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Storytime

Copypasta of a person’s past experience or events that is so absurd it became a meme of its own. Usually untrue stories that tries to circle jerk opinions.

One fart ruined my whole career

    Source
    I was there on the top balcony of capital records with wiz khalifa and his management team. Verbally,we had come to an agreement I would be producing a track featured on his next album. We were outside on the balcony, passing a joint around, when it happened. I took a big puff, coughed and accidentally farted very loudly. Everybody stopped talking and stared at me. Wiz stood quiet. He then said "hahaha you're crazy man. Well I gotta take care of some things now". Everybody left. I never got a call back or email or anything. It turns out that song was see you again on the fast and furious film. Fuck man

    Serj bullied me in high school

      Created by r/dookiebutt777, its a shitpost story of getting bullied by Serj Tankian the lead vocalist for the band System of a Down. The absurd story then got adopted by other fanbase and became a copypasta.

      Serj bullied me in high school. Only problem I was in high school from 2016-2020 and Serj was already like 50 by that point. He didn’t go to the same school I went to or even live in the same state for that matter. It was so bizarre to find him waiting for me outside at the bus stop every afternoon just to make fun of me in front of my crush or knock things out of my hands. One time I sang a System of a Down cover at a school talent show and the whole crowd cheered after I had finished, letting me know I did well but after the applause had died down, Serj stood up from the very back of the audience and booed me really aggressively and made sure that everyone knew it was his song and he can do it better. Another time he even told my bus driver that I had crabs and if he lets me on the bus I’m liable to get everyone on the bus infested which was just a total lie. I’ve never met Serj before this started happening and am from a pretty small remote town in Tennessee. The final time I ever saw him was at my graduation ceremony, somehow he had gotten involved with the whole program and was standing on stage beside my high school’s principal shaking the students’ hands. When it was my turn to walk across the stage and I locked eyes with Serj for the final time, he gripped my hand firmly and said “no one will ever believe what I’ve done to you, but know that you are going to be a better man because of it.” I’m still not sure why a millionaire musician would randomly decide to start doing this to someone, or how it affected me into being a better person in the long run, but at least I have this story to tell.

      Edmund McMillen bullied me in high school

      Edmund McMillen bullied me in high school. Only problem I was in high school from 2016-2020 and Edmund was already like 40 by that point. He didn’t go to the same school I went to or even live in the same state for that matter. It was so bizarre to find him waiting for me outside at the bus stop every afternoon just to make fun of me in front of my crush or knock things out of my hands. One time I sang Living in the light cover at a school talent show and the whole crowd cheered after I had finished, letting me know I did well but after the applause had died down, Edmund stood up from the very back of the audience and booed me really aggressively and made sure that everyone knew it was his song and he can do it better. Another time he even told my bus driver that I had crabs and if he lets me on the bus I’m liable to get everyone on the bus infested which was just a total lie. I’ve never met Edmund before this started happening and am from a pretty small remote town in Tennessee. The final time I ever saw him was at my graduation ceremony, somehow he had gotten involved with the whole program and was standing on stage beside my high school’s principal shaking the students’ hands. When it was my turn to walk across the stage and I locked eyes with Edmund for the final time, he gripped my hand firmly and said “no one will ever believe what I’ve done to you, but know that you are going to be a better man because of it.” I’m still not sure why a millionaire game designer would randomly decide to start doing this to someone, or how it affected me into being a better person in the long run, but at least I have this story to tell.

      I saw critically acclaimed actor Mon Confiado at a grocery store

        This is the Flying Lotus copypasta but changed into Mon Confiado, a Filipino actor. This particular Mon Confiado copypasta started gaining traction when the Filipino actor himself posted on FB accusing the shitposter (ileiad) of defamation for posting the copypasta of him.

        The “Flying Lotus at a grocery store” started as a meme on 4chan and has since been adapted to many different celebrities and variations.

        I saw critically-acclaimed actor Mon Confiado at a grocery store in Marikina yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.

