Sex is hard to do in the matrix. Imagine this, you’re having sex with yo girl and then an Agent possesses her AS YOU FUCK HER. It’s only okay if you’re gay OR yo girl got possessed by Agent Pace, who’s also a girl but jokes on you! You don’t know Italian. There’s also this chance: Yo girl tells you she got a new fuckbuddy. It’s Agent Smith. She’s fucking a guy a decade or 2 older than her. Why? You decide to sneak up on them having sex and you sneak a camera into the room. He is grabbing yo girl’s boobs. There is black goo everywhere. She turns into a clone of him. Yo girl has been killed by her new fuckbuddy. You will never get good pussy again
Beat up a FNaF fan, what are they going to do? Stuff you into their fursuit?
Beat up an Undertale fan, what are they going to do? Ship you with a grown man?
Beat up a DDLC fan, what are they going to do? Say Okie Dokie?
Beat up a BATIM fan, what are they going to do? Throw ink at you?
Beat up a Gravity Falls fan, what are they going to do? Ship you with your sister?
Beat up a Star vs The Forces of Evil fan, what are they going to do? Convince you on why Marco and Star are the best ship ever?
Beat up a Miraculous Ladybug fan, what are they going to do? Justify Marinette's behavior?
Beat up a TOH fan, what are they going to do? A Lumity AU?
Beat up a She-ra fan, what are they going to do? A Catradora AU?
Beat up a Danganronpa fan, what are they going to do? Insult your kins?
Beat up a Haikyuu fan, what are they going to do? Talk about some character's ass?
Beat up a SNK fan, what are they going to do? Insult MAPPA?
Beat up a BNHA fan, what are they going to do? NSFW drawings of minors?
Beat up an One Piece fan, what are they going to do? Force you to watch an 1000 episodes long anime about a pirate with stretching powers?
Beat up a Hunter x Hunter fan, what are they going to do? Ship you with a pedophile?
Beat up a Kimetsu no Yaiba fan, what are they going to do? Talk about how good the animation is?
Beat up a "cute girls doing cute things" anime fan, what are they going to do? Call you a racial slur?
Beat up a hentai fan, what are they going to do? Ask for the sauce?
Beat up a lolicon, what are they going to do? Tell you that there are cookies on their van?
Beat up a fujoshi, what are they going to do? Ship you with your best friend?
Beat up a furry, what are they going to do? Draw NSFW of your dog?
Beat up a Countryhumans fan, what are they going to do? Ship your country with its colonizer?
Beat up a MCYT fan, what are they going to do? Use their diamond sword?
Beat up a Gacha fan, what are they going to do? Make a heat edit out of you?
Beat up a Henry Stickman fan, what are they going to do? The distraction dance?
Beat up a Steven Universe fan, what are they going to do? Bootlick Spinel?
Beat up an Among Us fan, what are they going to do? Eject you from the ship?
Beat up a FPS games fan, what are they going to do? Shoot at you?
Beat up a countryballs fan, what are they going to do? A comic making fun of your country?
Beat up a Plants Vs Zombies fan, what are they going to do? Plant a Repeater?
Beat up an Yandere Simulator fan, what are they going to do? Defend Yandere Dev?
Beat up a JoJo fan, what are they going to do? Suck your dick?
Beat up a Kakegurui fan, what are they going to do? Get horny about it?
Beat up a Vocaloid fan, what are they going to do? An edgy Hatsune Miku song?
Beat up a k-pop fan, what are they going to do? Send you a fancam?
Beat up an american pop diva fan, what are they going to do? Send you a fancam?
Beat up a TV series fan, what are they going to do? Explain to you how it suddenly gets better on season 32?
Beat up a MLP fan, what are they going to do? Draw you as a pony?
Beat up a Friday Night Funkin fan, what are they going to do? Harass a mod developer?
Beat up an OSU fan, what are they going to do? Shit on Friday Night Funkin'?
Beat up a Genshin Impact fan, what are they going to do? Explain why Chinese femboy no #8027 is the hottest character in the game?
Beat up a Cookie Run fan, what are they going to do about it? Put the cookies that their mom made to them on skirts?
Beat up a Dream SMP fan, what are they going to do? Fake having DID online?
Beat up a Sailor Moon fan, what are they going to do? Whine about Sailor Moon Crystal?
Beat up a Hollow Knight fan, what are they going to do? Repeat the same joke?
Beat up an Amphibia fan, what are they going to do? Explain how Marcy and Anne are definetly gay and have a crush on eachother?
Beat up a Homestuck fan, what are they going to do? Type in an extremely stupid way?
Beat up a League of Legends fan, what are they going to do? Gain more 300 pounds?
Beat up a Doom fan, what are they going to do? Make their music stop?
Beat up a SCP fan, what are they going to do? A 700000 words long Wiki entry on a door that makes you cum blood?
