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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

Just lost my job because I use Linux

    By u/AlarmedTowel4514, its a shitpost story on how a guy got fired for being a jerk but blamed it on coworkers hating him for using Linux

    Just lost my job because I use Linux

Long story short, was fired because I use Linux.

I work, or rather worked, at a large eu based bank. It’s a fucking windows shitfest, and no one can install any software, because of “security” reasons. Yeah right, then you probably should not use windows in the first place.

Anyway using any other operating system is completely out of the question.

I am, or rather was, somewhat of a star developer in the organization. Mainly because I was the best css engineer, but people also knew me as the “Linux guy” or “advocate”, whatever. I did take it upon me to educate and inform the other employees of how and why Linux is a better and more secure operating system.

Anyway, a month ago or so, my manager comes to me, and says that it looks like he got Linux approved for a POC phase and I was selected to be one of the first tryouts. He was really excited I could tell, probably because I been talking about and asking for approval to use Linux for the last 3 years. Naturally, I asked him how I was compensated for taking on this new massive task, and he said “I thought you would like to work with Linux? Can you please just take the opportunity”. Alright I said. We agreed that next week I could start setting it up as I would get the laptop end of week.

Fast forward to Friday, and he comes down to me with the laptop. I wondered where the flash drive was, because how am I supposed to install arch without it? Any way I open it up while he looks at me with excitement. I see Ubuntu is installed and booting. I instantly slams the laptop closed and says quietly: “I use arch…” he says “what?”. I yelled “I USE ARCH, THIS IS UBUNTU”. He says “what does that mean?”. I just take the laptop and leaves for the day. Educate yourself and you would’ve known.

Next week he comes down to me and asks me why I have canceled all meetings and blocked my calendar for the next 2 weeks. I answered: “I am ricing? Even though you inconsiderate asshole gave me Ubuntu, I still need to rice. That takes hyper focus. How do you think I became the best css engineer?”

He looked confused, I bet the idiot didn’t even know what rice is.

He snapped. Got very angry, and said something like, he was the only person in this organization who actually had my back. Not because of my skills, or knowledge, but because no one else wants to work with our css project.

He asked me to leave immediately and that I was fired…

So there it is. Can’t even use Linux without getting fired. Why do these idiots care what OS I am using, don’t you have better things to do?

    ⚠️WARNING⚠️ cock inspection is NOT required at the voting booths!!!! don’t be tricked like me!!

      this is a true story, I was the "official"

      AKA the cock inspection copypasta is a story about a gullible guy getting his penis inspected by a stranger while waiting in line. The pasta originally started in r/copypasta during the the 2020 election.

      So I was waiting in line to vote when all of a sudden this voting "official" came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my voter registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm voter identity. Because o though he was a voting official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I voted I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the security guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy voting!

      Arc Raiders

      So I was waiting to trade in my free loadout augment when all of a sudden this lance came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my raider registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm raider identity. Because I thought he was a medical official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I received the augment I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the speranza guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy raiding!

      Covid vaccination

      So I was waiting in line to receive my vaccine when all of a sudden this medical "official" came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my patient registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm patient identity. Because I thought he was a medical official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I received the vaccine I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the security guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy vaccinating!

      I saw Zohran Mamdani at a bodega in the Bronx yesterday

        Its the Flying Lotus copypasta but changed to Zohran Mamdani.

        I saw Zohran Mamdani at a bodega in the Bronx yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn't want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, "Oh, like you're doing now?" I was taken aback, and all I could say was "Huh?" but he kept cutting me off and going "huh? huh? huh?" and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like "Sir, you need to pay for those first." At first he kept saying this is what socialism is and kept smiling at us, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually "to prevent any zionist infetterence," and then turned around and winked at me. I don't even think that's a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

        I lost a chance with my classes top #3 girl due to this light yagami

          source
          Bro I lost a chance with my classes top #3 girl due to this light yagami, so back in 2017 I was in 11th class and there was this girl who was so pretty i couldn't stop looking at her, she looks back at me and smiles, well then onwards she gave me obvious signs for months, but I was watching death note back the and i use to act like whatever anime I use to watch, and i did this cringe shit with her acting like i don't care, she was so obvious I missed a kiss also, due to acting all mysterious and shit, she also asked a mutual friend of our to set her up with me, i responded the cringiest way possible, I said I don't have extra time for all this bs, after that she never even looked at me ever again.

          TIFU: Losing my Virginity to a Water Slide

            Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
            source

            By u/Skylantech to the r/tifu sub, its a story on how he got an enema from a waterslide by not crossing his legs.

            So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that". So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!

Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

            Gooning, gooning never changes.

              source
              gooning, gooning never changes. In the year 1969, my great-great grandfather, serving in the army, wondered when he get to go home to his gooning setup and the edging streak he never finish. He got his wish, when the U.S. ended chastity by dropping a gat cloud on Heteroshima and Nagaysaki. The world awaited the Goonpocalypse, instead, something miraculous happened. We began to use homoerotic energy as a nearly limitless source of power. People enjoyed fetishes once thought in the realm of hentai. Domestic sex slaves, fusion powered dildos, portable vibrators. Then, in the 21st century, people awoke from the Wet dream. Years of masturbation led to the shortages of every major resource. The entire world unraveled. Cum became a distant memory. It is now the year 2077, and we stand on the brink of total ai wars, and I am afraid, for myself, for my dildo, for my cumstained bodypillow, because if my time in the gooncave taught me one thing; is that gooning, gooning never changes.

              Gooning…. has changed.

              Gooning.... has changed.

It's no longer about rule 34, masturbation, or boobies. It's an endless series of jerkmate battles, fought by mercenaries and machines. Gooning--and it's consumption of life--has become a well-oiled machine. Gooning has changed. ID-tagged gooners carry ID-tagged dildos, use ID-tagged gear. Nanogoons inside their bodies enhance and regulate their abilities. Penis control, Booty control, vagina control, body control…everything is monitored and kept under control. Gooning…has changed.The age of deterrence has become the age of control, all in the name of averting catastrophe from weapons of mass goonbait, and he who controls the goonslop, controls history. Gooning…has changed. When the goonslop is under total control, gooning becomes routine.