Skip to content

Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

I’ll never forget the time I was skating at a local park

    It was from a post form r/Meshuggah but was deleted afterwards for being cringe and fake. 

    I'll never forget the time I was skating at a local park that is by an elementary school.

Bunch of 5th grade boys hanging out after school, playing and watching me. The "leader" of the group, you know, the kid with the spikey hair, asked me what I was listening to on my headphones.

I was as vague as possible but he pressed and finally I just gave him a listen. Within ten seconds you could see the wheels turning in his head; he was a bit bewildered. He took the headphones off and told his friends "don't mess with that dude." Lol

It wasn't Meshuggah, which is probably for the best, but it was the crescendo of Lamb of God's "Resurrection Man."

    Proboscis Luke

      Proboscis Luke started as a a post in r/copypasta and had since been a niche joke within the Star Wars fans.

      When I was a kid I had a surreal and terrifying experience watching a VHS of the special edition of Star Wars: A New Hope with my mom. I believe this was the late 90's (1998?) but I can't give an exact date so I apologize, however I was approximately 11 or 12. Basically we were watching the part of the film where they're in the Death Star. At one point when confronted by stormtroopers, Luke's nose suddenly extended grotesquely into a strange flesh-colored elephant's trunk. It then flailed around making elephant trumpet sounds scaring the stormtroopers off. I vividly remember this, and I was absolutely terrified. My mom was really jarred and confused and trying to calm me down. Leia then says "that's enough Proboscis Luke" and his nose returned to normal. The film also continued on as normal. Every subsequent viewing of our VHS was completely normal, as with every previous viewing. We had already watched the film multiple times prior to the incident so that precludes it being some strange edited copy which would be weird in and of itself.

      Meng Hao walked into the McDonald’s. “Give me… a Happy Meal!”

        It was review by ‘Zackarotto‘ which parodies a Xianxia battle scene in a fast food joint for the web novel I Shall Seal the Heavens. Web novel enthusiasts often use it as a satire to poke fun at how Chinese web novels are written.

        Meng Hao walked into the McDonald's. The cultivator taking his order gave a derisive snort, but Meng Hao did not really care, because he had repressed his aura down to the Single Patty Realm, and a fool would not be able to tell his true level of burger eating.

"Give me... a Happy Meal!"

The cultivator's face flickered before he finally regained his composure and laughed. "You couldn't afford a Happy Meal. Get lost! Don't you see that there are Double Quarter Pounder Realm eaters waiting behind you?"

Meng Hao slapped his bag of holding and threw 80 billion spirit McDonald's coupons onto the counter, causing an earthquake which demolished half of the restaurant. Everyone dropped their jaws. None could see how this was possible!

"I'll take that Happy Meal with a side order of fries, " Meng Hao said. He was as calm as the ocean in a painting of an insanely calm ocean. "And let me see your manager!"

The cashier cultivator coughed up a mouthful of ketchup. He simply could not handle Meng Hao's killing intent, because he was only at the Quarter Pounder with Cheese realm himself. Even though Meng Hao had suppressed his aura, because he had cultivated the Heavenly Burgin' Qi, this was enough to kill people a few levels higher if he truly wanted.

It was then that another man which a much more fierce aura stepped forward. "You dare make trouble here?"

"P... Patriarch Hamburglar!"

Patriarch Hamburglar was 99 cents of the way into the Big Mac Realm, plus tax! Meng Hao was pushed back two feet, knocking over a soda machine. Powerade Mountain Berry Blast geysered outward, killing several onlookers.

Of course, Mayor McCheese saw all this happen through the window.

Meng Hao coughed up a mouthful of blood, snorted, constricted his pupils, and then his expression went calm. He unleashed the aura of 64 patties, condensed down to a 2 patty stack that could fit into his mouth!

Mayor McCheese coughed up a mouthful of cheese. His pupils constricted.

"Is this... Seeking the McRib stage??"

Meng Hao had the gentle air of a scholar, but it wouldn't stop him from killing several people in a McDonald's.

