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I encrusted my bed as a kid to the point that it was brown.

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    I encrusted my bed as a kid to the point that it was brown.

When I was around 12 or 13, my hormones were in full effect and I was a nonstop masturbator. Every night I would fire up my DSi and surf internet for hours like clock work until I was finished, in which I would turn it off and go to sleep. Now, I obviously did not want to sleep with me all over my hands, so I would go to the corner of my bed, lift the bed cover, and kinda just wipe it off there and fall asleep. I would like to say that I would get up some times and rinse my hands off in the bathroom like a normal person, but right hand on the bible I cannot remember a single time where I did that.

This nightly ritual went on for a few months and at one point I did notice that the bed started to feel “rougher” when I would wipe my hand on it, but me being lazy didn’t really pick up on what was happening because I would be understandably tired and it would be at night and I really couldn’t see. So I was blissfully unaware until one day I was changing my sheets and noticed that it looked… brown in that area. I’m not talking like a light hue, I’m talking Scooby Doo brown. I felt it and it was a hard rock candy feel, like touching the surface of a jolly rancher and its was weirdly sweet smelling. There was so much that some it hardened in tear drop formation like a water droplet on glass, ontop of the base layer of spunk. I immediately knew this was me and tried to scrape it off, and it did somewhat come off in like small flakes but the mattress itself was stained, there was no denying that. After I finished my brilliant mind thought the problem was solved, so I kept doing what I was doing for about another year and a halfish.

I did not clean it again and pretty much forgot/ignored it until the day came where we moved. My Dad wanted to throw the bed out, so we went up and I undressed my bed and my heart sank when I saw that the brown patch was back with a vengeance. Unfortunately for my Dad, that’s the side that he decided to carry and when he saw it he said “what the fuck is this? Did you spill Coke?”. I said yes immediately because wow, what an out! But looking back would not have made any sense unless I spilled multiple cokes in the same exact spot for years. We lift it and he grabs it directly on the spunk spot and I am internally screaming as we bring it all the way down the stairs and out to his car to throw out. It’s been over a decade since then and I still think about this and have never told a soul.

EDIT: Guys I’m sorry, I did not mean to ruin everyone’s association with Scooby Doo.

    My mom just got banned from Hasans streams after three years of being one of his biggest fans

      My mom just got banned from Hasans streams after three years of being one of his biggest fans 

my mom has been loyal to this man and a part of the community for three years, she watches him all day every day. when he was speaking Turkish today, she said "talk turkey to me daddy" and has been fully banned for a week with no way to contact moderators. why????? not a warning, not banned from chatting, fully banned from viewing his live streams.

Update: thank you guys so much for getting my mom unbanned 😭😭😭 actually insane, I never expected that. However, she said she feels like she got broken up with and she needs time apart from him 😞 so it may be a day or two before she re follows him lmao

      Walter White plane crash school speech

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        Walter White is given mic to make a speech while the school is gathered to honor the victims of a terrible plane accident he indirectly caused. He knows his role and is trying to mitigate the innocent lives he’s killed.

        " I guess what I would want to say is to look on the bright side. First of all, nobody on the ground was killed, and that–I mean, an incident like this over a populated urban center–that right there, that's–that's just gotta be some minor miracle, so... Plus, neither plane was full. You know, the–the 737 was–was what? Maybe two-thirds full, I believe? Right, yes? Or maybe even three-quarters full. On any rate, what you're left with casualty-wise is just the 50th-worst air disaster. Actually, tied for 50th. There are, in truth, 53 crashes throughout history that are just as bad or worse. Tenerife? Has–has anybody–anybody heard of Tenerife? No? In 1977, two fully-loaded 747s crashed into each other on Tenerife. Does anybody know how big a 747 is? I mean, it's way bigger than a 737, and we're talking about two of them. Nearly 600 people died from Tenerife. But do any of you even remember it at all? Any of you? I doubt it. You know why? It's because people move on. They just move on. And we will, too. We will move on and we will get past this. Because that is what human beings do, we survive. And, uh... we survive, and we–we overcome. We survive. We survive, and..."

        I am Logan Kilpatrick.

          The copypasta is a mockery of Logan Kilpatrick’s habit of tweeting just the word ‘gemini’. For context he is the product lead for Google AI Studio.

          "Hey Google, dim the lights please.", I say as I sit in my reclining chair. The blinds are closed. The doors are locked. I have my lotion at the ready on my adjustable height coffee table. I can barely contain myself as I unzip my pants with one hand, clutching my phone in the other. I proceed to write the most asinine braindead tweet and watch the likes pour in, every notification another stroke. I am Logan Kilpatrick.

          I was relaxing in my stronghold one night when suddenly 30-300 orcs burst into the door!

            By u/ser_einhard19, its the ‘Own a musket for home defense’ copypasta but changed to Dungeon & Dragons (DnD).

            I was relaxing in my stronghold one night when suddenly 30-300 orcs burst into the door! “What the Illusionist?” I shout as I grab my +1/+3 vs goblinoids longsword. Run the first one through, deal 1d8+3 damage, he’s dead on the spot. Throw a dagger at the next one, completely whiff because I don’t understand how THAC0 works and nail the neighbor’s hireling. I have to resort to the scroll of lightning bolt in a chest at the top of the stairs. FIRE! Blow a giant hole in the third one’s chest but I almost die cuz the stairs are only 10ft long and the spell rebounds. The last one charges and I have to grab my lance and use my dwarven “set spear” ability to deal with the him, but he didn’t check for traps and falls into a conveniently placed 20-foot-deep pit. He tries to wait for a random encounter for backup but it’s just fifteen completely ordinary donkeys so he bleeds out. Just as TSR intended.