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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

How I scammed A destiny Viewer

    Its a joke posted on the HasanAbi subreddit but some people actually thought it was real. Both streamers, Hassan and Destiny are known to have beef against each other. 

    Hassanheads, you're gonna love this. So I buy cannabis pretty regularly, and a few days ago, I met this delivery guy who seemed pretty cool. We started talking about his job, and I felt like we were connecting. But then I asked him what podcasts he listened to while he drives, and he mentioned destiny. Instantly, I knew I was dealing with a deranged weirdo, and any connection that was there was gone. I sort of gave him an "ahhhhh" that tried to convey my judgement appropriately. Then, this awkward, bumbling loser tried to make conversation by asking me who I listened to, and I, of course, said hasanabi, the voice for the left. He said something like "Oh I like him too!", but I already knew who he was really a fan of. As we finished our business, I put the 20$ that I was going to use to tip weirdo back into my pocket, and went back inside. Boy am I glad I held off. I hope that guy learns what being a destiny fan will bring him 😠😠😠

    This is a lighthouse. Your call.

      The lighthouse aka I'm a lighthouse copypasta

      The lighthouse joke/copypasta is a popular story between a self-entitled U.S. Navy aircraft carrier and a lighthouse. It has been proven to be fake by the Navy themselves and its a popular joke or tale dating all the way back to 1930s.

      ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

      Porra infinita

        Its the Brazilian version of ‘Infinite Cum‘ copypasta.

        Porra infinita. VocĂȘ se senta no vaso sanitĂĄrio para se masturbar, mas começa a gozar incontrolavelmente. Depois de dez jorradas vocĂȘ começa a se preocupar. Sua mĂŁo estĂĄ pegajosa e cheira a sĂȘmen. VocĂȘ enfia seu pau desesperadamente em um pedaço de papel higiĂȘnico, mas isso sĂł faz suas bolas doerem. O esperma acelera. JĂĄ se passaram trĂȘs minutos. VocĂȘ nĂŁo para de gozar. O chĂŁo do banheiro estĂĄ coberto por uma fina camada de fluido de bebĂȘs. VocĂȘ tenta gozar no ralo do chuveiro, mas ele enche muito rĂĄpido. VocĂȘ tenta a privada. O esperma Ă© muito grosso para dar descarga. VocĂȘ tranca a porta do banheiro para evitar que o esperma escape. O ar fica quente e Ășmido com o esperma. O esperma acelera. VocĂȘ escorrega e cai em seu prĂłprio esperma. O esperma agora tem quinze centĂ­metros de profundidade, quase tĂŁo longo quanto sua mangueira de sĂȘmen ainda ereta. Esparramado de costas, vocĂȘ começa a gozar no teto. Gosmas do fluido branco pegajoso começam a cair como gotas de chuva, proporcionando uma gozada facial com seu prĂłprio esperma. O esperma acelera. VocĂȘ luta para ficar de pĂ© enquanto a força do esperma começa a impulsionĂĄ-lo para trĂĄs, como se vocĂȘ estivesse num escorregador com o tema bukkake. Ainda de joelhos, o esperma agora estĂĄ na altura do queixo. Para evitar afogamento vocĂȘ abre a porta do banheiro. O dilĂșvio de suco humano lembra a Grande Inundação de Melaço de 1919, sĂł que com esperma em vez de melaço. O esperma acelera. Duas horas se passaram. Seus filhos e sua esposa gritam de terror enquanto seus corpos sĂŁo engolfados pela lama branca como a neve. Seu filho mais novo afunda, com bolhas viscosas e gritos abafados saindo da gosma. VocĂȘ implora a Deus para acabar com seu sofrimento. O esperma acelera. VocĂȘ aperta seu pau para parar o esperma. Ele começa a vazar pelo seu cu.

        PRESENCIEI UM CASAL MUITO ESTRANHO

          Its a spinoff of the original story ‘VI MINHA AMIGA TRANSANOD‘ following the POV of the bartender who witnessed the date.

          Trabalho como bartender e jĂĄ vi de tudo, , madrugada Ă© um circo que vocĂȘs nĂŁo tem noção, , mas eu presenciei um encontro que nunca imaginei nem na minha pior embriaguez...

Expediente começou normal, , um ou outro moleque pagando de bom querendo beber mais que monza tubarão, , menininha de faculdade que o pai acha que tå estudando aqui me dando mole pra ver se ganha drink de graça, , normal.

