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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

Anal Cunt

    Its an instant classic story about Seth Putnam, lead singer of the grindcore band Anal Cunt and the insanity that came when they performed at Purchase, of all places. The original post is lost but the earliest reference to this story dates back to 2018 in a forum. 

    In college I was on the student entertainment committee or whatever the hell it was called and decided I would use my "weight" to get my old band to play with AC, Tear It Up, and Dataclast which were all crap I was listening to at the moment. Everyone else except AC couldn't do it, and my band was a stupid 60s garage rock/punk band, so the fact that we'd be opening for something like AC was irresitible and I got like $500 from the student gov't to be stupid with it.

I was waiting around in my campus apt nervously for them to show up for most of the afternoon, until I heard a loud car horn blaring from the parking lot and knew it was them. I walked out to see two cars, one had a bunch of complete scumbags stepping out of it, cans of Budweiser literally rolling out of the doors as they emerged. They looked like utter pieces of shit. I introduced myself and asked where Seth was. They pointed to one of the cars where he was still sitting in the passenger seat, pounding a bottle of vodka.

We wen't back to my apartment where my roommate had tried to impress them by having the Haunted cd blasting. Seth immediately told me to "turn this faggoo shit off" and handed me his own cd to put on, which had a flaming swastika on the cover and was an album by esteemed Tom Waits soundalikes Affirmative Apartheid.

I told them that I'd bought several cases of beer to entertain them, which they dug into happily. Their group was:
* Seth Putnam
* Josh Martin the guitarist
* one of the drummer guys
* Roadie #1, "Lenny", who was about 5'2 and had a half-arm. Not like he was missing part of it, but it was a birth defect arm that was only about a foot long. On the birth defect arm he had a Dungeons & Dragons tattoo.
* Roadie #2, "Chris", who stood about 6'5 and had a ponytail that made him look like the guy from Game of Thrones.

Seth kept making tons of "Hey I heard this school has tons of fellers and dykes" type comments to me, but when he saw that wasn't really going to impress/alarm/whatever me, they all sort of "calmed down" a bit and just focused on getting drunk. Around 6:55 they freaked out that the Simpsons was coming on and all sat down to watch.

During the Simpsons episode, Seth turned to Chris and said "Hey Chris, can you put my beer down for me? I'm too fat."

They started getting more drunk and kept demanding I find them "drugs". I told them I didn't really do drugs and gave them some weed, but they weren't satisfied. My Haunted-fan straightedge roommate was freaking out, worrying they'd trash the place if they didn't get drugs, so he ran out to "get drugs". A few minutes later, he came back with a tube of uncooked ketamine and told me to give it to them. I incredulously asked where the fuck he got it from, but he was all "Don't worry! Just give it to them before they go crazy!". So I gave Seth the ketamine. He asked what it was, and I said "Ketamine". He then, without hesitation, unscrewed the tube and began pouring it into his mouth. Like, gobs and gobs of it. Martin was all "Don't bogart that shit!" and took a bunch into his own mouth. They kept drinking until I told them we should really get over to the venue (an on-campus site) to start getting ready for the show.

I get in a car with Martin driving. Seth tells me about how GG Allin once asked them to be his backing band, and we bonded over both owning Johnny Rebel records. Then out of nowhere he grabbed the steering wheel and whipped it to the right, sending us off the road and careening across the grass. Martin got back onto the road and dismissed it with "Stop being a jerk!" as Seth apparently did "wacky" stuff like that all the time.

We get to the venue and start setting things up, and my bandmates are all deciding to play a three song set and get the fuck off campus before there's a riot. As I'm helping them set up, Seth realizes the beer is still in my apartment. Chris and I decide to walk back to get it. We do so, and away from the rest of the band I learn that Chris would like to study audio engineering and had considered SUNY Purchase at some point. I ask him if AC really gets into a lot of trouble at shows, and if they really need him. "Oh, absolutely, all the time. And if its too much, I always have this." He pulls up his pantleg to reveal a gun in his boot.

As we continue back, we pass by an apartment with the blinds drawn, inside are a bunch of students having a Passover seder. "Hey! Let's cut holes in some sheets and run in there!" gleefully remarks Chris. I advise him we should probably get to the show instead.

We get to the venue, and Seth (who is wearing sweatpants) is passed out face-down in front of the stage, snoring. My band sets up and goes on, and its completely uncomfortable as about 200 people not from campus are standing far, far in the back of the room not giving a shit about our shitty music. We end the set and Seth gets up, grabs the mic, and says "Let's hear it for Syd Barrett." Then he pulls me aside and says "Is there anything I can't do?" I tell him just to not lay a finger on me or my little brother, but otherwise to have a blast.

