni siquiera se acuerda de su último partido. Huele la camiseta blanca. Uf.

LUNES, a dos días del partido Vuelve a sonar el teléfono de casa. Son las 12:36 del mediodía. Una mano de Fabio emerge del edredón tratando de alcanzar el teléfono de la mesita de noche. ¿Quién llamará a esas horas intempestivas? Debe de tratarse de una urgencia.

Ronaldo: Fabio, soy Cris. Cómo andas, monstruo. ¿Te he despertado?
Coentrao: [Con voz somnolienta pero aparentando estar despierto] Hey, Cris. Nada, nada. Qué va, tranquilo. Me has pillado aquí, haciendo unas flexiones.
Ronaldo: Oye, como ya te habrá comentado el míster, te necesitamos fuerte para el miércoles. Como en los viejos tiempos.
Coentrao: Sí, sí. Claro. Cuenta con ello. También me ha dicho que juega un colombiano. Un tal Chapulín.
[Silencio incómodo]
Ronaldo: Esto…sí. El mismo. Ponte en forma, tío. Contamos todos contigo.
Coentrao: Tranqui, tron.

MARTES, víspera de partido Fabio sale a correr por el parque que tiene enfrente de casa. Lleva unas New Balance viejas que usaba para jugar al tenis en el 98 y una camiseta de “Lo que pasa en Cascais se queda en Cascais”. Tras hacer unos estiramientos, corre 10 minutos y comienza a toser. Bueno, por hoy será suficiente_, piensa mientras se mide las pulsaciones. Podría ser contraproducente someter al cuerpo a grandes esfuerzos en vísperas del partido. Hasta poco profesional._

Enciende la televisión y está jugando el Barça contra el PSG. ¿Pero estos no jugaron este año ya? piensa un Fabio confundido. Se ríe cada vez que la cámara enfoca el pelo de David Luiz.

MIÉRCOLES, día del partido Llega al estadio en taxi. No se acuerda muy bien de por dónde se accede al vestuario. Un señor simpático llamado Chendo le acompaña hasta su taquilla. Se viste. Nota el ambiente tenso en el vestuario. Van a jugar con Sergio Ramos de mediocentro, lo que le suena algo extraño. Pero Fabio nunca hace preguntas. Solo cumple órdenes. Hay un chico a su lado que lleva el 14 que se pone a rezar de rodillas. Qué raro está Xabi Alonso. Se ha debido de afeitar.

Salta al campo y, cuando empieza a sonar el himno de la Champions, Fabio se transforma. Pelea todos los balones. Salta a por todas. Va al choque. Se deja la piel. Llega, centra y hace coberturas. Está espectacular. En el minuto 87, marca gol el chico que rezaba de rodillas. Parece emocionado. El público corea un nombre extraño. Qué difícil es el castellano piensa Fabio mientras salta por los aires tras un balón dividido con Raúl García.

Es sustituido en el minuto 90 y el público reconoce su esfuerzo.

Se ducha y recibe la enhorabuena de Ancelotti.

Ancelotti: Enorme partido, Fabio.
Coentrao: Gracias, míster. No tiene importancia. Aquí estoy para lo que necesite. Llámeme para el partido de vuelta.

Ancelotti se queda desconcertado pero prefiere por no decir nada. Coentrao abandona el Bernabéu, sin despedirse de nadie ni hablar con la prensa, mientras se enciende un Lucky Strike y trata de parar un taxi en la Castellana.

Ancelotti sacude la cabeza y esboza una sonrisa mientras le ve marchar. Abre un paquete de chicles, arquea una ceja, y se echa a la boca ocho chicles mientras musita entre dientes: "Hay método en su locura".

    back in university for engineering, elon was revered by my classmates as a genius who revolutionized electric vehicle travel

      back in university for engineering, elon was revered by my classmates as a genius who revolutionized electric vehicle travel. i don’t know enough about cars or the key differences between internal combustion and electric motors, so i took them at their word for it.

then i started getting invites to watch spacex launches, being told that he’s revolutionized space travel and we would be travelling to the moon commercially in my lifetime. i don’t know enough about space travel to say whether or not that’s true, so i took them at their word for it and cheered on some rocket explosions with my friends

then elon bought twitter, and started talking about how he would revolutionize social media. i happen to know a great deal about software, and let me tell you, this dumb prick says some of the stupidest shit i’ve ever heard about application development . it was at that moment that i reevaluated my opinion on tesla and spacex, and rightly labelled elon as the con artist he is

      Last quarter I rolled out Microsoft Copilot to 4,000 employees. I called it “digital transformation.”

