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I haven’t had “normal” sex with my wife in over a year now. Only pegging and oral. I don’t miss it.

    Pegging was actually my wife’s idea not mine. I was kind of hesitant at first but I figured why not try it I only live once. The first time was amazing. I was so tight she could barely fit it in me but with tons of lube and foreplay I took all 8 inches my first time. The moment I felt her strap on hit my prostate I almost came on the spot. Then she started slowly rocking her hips and making the tip grind on it. I’d never felt anything like it. Before I knew it she was pounding me so hard I had tears in my eyes. My legs were shaking I had my face buried in the pillow then suddenly the immense pleasure doubled and I had the most powerful orgasm of my entire life. My eyes crossed, my legs started spasming and I started practically yelling cries of pleasure. Then she pulled out of me and I just laid there twitching and panting on the bed. Feeling almost on the verge of cumming again just by existing. Now years later this is the only way we have sex 99% of the time with me eating her out then her pounding me, pulling my hair, biting my neck etc. I haven’t put my penis inside of my wife in at least a year at this point and I don’t even care.

    I can’t take it anymore. I’m sick of Lae’zel.

      Lae'zel from BG3 copypasta
      I try to replace her with Karlach. Lae'zel does more damage. I respec Shadowheart into Tempest Cleric. Lae'zel still does more damage. I try to swap in Gale; but Lae'zel does more damage. I want to test out Wyll. His best team has Lae'zel.

I try to pass a dialogue check to save a frightened orphan from a fire. I fail. Lae'zel, with 8 charisma, uses Astral Knowledge and becomes profecient in Persuasion. She convinces the orphan that the fire builds character.

I try to use Jump on Lae'zel. She grabs me by the throat. "I don't need your pitiful magic, Revrykal." She uses Enhanced Leap to reach and kill the three archers trying to ambush us with 6 of her 17 attacks that turn. She then uses Misty Step to teleport back and kill the barbarian charging us with another 2 strikes.

We are surrounded by a group of angry frost elementals. I prepare a fireball. "Tsk'va", she says, "I don't need this spell." She removes Fireball from my spellbook and replaces it with Haste; I'm forced to use it on her. She nods to herself. "Better."

Astarion is dying. I open up my alchemy satchel to try and craft a health potion but the only ingredients in my bag are for potions of speed. "You just need to funnel all your resources into giving me more attacks," Lae'zel says, "Vampires are already undying."

We reach a bridge containing so many traps that the bridge itself has began to sink. Lae'zel fails to disarm the first trap. "Guess this is the end", she says, summoning her Mage Hand. She uses her Mage Hand to throw me into the middle of the bridge. As every trap begins to explode around me, there is no hint of sadness in her eyes. Nothing but pure, Githyanki pride. What a cruel world.

      The original pasta was “I’m so tired of Xiangling” from Genshin

      cum in my pocket

        cum in pocket is a nod to spaghetti in pocket
        imagine a girl was jerking you off and she's like "cum in my pocket" and you're like “what" but you have no time to think and she just holds open the front pocket of her jeans and like aims your dick at it and you bust a fat nut in her pocket. what if that happened

Would you be mad at me. I mean her

        My gf’s breast stink

          It was a normal day and me and my gf met up at my house. Sooner or later we began to cuddle. When I went to lay my head on her chest I smelt a devious oder.

It smelled like a rotten corpse mixed with expired milk.

I then got up and went to the bathroom. What should I do? How do u tell her?

UPDATE: I told her and it didn't go well at first. She was very sad that I told her she smelt bad since that's one of her biggest fears, but once she smelt herself she understood what I was saying.

She said she took an everything shower and didnt know what the problem was. We then checked my house and found nothing so we walked to her house that she just newly moved into and began to smell the oder once again.

We continued to walk until we got to her bedroom to where the oder was at its peak. We searched but couldn't find the source until my gf found a small crack in the wall from which to oder was pouring out. I took my phone flashlight and looked through the wall to find what looked like an eye ball.