Mas meu irmĂŁo, que merda foi aquela? Um maluco que parecia uma versĂŁo raquitica do moleque do ratatui senta numa mesa e pede duas cervejas porque tĂĄ esperando uma menina pra um encontro, ,beleza, ok,, passaram-se 20 minutos e chega uma menina com uma mochila estilo alpinista, daquelas que pegam as costas inteiras da pessoa e mais um pouco...

MERMÃO, ,A MULHER ME TIRA UMA MENINA COTOCA DE DENTRO DA MOCHILA.

Não era uma anã ou uma criança, , era uma mulher sem braço nem perna

Não bastasse, não sei de onde caralhos, ela pede pro meu colega uma CADEIRINHA DE CRIANÇA, NUMA BAR?! E o desgraçado conseguiu

Dai pro resto da noite não consegui mais prestar atenção em nada, um maluco estranho dando caipiroska na boca de uma mina sem membros enquanto a amiga mestre pokémon observava de perto,

E o pior, eu acho que depois disso eles sairam pra um menage, porque o carro meteu a a cotoca no braço, levou ela e a amiga pro uninho e meteu bala

que noite!

          I WITNESSED A VERY STRANGE COUPLE

          I work as a bartender and I've seen it all, the early morning is a circus you have no idea about, but I witnessed a meeting I never imagined even when I was drunk...

The workday started out normal, with some kid pretending to be cool and wanting to drink more than Monza TubarĂŁo, a college girl whose dad thinks she's studying here flirting with me to see if she can get a free drink, normal.

But my brother, what the hell was that? A crazy guy who looked like a rickety version of the kid from Ratatouille sits at a table and orders two beers because he's waiting for a girl to go on a date, okay, ok, 20 minutes passed and a girl arrives with a mountaineering-style backpack, the kind that takes up the person's entire back and then some...

BRUNETTE, THE WOMAN TAKES A GIRL OUT OF MY BACKPACK.

It wasn't a dwarf or a child, it was a woman with no arms or legs

As if that wasn't enough, I don't know where the fuck she came from, she asked my friend for a CHILD SEAT, IN A BAR?! And the bastard got it

From then on, for the rest of the night, I couldn't pay attention to anything, a strange crazy guy giving caipiroska to a girl with no limbs while her friend, the Pokémon master, watched closely,

And the worst part, I think after that they went out for a threesome, because the car hit her in the arm, took her and her friend to the club and started shooting

What a night!

          I saw Frye from Deep Cut at a Mako Mart yesterday.

            Frye Onaga copypasta

            Parody of the Flying Lotus copypasta but changed into Frye from Splatoon.

            I saw Frye Onaga at a Mako Mart in Splatsville yesterday. I told her how fresh it was to meet her in person, but I didn’t want to be a stockfish and bother her and ask for photos or anything.
She said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but she kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing her hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard her chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw Frye trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen frozen shwaffles in her arms without paying.
The jellyfish at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Miss, you need to pay for those first.” At first she kept pretending to not understand jellyfish language, but eventually turned back around and brought the shwaffles to the counter.

When they took one of the shwaffles and started scanning it multiple times, she stopped them and told them to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After they scanned each shwaffle and put them in a bag and started to say the price, she kept interrupting them by yawning really loudly.

Did anyone else have such weird encounters with an idol?