        Last quarter I rolled out Microsoft Copilot to 4,000 employees.

$30 per seat per month.

$1.4 million annually.

I called it "digital transformation."

The board loved that phrase.

They approved it in eleven minutes.

No one asked what it would actually do.

Including me.

I told everyone it would "10x productivity."

That's not a real number.

But it sounds like one.

HR asked how we'd measure the 10x.

I said we'd "leverage analytics dashboards."

They stopped asking.

Three months later I checked the usage reports.

47 people had opened it.

12 had used it more than once.

One of them was me.

I used it to summarize an email I could have read in 30 seconds.

It took 45 seconds.

Plus the time it took to fix the hallucinations.

But I called it a "pilot success."

Success means the pilot didn't visibly fail.

The CFO asked about ROI.

I showed him a graph.

The graph went up and to the right.

It measured "AI enablement."

I made that metric up.

He nodded approvingly.

We're "AI-enabled" now.

I don't know what that means.

But it's in our investor deck.

A senior developer asked why we didn't use Claude or ChatGPT.

I said we needed "enterprise-grade security."

He asked what that meant.

I said "compliance."

He asked which compliance.

I said "all of them."

He looked skeptical.

I scheduled him for a "career development conversation."

He stopped asking questions.

Microsoft sent a case study team.

They wanted to feature us as a success story.

I told them we "saved 40,000 hours."

I calculated that number by multiplying employees by a number I made up.

They didn't verify it.

They never do.

Now we're on Microsoft's website.

"Global enterprise achieves 40,000 hours of productivity gains with Copilot."

The CEO shared it on LinkedIn.

He got 3,000 likes.

He's never used Copilot.

None of the executives have.

We have an exemption.

"Strategic focus requires minimal digital distraction."

I wrote that policy.

The licenses renew next month.

I'm requesting an expansion.

5,000 more seats.

We haven't used the first 4,000.

But this time we'll "drive adoption."

Adoption means mandatory training.

Training means a 45-minute webinar no one watches.

But completion will be tracked.

Completion is a metric.

Metrics go in dashboards.

Dashboards go in board presentations.

Board presentations get me promoted.

I'll be SVP by Q3.

I still don't know what Copilot does.

But I know what it's for.

It's for showing we're "investing in AI."

Investment means spending.

Spending means commitment.

Commitment means we're serious about the future.

The future is whatever I say it is.

As long as the graph goes up and to the right.

        Downloaded the virus for Linux. Unzipped it. Installed it under root. It didn’t start. Spent 2 hours googling

          Originally in Russian from a journal log in 2017, its a story of how the Linux user tried to download and run a virus but literally can’t. The story had been translated and became a meme within the Linux community.

          Downloaded the virus for Linux.

Unzipped it.

Installed it under root.

It didn't start. Spent 2 hours googling. Realised that the virus instead of /usr/local/bin installed itself into /usr/bin where user malware does not have the write permissions. That's why the virus could not create a process file.

Found the patched .configure and .make files on the Chinese site. Recompiled, reinstalled. Virus announced that it needs the cmalw-lib-2.0 library. Found out that cmalw-lib-2.0 only exists for CentOs, but not for Ubuntu. Googled couple of hours, found a manual how to compile .deb from source. Compiled, installed, virus happily started, beeped in a speaker and terminated with a core dump.

The hour I spent reading syslog (via Papertrail) told me that the virus thought I have ext4 and called its api to encrypt the disk. This api is deprecated in btrfs, that's why Linux realised that inconsistency and made the partition read-only.

Opened the virus source code, grep'ped the bitcoin wallet and sent $5 just out of compassion.

Went to bed...
          Downloaded a Malware for Linux lately and unpacked it.

Tried to run it as root, didn't work.

Googled for 2 hours, found out that instead of /usr/local/bin the virus unpacked to /usr/bin for which the user malware doesn't have any write permissions, therefore the malware couldn't create a process file.

Found patched.configure and make files on some Chinese forum, recompiled and rerun it.

The malware said it needs the library cmalw-lib-2.0. Turns out cmalw-lib-2.0 is shipped with CentOS but not with Ubuntu. Googled for hours again and found an instruction to build a .deb package from source.

The malware finally started, wrote some logs, made a core dump and crashed. After 1 hour of going through the logs I discovered the malware assumed it was running on ext4 and called into its disk encryption API. Under btrfs this API is deprecated. The kernel noticed and made this partition read-only.

