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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

The tree simply could not believe. At first the man had only touched it, run a finger along its bark…

    The tree simply could not believe. At first the man had only touched it, run a finger along its bark, and then without warning the man was masturbating on the tree. The tree found this a disagreeable experience and wished it would stop. The tree shook its limbs, tried to stop the man, shook and shook as if to say, No, Stop that, Bad man. But the man mistook the shaking as a sign of encouragement and began to masturbate daily on the tree.

The tree now tried reasoning with the man. It offered up lesser beings, ferns and flowers and mushrooms, all the understory of the forest, to be sacrificed to the man, this bipedal fiend. They look nice don’t they, shook the tree, but the man neither spoke nor understood Tree, and flapped his meat in response.

After Reason then the tree tried Anger. It shook free its least favorite branches, to strike the man dead, or better yet, knock him out and let the scavengers have their way with him. But the man was young, and with the agility of youth, of two-legged youth, he dodged and went on masturbating.

The years passed. The man came less often. Once a week, and then monthly, and some years the man didn’t come at all, but always he returned and the sperm soaked into the tree’s bark and the tree cried out in anguish as its spirit withered. It grew demented, yearned for suicide, but found itself surviving the periodic forest fires and thunderstorms, and no wind seemed capable of toppling it.

The years came and went. Years of drought, years of atmospheric rivers pouring down upon the tree. And each year the tree weakened and one day there was a storm and the half-mad tree shook obscenities into the storm and the storm was affronted and attacked the tree. The next day, with the storm past, the man showed, old decrepit man, scrotum for a neck, liver-spotted hands and chicken legs with gnarled veins. This old man, thin and weak, but still capable on a good day of rubbing one out. Pantless, the man was concentrating deeply when there was a loud crack and the tree fell and crushed him.

    Gabe Newell was on my flight to LA

      From r/Halflife, its the Todd Howard holding TES VI hostage story but changed to Gabe Newell holding Half Life 3 hostage unless players buy more CS2 lootboxes.

      Flying from DC to LA and Gabe was flying the same flight. I got to sit near him and told him I was a huge fan of his, especially of Half-Life. That's when he did something I would have never believed.

He pulled out his laptop and showed me the official trailer for Half-Life 3. He then asked me how many CS2 crate keys I have purchased, and I told him "Only 20, Gabe. Only 20.". That's when he did it. Gabe Newell deleted the trailer for HL3 and emptied the trash. "This was the only copy, the one I was to present at the Game Awards", he said. "Next time, do better."

He then informed me that if the new TF2 Smissmass crate doesn't sell a million keys within 48 hours they will be deleting assets to HL3, further delaying the project purposefully. They are taking it hostage and demanding a ransom.

      Todd Howard was on my flight to LA

      By u/xCosmicChaosx, its a shitpost story on how Todd Howard is holding TES VI hostage unless players buy more versions of Skyrim released by Bethesda. 

      Flying from DC to LA and Todd was flying the same flight. I got to sit near him and told him I was a huge fan of his, especially of TES. That's when he did something I would have never believed.

He pulled out his laptop and showed me the official trailer for TES: VI. He then asked me how many copies of Skyrim I have purchased, and I told him "Only 3, Todd. Only 3.". That's when he did it. Todd Howard deleted the trailer for TES VI and emptied the trash. "This was the only copy, the one I was to present at the Game Awards", he said. "Next time, do better."

He then informed me that if the new Switch 2 port of Skyrim doesn't sell a million copies within 48 hours they will be deleting assets to TES VI, further delaying the project purposefully. They are taking it hostage and demanding a ransom.

      I’ll never forget the time I was skating at a local park

        It was from a post form r/Meshuggah but was deleted afterwards for being cringe and fake. 

        I'll never forget the time I was skating at a local park that is by an elementary school.

Bunch of 5th grade boys hanging out after school, playing and watching me. The "leader" of the group, you know, the kid with the spikey hair, asked me what I was listening to on my headphones.

I was as vague as possible but he pressed and finally I just gave him a listen. Within ten seconds you could see the wheels turning in his head; he was a bit bewildered. He took the headphones off and told his friends "don't mess with that dude." Lol

It wasn't Meshuggah, which is probably for the best, but it was the crescendo of Lamb of God's "Resurrection Man."

        Proboscis Luke

          Proboscis Luke started as a a post in r/copypasta and had since been a niche joke within the Star Wars fans.

          When I was a kid I had a surreal and terrifying experience watching a VHS of the special edition of Star Wars: A New Hope with my mom. I believe this was the late 90's (1998?) but I can't give an exact date so I apologize, however I was approximately 11 or 12. Basically we were watching the part of the film where they're in the Death Star. At one point when confronted by stormtroopers, Luke's nose suddenly extended grotesquely into a strange flesh-colored elephant's trunk. It then flailed around making elephant trumpet sounds scaring the stormtroopers off. I vividly remember this, and I was absolutely terrified. My mom was really jarred and confused and trying to calm me down. Leia then says "that's enough Proboscis Luke" and his nose returned to normal. The film also continued on as normal. Every subsequent viewing of our VHS was completely normal, as with every previous viewing. We had already watched the film multiple times prior to the incident so that precludes it being some strange edited copy which would be weird in and of itself.

          Meng Hao walked into the McDonald’s. “Give me… a Happy Meal!”

            It was review by ‘Zackarotto‘ which parodies a Xianxia battle scene in a fast food joint for the web novel I Shall Seal the Heavens. Web novel enthusiasts often use it as a satire to poke fun at how Chinese web novels are written.

            Meng Hao walked into the McDonald's. The cultivator taking his order gave a derisive snort, but Meng Hao did not really care, because he had repressed his aura down to the Single Patty Realm, and a fool would not be able to tell his true level of burger eating.