"Burger Devouring Scripture! I'm Lovin' It!"

With the first keyword of the Burger Devouring Scripture, everyone below the early Quarter Pounder With Cheese stage exploded into purple mist. The light of the immense heavenly burger shone down with the contours of a golden arch as 9 illusory burgers floated around Meng Hao's body, which is probably an important xianxia number that matches the number of lakes in some sacred Chinese province I've never heard of. But that was only a fraction of Meng Hao's power. He waved his arm, bringing forth thirty more cultivation techniques that hadn't appeared in over 400 chapters!

"Heavenly Tribulation Fries! Eastern Everburning Egg McMuffin! Fruit Smoothie Guillotine! Soul McCafe Mocha Incarnation!"

Meng Hao's expression was the same as ever as he slapped his bag of holding, and brought out his karmic ketchup packet, Fry Cook Lord medallion, seventeen different wooden time spatulas, a five-coloured resurrection coupon, the silk burger wrapper, various souls of lightning McNuggets that he may or may not still have, and his mask of the legacy of Ronald McDonald. Oh, and the image of a flying Chicken Snack Wrap dragon appeared. Remember that? It was basically his Main Thing at the start of the novel, but quietly faded into irrelevance. Until now!

All of this takes some time to describe, but actually happened in the space of only a few breaths.

"What! Impossible!"

Meng Hao wanted to summon the parrot as well, but it was too overcome with eroticism by the purple fur depicted on a nearby poster of Grimace, and was busy drilling out a glory hole straight through the poster, and the wall it was pinned to, with its strong parrot erection.

But it was more than enough. The Hamburglar's soul flew out and was absorbed into his mask! He screamed as his body was destroyed completely.

Meng Hao brushed off his robe and swept up his spirit coupons and everyone's bags of holding which probably didn't have any cool sh*t inside unless I write him into a corner later, and anyways, don't worry about it for now. He surveyed the rubble that was all that remained of the McDonald's.

"Guess I'll be taking that Happy Meal... to go!"

        CookieRun Kingdom saved my life

          Started as a bunch of shitpost rants from r/CookieRunKingdoms on how unoptimized the game is for a simple mobile game.

          Crk saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up cookie run. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Black Lemonade, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Devsis. Crk saved my life.
          This is really heart warming a similar thing happened to me. I was in a hostage situation l, tied to a chair while being beaten and tortured after all of that happened I slowly but surely slipped out of the tied knot that was on my wrists. I could hear the kidnappers coming back so I didn't have much but then something clicked "CRK!" That was it so I pulled out my phone loaded CRK and put the most laggy cookies on a team hit play and threw my phone at the kidnappers. All I could hear was a big boom and was flash banged and then lights out. Next thing I know I wake up in the Hospital with an amputated leg and severe damage to my right arm but still usable. Unfortunately the kidnappers survived and were convicted. The kidnappers were two people named Ginger Brave (Who would name a child that must have been bullied) and Dragon Lord Cacao (Whoever this dude's parents are jail them). Thanks to this game's poor optimization I lived but with some damage to my body and mental trauma. Thanks Devsis.

          WuWa saved my life

          WuWa saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up Wuthering Waves. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Yinlin's ult, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Kurogames. WuWa saved my life.

          Limbus Company saved my life

          Limbus Company saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up Limbus Company. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Lord Lu's S3, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Project Moon. Limbus Company saved my life.

          This Cube Cured my Mortality

            AKA the Tungsten cube copypasta came from a satirical review on Amazon for a cube made of tungsten by Richard Behiel in 2019. Amazon had deleted the original review but it had already became a meme.

            All the people here who bought this wireless tungsten cube to admire its surreal heft have precisely the wrong mindset. I, in my exalted wisdom and unbridled ambition, bought this cube to become fully accustomed to the intensity of its density, to make its weight bearable and in fact normal to me, so that all the world around me may fade into a fluffy arena of gravitational inconsequence. And it has worked, to profound success. I have carried the tungsten with me, have grown attached to the downward pull of its small form, its desire to be one with the floor. This force has become so normal to me that lifting any other object now feels like lifting cotton candy, or a fluffy pillow. Big burly manly men who pump iron now seem to me as little children who raise mere aluminum.

