Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.
I was driving with a friend
I grab his leg instead of the gearstick
We both laugh and I unzip his pants
I park the car while fondling with his balls, my friend is laughing because he knows it's a joke and we're just friends
I start sucking his dick and was about to choke on it because I'm laughing so hard
My friend is also laughing his ass off, he starts making train noise while yelling "BROJOB BROJOB CHOO CHOO"
He then cums and then I swallow it all and kiss him while both laughing cuz we know it's a joke.
Gotta love making jokes with my friends bro.
I'm a nurse and I was just going about my day at work. There's this doctor that I think is pretty cool but pretty unapproachable. So around the time my shift was ending, I was changing into my clothes when I turn around into a very disgruntled looking Dr. Michael. I asked him if he was feeling okay but he looks at me with very animal looking eyes (hot!).
"I'm thirsty" he said. I asked if he wanted some water but he said "I'm thirsty for you". Now this is when I start feeling pretty hot and horny. He pushed me against the wall and leaned in close. He whispered only three words. "It's Morbin' time" and instantly I knew that I was here to serve a higher purpose, a higher being.
I didn't even get to change. He Morbed me so hard all night. We both were so close. I can still hear his grunts and moans. A few co-workers who walked into the room just bolted out quickly with wide eyes. It's been two days since I got Morbed and I still can't walk right.
I don't think any other person can make me feel the wild and brutal way he made me feel. I felt like an animal. I have served my purpose. I'll never feel the same again with anyone else. I can no longer be satisfied.
So I was watching the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, and when it reached the part where it was revealed that Amber shat on Johnny's side of the bed, I was fascinated. Now, first of all, I didn't even know women could fart, let alone take a WHOLE ASS SHIT on someone's bed. And I know for a fact that that woman actually did the deed, because I got to agree with JD that it was neither of his dogs. Literally huge chunks of turd were scattered on the sheets as shown in the photo but Amber is gonna blame the fucking dogs? You're not fooling anybody, Amber! Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those weirdos who gets turned on by literal pieces of shit spewing out of someone's ass, but for some reason I was just intrigued by the mere fact that a woman had the ability to excrete such amounts of fecal matter. So I did some research on Bing and after 5 gruelling hours, I managed to find Amber Heard's number so I decided to call her. Only for me to realize seconds after making the call that it was 3AM and she probably wouldn't even respond. I was nervous: what if she doesn't respond? How will I be able to make this inquiry about how her body could be capable of doing such a feat? Luckily, it went to voicemail and so I decided to leave a lil message for Amber: "Hey Amber, this might be a long shot but I just want to ask did you really take a dump on Mister Sparrow's bed and I was wondering if you were going to do the same to mine? Thank you!". I had obviously wanted to prank her, and as I went to sleep I didn't think much of the message. But then, about 4 hours later, I was awaken by this pungent, putrid stench that almost made me think that I shat myself in my sleep again. I recalled the events of the previous night, and realized something. I slowly turned myself to face the other side of my bed, nervously anticipating... And it was true, Amber Heard intruded my home and took a BIG FAT SHIT in my bed. Was I happy, was I mad? I didn't really know, but I sure was glad to discover first-hand that women could indeed defecate.
It almost never fails. My best friend I got back home after baseball and he hit me with his infamous deez nuts jokes again. I hate that I fall for most of them and I hate how he delivers the punchline so sensually. "Imagine Dragon deez nuts across your face." "Deez nuts in your mouth" "Howsma cock feel in your mouth." "Stigma dick in your ass." At some point the jokes don't even make sense like "Let me stuff my cock down your throat." "Suck on my fat juicy nuts." Instead of me finding it funny, I just get turned on instead. I'm like "go ahead bitch I'm waiting." It's like that meme "jokes on you I'm into that shit." It's worse when we're sweaty, naked, adrenaline still pumping in the locker rooms after a game right before a shower and he pulls out his wonderful jokes. It's like he's *trying* to make me hard on purpose. I'm almost certain he knows what he's doing. But I kinda love it. I joke back with him too and he falls for mine but I still feel a lot of sexual tension. How could you look another man in the eyes and say "I'm gonna stuff my cock down your throat." without someone getting a hard-on.
