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The r/atheism user woke up…

    The r/atheism user woke up groggy next to his 6 pack of empty Mountain Dew cans. He lifted his 400 pound frame off his bed wondering how many women he’d be able to harass on Xbox Live today when just then he remembered: today was the day. Today was the day he would finally get a chance to debate Christian sheep and slay their god in heaven. Excitedly, he got on his disability scooter and then into his 2007 Toyota Corolla. He drove to the hospital, scoffing every time he saw a crucifix bumper sticker and made sure to situate his fedora before he got out, parking in between two disability slots. When he entered, he got his camera ready, and going up to the third floor he thought “Reddit, the last enlightened place on Earth, will finally give me the attention I deserve and recognize me for my intelligence.” He entered into the room where his grandmother was lying and drawing her last breaths. A priest was standing next to her along with her children and grandchildren, anointing her and hearing her last confessions. “This is it,” he thought, “this is where I own those religiotards and achieve victory for atheism.” He boldly walked right next to his grandmother’s side and just as the priest said “may God bless your soul,” he bravely rebutted with “but there is no god to meet you in heaven. None of it is real. Your sky daddy won’t save you this time.” His grandmother looked on him in shock, opening her mouth. But then she slouched and a long beep was heard and her mouth remained wide open. “Yet another victory for atheism,” he said, looking at his family members who were stricken with faces of horror. “I’m sure they’ve finally realized their God is dead.” He opened Reddit, excited by the prospect of the karma he was going to get by posting the video he took on r/atheism.

    Lupercalia

      HEY👋 YOU👋 ARE YOU UPSET😤😭💔 YOU DIDN'T GET ANY DICK🍆 VAG🌮✌️ OR ASS🍑 THIS VALENTINE’S DAY💘💘 WELL👏 YOU👏 ARE👏 IN👏 LUCK👏 TODAY📆 IS THE IDES OF FEBRUARY 👉😏👉 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS 🙌😨‼️ IT IS LUPERCALIA🎊 THE ROMAN FESTIVAL🎉🎉 THE CHURCH⛪️✝️ PEGGED🍆🍆 TO THE LEGEND OF ST VALENTINE 🙅‍♂️😇 WHY GOD GOTTA BE A COCKBLOCK❓❌🍆❌ EVER WONDER🤔 WHERE THE “FEBRUA”😩 IN FEBRUARY😫 COMES🤤🍾💦💦💦 FROM⁉️ TAKE OUT YOUR STYLUS✏️ AND TABULA RASA🗒 AND GET READY TO TAKE SOME NOTES📝 CUZ THIS SHIT💩💩 IS ABOUT TO GET EDUCATIONAL🤓🤓 JUST HOW HARDCORE💯💯💯 WAS THIS ANCIENT PAGAN HOLIDAY¿¿🏺🔮HERE’S A HINT: NAKED ROMANS 🔞🔞🔞 TOGA❗️ TOGA❗️ TOGA❗️ NAMED AFTER THE LUPERCAL, THE CAVE🕳 WHERE THE TWIN FOUNDERS OF ROME🏛 ROMULUS ET REMUS👬 WERE SUCKLED🤗🤗 BY THE SHE-WOLF🐺 MMM DAT MILKY MILKY MILK🍼🍼 INSIDE THE CAVE THE RITUAL👹🕯 WOULD BEGIN WITH TWO NAKED🤫 LUPERCI PRIESTS SACRIFICING ☠️👻 A GOAT🐐 AS A REPRESENTATION OF SEXUALITY👅🍒 AND A DOG🐕 RIP CERBERUS🦴 THE TWO PRIESTS WOULD USE THE CEREMONIAL DAGGER🔪 TO SMEAR BLOOD🩸 ON EACH OTHER’S FOREHEAD🤦‍♂️ AND WIPE IT AWAY👋 WITH MILK-SOAKED WOOL🥛🐑 WHILE LAUGHING😆😅 AFTER EATING THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT🍽🥢 THE PRIESTS WOULD CUT THE HIDE INTO STRIPS✂️ AND FASHION SOME INTO THONGS 🩲👙🔛 THE PRIESTS WOULD THEN RUN🏃🏻‍♂️🏃🏻‍♂️ AROUND THE CITY👀🙈🍆🍆🍆 USING THE REMAINING BLOODY GOAT STRIPS😳🙄 AS INSTRUMENTS💉 OF PURIFICATION, OR “FEBRUA”😱🤯😵 WOMEN WOULD WELCOME THE LASHES📿📿 AS A BLESSING OF FERTILITY🙌🙏 SPANK ME, DADDY 👨🏻👋😝 MAYBE THIS ALL SOUNDS WILD AND CRAZY🤪 BUT HEY🗣🗣 WHEN IN ROME😏😏 IT’S TRADITION😈😈 SO THAT MAKES IT OKAY👌👈☔️ #LEGALIZECHRISTIANITY‼️ SEND📲 THIS TO 🔟 rHOEmans👯‍♀️ AND YOU’LL BE A VESTAL VIRGIN😙 💅 GET 0️⃣ BACK AND YOU’RE A BARREN BITCH 😣 OR A FALLOW FUCKBOI😖 GET 🔟 BACK AND YOU’RE A BOUNTIFUL BABE💃 GET 2️⃣5️⃣ BACK AND YOU’RE THE FLAMEN DIALIS 🔥 JUPITER’S HIGH🌬🚬 PRIEST😽🪐 GET 5️⃣0️⃣ BACK AND YOU’RE PONTIFEX maXXXimus 🤩🛐 GET 💯 BACK AND YOU’RE A CERTIFIED NYMPHO 🤤🎟🎢🎆 PAX ROMANA MEANS SEX FOR WORLD PEACE🌍✌️🌿

