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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

I fucked a DVD.

    isn't the hole of a dvd pretty small?
    Source
    Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it started being painful. My pp was stuck in the dvd, and I had to break it in half to get if out. It was then when I flipped the broken dvd over and realized that it was not a blank dvd, but a copy of the movie UP.

Well guys, guess I fucked up.

    She just keeps winning.

      Source
      This is an update regarding my friend Sara. As some of you may or may not have known, I have a friend who started playing Limbus and she's infinity better then me at everything. I grew to be spiteful of her secretly praying on her downfall rubbing my hands hoping she fails every clash and every mirror dungeon run she does. Praying every extract is absolutely dog ass. Anyways. Recently she got to Canto 4, and she mentioned getting a new Ishmael ID. This was Sloshing Ismael. Seeing as she was new to the game I see my opportunity and took it. I told her Sloshing Ishmael was The best Ishmael ID and she believed it! She fell for it!! So naive!! How do you like that Sara!? Huh!? And to make it better she was fighting Dongbaek (my wife), and was stuck on her for awhile! (My pookie was helping me) As for me it didn't take me long (she let me win) so not only did I trick her but I was AHEAD OF HER. Things were finally looking up for me!! For once, I had... hope. And then...T-Corp Rodion and Don Came out. Now I love Don Quixote...I love Rodion but Don Quixote is my love. My wife. My pookie. I saw her and I had to get her. I rolled and rolled. But I.... didn't get her. Big Hat Don didn't come home.....But Sara.... Sara got Her first try... there's another person too we'll name him Jacob....they both Got TCorp Don....FUCK YOU JACOB!!!! My life is....Over ...My glory was short lived....I miss Dongbaek....I miss Don..... I'm..... empty now.... there's nothing left for me..... I'm....washed.....Sara noticed how bummed I was about not getting TDon and offered me to use hers as a support. The auDACITY to give me her sloppy seconds....was this truly how low she thought of me? I don't want any handy downs. I would much rather suffer without any TCorp Dons. However due to recent consideration....I realized Sara...perhaps I....treated you too harshly....maybe....we can rekindle our friendship. If you're reading this I'm sorry for the one sided beef but not really. There's.... someone else.... Jacob. If you're reading this, which you most likely are.... You know what you are, and what you did. Your days have been numbered. Count your second, and your minutes. Sleep with one eye open.... I'm always lurking....

      I saw a Warhammer Dev at a Waitrose store in Horsham yesterday.

        Parody of the Flying Lotus copypasta but edited to fit the narrative from a post on r/totalwar where a player meet a dev.

        I saw a Warhammer Dev at a Waitrose store in Horsham yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

        The Milk Route

          Today I had a weird dream where there was a fourth Undertale route called The Milk Route. The requirements to trigger this route were similar to the pacifist route, which is to spare everyone, then go to Grillby's bar and approach him, who will serve us a glass of milk instead of alcohol as Frisk is too young to drink. Frisk will then drink milk and ask for more until Grillby gets out of stock. After that, our character gets drunk on milk. The sprite will change, showing Frisk with a drunken smile. As we leave the bar, Sans asks us what happened to us, we become milk addicts and our mission will be to search milk in the Underground instead of confronting Asgore. In one scene, Toriel and Papyrus blames Sans for the irresponsibility of getting a child drunk, which Sans will deny. We'll also see scenes where Flowey goes berserk over the player's quest for milk in the Underground, instead of doing everything according to his plans. A cutscene also shows Frisk being swept away by a river as we falls into it, taking us completely away from the main goal. The final boss is then Flowey in his normal form, who has gone lunatic after we've found ourselves in a remote location. Our only healing items were milk, and we were unable to act. The fight ended with Frisk eating Flowey, and the game ended with Frisk falling to the ground. A black background with text asking us how we could have messed up our gameplay so badly. Another alternate ending showed Frisk and Asriel in his god form both getting drunk and singing together.