Opened the sources, grep'ed the Bitcoin wallet and sent $5 out of pity.
          I downloaded a malware binary for Linux lately and unpacked it. Tried to run it as root, but it didn't work. Googled for 2 hours and found out that instead of /usr/local/bin, the malware unpacked to /usr/bin, for which it doesn't have any write permissions. I found a patched .configure and .make file on some Chinese forum, recompiled and re-ran it, but the malware said it needed the cmalw-lib2.0 library, which ships with CentOS but not Ubuntu. Googled for hours again and found an instruction to build a .deb package from source and installed it. The malware finally started, wrote some logs, wrote a core dump, and crashed. After 1 hour of going through the logs I discovered the malware assumed an underlying ext4 filesystem and tried to call its disk encryption API (which is deprecated under the btrfs filesystem I use) - the kernel noticed and made the partition read-only to the process. So I got fed up, opened the sources, grep'ed the Bitcoin wallet and sent $5 out of pity.

          Венда рулит, а Линух сосет… или о попытке поставить вирус на Линух

          Скачал вирусов себе на линух.
Распаковал.
Поставил под root.
Не завелись. Два часа гуглил, оказалось, вместо /usr/local/bin вирусы стали в папку /usr/bin на которую у юзера malware нет прав на запись, поэтому вирус не может создать файл процесса. Нашел на китайском сайте патченый .configure и .make, пересобрал, переустановил.</p>


Вирус заявил, что ему необходима библиотека cmalw-lib-2.0. Оказалось cmalw-lib-2.0 идет под CentOS, а под убунту ее не было. Гуглил два часа, нашел инструкцию как собрать .deb пакет либы из исходников. Собрал, поставил, вирус радостно запустился, пискнул в спикер и сделал core dump.

Час чтения syslog показал, что вирус думал, что у меня ext4 и вызывал ее api для шифрования диска. В btrfs это api deprecated поэтому линукс, заметив это непотребство, перевел раздел в рид-онли.

В сердцах открыл исходники вируса, grep'нул bitcoin кошелек, отправил туда $5 из жалости и пошел спать...

          i had a near death experience and ive left with the realization that we are losing the ancient texts in real time

            A true Vocaloid fan had a crashout after realizing that the new generation of fans (new gen) don’t recognize their classics like IA and GUMI.

            i had a near death experience and ive left with the realization that we are losing the ancient texts in real time 

okay hi sorry for the big fat wall of text i just have nobody to talk about this with </////3 mind boggling experience i had the other day i need to get this out somewhere and my friends couldnt give less of a gaf about vocaloid so. hi guys here i am. yelling into the reddit void like it's 2018 tumblr hashtags all over again