      femboy…. AND thigh-highs?

        "femboy.... AND thigh-highs? Whoa mama! Hummina hummina hummina bazooooooooing! eyes pop out AROOOOOOOOGA! jaw drops tongue rolls out WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF tongue bursts out of the mouth uncontrollably leaking face and everything in reach WURBLWUBRLBWURblrwurblwurlbrwubrlwburlwbruwrlblwublr tiny cupid shoots an arrow through heart Ahhhhhhhhhhh me femboy... heart in the shape of a heart starts beating so hard you can see it through shirt ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum milk truck crashes into a bakery store in the background spiling white liquid and dough on the streets BABY WANTS TO FUCK inhales from the gas tank honka honka honka honka masturabtes furiously ohhhh my gooooodd~ "

        Based on the original “A girl…. AND a gamer?” copypasta

        Happy President’s Day

          Happy PresiDICK’S 🍆🍌🌽 DAY‼️ Time ⏰⏰ to honor the DADDIES 👬👬 of our nation 🇺🇸🇺🇸 George SLUTsington 👯👯, Benjamin SPANKlin👋🍑, John HanCOCK 🍆🌽💦💦💦 These POUNDING 🔨⚒ fathers ERECTED ⬆️⬆️ their 😻📃CUNTstitutional dongs 😍🍌for LADY LIBERTY 🗽👅🙀 Raise that ASS 🍑 to 💦💦 Abraham LinCUM 💦💦, 🌲 WOODrow Wilson 😏🌲😉, Bill CLIT-on 👌👈, and the CUMmander in chief, 👦🍆👀DONGald tRUMP 🍑🍆👀 Don’t forget Dwight D. EisenWHORE 👀😩 DICKlared war 🔫💣 on those CUMMIES 💦💂💂 Share in ♋️ SUCKonds or you won’t be pounding 🔨that presidential PUSSY 🙀🙀 Get 5️⃣ back and ur a White House HOE 🏠 Get 🔟 back and ur the SUCKretary of state 📔😙🇺🇸 Get 20 back and the First Lady will make u moan 😩😩💦💦💦💦💦 HAPPY JIZZIDENT’S DAY!! Hail to the CHEEKS 🍑🍑🍑
          ITS PRESIDENTS DAY SLUTS!! 🚨🚨🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸time to hop onto that founding father dick🍆🍆🍆👴🏻👴🏻👴🏻👴🏻or should i say founding DADDIES!!!😩😩😩🙌🙌👅👅💦💦 out here tryna get rammed from behind 🍑🍑🍑🍑harder than the rock of MOUNT RUSHMORE☄️☄️⛰🏔🏔george washington mightve been able to survive the harsh ❄️❄️🌬winters🌬❄️❄️ of valley forge, but can he handle the conditions between the sheets🌪💑❓❓❓be the monica Lewinsky 🙋🏻to my bill clinton🙋‍♂️ baby and i wont deny i had 🍆🍆♋️sexual relations♋️🍆🍆 with you!!! crack the whip down harder on your bae than ronald Reagan did on welfare programs💸💸🤷🏼‍♂️🤷🏼‍♂️🤷🏼‍♂️✍🏻send this to FIVE of your baddest presidential PRINCESSES👸🏼🇺🇸🇺🇸👸🏼who will throw the nastiest neck🍆🍆😩😩🙌🙌🌬💦 on this AMERICAN BEAUT OF A DAY😊😊💙🚨❤️ if you get 10 back, be prepared for the president to enter the oval office of you PUSSY tonight🐱🐱💦💦🙌😩😩😩😩😩🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
