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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

CookieRun Kingdom saved my life

    Started as a bunch of shitpost rants from r/CookieRunKingdoms on how unoptimized the game is for a simple mobile game.

    Crk saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up cookie run. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Black Lemonade, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Devsis. Crk saved my life.
    This is really heart warming a similar thing happened to me. I was in a hostage situation l, tied to a chair while being beaten and tortured after all of that happened I slowly but surely slipped out of the tied knot that was on my wrists. I could hear the kidnappers coming back so I didn't have much but then something clicked "CRK!" That was it so I pulled out my phone loaded CRK and put the most laggy cookies on a team hit play and threw my phone at the kidnappers. All I could hear was a big boom and was flash banged and then lights out. Next thing I know I wake up in the Hospital with an amputated leg and severe damage to my right arm but still usable. Unfortunately the kidnappers survived and were convicted. The kidnappers were two people named Ginger Brave (Who would name a child that must have been bullied) and Dragon Lord Cacao (Whoever this dude's parents are jail them). Thanks to this game's poor optimization I lived but with some damage to my body and mental trauma. Thanks Devsis.

    WuWa saved my life

    WuWa saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up Wuthering Waves. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Yinlin's ult, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Kurogames. WuWa saved my life.

    Limbus Company saved my life

    Limbus Company saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up Limbus Company. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Lord Lu's S3, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Project Moon. Limbus Company saved my life.

    This Cube Cured my Mortality

      AKA the Tungsten cube copypasta came from a satirical review on Amazon for a cube made of tungsten by Richard Behiel in 2019. Amazon had deleted the original review but it had already became a meme.

      All the people here who bought this wireless tungsten cube to admire its surreal heft have precisely the wrong mindset. I, in my exalted wisdom and unbridled ambition, bought this cube to become fully accustomed to the intensity of its density, to make its weight bearable and in fact normal to me, so that all the world around me may fade into a fluffy arena of gravitational inconsequence. And it has worked, to profound success. I have carried the tungsten with me, have grown attached to the downward pull of its small form, its desire to be one with the floor. This force has become so normal to me that lifting any other object now feels like lifting cotton candy, or a fluffy pillow. Big burly manly men who pump iron now seem to me as little children who raise mere aluminum.

I can hardly remember the days before I became a man of tungsten. How distant those days seem now, how burdened by the apparent heaviness of everyday objects. I laugh at the philistines who still operate in a world devoid of tungsten, their shoulders thin and unempowered by the experience of bearing tungsten. Ha, what fools, blissful in their ignorance, anesthetized by their lack of meaningful struggle, devoid of passion.

Nietzsche once said that a man who has a why can bear almost any how. But a man who has a tungsten cube can bear any object less dense, and all this talk of why and how becomes unnecessary.

Schopenhauer once said that every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. Tungsten expands the limits of a man’s field of vision by showing him an example of increased density, in comparison to which the everyday objects to which he was formerly accustomed gain a light and airy quality. Who can lament the tragedy of life, when surrounded by such lightweight objects? Who can cry in a world of styrofoam and cushions?

Have you yet understood? This is no ordinary metal. In this metal is the alchemical potential to transform your world, by transforming your expectations. Those who have not yet held the cube in their hands and mouths will not understand, for they still live in a world of normal density, like Plato’s cave dwellers. Those who have opened their mind to the density of tungsten will shift their expectations of weight and density accordingly.

To give this cube a rating of anything less than five stars would be to condemn life itself. Who am I, as a mere mortal, to judge the most compact of all affordable materials? No. I say gratefully to whichever grand being may have created this universe: good job on the tungsten. It sure is dense.

I sit here with my tungsten cube, transcendent above death itself. For insofar as this tungsten cube will last forever, I am in the presence of immortality.

      Just lost my job because I use Linux

        By u/AlarmedTowel4514, its a shitpost story on how a guy got fired for being a jerk but blamed it on coworkers hating him for using Linux

        Just lost my job because I use Linux

Long story short, was fired because I use Linux.