            VI MINHA AMIGA TRANSANOD

              É isso, eu tenha essa amiga especial (no dulplo sentido) que eu tenho desde a infĂąncia. Ela nĂŁo tem os braços e as pernas, ela Ă© um... um pedaço! Tava cansada de ir na casa dela para alimenta-la enquanto assitiamos vods do programa do jo soares. Dai um dia eu falei para ela tentar arranjar um namorado. Ela ficou toda excitada, tĂŁo excitada que seu nariz começou a escorrer e eu tive que limpar (mas tudo bem, estou acostumada a limpar ela depois do xixi e coco). Dai fizemos um tinder pra ela usando de perfil a foto do torso dela. Um cara feinho e esqueletico deu match e eles começaram a conversar (no caso, ela ia falando e eu teclando). Que menina mais baixa! NĂŁo conhecia esse lado obscuro dela. Falava cada baixaria... enfim, marcaram um encontro e eu levei ela dentro duma mochila pro bar. Chegando la, pedi uma cadeirinha infantil daquelas altas e botei ela ali e tomei uma distancia de algumas mesas para observar a cena e cuidar dela caso fosse preciso. O homem chegou e sentou do lado dela. Ele foi tao fofo que deu de beber pra ela! Percebi que o papo ia bem porque ela começou com os tremeliques que sĂł faz em casos de felicidade. Sabia que aquilo ia terminar na cama, mas fiquei incomodada por nao saber o que fazer entao. Dai depoois de um tempo ela me acenou com a cabeça e fui ate eles. "Va com a gente pra casa dele, preciso da sua companhia pra voltar pra casa depois", ela me disse. "Tudo bem", eu retornei, mas com uma ansiedade palpitando no coração. O homem pegou ela com um so braço e a levou ate o caixa, pagaram e entraram num fiat uno quadrado. Eu fui atras, com o meu carro. Chegando la na casa dele, a minha amiga me disse que precisava de mim, que queria que eu estivesse presente e eu, toda melindrosa, aceitei. Começaram com beijos jĂĄ acalorosos, desses que os labios deslizam uns nos outros. O cara ficou duro muito rapido e percebi que seus braços estavam cansados de segura-la. Nao deu outra: ele a jogou na cama como se fosse um saquinho de gelo desses que se compra em posto de gasolina e começou a meter nela. Meteu meteu meteu e ela, toda reduzida em cabeça e tronco, nao parava de gemer olha do para mim. Por um momento pensei "que orgulho da.minha meninota", mas depois me senti mal porque jĂĄ nao era mais a minha amiga cabaça e tansa que eu via ali, mas uma linda borboleta sem asas prestes a nĂŁo voar no mundo. EntĂŁo entrei em choque e minhas lagrimas rapidamente secaram. Fiquei puta com o cara e com ela, me joguei em cima do homem, arranhei sua cara e, no tempo dele se recompor, peguei a minha amiga no colo (a porra do cara vazava pela vagina dela) e fechei ela dentro da mochila. Levei ela pra casa aos berros abafados pelo tecido da mochila, liguei um vod do jo soares e preparei uma banana amassada com aveia e dei pra ela comer, sĂł que ela nĂŁo queria comer porque estava chateada comigo. Sou babaca por ter interrompido a transa da minha amiga?

              I SAW MY FRIEND HAVING SEX

              That's it, I have this special friend (in both senses) that I've had since childhood. She doesn't have arms and legs, she's a... a piece! I was tired of going to her house to feed her while we watched vods of the Jo Soares show. Then one day I told her to try to find a boyfriend. She got all excited, so excited that her nose started running and I had to clean it (but that's okay, I'm used to cleaning her after she pees and poops). So we made a Tinder account for her using a picture of her torso as her profile. An ugly, scrawny guy matched and they started chatting (in this case, she was talking and I was typing). What a short girl! I didn't know about this dark side of her. She talked so much dirty stuff... anyway, they set up a date and I took her to the bar in a backpack. When I got there, I asked for one of those high children's chairs and put her there, then stood a few tables away to watch the scene and take care of her if necessary. The man came and sat next to her. He was so sweet that he gave her a drink! I could tell the conversation was going well because she started shaking like she only does when she's happy. I knew it was going to end in bed, but I felt uncomfortable because I didn't know what to do then. Then after a while she nodded to me and I went over to them. "Come with us to his house, I need your company to go home later," she told me. "Okay," I said, but my heart was pounding with anxiety. The man picked her up with one arm and took her to the cashier, they paid and got into a square Fiat Uno. I followed in my car. When I got to his house, my friend told me that she needed me, that she wanted me to be there, and I, all touchy, accepted. They started with heated kisses, the kind where your lips slide against each other. The guy got hard very quickly and I noticed that his arms were tired from holding her. There was no other way: he threw her on the bed as if she were a bag of ice, like the ones you buy at a gas station, and started fucking her. He fucked her and fucked her and she, all reduced to head and torso, wouldn't stop moaning and looking at me. For a moment I thought "I'm so proud of my little girl", but then I felt bad because it was no longer my silly, lazy friend that I saw there, but a beautiful wingless butterfly about to fly away in the world. Then I went into shock and my tears quickly dried up. I was pissed off at the guy and at her, I threw myself on top of the man, scratched his face and, while he was recovering, I picked up my friend (the guy's cum was leaking out of her vagina) and locked her inside my backpack. I took her home screaming, muffled by the fabric of the backpack, turned on some Jo Soares Vod and made her a mashed banana with oatmeal and gave it to her to eat, but she didn't want to eat it because she was mad at me. Am I an idiot for interrupting my friend's sex?