Personally I wish they would never go back to Innistrad again. If they hadn't gone back this time, I never would have read the Blessing of Blood story and I never would have read the other Thalia stories, and I never would have started having feelings for her, and end up avoiding Magic entirely to try to stop thinking about her. She's so beautiful, her sky-blue eyes and silken hair, I imagine her voice is like an angel's. Sometimes my chest aches thinking how badly I would like to be in her presence for just a few minutes. It only happens a few times in life, to come across someone who makes you wish you were better, more than you are. I would do anything for her. I so badly just want to hold her. I feel like after all these years of defending Thraben and all the friends she has lost or had corrupted, she needs someone to lean on. I wish I could be that for her. Not as some sneaky way of exploiting her, I just want to help her. I wish she loved me back but I know that will never happen. I can't even play magic anymore because I feel so worthless playing it, and when I drive home alone I feel so empty. Even my walks in the forest, I keep imagining she is with me, in a soft white cotton dress, sometimes I imagine her smiling at me. It is autumn which I think would be her favorite season. And so I don't go on those walks quite as much anymore.

I don't think I'll be able to cope with the next Innistrad set. They're going to show her being married and having children, it'll be another time skip and she'll be married and have two children on a little farm. God I wish so desperately that was me there with her. i won't be able to even look at anything related to MTG because I'll be scared to see it. of course I'll be happy for her, but I am pathetic and petty and jealous and I will want it to be me there with her. I read a story where a man was dumped on his wedding day for another man and was beaten senseless by the priest for pretending to love his wife-to-be yet being angry she found someone else who made her happy. That's true. I am such a disgusting creature I cannot even love someone properly, because deep down the fact that I can't be with her makes me so sad, I feel a cavernous emptiness and yet also a leaden pit in my chest, sometimes I feels like physical pain. I wish i could be good enough for her but I never, ever, ever will. There is no one else in this world I want to be with besides her. I keep trying to forget her but I can't.

At least it wasn't Thalia. I'm still scared what will happen to her in the next set. She's so brave and beautiful, she deserves to live. I think if she dies I will actually cry. I wish I could protect her. At least I could give her time to escape while the Phyrexians were ripping me to shreds. That'd be horrible but I would do it for her. I would do anything for her. Usually when I wake up I think of her within a few moments. Then I get into the bathroom to shower and see my face in the mirror and how ugly I am and how Thalia could never want someone like me. It's so stupid that someone like me is in love with someone so beautiful, I am so shallow with no ground to be so. But I can't help it, I can't stop thinking about her. I sing her name to myself absentmindedly sometimes. Then I remember how I can never be good enough for her, no matter how much stronger I get, no matter how much money I make, I can never be the right one for her. I was hoping they'd never go back to Innistrad again, because I didn't want to see Thalia being married to someone else, even though i could never be with her anyway. But I would rather see that than see her being hurt or killed or turned into some Phyrexian abomination. I would literally be a servant in her mansion with her husband, every day having to see them together, in love, knowing my feelings will never be returned, seeing her happy with her husband and each sight like a knife in my heart even though I should be happy for them. I would see that every day of my life if it meant she was safe and alive. Sometimes my longing for her hurts in my chest, and I pinch my own arm or just squeeze to make it go away. I wish it would go away forever. I wish I could stop thinking about her. I've tried so many things but nothing works. I've tried to think hateful thoughts about her, to make myself stop wanting her, but I just end up feeling like I want to cry, because I don't hate Thalia, I love her, I could never be angry or bitter toward her. I just hope she survives. I would do anything for her. I wish I could be there for her when she needed me. I wish I could be by her side, defending her against the Phyrexians until she was safe. Sometimes I imagine her and I at a harvest festival, in a tent dancing together, her cathar uniform replaced by a long willowy dress, twine bracelets dangling from her slender wrists, the orange light from the paper lanterns tinting her pale face and hair, seeing her smile and laugh as we spin about. Or else sitting up on the hill overlooking the festival, the distant shouts and screams and laughter barely filtering up to us, easily covered by a twilight breeze that rustles the grass, her leaning her head on my shoulder as we watch the pink sky fade into purple. Sometimes I look at the Innistrad land art and imagine Thalia and I walking through those places, a wagon following us as we bring our supplies out to the wilds of Kessig to build a new farmstead for us both to share so she can finally escape from Thraben. Or just travel there in general. It's such a stupid thing to dream about, because none of it will ever happen, but I can't help it. I hate myself for thinking such jealous thoughts, when all that matters is that she survives. If she dies in this set I feel like something will break inside me. I just want her to be okay.

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