Copypasta and circle jerk response to reddit culture or hivemind mentality. Primarily done to ridicule AITA sub or r/relationship_advice absurd nature.
It all started on May 15th 2004. As you can probably guess, I (420 months old) was watching Ukranian singer Ruslana bust out a filthy performance of "Wild Dances" for the Eurovision Song Contest Finale. I could feel a chub cumming on, but by the 69th smack of her tambourine it had turned into a beast of an erection. At first I tried to fight it back down. Yet, after 3 hours of meditation, listening to NPR, and replaying that one scene from The Passion of the Christ where Jesus gets nailed to the cross over and over, I realized this was no ordinary boner...
This was an everlasting knob-whopper.
I decided to keep it going as long as possible. Maybe get into the Guinness Book of World Records and finally prove to my deadbeat father that I was more than just "what you'd get if an autistic moose broke into a Taco Bell storeroom and subsequently cloned itself with shit."
Here is a list of the times it was hardest to stay erect (in order):
1. When Bush got re-elected
2. My grandma's funeral
3. Had a nightmare where I was the middle dude in the human centipede (this was before I learned to lucid dream)
4. Homeless guy kicked me in the nuts after I got kidnapped by gang members, tortured, and tossed out of a moving truck in the rain.
5. Colonoscopy
On the other hand, I came way too close to nutting when:
1. A stranger unexpectedly smacked my ass in Target when I bent down to look for stray quarters
2. Prostate exam in '09 (didn't know there were girl doctors - was caught off guard)
3. Watching the Dark Knight
4. When the cashier looked at me for more than 2 seconds in the checkout line at Spencers holding the mega thicc 19" monster dildo I bought.
5. When I came 69th in a Fortnite match (highest score ever)
Last night I finally decided to end it after watching my fave Only Fans performer lick jam off her feet for half an hour. The release was monstrous. My penis contracted so hard my shaft vacuum sealed and caused such pressure to build up that the next jizz rocket slammed a hole through my ceiling. I blacked out after that, and woke up in a pool of my own brogurt dazed and confused, but somehow, at peace.
Then I got thrown out of the Starbucks.
AMA!
Ok, so today I was talking to my friend over text. I asked him what's his favorite anime but then he told me that he doesn't watch it and thinks it's boring. I was confused as to why he didn't watch anime. I told him about how much I like to watch anime "for the plot" but he didn't really show much interest. I then asked him if we could play Among Us later but then he said he has to go to church this afternoon. I never knew he was a Christian. I was asking him why he believed in God and he didn't reply so I told him he's intellectually inferior to me and that his parents indoctrinated him into believing in God. I was sending him scientific studies that show proof that atheists are more intellectually superior to people who believe in religion. I later found out that he was attending a funeral at the church.
Edit: Why do I find it hard to make friends?
📷nsfw
I’m going to try to keep this short and sweet. Today was my birthday. I was getting into it with my wife. She likes anal, I like giving it to her. Needless to say, after a good bit of foreplay I’m inside her rear. Get a couple drinks in me, I like some light anal play myself.
Wife suggests the dildo for myself. I think to myself (in my half-baked drunken stuper) why not? I’m not a small guy and with plenty of lube she enjoys the hell out of so I’m sure I can enjoy it. Wrong
Ouch.. ouch ouch ouch OUCH. Jesus my ass still hurts. It’s not a big dildo, and she’s taking me like nothing.
How the fuck does she do it? I’ve torn her the hell up and she just loves every second. I tapped out in under 5. My wife is the greatest, and I will never under-appreciate sodomy again.
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I'm gonna keep it short and sweet because I just came back from the hospital. Yesterday my friend John and I went to one of the clubs that recently opened up after the lock down. We were drinking and dancing and in general having a great time, considering it was just two lads at the club. Suddenly I notice a bag of pillies on the floor. The degenerate inside me gets almost an instant boner. So I pick the pills up and try to ascertain what they might be. I flip the pills to check for markings and in huge letters appeared the word "ROCHE". So I decided to google what they were, and lo and behold, I realized I had just stumbled upon some motherfucking roofies.
First I felt a little disgusted. Finding roofies on the floor of a club? Fuck this was almost 100% going to be used for something nefarious. Then, I felt a little relieved - this motherfucker just lost his rape pills thank fuck. Then, I felt a little excited - cuz they call me the boofmaster in my social circle (I hang out with other degenerates obviously) and I had never boofied a roofie.
So I immediately dip from the club. Tell John that I gotta get my boof on and he understood immediately. I go home and proceed to put an entire pill in my ass. Now, I have no idea how strong these were but holy shit. They knocked me on my ass almost immediately (no pun intended). I was quickly becoming incoherent so I decided to go to bed. Next thing I remember is waking up to three shadows above my head looking very concerned. One was my dad, the other two were nurses. I'm still in a pretty confused state of mind so I try to get up and see that what's happening. After I regain some coherence, I get updated on what has happened. Apparently my Dad came into my room late at night only to find me with my pants undone and drooling like a fucking mad man and my eyes rolled up. He freaked the fuck out and called the EMT on me. Everything is better now, but I still can't face my dad because he found the bag of pills and the EMT explained to him what they were, as well as the mode of ingestion. FUCK. Wish me luck boys, I have to go out for a family trip with him soon.
I know that this post seems completely ridiculous, and trust me when I say that I think the same. I'm at my wits end here.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. I'm a casual gamer (I play just a few hours a week) while he's much more invested. He dropped out of college, and when he's not working at his part-time job, he's playing video games. This usually doesn't bother me, as he often invites me to play with him. He's a good boyfriend in every other way, and always manages to make time for me despite his gaming "addiction".
My boyfriend is about 50 pounds overweight, and I'm sure this can at least partially be chalked up to his lack of a healthy diet. He rarely eats anything actually healthy, and while the two of us have tried to go on a diet together, he quit after about a month in, and gained back the five pounds that he lost within two weeks. He very rarely drinks water, and usually prefers soda or Redbull. Needless to say, he's really unhealthy.
Recently, one of his online friends mentioned something called "gamer juice", and my boyfriend asked me to make it for him. All it consists of is water and food coloring, and I assumed that he was just memeing, so I figured "why not". I made him the water, and to my surprise, he actually drank it.
The next day, I tried to give him some actual water, and he completely refused to drink it. I feel like I should at least be trying to get him to drink some water, because it's incredibly unhealthy that he never drinks any, but I think it's totally ridiculous that I have to do this for him. It seems childish, and while I chalked the first few times up to a joke, it's pretty clear that he's serious about this. He doesn't want water; he wants gamer juice.
So, Reddit; what do I do here? Do I keep giving in to his gamer juice demands, or do I be honest about how insane this whole thing is? Help me!
I have a cyan cake next to my username. Give me karma. This is non-negotiable, and if any opposition occurs, it will result in you getting 360 no-scoped by my elite team of cake day enforcers. If that doesn’t work, I will find your IP address, go to your home, and flay you alive. Your body will be more mangled than my ex-wife’s hand that got stuck in the garbage disposal. I will then sell your organs on the black market for copious amounts of money (which I will use to make a time machine to travel to my next cake day). I will then murder your whole family and bury them under my heretic blood-shrine. You will sorrow as the deep pits of hell envelop you and all you love, for not upvoting my post. Be scared. Fear.
Give me karma.