Seth is too fucked up to stand, and is probably still tired from his nap, so he elects to sit on the front of the stage in his sweatpants. He declares that he's "a bit parched" and asks my brother to bring him some Sprite. The set is delayed 10 minutes while my brother finds a vending machine and brings the soda back.

They launch into 2 hours of cruelty, blastbeats, racism, misogyny, etc. It was one of the funniest things I'd ever witnessed live. Seth kept going on and on about how "we" should not have to put up with movies like Save The Last Dance being made. He brought up Save The Last Dance about 15 times. He pointed at a girl in the front in an army jacket and said "People like you and me didn't fight in 'Nam just so we could raise kids in a world where Chinese people drive."

The real fun started when Seth noticed two Nazi skinheads hanging out. Seth pointed at them and said "This one goes out to wigger faggoos like you two, two years ago you were hanging out in your bedroom listening to 311." They then played 311 Sucks. After the song, one of the skinheads said "Fuck you". Seth dropped the microphone and tried to grab a table to throw at the guy. This guy was also like 6'6. People held onto the table so he couldn't throw it. Seth picked the mic back up and told the skinheads again that they were "pussy race-traitor wigger faggoos" and then tossed the mic stand in one of their faces. The big guy wen't to kick Seth's ass, but then Chris stood in front of him with his arms folded, smiling, just shaking his head "No".

The set continued, eventually they ran out of songs and decided to do some Picnic Of Love tracks, with Seth just holding the microphone up to his stomach. He started making fun of an Asian woman in the crowd. A kid from the Student Gov't ran up to me and said "Tell them to stop! This ends now! Over!" I said "Actually, you can tell them to stop" and we looked at the stage to see Seth goosestepping and seig-heiling. The kid called me a dick and ran off.

Two minutes later, the fire alarm wen't off, which I'm convinced the Student Gov't kid had pulled. Chris calmly walked over to the fire alarm, yanked it out of the wall, and spiked it like a football. Regardless the lights wen't on and campus safety showed up. I was already in trouble, and AC wanted to avoid getting arrested, so I walked Seth back to his car so that at least he wouldn't be arrested for extremely clear public intoxication, among other things. On the walk over, he kept alternating between "You really are a faggoo for booking us" and "You know this is all a joke, right?" At one point he said "You're Jewish, right?" and turned my wrist over to see if I had any tattoos. I walked him to the car and thanked him for playing a wonderful evening. I then ran back to my apartment because I saw cops everywhere, and skinheads roaming around.

Back at my apartment, I had two friends visiting from Long Island, and had to give them a ride back to the train station in White Plains. They gathered their things, we laughed about how ridiculous the day had been, and took off. Returning to campus with my friend, we saw both of AC's cars crashed into each other, surrounded by cop cars. We ducked our heads down and headed back to my apartment, not wanting anything to do with whatever drunk driving insanity had occurred.

A week later, I emailed Josh to thank him for the show, make sure their check arrived, and let him know that "I'd heard they'd gotten into a fender bender after the show" and if everything was ok. He responded "Everything was great! We were fucking around on the drive out and smashed into each other. The cops came and we just told them that we were rushing off campus because skinheads were chasing us. They fixed our car and escorted us to the Hutchinson River Parkway and we made it back to Boston without a scratch! Thanks!"

    I saw sitting alone at a Dennys around 11 PM. He ordered a giant stack of plain pancakes

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      By u/n3ll, its satire of the Flying Lotus at grocery store copypasta but changed to Ethan from h3h3 at Dennys doing weird stuff.

      I saw Ethan sitting alone at a Dennys around 11 PM. He ordered a giant stack of plain pancakes but he wasn't eating them. He just sat there and kept farting over and over and loudly blaming it on the server. The smell was so bad that people started leaving. Then he got up and started walking around and helping himself to the food people left. Every time he approached a table he’d twittle his fingers and say “don’t mind if I do” and then wink at me while taking a bite. I felt bad for the server so I left a big tip. When I asked about it she told me he does this at least once a week

      Tatsuki Fujimoto and his pet fish

        The quote came from the creator of Chainsaw Man, Tatsuki Fujimoto himself from 藤本タツキ短編集 22-26 [Fujimoto Tatsuki Tanpenshū 22-26]. The story is often joked around by his fans for its unhinged nature and explains the insanity of his mangas.

        Until age 24 or so, I lived with my girlfriend in a 15,000-yen apartment in Yamagata. The people around us were kind and would give us fruits and vegetables. So while we didn't have much, I think we ate a well-balanced diet.

Even though we were poor, we had a pet Japanese rice fish. I found it dead one summer. I went to toss its body in the trash like in Parasyte, but my girlfriend said she wanted me to bury it, so I went off into the park, alone. I tried to bury it under this big tree, but the ground was too hard, my hands got all dirty, and I had no hole to show for my effort. Out of options, I figured I would pretend I had buried the fish and left it lying there on top of the ground. As I watched it for a little while, ants found the body and began trying to carry it away. I'm not sure what came over me, but in that moment, love for the pet fish welled from within me for the first time. I brushed the ants away, and then I ate it.