          A frat guy copypasta

            Originally posted on r/copypasta, the backstory is that some frat guy had a meltdown due to the Covid lockdowns and his rant was meme-d and made into a copypasta.

            What I think people who are not in the Greek System need to understand is that partying isn't just something we do. It's ingrained into our lives. Many people, these days, are perfectly content with sitting on their computers all day playing video games. I used to be a competitive gamer and I used to do this. After joining the Greek system, partying became a new norm that was ingrained into my life. We need it for our wellbeing. It helps us escape society. There have even been studies that show how necessary gatherings are for our wellbeing. The fact that it was stripped away from us, especially by something that barely affects us specifically is very detrimental to our mental state. People are giving us so much crap for it, yet they don't know what it's like for us to be deprived of everything that's fun for us.

            CS major

            What I think people who are not a CS major at the Paul G. Allen school of computer science at engineering at UW need to understand is that rubbing our major into everyone’s face isn’t just something we do. It’s ingrained into our lives. Many people, these days, are perfectly content without having to make every LinkedIn post a sappy fake inspirational success story. I used to not cry myself to sleep at night and I used to have this. After joining the University of Washington, worshipping the tech CEO’s and making my internship my whole personality became a new norm that was ingrained into my life. We do not have any wellbeing. It has removed us from society. There have even been studies that show how stacking up on the tech merch to flex my DE Shaw sweatpants, my Microsoft socks, my Amazon headband and my GoldmanSachs gloves that I hoarded from the career fair to seek validity in the CSE undergrad lounge is for our wellbeing. The fact that this was stripped away from us, especially by something that may one day help us change the world for the better is very conflicting to our mental state. People are complaining and talking so much crap right now, yet they don’t know what it’s like for us to already have been deprived of everything that’s fun or even healthy…

            This new generation of pledges is so soft. Back in my day…

              Started from an unhinge rant on the Reddit, it has become a well known copypasta within frat community.

              This new generation of pledges is so soft. Back in my day...