          🎉HAPPY🥳PRESIDICKS🍆😫DAY😛💦2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣ years ⏱ago 🗓our 👏👏fav😍pounding🧈👊🏻😘 father 👴🏻🍆💦and😌main🥺💯bitch💁‍♀️🤭WHOREge😎WashingSLUT🥳💅🍾came💦💦into👉👌this🌎WORLD🌍to ✌️becum💦 🤫the🇺🇸1ST🇺🇸presiDICK😢🍆🤞of👏🥳the💅United🇺🇸Sluts👙Of🤭America🇺🇸🏳️‍🌈send📧📲this➡️to 🔟of😉the😩sluttiest🍑💦💦patriots🔞👙🇺🇸you👇know🤗if you get 🔟 back😏😏you’re👏invited to the ✍️📝constitutional 📝✍️COCKus🍆💦 if you get 5️⃣ back 🤭🤣💁‍♀️ you’re a Mt. Rushmore 🗻👨🏻‍🦳WHORE🍆🍑👙💦if you 👤get 0️⃣ back 💔😹no 🚫 presidick🍆💦 for 🤭you 😭👨🏻‍🦳🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
          🇺🇸 Happy PresiDICK’S day all you Patriotic PUSSIES! 🇺🇸💋Today we honor 🙌🏽 the HUNG ⬇️ DADDIES 👨🏼‍🦳👨🏾‍🦳👨🏼‍🦳 of our nation who FOUGHT 👊🏻 for our freedom and SPRAYED 💦 us with their HUGE LOADS‼️ These POUNDING 🔨⚒ fathers ERECTED ⬆️⬆️ their 😻📃CUNTstitutional dongs 😍🍌to BUTTFUCK LADY LIBERTY! 🗽👅🙀 Abe LinCUM, BarCOCK Obama 👨🏾, Bill CLITon, Lyndon BLOWJOBSON 🍑🍆👀 Don’t forget 👀 President Biden’s 👨🏼‍🦳legislation ✍️will 😛pass through🧑‍⚖️CUMgress👩‍⚖️making📈📈🎉 dick 💦 sucking 😈 a 🤩federal 👅 requirement ✅ and 💦SEXecutive 🍆orders 😫✍️to ensure 🇺🇸™️ all pussy👱‍♀️👙is fucked RAW! 🤪👮‍♀️🚔 Share in ♋️ SUCKonds or you’ll get PROSTITUTED 🙀🙀 in the Supreme CUNT 🏛🏛😱 Get 5️⃣ back and ur Monica Lewinsky 👩🏻👩🏻👠 🏠 Get 🔟 back and ur the SUCKretary of state 📔😙🇺🇸 Get 20 back and First Lady Jill 👩🏼👩🏼 will make u MOAN 😩😩💦💦💦💦💦 HAPPY JIZZIDENT’S DAY!! 🍑🍑🍑

          No way 🤯 girl on discord? 🧐

            No way 🤯 girl on discord? 🧐 Howdy I didn't expect to see no girl round dees parts 🤠 allow me to introduce myself to you mlady 😤 you can call me Jamal and I'll call you my kitten 🤓 I moderate multiple discord servers y'know I'm a man of high status 😁 I've been looking for some female companionship lately 🤗 and since my mother has thrown me out of the basement I'm not an independent person 😎 some may even refer to me as a big boy ☺️ I live in a homeless shelter tho 🤧 and I have no job 😄 I have hobbies such as reddit and discord and anime so I'm quirky like that 😵‍💫I live of disability benefits which I spend on funko pops and anime figurines 🤑 the homeless shelter however does not allow me more than 5 hours of reddit time so it's literally 1984 😓 but please give me a chance mlady cuz I just need you to cook me food and let me live in your house and give me money and change my diapers and pay for my Nitro 🤩 Other than that I am a nice guy 😍

            Total Nigger Death (TND)

              Started from 4chan during the Black Lives Matter (BLM) protest, the copypasta calls for the extermination of black people. It became a popular meme due to its unhinge nature and has evolved into many different variations.