"Give me... a Happy Meal!"

The cultivator's face flickered before he finally regained his composure and laughed. "You couldn't afford a Happy Meal. Get lost! Don't you see that there are Double Quarter Pounder Realm eaters waiting behind you?"

Meng Hao slapped his bag of holding and threw 80 billion spirit McDonald's coupons onto the counter, causing an earthquake which demolished half of the restaurant. Everyone dropped their jaws. None could see how this was possible!

"I'll take that Happy Meal with a side order of fries, " Meng Hao said. He was as calm as the ocean in a painting of an insanely calm ocean. "And let me see your manager!"

The cashier cultivator coughed up a mouthful of ketchup. He simply could not handle Meng Hao's killing intent, because he was only at the Quarter Pounder with Cheese realm himself. Even though Meng Hao had suppressed his aura, because he had cultivated the Heavenly Burgin' Qi, this was enough to kill people a few levels higher if he truly wanted.

It was then that another man which a much more fierce aura stepped forward. "You dare make trouble here?"

"P... Patriarch Hamburglar!"

Patriarch Hamburglar was 99 cents of the way into the Big Mac Realm, plus tax! Meng Hao was pushed back two feet, knocking over a soda machine. Powerade Mountain Berry Blast geysered outward, killing several onlookers.

Of course, Mayor McCheese saw all this happen through the window.

Meng Hao coughed up a mouthful of blood, snorted, constricted his pupils, and then his expression went calm. He unleashed the aura of 64 patties, condensed down to a 2 patty stack that could fit into his mouth!

Mayor McCheese coughed up a mouthful of cheese. His pupils constricted.

"Is this... Seeking the McRib stage??"

Meng Hao had the gentle air of a scholar, but it wouldn't stop him from killing several people in a McDonald's.

"Burger Devouring Scripture! I'm Lovin' It!"

With the first keyword of the Burger Devouring Scripture, everyone below the early Quarter Pounder With Cheese stage exploded into purple mist. The light of the immense heavenly burger shone down with the contours of a golden arch as 9 illusory burgers floated around Meng Hao's body, which is probably an important xianxia number that matches the number of lakes in some sacred Chinese province I've never heard of. But that was only a fraction of Meng Hao's power. He waved his arm, bringing forth thirty more cultivation techniques that hadn't appeared in over 400 chapters!

"Heavenly Tribulation Fries! Eastern Everburning Egg McMuffin! Fruit Smoothie Guillotine! Soul McCafe Mocha Incarnation!"

Meng Hao's expression was the same as ever as he slapped his bag of holding, and brought out his karmic ketchup packet, Fry Cook Lord medallion, seventeen different wooden time spatulas, a five-coloured resurrection coupon, the silk burger wrapper, various souls of lightning McNuggets that he may or may not still have, and his mask of the legacy of Ronald McDonald. Oh, and the image of a flying Chicken Snack Wrap dragon appeared. Remember that? It was basically his Main Thing at the start of the novel, but quietly faded into irrelevance. Until now!

All of this takes some time to describe, but actually happened in the space of only a few breaths.

"What! Impossible!"

Meng Hao wanted to summon the parrot as well, but it was too overcome with eroticism by the purple fur depicted on a nearby poster of Grimace, and was busy drilling out a glory hole straight through the poster, and the wall it was pinned to, with its strong parrot erection.

But it was more than enough. The Hamburglar's soul flew out and was absorbed into his mask! He screamed as his body was destroyed completely.

Meng Hao brushed off his robe and swept up his spirit coupons and everyone's bags of holding which probably didn't have any cool sh*t inside unless I write him into a corner later, and anyways, don't worry about it for now. He surveyed the rubble that was all that remained of the McDonald's.

"Guess I'll be taking that Happy Meal... to go!"

            CookieRun Kingdom saved my life

              Started as a bunch of shitpost rants from r/CookieRunKingdoms on how unoptimized the game is for a simple mobile game.

              Crk saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up cookie run. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Black Lemonade, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Devsis. Crk saved my life.
              This is really heart warming a similar thing happened to me. I was in a hostage situation l, tied to a chair while being beaten and tortured after all of that happened I slowly but surely slipped out of the tied knot that was on my wrists. I could hear the kidnappers coming back so I didn't have much but then something clicked "CRK!" That was it so I pulled out my phone loaded CRK and put the most laggy cookies on a team hit play and threw my phone at the kidnappers. All I could hear was a big boom and was flash banged and then lights out. Next thing I know I wake up in the Hospital with an amputated leg and severe damage to my right arm but still usable. Unfortunately the kidnappers survived and were convicted. The kidnappers were two people named Ginger Brave (Who would name a child that must have been bullied) and Dragon Lord Cacao (Whoever this dude's parents are jail them). Thanks to this game's poor optimization I lived but with some damage to my body and mental trauma. Thanks Devsis.

              WuWa saved my life

              WuWa saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up Wuthering Waves. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Yinlin's ult, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Kurogames. WuWa saved my life.

              Limbus Company saved my life

              Limbus Company saved my life. I was stranded in the Arctic. Frostbite was setting in. Snow piled up around me, falling in a flurry. I had lost all hope of salvation.

Then, inspiration struck. I opened up Limbus Company. Immediately, my phone went from freezing, to a burning fire of unoptimisation. I loaded in. My phone went nuclear. All the snow around me melted, and my body began to unthaw.

I knew time was short; I had a mere few minutes before the game would inevitably crash. In a last, desperate attempt, I tried to use Lord Lu's S3, and threw my phone into the air. It promptly exploded, lighting up the sky and alerting the search group of my location.

I’m now safe at home, and eternally grateful. Thank you Project Moon. Limbus Company saved my life.