Beat up a Squid Game fan, what are they going to do? A 15ft doll?
Beat up a Dragon Ball fan, what are they going to do? Argue if you could beat Goku or not?
Beat up a Roblox fan, what are they going to do? ######?
Beat up a Terraria fan, what are they going to do? Brag about how their game has much more stuff than Minecraft?
Beat up a Sonic fa...(remembers the Sonichu incident)....maybe just stay 100 miles away from Sonic fans.
You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that's hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.
The 1999 Toyota Corolla.
Let's talk about features.
Bluetooth: nope
Sunroof: nope
Fancy wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope...but it's got a transparent rear window and you have a fucking neck that can turn.
Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn't give a shit and ignored it. It went away. The End.
You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would fucking start right up.
This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.
Things this car is old enough to do:
Vote: yes
Consent to sex: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car
This car's got history. It's seen some shit. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It's not going to judge you like a fucking Volkswagen would.
Interesting facts:
This car's exterior color is gray, but it's interior color is grey. In the owner's manual, oil is listed as "optional." When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary "Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla"
You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite tv show: Alf
Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms
This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It's as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It's as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.
When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, "It's a Corolla. It's fine.'
Let's face the facts, this car isn't going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn't the car you want, it's the car you deserve: The fucking 1999 Toyota Corolla.
Listen up, the soap you shower with, is sh*t. You probably haven't even questioned what bar of soap you lather up with. Let's face it, most guys don't. They're still using whatever bar their mommy bought their little man. Is that what you want--to smell like mama's little man? But now, you can upgrade your shower game with Dr. Squatch natural soap. I'm talking about natural, nourishing, cold pressed, hand cut soap for men. Men who use their hands, men who build things. Men who open the pickle jar on the first try. Men who catch foul balls without spilling their beer. You won't just smell good either. Your skin will be healthier and more nourished, dare I say, soft. Oh, men aren't supposed to have soft skin? Yeah, men weren't supposed to cry during movies. And then they made the movie Rudy sniffles like a bitch. He's so little. You want to smell like the forest? Boom. Pine Tar. We've got you. You want to smell like the sea? Boom. Nautical sage. We've got you. You want to smell like you've just got off a boat in the Caribbean? Boom. Bay rum. We've got you. And with six more scents, we've got you covered no matter what kind of man you are. Now you're wondering, why have I been doing it wrong for so long? During the First World War, Big Soap started taking out all the NAAturaLLL ingredients, to make production cheaper and faster. They replaced all the natural stuff with chemicals. Chemicals like Sodium Laurel Sulphate, Parabens, and Dioxaine. Chemicals linked to depression, liver damage, cancer and low sperm count. And worst of all, dry skin. Ugh. Your poor balls, dry empty and sad. But there's good news. We make our soaps with natural ingredients from the Earth. Ingredients like oils, plants, goat's milk, greek yogurt, oatmeal, shea butter, and citrus. Nose nigga tries to steal oranges No! Turn your shower game up to 11. With the smooth lather of gold moss or the exfoiliating woodsy bliss that is Pine Tar, get ready to step out of the shower feeling alive. Still not sure? Here's a couple review from real customers. Joeseph Stalin says enter gay black guy this is the perfect bar of soap. It's like it was hand crafted in the North West forest by beautiful, tiny elves. Oh, tiny elves isn't enough for you? Well here's another review from Michael A enter dude who never hit puberty it makes you feel like you just stepped out of a mountain stream and squatch was there to hand you the towel. Time for you to get the right tool for the job, because you're worth it my friend. We ship it right to your door and with 100% sudisfaction guarantee, if its not the best bar of soap you've ever used, it's on us. Tens of thousands of men already soapscribe, which means that every month fresh new bars of Squatch show up at their door. Click the link for Dr. Squatch Natural Soap. Real soap, for real men. Or don't, and continue to be mommy's little helper.
Alternate versionClose
Listen up, the soap you shower with? It's shit.
You probably haven't even questioned what
bar soap you lather up with.
Lets face it. Most guys don't
They're still using whatever bar their
mommy bought for her little man.
Is that you want? To smell like momma's
little man?
But now you can upgrade your shower game with
Dr. Squatch Natural Soap.
I'm talking about natural nourishing hand-cut soap
for men.
Men who use their hands.
Men who build things.
Men who open the pickle jar on the first try.
Men who catch foul balls without spillin' their beer.
You won't just smell good either.
Your skin will be healthier and be more nourished.
Dare I say? Soft.
Oh, Men aren't supposed to have soft skin?
Well, men weren't supposed to cry during movies.
And then they made the movie Rudy.
He's so little.
A liberal Muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist "Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"
At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.
"How old is this rock?"
The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian"
"Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now"
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears.
The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.
Semper Fi