              Kill niggers. Behead niggers. Roundhouse kick a nigger into the concrete. Slam dunk a nigger baby into the trashcan. Crucify filthy blacks. Defecate in a niggers food. Launch niggers into the sun. Stir fry niggers in a wok. Toss niggers into active volcanoes. Urinate into a niggers gas tank. Judo throw niggers into a wood chipper. Twist niggers heads off. Report niggers to the IRS. Karate chop niggers in half. Curb stomp pregnant black niggers. Trap niggers in quicksand. Crush niggers in the trash compactor. Liquefy niggers in a vat of acid. Eat niggers. Dissect niggers. Exterminate niggers in the gas chamber. Stomp nigger skulls with steel toed boots. Cremate niggers in the oven. Lobotomize niggers. Mandatory abortions for niggers. Grind nigger fetuses in the garbage disposal. Drown niggers in fried chicken grease. Vaporize niggers with a ray gun. Kick old niggers down the stairs. Feed niggers to alligators. Slice niggers with a katana. 

              Longer version

              Kill niggers. Behead niggers. Roundhouse kick a nigger into the concrete. Slam dunk a nigger baby into the trashcan. Crucify filthy blacks. Defecate in a niggers food. Launch niggers into the sun. Stir fry niggers in a wok. Toss niggers into active volcanoes. Urinate into a niggers gas tank. Judo throw niggers into a wood chipper. Twist niggers heads off. Report niggers to the IRS. Karate chop niggers in half. Curb stomp pregnant black niggers. Trap niggers in quicksand. Crush niggers in the trash compactor. Liquefy niggers in a vat of acid. Eat niggers. Dissect niggers. Exterminate niggers in the gas chamber. Stomp nigger skulls with steel toed boots. Cremate niggers in the oven. Lobotomize niggers. Mandatory abortions for niggers. Grind nigger fetuses in the garbage disposal. Drown niggers in fried chicken grease. Vaporize niggers with a ray gun. Kick old niggers down the stairs. Feed niggers to alligators. Slice niggers with a katana. Put a bomb in a nigger's mouth. Throw knives at niggers. Inflate niggers until they pop. Send niggers into a blackhole. Castrate niggers. Feed niggers poisoned food. Force niggers to walk the plank. Push niggers into a pit. Kneel on a nigger's neck. Curse niggers with a spell. Stuff nigger babies into the washing machine and turn it on. Flatten niggers with a tank. Pop a nigger's car tire. Strike nigger children with a ruler. Make niggers swim in the Mariana Trench. Cut off a nigger's limbs. Airdrop niggers into Antarctica. Throw niggers off the boat. Pressurize niggers into fine crystals. Light fireworks in a nigger's ass. Falcon-punch a nigger in the face. Make niggers into fiction. Blow niggers heads off with grenade launchers. Blow niggers brains open with a sniper rifle. Lock niggers in a cage and drown them underwater. Nail niggers to a cross and stab them. Run over niggers with a tank feet-first. Crush niggers with a press. Attack niggers with acid. Boil niggers in a pan. Lock niggers inside a brazen bull. Burn niggers alive. Drag niggers across a wall of spikes. Pour molten lava on niggers. Quarter niggers. Impale niggers on a pike. Tenderize niggers with a mallet. Ionise niggers in a mass spectrometer. Irradiate niggers in a nuclear reactor. Spaghettify niggers in a black hole. Curse niggers with the necronomicon. Trap niggers in purgatory. Bang a niggers testicles with a spiked bat. Throw niggers off a twelve story building. Freeze dry niggers in the vacuum of space. Fry niggers with power lines. Feed niggers ricin. Kneecap a nigger with a twelve gauge. Re enslave niggers. Sell niggers organs on the black market. Run niggers over with an eighteen wheeler. Throw niggers into the grand canyon. Burn niggers with jet engine exhaust. Beat niggers to death with a tire iron. Cauterise a niggers asshole with a blowtorch. Sacrifice niggers to the sun god. Drop niggers out of a plane at fourty thousand feet. Feed niggers to sharks. Load a nigger into a cannon and shoot the nigger at a concrete wall. Keel Haul niggers under a galleon. Disembowel niggers with a bayonet. Strap a nigger to a cruise missile and launch it at a nigger neighbourhood. Drop niggers into chernobyl reactor building number 4. Hang, draw, and quarter niggers. Lure niggers in with fried chicken and trap them with bear traps. Force a nigger to learn calculus, then kill the nigger anyway. Atomize niggers with a powerfist. Throw niggers into vats full of FEV virus. Choke niggers with barbed wire. Throw pianos at niggers from 40-story buildings. Throw niggers at pianos from 40-story buildings. Deep-freeze niggers in liquid nitrogen then shatter