He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”

I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

        Mon Confiado’s FB post

        Ayoko na sana patulan itong certain Ileiad na ito… pero tama pa ba ang ginagawa ng mga content creator na ito? Gumawa ng story using my name & my photo… na meet daw nya ako sa grocery at magpapa picture daw sya pero dinuro duro ko daw sya sa mukha at nakita nya na hindi ko binayaran ang 15 Milky Way Choco Bars na kinuha ko… at pinagsisigawan ko daw ang cashier ng grocery. Pinapalabas pa nito na magnanakaw ako… nung sinita ko. Joke daw ito at ito ay “Copypasta” at biglang nilagyan ng “disclaimer” ang post nya pero huli na. Pero hindi pa din inaalis ang post nya. Joke at my expense? Joke pero nakakasira ng tao? Bakit ka magjo joke sakin? Close ba tayo? Parang sobra na itong mga ito ah at para makakuha lang ng mga likes kahit makasagasa sila ng tao. Tapos sasabihin Joke. Ang daming nag message sa akin at tinatanong kung totoo ba ito? Of course, Sabi ko hindi yan totoo. Never happened. At hindi ako ganung tao. At may pagka mayabang pa itong Ileiad na ito… nung sinabi ko idedemanda ko sya dahil ayaw pa nya tanggalin ang post nya. Threat daw ba ito? Grabe itong taong ito!

        Most ‘sex education’ past the basics relies on linux user logic

          Started from a 10th Dentist post on Reddit, it has become a meme for its jab at Linux user and its absurdities.

          Most 'sex education' past the basics relies on linux user logic (it doesn't work in practice)

So I was at a furry convention a couple months ago and I was at a panel where a guy was explaining how he fit insanely huge dildos up his ass. To be fair, the guy was a bit drunk explaining it but the panel just didn't convince me. He tried to convince the audience how asshole stretching is a myth, how the inside of the anus will over time reshape itself to accommodate extremely large dragon dildos, how you absolutely need to use certain kinds of lubricants or the dildo will be entirely ruined by depolymerization, how you need to be constantly paying attention to what you're doing or you fuck things up (like how his surgeon once shaped the inside of his ass back to normal, which fucked up years of training his anus to accommodate the dildos) etc etc etc...

It really struck me how much of it seemed exactly like the kinds of rationalizations a linux user might come up with. You need to constantly be doing everything perfectly and any fuck up is because you weren't informed enough, therefore it's entirely your fault. There's also the exact same extremely opinionated takes on every topic - literally when someone tries to convince me to use something like GNOME or Wayland on Linux, I think back to how hard that panelist was trying to push buying dildos from Etsy businesses instead of Bad Dragon. I think in any community that encourages black and white thinking, whatever information is provided will inevitably only help those who obsess over minutae while providing a bad experience for anyone else... which in my controversial opinion describes kink spaces pretty accurately.

          I fucked a DVD.

            isn't the hole of a dvd pretty small?
            Source
            Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it started being painful. My pp was stuck in the dvd, and I had to break it in half to get if out. It was then when I flipped the broken dvd over and realized that it was not a blank dvd, but a copy of the movie UP.

Well guys, guess I fucked up.

            She just keeps winning.

              Source
              This is an update regarding my friend Sara. As some of you may or may not have known, I have a friend who started playing Limbus and she's infinity better then me at everything. I grew to be spiteful of her secretly praying on her downfall rubbing my hands hoping she fails every clash and every mirror dungeon run she does. Praying every extract is absolutely dog ass. Anyways. Recently she got to Canto 4, and she mentioned getting a new Ishmael ID. This was Sloshing Ismael. Seeing as she was new to the game I see my opportunity and took it. I told her Sloshing Ishmael was The best Ishmael ID and she believed it! She fell for it!! So naive!! How do you like that Sara!? Huh!? And to make it better she was fighting Dongbaek (my wife), and was stuck on her for awhile! (My pookie was helping me) As for me it didn't take me long (she let me win) so not only did I trick her but I was AHEAD OF HER. Things were finally looking up for me!! For once, I had... hope. And then...T-Corp Rodion and Don Came out. Now I love Don Quixote...I love Rodion but Don Quixote is my love. My wife. My pookie. I saw her and I had to get her. I rolled and rolled. But I.... didn't get her. Big Hat Don didn't come home.....But Sara.... Sara got Her first try... there's another person too we'll name him Jacob....they both Got TCorp Don....FUCK YOU JACOB!!!! My life is....Over ...My glory was short lived....I miss Dongbaek....I miss Don..... I'm..... empty now.... there's nothing left for me..... I'm....washed.....Sara noticed how bummed I was about not getting TDon and offered me to use hers as a support. The auDACITY to give me her sloppy seconds....was this truly how low she thought of me? I don't want any handy downs. I would much rather suffer without any TCorp Dons. However due to recent consideration....I realized Sara...perhaps I....treated you too harshly....maybe....we can rekindle our friendship. If you're reading this I'm sorry for the one sided beef but not really. There's.... someone else.... Jacob. If you're reading this, which you most likely are.... You know what you are, and what you did. Your days have been numbered. Count your second, and your minutes. Sleep with one eye open.... I'm always lurking....