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Reddit

Copypasta and circle jerk response to reddit culture or hivemind mentality. Primarily done to ridicule AITA sub or r/relationship_advice absurd nature.

POV You’re a redditor and see an emoji

    It was a bright day. I woke up at 3 pm after a long night of humping my Zero Two body pillow. I get out of my bed, as I get up I smell the buildup of sweat and bacteria that have built up on the mattress as I have not showered in the past 2 months. I go to the shower. I notice that my zero two body pillow is sticked on my back. Probably because of the huge amounts of cum on her. I gently remove her from my back. The cum is hard and it pulled a chunk of my back hair. After I finish showering I shave my beard very elegantly. It's beautiful... You can't tell where the beard ends and my chest hair starts. 4chan would be proud of me. I waddle my big choker body to the kitchen. I eat 69 chicken tenders (nice) with honey mussy. I take a big sip of mountain dew and waddle my elegant chungus body to my room. I go to reddit r/Aww to look at some animals as I have not gone outside in the last 2 years. I saw very cute animals, it almost made me say "Wholesome 100" out loud. But then I saw something unimaginable. Something that has completely ruined the post, no, my whole day. I see that the title has emojis in it. I scratch my beard thinking of what I should do... I am way to intelligent to not do anything or to just move on. No. This deserves justice. I think about the current state of reddit and of it's downfal. I see flashbacks of a year ago when it was good, before the insta normies took over and normalised the use of emojis. I remember when we used to make fun of them. Thinking about how they ruined reddit for me makes me angry. But I do not want to step down to their level. I simply comment "Reddit law requiers i downvote for excessive emoji usage". I post my comment. Another insta normie owned. I quietly say "based". I am satisfied.

    Fresh off the boat, from reddit, kid?

      Its a 4chan copypasta that is often used ironically and unironically to mock Redditors who goes onto that site.

      Fresh off the boat, from reddit, kid? heh I remember when I was just like you. Braindead. Lemme give you a tip so you can make it in this cyber sanctuary: never make jokes like that. You got no reputation here, you got no name, you got jackshit here. It's survival of the fittest and you ain't gonna survive long on 4chan by saying stupid jokes that your little hugbox cuntsucking reddit friends would upboat. None of that here. You don't upboat. You don't downboat. This ain't reddit, kid. This is 4chan. We have REAL intellectual discussion, something I don't think you're all that familiar with. You don't like it, you can hit the bricks on over to imgur, you daily show watching son of a bitch. I hope you don't tho. I hope you stay here and learn our ways. Things are different here, unlike any other place that the light of internet pop culture reaches. You can be anything here. Me ? heh, I'm a judge.. this place.... this place has a lot to offer... heh you'll see, kid . . . that is if you can handle it...

      AITA For Killing My Political Rival To Win The Election?

        Using an alt account because of people trace this back to me my reelection chances might get hurt.

I (74M) am finishing up my first term as President of the United States of America. Let me tell you, America is an incredible country, probably one of the best countries in the whole nation. As my reelection comes closer and closer, my opponent Sleepy Joe has been leading in approval ratings, and I began to get worried. Let me tell you, I am the best at being worried. Just ask anybody in my administration, I get worried like no other president. Anyways, I was considering putting Sleepy Joe to sleep for good, which I think is a service not only to his family, but also the nation as a whole. I was going to ask my good pal Putin to borrow some of that poison he’s using to silence the libtards in his country. So Reddit, am I the asshole?

EDIT: I’m not Donald Trump.

EDIT 2: Stop saying I’m Donald Trump.

EDIT 3: Bitches I got the nuclear launch codes keep testing me and you can say bye bye to the Caribbean’s.

EDIT 4: Adios Bahamas.

REAL EDIT (Ignore if not the FBI): For legal reasons, this is all revolving a Minecraft server with my friends, not the current political events surrounding the United States. No public officials are being threatened here, just my friends virtual avatar. Don’t worry FBI, we’re all good.

        TIFU by using Belle Delphine’s Gamer Girl condoms

          Quick backstory to why I even had one in the first place (I'm not a simp I swear)

A couple weeks ago it was my irl cake day and as a joke/gag gift, my friend bought 2 gamer girl condoms as he knew my gf and I were getting it on and wanted to embarrass us (we all laughed and no one was upset). I open up the small package and see the 2 of them just sitting there and couldn't control my laughter. But that's not why you're here to. Let's fast forward 2 days. My gf and I are starting to get steamy and right as we get that feeling, I realize I don't have any condoms and didn't buy any recently. So, in my stroke of genius, I remember the gift and go to my closet, take one, do a mental happy tap dance, and proceed (anyone over the age of 13 knows what happened next). Alright, let's now fast forward to yesterday. The past couple days my gf has been feeling off. Mostly an upset stomach. She also said she had this weird feeling as she said she was supposed to be on her girls days a few days ago (I don't know how they know that stuff). Then she looks at me with fear in her eyes as she nearly yells Oh GOD and say we have to go to the drugstore right now. So we do that, she goes into the bathroom, and. She's. Pregnant. My first thought was holy shit ima be a dad, then how would we support the kid. My gf hugs me and we just sit there, not knowing what to do. She isn't sure she's ready for a for a kid. But I'm going to fast forward again 5 minutes to when I wonder how this happened in the first place. Then I remember the condom. So I return to my closet, open the second one, put my finger in it and rub it against my hand. In 5 minutes, I can see tears start to appear (I had a bit of lube of it to recreate the circumstances). And I knew that's how it happened. That's how I fucked up by using Gamer girl condoms. Thank you if u managed to read this far, fuckin legend.

TL:DR I got my gf pregnant bc of sucky condoms

Edit: I'll give an update in a few days to a week.

          AITA for telling my black friend that his existence is an example of forced diversity?

            To put it simply, I'm a gamer, a die hard one in fact. I'm someone who absolutely despises politics in my video games. I remember coming home from school ready to play apolitical gems such as Bioshock and MGS with a nice plate of chicken nuggies (my mom made) at my side.

But those days are over, now its normal for a black person to not be a walking stereotype, and for women to no longer just be sex objects. Whenever I see 2 women kissing in my games (not in porn) I almost cry and think of how the neo-Marxist-SJW-gay agenda has ruined video games and traditional gaming values.

And after learning about this, I realize that my only black friend I have is political! It's sad to say that as we've been friends since the good ol MW2 lobbies. He didn't approve of me saying the n-word constantly but we still got along!

So I decided to tell him that I didn't approve of him inserting his political agenda into my life and I cut all ties with him. Although he didn't really seem to care when I told him, he just called me a racist basement dweller without a job. (Him calling me a racist is the only part that isn't true) Our relationship kinda fell out of place when I accidentally called him a racial slur. (Heated gamer moment)

Anyways I just wrote this to see if you guys think I did the right thing.