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Hi, I am an Albanian virus but because of poor technology

    Hi, I am an Albanian virus but because of poor technology in my country unfortunately I am not able to harm your computer. Please be so kind to delete one of your important files yourself and then forward me other users. Many thanks for your cooperation! Best regards, Albanian virus 
    Hello! I am Albanian computer virus. due to poor technology in my come country, I am not able to hack your computer. If you would be so kind to delete one of your important files. Thank you for your cooperation! 

    The game genuinely changed my life for the worse

      This game genuinely changed my life for the worse. The moment i opened this game my mother was hit by a truck tire flying at 200km/h after a brutal accident. After she died, it turned out that she misspelled my name in the will and everything she left me was sent to a random person. After that, I sat down and tried to play the game, but my chair broke and i fell onto the floor. In anger, i threw my broken chair at a wall, which made my entire house collapse. Because my house collapsed, all my possessions were buried under the rubble and the only thing that remained was my PC setup. I tried to calm down by playing some Dark Souls III, but my steam library glitched and now the only game I can play is Skibidi Backrooms. While I was playing, I got a phone call saying that I had been convicted for murder and was going to prison for life, because when I collapsed my house, the shock wave caused my neighbours cooking oil to tip onto his turned on gas stove, which blew him up immediately. When I got to prison, they said I was being sentenced to death, and asked for my last meal. I wanted a Big Mac no pickles, but McDonalds got the order wrong and gave me a cold McChicken with extra pickles. Don't trust the price tag on this game, it seems cheap but the cost is really much higher than the actual price tag. This game has ruined my life.
      
      7/10

      Poop Knife

        Poop knife started from a story on r/confession in Reddit
        An archive of the original story

        The Poop Knife is a post on Reddit about Original Poster (OP) and his family owning a knife specifically for slicing huge poops stuck in their toilet bowl. The original post has since been deleted but its archived version still exists.

        My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.
        
        Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.
        
        I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.
        
        [Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
        

        Alternate formatting

        My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
        
        Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?
        
        I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.
        
        Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
        
        "My what?"
        
        Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.
        
        "Wtf is a poop knife?"
        
        Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
        
        He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.
        
        I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.
        
        She will be getting her own utility knife now.
        
        [Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

        Vaporeon-Meursault copypasta

          Vaporeon-Meursault copypasta is based on the original Vaporeon Is Literally Build For Human copypasta that started in 4chan.

          Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male and female sex, Meursault is the best sinner ?
          
          Not only is he French, which is mostly comprised of hot men, Meursault is 6"00' tall and 70.9 pounds of muscles, this means he is strong enough to be able to dick you down best, and with his impressive Base Stats for HP and access to Pursuance, you can be rough with him.
          
          Due to his young biology, there's no doubt in my mind that an aroused Meursault would be incredibly erect, so erect that you could easily have sex with him for hours without him getting soft.
          
          With his abilitie to revive, he can easily recover from fatigue with Dante being there. But no other sinner comes close to this level of compatibility.
          
          Also, fun fact, if you fuck him enough, you can make Meursault moan. Meursault is literally built to fuck you. Ungodly defense stat+high HP pool+revival means he can give cock all day, all positions, without condoms or protection from god, and still come for more

          Dune sand thumper

            🏜️💥✊Thump 🏜️💥✊Thump 🏜️💥✊Thump 🏜️💥✊Thump**

            What the fuck did you just say to me Stilgar?

              What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Feydakin, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Harkonnen spice fleets, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in spicy gorilla warfare and I’m the top worm rider in the entire southern Fremen forces. You are nothing to me but just another water bottle. I will wipe you the fuck out with prescience the likes of which has never been seen before on this Dune, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the radio? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Fremen spies across Arrakis and your shield data is being traced right now so you better prepare for the sandstorm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can see any past, any future, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my knife. Not only am I extensively trained in street knife warfare, but I have access to the entire arsenal of my dad's nuclear arsenal and I will use it to its full extent to return your water to the fucking desert, you little shit. If only you could have known what holy jihad your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you Lisan al'Gaib-cursed idiot. I will shit spice all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo 

              Dune Navy Seals copypasta

              What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Sardaukar, and I’ve been involved in secret raids on the Atreides, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in kanly warfare and I’m the top duelist in the entire Imperium. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Imperium, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying shit to me in front of the Landsraad? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my network of mentats across the Imperium and your location is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of House Corino and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your ass off the face of Arrakis, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. You didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, Harkonnen.