Skip to content

Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

I saw Flying Lotus at a grocery store in Los Angeles

    The original was about Flying Lotus and many variations of celebrities came after that.
    The original was about Flying Lotus and posted on 4chan.

    The original version of the “I saw <Famous person> at a grocery store in LA” copypasta. It was based on a producer/DJ named Flying Lotus and started as a comment on a 4chan thread back in 2012. It was so absurd that people made different variations of other famous people until it became mainstream.

    I saw Flying Lotus at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
    
I saw Flying Lotus at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

    The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

    When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

    Girl invited me over to “fix her WiFi.” I agreed, obviously. I’m a red team engineer with custom firmware on my router and a Faraday cage around my smart toaster.

      It was a satirical post by u/Party-Expression4849 on about a tech nerd feeling sorry for the amount of security vulnerabilities the girl he’s helping has.

      Girl invited me over to “fix her WiFi.” I agreed, obviously. I’m a red team engineer with custom firmware on my router and a Faraday cage around my smart toaster.

I showed up 10 minutes early, hoodie on, laptop in hand, booted into a hardened gentoo distro I compiled myself. She opened the door holding a MacBook Air. Chrome had 43 tabs open. I almost left right then.

I asked for her network topology diagram. She laughed. “It’s just the router from the ISP.”
Alright, I thought. Let her have it.

I popped open her router admin panel. Default password: admin123. The SSID was "PrettyFlyForAWiFi". I ran a nmapscan. 12 exposed ports, 3 outdated IoT devices, and a printer running telnet. No firewall. No VLANs. Just raw digital nudity.

I asked if she ever noticed weird lag. She said “yeah sometimes Netflix buffers.” I said that was probably because her TV was being used in a botnet out of Kazakhstan. She blinked twice. "Oh no, is that bad?"

I offered to segment the network and install pfSense. She said she “just wanted Spotify to stop cutting out.”

I airgapped her Sonos out of pity.

After 20 minutes of work, I asked for her phone to remove TikTok and clean the app permissions. She said “but I need it for filters.”
I looked into the distance. Deep sigh. I looked out the window and whispered, "The panopticon isn’t metaphorical."
She asked if I was always this intense.
I said no, only when the NSA is listening. Which is always.

She offered coffee. I declined, caffeine raises your attack surface.

When I left, she said, “Thanks, you’re like, really good with computers.”

I walked away slow. Her router was still on UPnP. So was my heart.
You can't patch people. Believe me, I tried.

// date_night_final_final_forsure.txt.gpg
#exit

      The tree simply could not believe. At first the man had only touched it, run a finger along its bark…

        The tree simply could not believe. At first the man had only touched it, run a finger along its bark, and then without warning the man was masturbating on the tree. The tree found this a disagreeable experience and wished it would stop. The tree shook its limbs, tried to stop the man, shook and shook as if to say, No, Stop that, Bad man. But the man mistook the shaking as a sign of encouragement and began to masturbate daily on the tree.

The tree now tried reasoning with the man. It offered up lesser beings, ferns and flowers and mushrooms, all the understory of the forest, to be sacrificed to the man, this bipedal fiend. They look nice don’t they, shook the tree, but the man neither spoke nor understood Tree, and flapped his meat in response.

After Reason then the tree tried Anger. It shook free its least favorite branches, to strike the man dead, or better yet, knock him out and let the scavengers have their way with him. But the man was young, and with the agility of youth, of two-legged youth, he dodged and went on masturbating.

The years passed. The man came less often. Once a week, and then monthly, and some years the man didn’t come at all, but always he returned and the sperm soaked into the tree’s bark and the tree cried out in anguish as its spirit withered. It grew demented, yearned for suicide, but found itself surviving the periodic forest fires and thunderstorms, and no wind seemed capable of toppling it.