We jumped back in horror and she called her parents and siblings to come over just incase. Soon me, my gf, her 2 younger brothers, her mother, and her father were there. Her father began to tear through the wall in which dust partials poured from it. Then there it was, a carcass fell out the wall onto the floor.

Horrified her mother frantically pushed her brothers out the room and called the cops. Rn were waiting for them to arrive but atleast we found the source of it all😅

          Pookie

            My little pookie wookie
            Pookie wookie bookie bear
            pookie wookie baby boo sugar bear
            Pookie wookie bear cotton swab boogie woogie cherry apple pie
            my pookie wookie boo boo bear honey sweety cutie patootie pie sugar boo strawberry muffin cake
            my little wittle pookie wookie poopie bears flutters eyeballs and kidneys
            You're my favorite pookie aookie bookie cookie doolkie eookie fookie gookie hookie iookie jookie kookie lookie mookie nookie oookie pookie qookie rookie sookie tookie uookie vookie wookie xookie yookie zookie BOO BOO BEAR
            pookie woobie dookie cookie
            honey mustard pookie wookie dookie cookie lookie shookie yookie zookie gookie roofie mookie gookie hookie bookie bear
            Pookie wookie dookie skinpeeling snookie nookie mookie fookie pee poo bear hybrid princess dragon demon wolf hydra water bottle cyan pee qween i luv you
            Pookie bae boo bear I missed you so much snookums I hope your day is going absolutely jollytastic
            my pookie bear kitten whiskers
            pookie boo boo bear 
            Hey 👋you🫵 pookie wookie😏 snookie bear🧸 ✨cotton swab 💅 cherry pie 🥧 cutie patatoi 🥔 strawberry 🍓shortcake 🍰lovebug 🐛wrapped in rainbow 🌈 ✨snuggly wuggly huggly 😋boo 👻 whipped cream 🍦w/ rainbow sprinkles 🌈
            Cookie Wookie Teddy Bear
            “Pookie, why aren’t you answering me. Grrr" eyes turn red "grr, oh no.. its a full moon" starts turning into a wolf 🐺🐺🐺🐺 "OH NO. POOKIE RUN!!!!" ✈✈ *Turns into a full wolf. "GRRRR BARK BARK" 🧍🧍🧍🏢🏢🛸 bites you in the arm "oh no.. oopsies" 😅😅😅 eyes turn back to normal "sorry pookie dookie mookie sookie lookie bookie nookie bear" 😘😘 "oh no not again!!" ‼️‼️‼️‼️eyes turn red again "GRRR BARK" turns into an attack helicopter 🚁 ‼️"BZZZ BZZZZ BEZZZ BZZZ" shoots missile at you "OH NO, WATCH OUT!!!" 🐺🐺🐺🧍🧍✈✈🛸🛸🛸🪂👵🏻👨🏾 missile hits you "OH NO!!" ‼️‼️ 🏢🏢 I turn back into a human "no.. pookie.. I cant loose you.." 😭 a tear rolls down my face.. "no... NOOOOOO" 😭😭😭‼️‼️‼️🐻 "bye.. pookers...” Explodes ✈🏢🏢🧍🧍🧍🧍💀💀💀

            I want to bang Sinclair so fucking bad

              Sinclair copypasta from Limbus Company
              Holy fucking shit. I want to bang Sinclair so fucking bad. I can't stand it anymore. Every time I go to the main story I get a massive erection. I've seen literally every rule 34 post there is of him online. My dreams are nothing but constant fucking sex with Sinclair. I'm sick of waking up every morning with six nuts in my boxers and knowing that those are nuts that should've been busted in Sinclair' tight sinner bussy. I want him to have my mutant human/sinner babies. Fuck, my fucking mom caught me with the chicks. I'd dressed it in my sister's skirt and went to fucking town. She hasn't said a word to me in 10 hours and I'm worried she's gonna take away my iPhone 13. I might not ever get to see Sinclair again.

              Every Limbus Company copypasta