The next day I had an upset stomach. And when my girlfriend suggested it was something I'd eaten, I came up with some lie cover up the fact that I'd eaten our pet fish. I've had people get mad at me many times throughout my life, and when I'm scared of that, the lies just spill out. Most of the time I get caught in them, but this time I didn't.

That brings us to now. The memory of lying to my girlfriend is far stronger than the guilt of eating our pet fish. Please allow me to confess my sin here.

        Soup Tube

          AKA the soup tube story is a post from r/relationship_advice back in 2020 where a woman was asking advice on her boyfriend ludicrous idea. Her boyfriend proposed an idea of constructing tubes within the city to deliver soup to customer’s homes on a monthly subscription basis.

          The original post has been removed by moderators but an archived copypasta version can be found on the copypasta sub.

          My (25F) boyfriend (25M) keeps asking me to invest in his "soup tube" business idea, and I am not sure how to deal with it

I have been living with my boyfriend for about 7 months. Two weeks ago he sat me down and presented a powerpoint presentation with his business idea. I knew he'd been working on an idea, but he didn't want to tell me about it until it was finished. Based on his enthusiasm and his prior seemingly intelligent nature, I thought maybe it'd be a pretty cool idea.

Instead he presented to me an idea about "soup tubes". The idea, if you can call it that, is to construct a series of tubes throughout our city that leads to centralized soup kitchens. For a monthly subscription, a customer can "subscribe to a tube of soup", and a tube extension would be built off the nearest mainline tube and directly into the customer apartment or home. Based on subscription level, that would determine the quantity of soup a customer could pour and how many types of soup. The "tubes" are basically the size of pipes, like you might see under a sink, but he insisted that "it MUST be called soup tube, not soup pipe, tube just zings better."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. At first I asked if he was crank yanking me or something, but he was completely sincere. Obviously, the idea is completely insane. The notion that the city would authorize somebody to construct a series of tubes everywhere that carry soup into homes is of course ludicrous. And even if such an initiative were approved, the costs for such an operation would be ridiculous. You would have to charge outrageous prices for customers to install and "subscribe" to a soup tube, and who would pay for such a service when canned soup costs like a dollar or two? Or you can buy soup from a restaurant for a few dollars? I explained these things as politely as I could but he dismissed them and all said that "tube based soup delivery is the wave of the future."

He then asked me how much I wanted to invest, and I told him nothing, and he looked absolutely heartbroken. Since then, almost every day he has asked again for me to invest, and keeps trying to sell me on the idea. He is also doing the same thing to a lot of his friends.

It is starting to drive me up the wall. First, I am at a loss as to how he can believe such a stupid idea is worthwhile, second it is really god damned annoying to be asked on a daily basis to invest in a system of soup tubes, and third I am also concerned for his sanity. Other than his apparent obsession with this though he has shown no other signs.

I would like some advice as to how I can reason with him, or whether I should even continue this relationship.

TL:DR - My boyfriend wants me to invest in a business venture wherein tubes would deliver soup.

          I saw Jacob Elordi at a store in Los Angeles yesterday

            Its an edited version of the Flying Lotus copypasta but changed to Jacob Elordi with Kingdom Hearts in the mix. It came after he revealed that Kingdom Hearts is his favorite video game of all time.

            I saw Jacob Elordi at a store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, that I also really love kingdom hearts and thought it was great he did too but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen keyblade keychains and shadow plushies in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by singing simple and clean

            Lamelo Ball car

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              A few months ago I was in downtown Charlotte for a business conference. I was standing on a street corner waiting for a cross signal when I'm blinded by the headlights of the tackiest Cybertruck I've ever seen. It swings around the corner, literally a few feet in front of me, windows down, and who do I see but Lamelo Ball looking right at me. We awkwardly held eye contact for about half a second while he rounds the corner, then he launches down the street. It almost made me laugh, one of the most bizarre and unexpected moments that I'll remember till the day I die.

Anyways, yeah I wouldn't get in Lamelo's car either.

              Kelvin Benjamin

              A few months ago I was at Golden Corral for a business conference. I was standing at the dessert bar waiting for a serving spoon when I'm blinded by the speed of the hungriest customer I've ever seen. He swings around the corner, literally a few inches in front of me, tongue out, and who do I see but Kelvin Benjamin looking right at me. We awkwardly held eye contact for about half a second while he rounds the corner, then he launches down the buffet line. It almost made me laugh, one of the most bizarre and unexpected moments that I'll remember till the day I die.