I can hardly remember the days before I became a man of tungsten. How distant those days seem now, how burdened by the apparent heaviness of everyday objects. I laugh at the philistines who still operate in a world devoid of tungsten, their shoulders thin and unempowered by the experience of bearing tungsten. Ha, what fools, blissful in their ignorance, anesthetized by their lack of meaningful struggle, devoid of passion.

Nietzsche once said that a man who has a why can bear almost any how. But a man who has a tungsten cube can bear any object less dense, and all this talk of why and how becomes unnecessary.

Schopenhauer once said that every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. Tungsten expands the limits of a man’s field of vision by showing him an example of increased density, in comparison to which the everyday objects to which he was formerly accustomed gain a light and airy quality. Who can lament the tragedy of life, when surrounded by such lightweight objects? Who can cry in a world of styrofoam and cushions?

Have you yet understood? This is no ordinary metal. In this metal is the alchemical potential to transform your world, by transforming your expectations. Those who have not yet held the cube in their hands and mouths will not understand, for they still live in a world of normal density, like Plato’s cave dwellers. Those who have opened their mind to the density of tungsten will shift their expectations of weight and density accordingly.

To give this cube a rating of anything less than five stars would be to condemn life itself. Who am I, as a mere mortal, to judge the most compact of all affordable materials? No. I say gratefully to whichever grand being may have created this universe: good job on the tungsten. It sure is dense.

I sit here with my tungsten cube, transcendent above death itself. For insofar as this tungsten cube will last forever, I am in the presence of immortality.

            Just lost my job because I use Linux

              By u/AlarmedTowel4514, its a shitpost story on how a guy got fired for being a jerk but blamed it on coworkers hating him for using Linux

              Just lost my job because I use Linux

Long story short, was fired because I use Linux.

I work, or rather worked, at a large eu based bank. It’s a fucking windows shitfest, and no one can install any software, because of “security” reasons. Yeah right, then you probably should not use windows in the first place.

Anyway using any other operating system is completely out of the question.

I am, or rather was, somewhat of a star developer in the organization. Mainly because I was the best css engineer, but people also knew me as the “Linux guy” or “advocate”, whatever. I did take it upon me to educate and inform the other employees of how and why Linux is a better and more secure operating system.

Anyway, a month ago or so, my manager comes to me, and says that it looks like he got Linux approved for a POC phase and I was selected to be one of the first tryouts. He was really excited I could tell, probably because I been talking about and asking for approval to use Linux for the last 3 years. Naturally, I asked him how I was compensated for taking on this new massive task, and he said “I thought you would like to work with Linux? Can you please just take the opportunity”. Alright I said. We agreed that next week I could start setting it up as I would get the laptop end of week.

Fast forward to Friday, and he comes down to me with the laptop. I wondered where the flash drive was, because how am I supposed to install arch without it? Any way I open it up while he looks at me with excitement. I see Ubuntu is installed and booting. I instantly slams the laptop closed and says quietly: “I use arch…” he says “what?”. I yelled “I USE ARCH, THIS IS UBUNTU”. He says “what does that mean?”. I just take the laptop and leaves for the day. Educate yourself and you would’ve known.

Next week he comes down to me and asks me why I have canceled all meetings and blocked my calendar for the next 2 weeks. I answered: “I am ricing? Even though you inconsiderate asshole gave me Ubuntu, I still need to rice. That takes hyper focus. How do you think I became the best css engineer?”

He looked confused, I bet the idiot didn’t even know what rice is.

He snapped. Got very angry, and said something like, he was the only person in this organization who actually had my back. Not because of my skills, or knowledge, but because no one else wants to work with our css project.

He asked me to leave immediately and that I was fired…

So there it is. Can’t even use Linux without getting fired. Why do these idiots care what OS I am using, don’t you have better things to do?