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storytime copypasta


I asked a guy if he knew about Pokémon today, and he proceed to list off all of the 151 original Pokémon

    I’m a Pokémon master. 😎
    I smirked “That’s it? Ha! gen wunner” Instantly all of the air was sucked out of his lungs. I laughed, and proceeded to name all 802 Pokemon, what levels they evolve at, when they learn all of their moves, what all of the moves do, every Pokédex entry and their current most meta smogon build. With every new fact his body decomposed at a faster and faster rate, until he was nothing more than a pound of dirt. But I was not feeling merciful that day. I used a max revive on him, and proceeded to cause every one of not only his bones, but everyone within 18 generations of him’s bones to dissolve into a fine powder (including mine) He begged me to stop but I kept going. I recounted every piece of rule 34 Pokemon art to date, along with its exact time of creation and what specific fetishes it appeals to, no matter how niche. I then proceeded to jerk off to each and every one right there in front of him. So yeah I guess you could say I’m a Pokémon master. 😎

    That’s what it’s like being the CEO of facebook.

      I AM THE CEO OF FB
      Today Priscilla and I stopped by some local newspapers as we drove through Alabama. One editor I met with was an elderly man in a tattered suit. I said to him, "You look like you need some money, old timer. I'll pay you 10 thousand dollars to eat one of those newspapers." He had a good laugh at that. "Why are you laughing?" I continued. "Eat the paper. Eat it or I swear to god I'll buy your newspaper and turn it into an anime fanzine. If you don't start munching on that sport section right now, you'll be writing articles about Naruto till you're cold in the grave. I'm a billionaire, you think anyone will stop me?" It took him 42 minutes to eat that paper. For 42 minutes I had total power over that man. I'd never felt more alive. That's what it's like being the CEO of facebook.

      Steve Harvey be like

        Steve Harvey be like
        Steve Harvey: "We asked 100 people, what is the male reproductive organ?" Contestant: "The penis" SH: "A WUH... HUH??" audience erupts into laughter Steve Harvey grabs onto podium to support himself laughter gets even louder SH: O lordy... one man goes into cardiac arrest and many others begin vomiting profusely from laughing too hard SH: YOU PEOPLE NEED HELP the Earth shatters and Satan rises from the underworld to claim unworthy souls the universe begins rapidly closing in on itself SH: (putting on a weary voice) Survey says... the board shows 100 for "penis" Harvey is able to get off one more shocked look before existence as we know it comes to an end

        The first time I saw you I couldn’t take my eyes off you

          Pokimane the queen of simps
          The first time I saw you I couldn't take my eyes off you. In school I was always there for you when assholes you dated treated you with 1% of the respect I have for you in 1% of my heart alone. I always offered to pay for your lunch even when you were dating other guys. When you wanted to go out because an asshole had broke up with you and you needed to take your mind off it and I was busy I made time for you, but I also respected you when you were busy. In tenth grade when I masturbated for the first time I didn't think of pornstars like other guys but I thought of you. At prom you were the only one I wanted to take but you went with a douche who had asked another girl before you. That's the reason I didn't go because I couldn't go with you. I never told you this before but you've gone as far as you need to with all the assholes you date. I'll be the last guy you ever date. Because we will never break up. A brother wouldn't do any of this but that's what you call me?!?!?!?!

          When I was in school I used to have an IQ of 15

            To be fair...
            When I was in school I used to have an IQ of 15. My classmates used to harass me for not being that smart. But since 2013, my life has changed. My IQ is now 195 and it increases by 5 every time I sit down on Saturday nights to watch this one show. It is called Rick and Morty. Because of that, I get all the girls and people are always comparing me to Albert Einstein, some even say that I am the cure for cancer. When the government found out that I watch Rick and Morty, they showed up to my residence and took me to a secret facility to take an exam. The exam was about explaining all the jokes in Rick and Morty and I had to answer each question in all currently spoken languages. Since I watched Rick and Morty, I didn't have any problems and I completed it in 30 minutes. The next day, I got to see the results and I passed the exam with a score of 100%. They gave me the title "Smartest Man in Existence". Guess I am out of this world.

            I’m so proud of my daughter for stopping a bank robbery

              sure that happened
              I'm so proud of my daughter for stopping a bank robbery today. The robbers went in and held their guns up, telling everyone to put their hands in the air. My daughter (only 3 years old!) stood her ground, faced them directly in the eye, and simply said "If you're being mugged, just say no. Your robbers cannot legally take any of your possessions." Almost instantaneously, the robbers collapsed to the floor, suffering from a bipolar seizure. Everyone clapped and she was given position as senator of the state of Florida, as well as invited by the Democratic National Convention to run for President in 2020. What an unbelievable event! I'm so blessed by God to have such a wonderful child.