them with a hammer. Tie niggers to ICBMs then fire them at Israel. Shoot niggers with syringe guns. Defecate on nigger food stamps. Make niggers pay child support in blood. Build a newton cannon and fire niggers into the orbit. Put advertisement posters on niggers then nail them to their bodies with a hammer. Irradiate niggers with depleted uranium. Launch a nigger with a trebuchet. Send a nigger exploring titanic in a cheap submarine. Use a nigger as a crash test dummy. Tie niggers onto growing bamboo shoots. Film an entire jackass movie on a nigger. Trample niggers. Bury niggers alive. Play bowling with niggers heads as pins. Grate niggers with a cheese grater. Get niggers stuck in an elevator. Spray a niggers toilet paper with poison ivy. Shoot a nigger directly with the Gustav gun. Sabotage a niggers parachute. Sabotage a niggers bungee. Trap a nigger under ice. Force a nigger to work and support a family of 5. Force niggers into gladiatorial combat. Send niggers back to warring African tribes. Hide a snake in a niggers room. Put niggers on a hot air balloon with low gas. Harvest a niggers organs. Waterboard niggers with gasoline, then set them on fire. Flay niggers. Tie niggers to train tracks. Put laxatives in their koolaid. Recreate mortal kombat fatalities on niggers. Gibbet niggers. Tie a lightning rod to a niggers head during a storm. Lure niggers into suicide pods. Bury niggers neck deep and surround them with scorpions. Clear a mine field by sending niggers to it. Stir niggers into cement. Squeeze niggers through a chain link fence. Hack niggers socials and make them say they have irrefutable evidence that would lead to Hillary's arrest. Perform adorcism on a nigger. Microwave a niggers head. Suck a nigger into pool drainage ass first. Pour nitroglycerin inside a niggers basketball. Inject ebola in its food. Put a chubby nigger in a tribe of cannibals. Pressure wash niggers black skin. Play games with niggers jigsaw style. Trim a niggers nose hairs with a lawn mower. Strap a nigger to a wind turbine blade. Flatten a nigger in an industrial rolling machine. Turn a niggers bones into furniture. Make minced meat out of a nigger and serve nigga patties to other niggers. Feed a nigger viagra and put an activated sawblade in front of its dick. Disguise a thermally activated lightsaber as a niggers dildo. Stone niggers. Tranquilize niggers and put them in lion pits. Make a subhuman centipede from niggers. Throw a nigger down a well. Prescribe incorrect medication to niggers. Pimp-slap niggers into airplane turbines. Displace niggers in a predicted meteoroid contact area. Gift a nigger a lethal dose of fentanyl. Put dog collars on niggers at maximum voltage. Give niggers sentient brain parasites. Give niggers over to aliens in area 51 to be probed. Leave niggers out for vultures. Drive a nigger into a tornado with a remote controlled vehicle. Do freaky voodoo on a nigger. Strap niggers on a roller-coaster and use them as target practice. Strap niggers to a judas cradle. Blast niggers with Civil War cannons. Crucify filthy niggers. Whip niggers into obedience. Slingshot a nigger into orbit. Rocket niggers into the sun. Stir-fry niggers in a wok. Bite a nigger and drink their blood. Urinate into a nigger's gas tank. Judo throw niggers into the wood chipper. Unscrew a nigger's head off. Bake niggers into nigger-pizza. Arrest niggers for no reason. Electrocute niggers. Curb stomp pregnant niggers. Beat a nigger up. Slice a nigger up and wear their skin. Set niggers on fire. Spin niggers around until they puke. Tie niggers to a train track. Karate kick a nigger in the testicles. Stomp nigger skulls with steel-toed boots. Broil niggers into a broth. Deep fry niggers. Fourth-trimester abortions for niggers. Blend niggers in a blender. Snap a nigger's neck. Throw niggers off buildings. Send aliens to abduct niggers. Force niggers to ride the euthanasia coaster. Crush niggers with anvils. Throw niggers off of rooftops. Incinerate niggers. Starve niggers. Blow niggers up with dynamite. Gulp niggers. Feast on nigger eyeballs. Cave in a nigger's skull. Kiss a nigger to death. Peel a nigger like a banana. Wipe out nigger tribes. Deny niggers into Heaven. Freeze niggers in the vaccum of space. Hard boil a nigger. Lock on to niggers with a harpoon. Cryodesiccate a nigger. Ferment niggers into stew. Ensnare niggers. Nark on niggers to the army. Cause a total nigger purge. Jam a nigger into a geyser. Axe murder a nigger. Unleash Smelvin upon niggers. Put niggers on ships going to Africa and blow up the ships after they set sail. Total nigger death.