So, yesterday, I tried the Ceiling Fan Jelqing method from r/jelqing. It DOES NOT WORK!!!, and it is very dangerous! I lubed up my 2.34 incher cock and I tied a coarse rope to my cock and used a ladder to get to my ceiling fan. That is when it began, my 7 year old daughter came running in and accidentally hit the buttons for the ceiling can, the ceiling fan turned on and started spinning my cock around, I screamed at my daughter to turn off the ceiling fan but she was too terrified at the sight of my cock tied to the ceiling fan and started crying and covering her eyes. I first ran along with the ceiling fan in a circle but I was quickly outpaced... The ceiling fan started dragging me across the floor, my butt naked ass was sliding on the floor as I screamed in agony as the ceiling fan pulled my cock. this went on for a whole 1 minute until I realised the tip of my penis was becoming purple(at this point my 7yr old daughter was still screaming at the sight of my jelqing.) The shaft of my cock started hurting more and more until I realised I wasn't being dragged around on the ground butt naked by the ceiling fan anymore. I looked up to see half of my 2.34 inch cock swinging around tied to the ceiling fan by a short piece of rope.
In conclusion, I have now lost custody of my 7 year old daughter and am fighting a case against me for pedophelic sexual assault. have paid a total of $400,000 in fees to reconnect my penis back together. I have done 9 gruesome surgeries just to get 1/3 of my cock back.
If you want to quit what you need to do is simple. Everyone is familiar with post nut clarity. The Japanese know this as 'kenjataimu' and it makes sense that the country where you can buy used panties in vending machines would have a specific word for it, jesus fucking christ. I mean what the actual fuck Japan, this is why you are being punished by the heavens with an aging population, get rid of that shit bro.
I digress, it can be a feeling of overwhelming dread. Yet, a powerful ally. Say your toxic ex drunk texts you and you are starting to think "eh, it's worth it to get laid." Go bust a nut. The ol' wisdom wank. You'll be completely disinterested and not tempted. The wisdom wank will keep your crown intact.
What you need to do is take that overwhelming feeling of dread and carry it past the post nut clarity. Control it. Understand it. Master it. Even when you are at your absolute most depraved and horniest, bring up that dread and realize how much stronger it will get once you nut. Will it be worth it? If your answer is yes, then I will not be the one to change your mind. Be on your way.
It's as the ol' saying goes "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force that horse to stop chronically masturbating unless they want to stop." If you desire to break free from these multiple open tabs, and ads that go "ARE YOU REALLY WATCHING PORN BY YOURSELF??!" then you may be ready. The first step is waiting.
I'm not those guys on r/nofap im not going to tell you to keep a calendar of the last time you jerked it, or say you will gain psychic powers if you make it two months. We are not a bunch of guys cheering each other on as we edge constantly and talk about how this now makes us gods of enlightenment because we don't cum.
That shit is weird as Hell, and I don't get it, but they kinda have the right idea. Fucking weirdos though. And if you mess up and masturbate don't do what they do writing an eight page apology letter to a subreddit calling yourself a failure. Roadbumps happen, and you don't need to share that shit with us bro its ok thanks.
Plus, true enlightenment can come with nutting, Siddartha the Buddha literally spent years fucking whores in giant orgies before reaching enlightenment. Just curve that temptation, remember the dread, and if you got to do it use your imagination or some shit. That's what your ancestors did and they got laid, and now you are forced to exist because they creampied. It'll still help your neurons and feedback loops or whatever the fuck idk im not a doctor.
All I know is intimacy can't be replicated no matter how good VR gets, don't be a fool. Every nut is a gift, make it count.
Remember the dread, and hit the gym when you are horny. Take that unrelenting horny rage out on those weights, and get fucking jacked. Someday others make be flicking their beans or cranking their hogs to you, who knows, the future has yet to be written.
Those are the keys to salvation. Or you can go to a bunch of orgies and then end up underneath an orange tree talking to the sky or whatever the fuck Buddha did, that's fine too, whatever.