the other day i was talking to someone irl right. approached them because they had meiko and rin pins on their bag and i was #intrigued because those two happen to be my favorite cryptons. right. started having conversation with them & it was apparent they were a newer fan from the way they spoke about the fandom/their knowledge on it/their pins were in pjsk art style. which is. not a problem at all to me like i know lots of oldgen/midgen fans highkey hate newgens and like theyre justified... i suppose... but i personally have no issue. like yeah okay they know like none of my favorite songs and producers but it's honestly whatever like there is more to talk about. i guess. then freaking. eight of their friends show up out of literally nowhere and it's like yey! wahoo! more people to meet yippee. and theyre all also into vocaloid like i was feeling like those people on the hgtv show my lottery dream home. flowkirkenuinely the jackpot. so the first question one of them asks me is "oh who's your fav vsynth" i of course have to bust out the all time GOAT HIYAMA KIYOTERU. I AM HIS NUMBER ONE FAN EVER GUYS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH WE ARE TWELVE YEARS STRONG THAT IS LITERALLY WIFE. then i go on to list the rest of my (equally as important but unfortunately not nearly as loved sorry) favorite vsynths. and theyre all pretty basic honestly like sorry dont stone me to death im an oldgen fan with basic favs. he who has never sinned throw the first stone or whatever idk ive never been any leg of christian in my life. i list ia, oliver, yuki, una, gumi, aoki lapis, chis-a, meiko, rin, etc etc like i have a fat list of basics ok sorry my roster is full but it is hella basic. lock me up. and when im done i look at them and they're all jsut staring at me. theyre nice people so one of them smiled and went "oh yeah i know meiko and rin!" and i was like "yaaa theyre great" but i rly didnt wanna look like i was doing a niche-off with them because i recognize that even the most basic vsynths to an old fan could be unheard of to a newer one. right. (they were by no means THAT new as i came to learn. they also told me later on that they were hardcore in-deep fans. ...ok.) so i ask "but youve probably also heard of gumi and ia right! theyre pretty popular (in the most POLITE AND LIKE KIND TONE I COULD MUSTER. I REAAAALLLLYYYY DIDNT WANT TO SEEM LIKE I WAS TRYING TO OUTDO THEM BY ANY MEANS AUAUAUAU) haha. um but yeah what are ur guys' fav vsynths" and some other girl went "i like po-teto chip hehe" bro. the CRINGE I CRUNGED. WE ARE AT A PRETTY GIGANTIC AGE NOW YOU GUYS. WE CANNOT BE SAYING STUFF LIKE THIS. HOLY SHIT AND the others were giggling they were like "yahhhhh kween teetoh hehehehe did you know she was an april fools joek alalallalalalaaaaa mikuteto YURIIIIIIII" i was actually on the brink of tears brah. not even for liking teto ok she was one of the first vsynths i ever witnessed (the other one being ia. saw teto and ia's duet in 2014 from recordings of 2014 niconico and it altered my neuronic structure forever good lord). it was like purely for the way they spoke. you guys are the reason everyone hates us. well ok not entirely but youre a pretty huge chunk of it. ok ofc we were all like that at some point maybe not to the tee or with the exact same specs but that was in 2015 like it was ok then. now??? in the big 26 we're acting like this?? now this isnt even "be cringe and free" this is straight up a fucking assault. on who ON ME BRO ASSAULT ON ME. HAD TO SIT THROUGH THAT BULLSHIT FOR LIKE 30 MINS I WAS DEBATING DEATH. anyways and what they were doing is not even the worst part THAT IS NOT EVEN THE PUNCHLINE DUDE. one of them turns to me and said "oh yeah also who is the ee yah and gumi you mentioned idk those" and the other eight people EIGHT! nodded in agreement. so now i had to like lock in i had to put forth my kindness to all customer service waitress persona (persona mention). i said "hey i really dont want to sound pretentious (i really truly didnt) this is a genuine question um how long have ygs been fans" they all said since 2021. TWENTY TWENTY ONE TWO THOUSAND TWENTY ONE YEARS POST DEATH OF CHRIST BRO YOUVE HAD. FIVE YEARS. YOU DONT KNOW IA GUMI. IA I CAN UNDERSTAND (I REALLY CANT) BUT GUMI????? MEGPOID???????? AND THEY TOLD ME THEY WERENT EVEN CASUAL FANS EITHER + THEY WERE TALKING AND ACTING LIKE THEY WERE MILES DEEP IN THE FANDOM SO I WAS?????? APPALLED?????????? IS GUMI NOT STILL RELEVANT DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW HER????????????????? AND LIKE THEY KNEW ZERO CLASSICS. NONE. YOU'RE ALLEGEDLY WELL VERSED IN THE FANDOM ALLEGEDLY BUT YOU KNOW NOTHING BRO I WAS JUST STARING OPEN MOUTHED. LITERALLY ABOUT TO CRY DUDE I WAS HAVING PALPITATIONS.

I THOUGHT PEOPLE WERE LYING ABOUT HOW BAD NEW FANS COULD BE. NO NO THEY REALLY WERENT. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT SYNTHV TETO AND TRYING TO RACK UP AS MANY NICHE VSYNTHS AS POSSIBLE (THESE NINE CLEARLY DIDNT GET THE MEMO) AND POSING AS THOUGH YOURE SOME ANCIENT FAN THAT PREDATES THE YAMAHA COMPANY AS A WHOLE. GUYS WE NEED WE ABSOLUTELY NEED TO MAKE SOME SORT OF LIKE. CRASH COURSE. FOR NEW FANS. AND IM SURE IT'S OUT THERE THEY JUST DONT GAF. I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH NEW FANS IT'S JUST THAT EVERY INTERACTION WITH ONE KINDA MAKES ME WANT TO KMS. LITERALLY ONE OF THE MOST HARROWING EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE IT'S UP THERE WITH THAT TIME I ALMOST GOT RUN OVER BY THE METRO BECAUSE I WAS IN THE TRACKS OK LIKE IT WAS PRETTY BAD.

everything is being watered down to actual horse shit i cant even recognize the fandom i grew up in anymore this is like the house of alexandria getting burned down except there's no fire theyre just taking each book one at a time and covering it in tar.

um anyways yeah sorry if this made no sense or if it is just a fat jumble of words. wish i could say english isnt my first language but it is so. i speak spanish and japanese and cantonese #polyglotqueen so perhaps that counts for something... idk. ok. ya. thanks. needed to just. let this out. bye ok