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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

Imagine Bibi catching you in the middle of a suicide attempt

    Bibi from Brawl Stars
    source
    I like to think it’s late at night and I’m having a really bad mental breakdown, I already almost slit my own veins and tried choking myself to death since there was nothing to hang myself with. So, I hurry to the attic between tears, gasps, and suppressed cries of agony, and reach the edge of the roof.

My mind is set on finally ending all this pain that’s been crushing me like a roadroller stepping over every bone and organ in my body, but my body is still clinging to life out of instinct. As I try to convince myself to jump off, I hear a voice from the door to the attic.

“ALEX, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” I hear Bibi call out as she hurries over to the edge, her pace getting slower as she realises she shouldn’t startle me.

I see the fear and panic etched on her face, my mind suddenly feels like it’s splitting up as I process the fear in her eyes is out of worry for my own life. The fact that she actually worried, that she actually cared. And that, in the most panic I’ve seen her go through, she still didn’t even think of calling me by my deadname, which is to say she called me by my real name. This made me realised that she truly cared for ME, that I’m not just not alone, but that there’s hope for me to be seen for who I am.

She approaches me carefully and reaches her hand out to me. “Alex, please…” She calls out slowly, but her voice still cracks as she holds back tears. “Take my hand, d-don’t do something stupid now…”

Her eyes soften as she feels my hand hold onto hers, and my body lowering slowly. She hesitates to pull me into a hug as she remembers my sensory issues, so she just opens her arms invitingly. “Can I…?”

I immediately hug her as tight as I can, sobbing uncontrollably as I hide my face in her shoulder. Cries for help, cries against the unfairness I was put through that led me to get here, cries for support, cries that I suppressed and shut tight even when my mind was breaking down into dust finally flow out like a river that’s been clogged by a dam for too long.

She cradles my head firmly against her chest, her fingers tighten slightly in my hair like she’s afraid of letting go off me. Her other hand strokes my back as she presses a kiss to the top of my head.

“It’s all gonna be alright… I‘ll make sure of it. I swear, I’m not letting you go.” She promises between her own cries and sobs of empathy, her face pressed on my hair. “I won’t hold myself back from telling you how cute you look when you rant about things just because I don’t wanna be cheesy…” Her hand soothingly traces down my arm “I’ll make sure you know just how beautiful you are so you don’t-“ Her hand suddenly freezes as she feels numerous scars on my arm. “I’ll make sure you know how much worth you have so you don’t do things like that anymore.”

After I fully calm down, she stands up and takes me into her arms like a princess. She takes me into her room and places me down onto the bed with her, holding me until I peacefully fall asleep.

    Spaghettios

      Comment
      byu/ConsistentHospital54 from discussion
      inshitposting

      From u/Xhalo, a Redditor notorious for writing shitpost stories about eating spaghetti “spaghettios” and how it affects them. The person has been doing this for over 12 years almost daily. 

      As useful as my ex husband was as backside tongue twirling if you know what I mean (analingus). At first I praised him, it was spicy and hot like the piping hot tomato goochbutter sauce of spaghettios. But after a while it got stale. To be fair, I did develop thunderous backside voidseep due to a diet high in iron, but our vows said he would love me through thick and thin. We are divorced now. 😭😭😭
      Comment
      byu/knifefan9 from discussion
      incomedyheaven
      I was 9 months pregnant and had just downed my usual 3 bowl spaghettios lunch with a post meal spritzer of a large order of wendys chilly with extra grundlemeat chunks, and I fell asleep due to the insulin overdose hitting me at the same time a gastrointestinal spasm occured. It put me to sleep and I ended up lactating while I ran to the bathroom. I though this meme was about me 😲😲😲

      Sports direct mug

        Sports Direct mug copypasta

        From a response by u/dazedan_confused to another user asking for context on the Sports Direct mug.

        Picture the scene. You're at a sports store. You've got your gym gear, a bag, some accessories, some cut price clothes, even some oversized umbrellas that scream "I play golf", even though they're impractical outside of the course.

You're sure you have everything, but you just feel... Empty. What is it? Are you lacking a football, placed conveniently in the "Parent doesn't want kid to cause a scene, so fuck it, just get it to shit him up" section of the store? Is it a set of colouring pencils? Is it a fucking massive calculator that belongs to a giant in the 90s, emblazoned, ever so offensively with the sports direct logo?

And then.... It hits you. Behind the staff at the checkout. Time stands still. Everyone around you fades out of irrelevance. It starts glowing. "Hello", it sings, "Is it me you're looking for?"

My friend, you have just seen it. The chalice of champions. The cup of conquerors. The mug of monarchs. My friend, your eyes have been blessed with a mug that defies your expectations. It's so far away, but it looks like it's closer. Your mind boggles; it's next to items that seem disproportionately smaller, or it is disproportionately larger. It's confusing, what is this? And why is it out in the wild?

That, my friend, is a Sports direct mug.

Do we know how much it holds? Who knows. Is it healthy to expect to drink that much of any beverage? Almost certainly not. However, you don't care. You occupy the right percentage of the earth, you want to stand out among those pint 250ml drinkers. You have too much taste to buy a Humvee, but you want it's mug equivalent. You *want *to take up the space in the cupboard. You want to restrict the places your mug can go. You want people to be impressed by how much coffee you are drinking. You want everyone's eyes to be drawn to you in the 10am meeting. You want the Sports direct mug.

And if you think you have the willpower to refrain from buying one, my dear friend, you're about as naive as a flipped evian. You may be able to show restraint, but it'll find you. In the office. At a neighbour's house. In the garage. It knows where you live, and it wants to know why you didn't take it home.

You don't just drink in a sports direct mug. You invite your tongue to swim in a sports direct mug.

        The perfect pizza

          mid century
          byu/thesitekick incomedyheaven
          I remember those chairs, I used to work at Pizza Hut in the mid 80s. It was a busy place for a while but everything changed when one of the managers began to act in ways none of us could understand. There was an oven with a gas leak and after that he seemed to lose himself. He would talk about the perfect pizza every day and nothing else mattered to him. His eyes would drift and his words were strange.

One night we opened for business and he had come in early. We found him covered in dough with sauce smeared across his arms and cheese stuck to his clothes. He said he was ready to become the pizza. Before we could stop him he tried to push himself into the oven. He did not make it.

The owners shut the restaurant down the very next day. They told the public he slipped and fell and the official report said nothing more. A short note ran in the local paper. That was all anyone outside heard. The town knew the truth though. Everyone carried it in silence.

          Fascist story

            Comment
            byu/blahdash-758 from discussion
            inmemesopdidnotlike
            She woke up early in the morning, the sun shining softly upon her bare fascism. She went downstairs for breakfast, her fascism bouncing fascistically with every step. She knew that today was the day when her fascism would finally be embraced fascistically by the entire office. She looked particularly forward to Adolf’s reaction, somehow his sly, fascistic glances remixed her of her younger fascist days spent fascisting across the hills and valleys of her old fascist hometown. His looks thrilled her in a way that was fascistically similar, but more mature, more…fascist
            Fascistnating story!

            I had a friend who had never cracked his knuckles

              Comment
              byu/Deep_Insect from discussion
              inexplainlikeimfive
              Kinda off topic but when I was around 17 I had a friend who had never cracked his knuckles. I’ve cracked mine for as long as I can remember. But he let me ball his hand into a fist, push my palm against the part between his knuckles and first joint across his fist. It was so loud, so satisfying, virgin knuckles cracked so loud it literally echoed in the room. He didn’t like it and never let me do it again, but I still remember, Jeremy. The feeling of your hand basically exploding in my palm is a feeling I’ll remember forever.