I’ll tell you shitstains, back in my pledgeship, we had it so rough... or so much better, I can't tell anymore. anyway, every day, we would wake up at 2 in the morning and go to the house for cleaning. we all lived in the dorms, you see, so it was basically one room. and we would ask, me and my 17 pledge brothers, "what's the plan sir?". they would smack us all with a paddle and make us say "thank you sir may I have another". and if we complained and said "but we had beatings yesterday" - because we had beatings every day - they would smack us all five times with a larger paddle with holes in it and say "what’s every brother’s middle name and hometown. I swear I’m gonna make i-week suck so much for you", i-week was about the same as waterboarding back in the day. then we would head to class. we met up with the Fiji kids from down the hall, and walked the 6 miles to school. on the way to school, we had to walk up a hill so tall it extended to outer space. when we got to the top of the hill, we would see the SAE boys in their fancy BMWs - which they dont make like they used to, and we would call out to them “sexual assault expected”. then, when we got to class at 4 in the morning, the professor would come up to us and say "you retards are late", then he would smack us all with another paddle 10 times and tell us we had 7 years till we’d graduate. then, we went back to the house, and the seniors would say "ok line up pussies", then spank us each 60 times, then make us beer bong 40 times each. then it was 6 at night and we had to walk home. then, when we got home, we'd text the girls floor "what’s the move", and they’d ghost us or say "do I know you”. and if we kept trying, they would text our pledge master and say "your pledges are soft, haze them harder later. Btw when is the next party" - the pledge master never invited them to shit. then, when the seniors got home from their two 100 level classes they re-took as a requirement, they’d make us get on bows and toes. if we had been naughty, they’d make us do it on bottle caps. then, at 7:04, the secretary would say "ok time for chapter". then, we got into our pledge uniforms, and we would recite the Greek alphabet until the upperclassmen were happy. on saturdays (which were for the boys), we went down to the liveout to clean. we would have to pick up 420 cans each, all while fighting off the homeless. we would get on the party bus and pay our fare of bringing two freshmen each - one as our date and one for a brother. then, if there weren’t enough girls at the after party, the pledge master would make us run a mile while doing Edward 40 hands. if any of us spilled a drop, we would take off an article of clothing and we had to sprint the rest of the way. when we got back to the liveout, the pledge master would show up to the gate with his bong, make us hit it 780 times with Dokha, and tell us to get in the basement so we could clean. then, we had to scrub the dance floor with a toothbrush while blasting darude sandstorm - now, they don’t make eurodance like they used to, and it was about 1234.5 degrees spencer, or 69 degrees centigrade using your new-fangled nationals system. then, we would have to “milk the cows” - now, they dont make sigma cattle like they used to, so each cow weighed about 6.9 alpha phis, or 3.2 chads in your new-fangled nationals system. if you touched a cows tit, it would fall in love with you and you could be crushed, so you had to be really careful when you milked the cows. then, when we were done, the pledge master would say "ok bitch boys time for your reward". he would give us each a handle of fleischmanns - which is worth about one blackout each - and make us kill it before we left. on sundays, we would meet the axo girls and go down to the dorm food halls - now, they don't make dorm food like they used to, so this food was about as dank as a five star restaurant, and as unhealthy as eating a juul pod, and only cost 3 points. we would eat and go lift near the campus, calling the foreign exchange students pussies, and the Pikes dumbass tryhards. now - they don't make Pike like they used to, so this kid had a skull as thick as Lizzo, and was roided up enough that his shirt started choking him at the neck. one day, the pike dropped a dumbbell on his foot. when it hit, the only bit of his foot we could recognize was his uncut toenail. we called him a retard and told him to get off the bench. his friend said "oh its just a scratch you pussy, dont worry pop another xan and you'll be right" and he gave the kid some pills and a kiss and we could tell they were both pikes. after we finished lifting, we would go to the Asian lady’s store and get some 4Loko with our fakes. now, back in the day, you could give the shopkeeper a fake - which is worth about as much as you paid for it - and she would give you a wink and upcharge the shit out of you. so we would say thanks for the lokos, and we'd go to the dorms and drink them. now, we didn't have any of your fancy liquor laws back in the day, so there was all kinds of stuff in our lokos. alcohol, caffeine, whatever is in monster energy drinks--you name it. so we would always get a little lit after our lokos. one day, when we were hammered, we went up the dean’s car, the only lambo in the town, and pissed on it. as we pissed on it, we saw him storming down the street holding his ridiculous salary. "you degenerates, having fun while i do nothing all day in my office just so you can have a degree to maybe get a job, i oughta suspend you all". we were sure he was going to suspend us, but then he said "no, i got a better idea, ill give you more community service hours, that’ll set ya right". now, our community service chair had told us about getting our hours. he was a kiss ass from the chartering days, when they actually got hours and made grades, but we never did that now. our president walked us all down to campus, and we saw a shitty sorority event put on by girls who didn’t drink or have sex until college. "ladies," said our president, "i have some idiots here who need a good charity event". then, the girls made us get out our wallets, and made us each give them all our cash. then, our president said "right, i gotta go back to fucking this sorority’s president, you morons run to the house now". now, by now it was 9pm, which meant it was pregame time again. while we were stumbling out of our rooms, we heard a geed shout "glad I don’t pay for my friends". we turned around and saw this dweeb we sent home during rush. we beat the brakes off him, each landing 160265 punches, then told him better luck next year. now - they don't make rush events like they used to - you have to be sober now, and the new generation is full of pussies. our pledgeship lasted about 13526 years, until we finally got initiated after the most brutal hazing you couldn’t imagine. then, they hit us all 1292 times with a congratulatory paddle, and told us we’d still be bitches for the rest of our lives. so don't you come complaining to me about nonsense like a scavenger hunt without beer bonging ciroc and pepper sauce.