I work, or rather worked, at a large eu based bank. It’s a fucking windows shitfest, and no one can install any software, because of “security” reasons. Yeah right, then you probably should not use windows in the first place.

Anyway using any other operating system is completely out of the question.

I am, or rather was, somewhat of a star developer in the organization. Mainly because I was the best css engineer, but people also knew me as the “Linux guy” or “advocate”, whatever. I did take it upon me to educate and inform the other employees of how and why Linux is a better and more secure operating system.

Anyway, a month ago or so, my manager comes to me, and says that it looks like he got Linux approved for a POC phase and I was selected to be one of the first tryouts. He was really excited I could tell, probably because I been talking about and asking for approval to use Linux for the last 3 years. Naturally, I asked him how I was compensated for taking on this new massive task, and he said “I thought you would like to work with Linux? Can you please just take the opportunity”. Alright I said. We agreed that next week I could start setting it up as I would get the laptop end of week.

Fast forward to Friday, and he comes down to me with the laptop. I wondered where the flash drive was, because how am I supposed to install arch without it? Any way I open it up while he looks at me with excitement. I see Ubuntu is installed and booting. I instantly slams the laptop closed and says quietly: “I use arch…” he says “what?”. I yelled “I USE ARCH, THIS IS UBUNTU”. He says “what does that mean?”. I just take the laptop and leaves for the day. Educate yourself and you would’ve known.

Next week he comes down to me and asks me why I have canceled all meetings and blocked my calendar for the next 2 weeks. I answered: “I am ricing? Even though you inconsiderate asshole gave me Ubuntu, I still need to rice. That takes hyper focus. How do you think I became the best css engineer?”

He looked confused, I bet the idiot didn’t even know what rice is.

He snapped. Got very angry, and said something like, he was the only person in this organization who actually had my back. Not because of my skills, or knowledge, but because no one else wants to work with our css project.

He asked me to leave immediately and that I was fired…

So there it is. Can’t even use Linux without getting fired. Why do these idiots care what OS I am using, don’t you have better things to do?

        ⚠️WARNING⚠️ cock inspection is NOT required at the voting booths!!!! don’t be tricked like me!!

          this is a true story, I was the "official"

          AKA the cock inspection copypasta is a story about a gullible guy getting his penis inspected by a stranger while waiting in line. The pasta originally started in r/copypasta during the the 2020 election.

          So I was waiting in line to vote when all of a sudden this voting "official" came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my voter registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm voter identity. Because o though he was a voting official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I voted I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the security guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy voting!

          Arc Raiders

          So I was waiting to trade in my free loadout augment when all of a sudden this lance came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my raider registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm raider identity. Because I thought he was a medical official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I received the augment I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the speranza guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy raiding!

          Covid vaccination

          So I was waiting in line to receive my vaccine when all of a sudden this medical "official" came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my patient registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm patient identity. Because I thought he was a medical official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I received the vaccine I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the security guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy vaccinating!

          I saw Zohran Mamdani at a bodega in the Bronx yesterday

            Its the Flying Lotus copypasta but changed to Zohran Mamdani.

            I saw Zohran Mamdani at a bodega in the Bronx yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn't want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, "Oh, like you're doing now?" I was taken aback, and all I could say was "Huh?" but he kept cutting me off and going "huh? huh? huh?" and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like "Sir, you need to pay for those first." At first he kept saying this is what socialism is and kept smiling at us, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually "to prevent any zionist infetterence," and then turned around and winked at me. I don't even think that's a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

            I lost a chance with my classes top #3 girl due to this light yagami

              source
              Bro I lost a chance with my classes top #3 girl due to this light yagami, so back in 2017 I was in 11th class and there was this girl who was so pretty i couldn't stop looking at her, she looks back at me and smiles, well then onwards she gave me obvious signs for months, but I was watching death note back the and i use to act like whatever anime I use to watch, and i did this cringe shit with her acting like i don't care, she was so obvious I missed a kiss also, due to acting all mysterious and shit, she also asked a mutual friend of our to set her up with me, i responded the cringiest way possible, I said I don't have extra time for all this bs, after that she never even looked at me ever again.