Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it started being painful. My pp was stuck in the dvd, and I had to break it in half to get if out. It was then when I flipped the broken dvd over and realized that it was not a blank dvd, but a copy of the movie UP.
Well guys, guess I fucked up.
So I was just surfing the web looking for gay midget porn, when I came across this thing called “black people”. Apparently they have dark skin and love chicken. I am mortified. I will not accept anyone who is not a white person. Who made these black people? Who can I contact them and get them to stop? Are they considered people? We can’t stand for this anymore! The blacks have taken to much of out our economy! They took our jobs, our lifestyles, even our wives! I only have 3 wives left! And I don’t even fuck the other 2! Their just for cleaning and cooking! God I fucking hate America.
Edit: Guys holy shit stop downvoting me it’s just my opinion
Edit: Guys did you even read it? Stop telling me I’m racist when you clearly haven’t read the whole thing!
Edit: Jesus fucking Christ you guys are retarded. How delusional are you people???
Edit: Okay you people are fucking going to far. I’m NOT racist. I litteraly didn’t even say the n word once.
Today when I walked into my economics class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The Forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than Amy Schumer's thigh. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a fucking outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them. The teacher starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I fucking hate gaming laptops.
I went to the supermarket earlier today, to buy some cheese and bacon, you know? So I went up to the girl working there and she said: "Good morning, how can I help you?"
I couldn't believe this naughty bitch was offering herself to me at 7 am, but I managed to keep myself calm and said: "Good morning. I want 300g of mozzarella cheese and 300g of bacon please."
She started working on my order, and after a while she came to me and said "Sir, I acidentally put 350g of cheese instead of 300g. Can I leave it or do you want me to take some off?"
Holy fucking shit. I couldn't believe what this cum-addicted slut just said. She knew I only wanted 300g of cheese, but instead of giving me what I asked for she decided to try to have sex with me. I'm gonna explain it to you: what's the difference between 300g and 350g of cheese? That's right, 50 grams. What else has 50 grams? Yes, that's the average weight of a condom packaging, and also the average amount of sperm expelled during a sexual act. And worst of all, do you know which sentence has 50 letters? "Oh daddy please destroy my pussy and cum in my little slut ass".
I was shocked at the audacity of this whore, but I was better than this. I told her to take a little bit of cheese off, and she said: "is 308g alright sir?" I was shaking and sharting at this point. I couldn't believe she was humiliating herself like this. Do you know what has 8 letters? "I love you". But I didn't love her, I didn't love this attention deprived thot back. So I just said: "I'm not going to give in to your schemes. You should value yourself more, you are better than this".
As I was paying for my products at the cashier I could hear a great commotion, and I saw that the girl and all the other female employees were crying in unison. I left the supermarket knowing that I did the right thing.
Ok so I'm pretty new to this whole dating thing, there's this girl I really like in my math class and I wanted to be her boyfriend, there's these really cool guys in grade 9 and they have sex about five times a day, they say that girls love it when boys show them their penis.
So in my next math class I stole a seat next to her and stared at her boobs, I became erection and pulled it out through the fly of my pants, as I was about to tap her on the shoulder so she could see my penis, this other girl that has no boobs and is ugly screamed “oh my god!", screaming and pointing at my penis.
I stood up to tell her to shut up and go away, but my penis was still hanging out from my pants, all the class was looking at it, I didn't want them to see my penis because it meant I would have to have sex with everybody in the room. I tried to make things right by swooping over to the girl like and bringing my penis up to her face close up, this made it clear that I wanted her to see my penis and not the rest of the class.
She screamed and tried to stab me with a pen, but she missed and stuck it up my bum, it felt really good, and some weird clear goo shat out from my penis and hit her in the face, she ran out of the room exiting and I got sent to the office.
My penis was caught in my zipper, $0 had to leave it hanging out therefor a while longer, but then classes ended and everybody entered the hallway, everybody saw my penis, and I now have to have sex with the entire school
I don't understand what happen, why are ufly girls so nosy, and why did the girl I like run away? Is my penis very small, I do not understand.
One time when I was 9, I was giving my dad an back massage, i was sitting on his back and wanted to fart but instead I did an shit and piss combo so stinky your nose will turn into dust if you smelt it, he immediately jumped up and my hot diarrhea splattered all over our brand new carpets, he went and showered and I could hear him crying, when he got out he made me clean my shit with my blanket, he made me sleep with my blanket that night, i was crying so much because the smell of my shit was that bad, i vomited and the pressure of my vomit was so harsh i did another shit and piss combo, i was crying as i rolled around in my filth and my dad came in and screamed when he saw it, "how can such an small child have so much shit inside there body?!?" he said, he then said to me to take an bath and i was forced to sleep in the couch because my dad didn't want to risk me sleeping in his bed because I might do another shart and piss combo, we then bought an brand new carpet and an brand new bed set for me.
