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Copypasta and circle jerk response to reddit culture or hivemind mentality. Primarily done to ridicule AITA sub or r/relationship_advice absurd nature.


AITA (am I the asshole) for literally being a perfect person?

    English is my fourth language and I'm writing this on my phone with a throwaway account using only my toes while reading Kierkegaard so please forgive me for any grammar mistakes. :)

So, a little backstory. I'm a 24-year-old female, 5'10, white (thank God), skinny with DD breasts and an ass that barely fits in skinny jeans. People often say that I'm the most stunningly gorgeous person they've ever met and I should consider modeling but I dunno lol. I'm childfree, an atheist, a meat lover, and strictly heterosexual.

Anyway, both my parents died in a Muslim terrorist attack when I was 12 along with all my aunts, uncles, and grandparents so I took it upon myself to raise all twenty of my siblings and cousins singlehandedly, working four full-time jobs while going to school, leading eight clubs, captaining the varsity volleyball, water polo, and basketball teams, and volunteering at a hospital all while maintaining a healthy social life. I'm currently working on my fifth Ph.D. in between running my successful non-profit to end global poverty, writing my eleventh novel, starring in the final Tarantino film, streaming Minecraft, protesting in Hong Kong, and phone banking for Bernie Sanders.

So I was at the hardware store picking out a chandelier to put in the house I'm building for the homeless when this fat, smelly, repulsive, gay, transgender "woman" walks up to me and shrieks, "you're oppressing me by being thin! Eat a fucking vegan burger you skinny slut!" I hit her with the "okay boomer," and she responded, "that's literally as offensive as calling me a n*gger!" Then she threw her slimy crotch goblin at me and screamed, "get her, Jayden! Infect her with your polio that you got because I refuse to vaccinate you!" I didn't wanna be a Karen and call the manager over to settle this so I took it upon myself to personally vaccinate her child right on the spot and saved his life. The "woman" then tried to convert me to Christianity so I kicked her in the balls and dragged her out of the store. Everyone clapped, the manager gave me $1,000 (which I donated to TeamTrees), and Obama reached out to thank me for my bravery.

So reddit. Fellow redditors. People of reddit. Denizens of reddit.com. Wise sages of the internet. Tell me the truth. Am I the asshole?

Edit: Wow, this got a lot more attention than I thought it would! Since a lot of people are asking, yes, I am a Navy SEAL and no, I have never pooped in my entire life. I was a quadriplegic after this incident but I overcame the paralysis very quickly because I'm not a little bitch. Also, because it seems to be relevant, here are the details of my sex life: I get plowed three to four times a day by my perfect lover, I'm into every kink imaginable, I have no gag reflex, and my tubes are tied so no worries there. Apparently sex with me cures all diseases and causes a bigger dopamine hit than heroin, but I dunno.

    My girlfriend has this police fantasy but as a libertarian it really bothers me.

      I posted this to r/libertarian but it got removed, thought here would be better. Ideally there would be an r/libertarianBDSM where we fight against government restriction on the sale and ownership of sex toys, but I digress.

My girlfriend, a sub, wants me to handcuff her, and enact this fantasy of giving her a strip search, moving onto a cavity search, in which I become suspicious and conduct a “further investigation using my penis” (her words). While I am very much attracted to her, my libertarian ideals mean that I just don’t think I can consent to this scene. The idea of my very own girlfriend giving into and being taken advantage of by a piggy (law enforcement officer) just makes me totally soft. Plus with the symbolism of getting fucked by a cop rattling around in my head I don’t think I’ll be able to focus on cumming.

I want to make her happy, this has been a long time fantasy of hers, but I just can’t get over the idea of my girlfriend being a bootlicker, let alone take advantage and blow my load thanks to the oppressive power structures that benefit government thugs.

