I banned jarlic from our home, and my wife keeps finding workarounds.
byu/FeedTheADHD inCookingCircleJerk

I banned jarlic from our home, and my wife keeps finding workarounds. 

I tried to be thoughtful. I handed my wife a contract forbidding preminced jarlic. She smiled when she signed it - which I took to mean that she thinks I asked her politely, and she was going to respect my wishes. "Fine by me. No more jarlic," she said as she put pen to paper. I made copies of the document, locked the original in my safe and went to bed happy.

The next day, she comes home with groceries, and I do my routine inspection. At the top of the bag, prominently displayed, is a Ziploc bag of preminced garlic. "What the hell is this?" "Baglic," she says. Baglic. "Just following the rules."

I amend the contract. "No preminced garlic inside of any container." She signs it again, smiling. Her smile is no longer comforting. The next day she comes home with one bag of groceries, and one closed fist. She sets the bag down on the counter, locks eyes with me, and then dumps a fistful of minced garlic onto the countertop. "Handlic."

My printer is running out of ink and I'm running out of patience. "No preminced garlic anywhere on our property." She signs it again, smiling bigger than ever. I cannot even fathom how she's going to spin this one.

The next day, she walks in holding nothing but a jar of minced garlic. I've got her dead to rights now. I'm waving the document around and explaining to her that she violated the contract. She walks over to the window and lifts the shade. There's a table in our front yard, an acoustic guitar leaned against it, and a man with face tattoos chopping garlic gloves by hand and lifting it into a jar with a bench scraper. "Honey, this isn't pre-minced garlic, this is Post-minced garlic. Get fucked."

I hate my fucking life.