The years came and went. Years of drought, years of atmospheric rivers pouring down upon the tree. And each year the tree weakened and one day there was a storm and the half-mad tree shook obscenities into the storm and the storm was affronted and attacked the tree. The next day, with the storm past, the man showed, old decrepit man, scrotum for a neck, liver-spotted hands and chicken legs with gnarled veins. This old man, thin and weak, but still capable on a good day of rubbing one out. Pantless, the man was concentrating deeply when there was a loud crack and the tree fell and crushed him.

        Gabe Newell was on my flight to LA

          From r/Halflife, its the Todd Howard holding TES VI hostage story but changed to Gabe Newell holding Half Life 3 hostage unless players buy more CS2 lootboxes.

          Flying from DC to LA and Gabe was flying the same flight. I got to sit near him and told him I was a huge fan of his, especially of Half-Life. That's when he did something I would have never believed.

He pulled out his laptop and showed me the official trailer for Half-Life 3. He then asked me how many CS2 crate keys I have purchased, and I told him "Only 20, Gabe. Only 20.". That's when he did it. Gabe Newell deleted the trailer for HL3 and emptied the trash. "This was the only copy, the one I was to present at the Game Awards", he said. "Next time, do better."

He then informed me that if the new TF2 Smissmass crate doesn't sell a million keys within 48 hours they will be deleting assets to HL3, further delaying the project purposefully. They are taking it hostage and demanding a ransom.

          Todd Howard was on my flight to LA

          By u/xCosmicChaosx, its a shitpost story on how Todd Howard is holding TES VI hostage unless players buy more versions of Skyrim released by Bethesda. 

          Flying from DC to LA and Todd was flying the same flight. I got to sit near him and told him I was a huge fan of his, especially of TES. That's when he did something I would have never believed.

He pulled out his laptop and showed me the official trailer for TES: VI. He then asked me how many copies of Skyrim I have purchased, and I told him "Only 3, Todd. Only 3.". That's when he did it. Todd Howard deleted the trailer for TES VI and emptied the trash. "This was the only copy, the one I was to present at the Game Awards", he said. "Next time, do better."

He then informed me that if the new Switch 2 port of Skyrim doesn't sell a million copies within 48 hours they will be deleting assets to TES VI, further delaying the project purposefully. They are taking it hostage and demanding a ransom.

          I’ll never forget the time I was skating at a local park

            It was from a post form r/Meshuggah but was deleted afterwards for being cringe and fake. 

            I'll never forget the time I was skating at a local park that is by an elementary school.

Bunch of 5th grade boys hanging out after school, playing and watching me. The "leader" of the group, you know, the kid with the spikey hair, asked me what I was listening to on my headphones.

I was as vague as possible but he pressed and finally I just gave him a listen. Within ten seconds you could see the wheels turning in his head; he was a bit bewildered. He took the headphones off and told his friends "don't mess with that dude." Lol

It wasn't Meshuggah, which is probably for the best, but it was the crescendo of Lamb of God's "Resurrection Man."

            Proboscis Luke

              Proboscis Luke started as a a post in r/copypasta and had since been a niche joke within the Star Wars fans.

              When I was a kid I had a surreal and terrifying experience watching a VHS of the special edition of Star Wars: A New Hope with my mom. I believe this was the late 90's (1998?) but I can't give an exact date so I apologize, however I was approximately 11 or 12. Basically we were watching the part of the film where they're in the Death Star. At one point when confronted by stormtroopers, Luke's nose suddenly extended grotesquely into a strange flesh-colored elephant's trunk. It then flailed around making elephant trumpet sounds scaring the stormtroopers off. I vividly remember this, and I was absolutely terrified. My mom was really jarred and confused and trying to calm me down. Leia then says "that's enough Proboscis Luke" and his nose returned to normal. The film also continued on as normal. Every subsequent viewing of our VHS was completely normal, as with every previous viewing. We had already watched the film multiple times prior to the incident so that precludes it being some strange edited copy which would be weird in and of itself.