      When your normie class doesn’t understand Reddit and memes

        I did an epic troll on my normie class

My class if full of NORMIES! So I trolled them

So we had a substitute teacher and he went to get something from the back room. I decided to pin a picture of small Keanu Reeves along with big Chungus on the wall. Everyone starts saying “Sit down fucking idiot.” I say “No u” along with “destruction 100.” I’m on the floor dying right now while the class cannot understand the funny reference. Then I see some girl next to me on her phone. So I decide to lean and see what she’s doing. Turns out, she’s an INSTANormie and I yell “FUCKING NORMIE (with Pepe angry face) REEEEEE. USE REDDIT YOU FUCKING TUMOR!” Everyone is uncultured and looks at me like a weirdo. The girl says “The fuck is wrong with you? I don’t care about your stupid opinions.” I reply by making a Joe Joe reference “DIE NORMIE! (Here comes Joe Joe reference) MUDA MUDA MUDA!” My class starts yelling at me calling me autistic because they don’t know memes. The sub comes back and sees Keanu Chungus and this happens.

Sub: Who did this

Me: Oh I think it was Joe

Sub: What?

Me: JOE Mama

I start Rolf (rolling on the floor laughing) and Xding (XD is an emoticon for laughing, better than cancer emojis FYI.) My sub gives the entire class lunch detention and everyone is mad at me but at least it was epic lol. Just wish people were more cultured in Reddit.

I’d like to remind everyone that after school everyone was talking shit abt me. So I stood in front of them on the planter T posing going “mmmmmmmmmmm” and “DOOT DOOT.” Fucking everyone calls me a weirdo. I see a group of kids on their phones, so I walked and they were playing Fortnite like faggots (term by 4chan). So I call them a bunch of autists and how Minecraft is better. They walked away like a bunch fucking noons. People STARE at me when I tap them saying “CREEPER....” It’s a Minecraft parody that’s not that bad musically but they’re supposed to respond with “Aww man.” But nobody ever does.

        Reddit should start their own country.

          Reddit should start their own country. Think about it: it would have a much higher IQ than most other countries. We could ban tik tok and fortnite, and every computer sold has to come with Minecraft preinstalled. We could also ban emojis too.

We all have very good ideas about society and government, so I think we would be far more efficient. I've seen so many posts with so many good ideas, not to mention our country would be the most progressive and other countries would look to us for direction. We would easily become the next superpower. If everyone left America for a new country, we would easily surpass America.

We could make Keanu our president and have PewDiePie on the flag. It would be the most wholesome country too!

Those are just some ideas I have and my own opinion.

          TIFU by going a little too hard during sex

            Ok so some info before we get started

(M)e: Penis size- 6.9 inches (sex number (nice)) Looks- 9 Wit and Charm: 10 IQ: 140

G(F) Age- 18 Looks- 10 (Fat ass too) Wit and Charm: 3 IQ: 135 (thankfully lower and within 5 of mine)

So one day I woke up with a throbbing erection and I grabbed my hot GF and told her I wanted to have sex very sexily with her. She said ohhh baby I want to have lots of sexy sex with you because I am in a sexy mood, but I have a bit of a headache. I said I don’t care and shoved my sexy sword right into her sex sheathe and there was lots of sweaty sex and stuff and she had a baby too.

Once we finished sexy time I told her to go make me some food. She finished and made me some really good food and I told her it was time for round 2. I lasted about 15 minutes, but she was already sexily orgasming within 10 seconds, because I’m just so good at sex with crazy libido.

TL;DR: Sex

            Found on r/HydroHomies

              That's where you're wrong partner. You've never seen me guzzle a full 4L in one go. By the time the first litre is gone, every pair of panties in the room has already hit the floor; every female human in a 12 kilometre radius explodes with a sexual fury likened to that of a monsoon. And for the males? They are made to look like little boys, shaking in their little boy boots. Scientists say you should only drink 250ml of water every 15 minutes to prevent oversaturation of the electrolytic cells, but I am a man of faith, a man of God, and this allows my body to accommodate the most egregious amounts of water without risk of death. So tell me, you casual; are you intimidated by me? You should be. God forbid I drink even a small cup of water around your female girlfriend, because if that were the case.... you'd be sleeping alone tonight, partner.