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Imagine, if you will, you’re a 31 year old ATF agent.

    Imagine, if you will, you’re a 31 year old ATF agent. You’ve been on the force for a while now when you get assigned to a somewhat routine mission. Some wacko has been evading his taxes as well as stocking up on illegal weaponry. You and a few of your fellow agents are advancing towards his compound through his extraordinarily long driveway when you hear it. The distinct noise of a small, propeller driven aircraft. You think *”Oh great, the bastards making a run for it”* when another noise breaks the silence among the advancing agents. You remember hearing it when you were pinned down in Afghanistan, asking for fire support towards that goddamned hill. You heard it when you rewatched combat footage from another soldiers perspective. You hoped and prayed you would never hear that noise again unless it wasnt aimed towards you. And by god, today it is. As you see your comrades getting mowed down I’m front of you, the distinctive *BRRRRRRRRRT* of a 30mm auto cannon erupts shortly after the first bullets hit their targets. The small plane then goes around for another run, miraculously leaving you in one piece, when you see something else that makes you feel even more fear than a CAS Cessna. An orange barrel, a large hazard symbol, and what looked like some sort of detonation rig. The Star Spangled Banner blares over several loudspeakers as the man youre trying to capture announces, *”TAXATION IS THEFT! DOWN WITH BIG PHARMA! ANCAPISTAN FOREVER!”*. Though it’s not what you would’ve hoped to hear, it’s the last thing you’ll ever hear.

    Ultimate guide to fucking dolphins

      Your first step should be to find dolphins to mate with. Aquariums are a bad choice for various reasons such as having to have permission from the owner, no privacy, night visits are impossible etc.
      
      The best place to find dolphins to mate with is usually in the wild. They should have some human contact (as to not be completely unused to humans) but should still be a somewhat low trafficked area for privacy reasons. You should go there a lot so the dolphins get used to your presence, and swim a lot there as well. Slowly encroach upon them every now and again, until eventually you're well acquainted with them. At this point, you should continue this as much as possible and a waiting game will ensue. Eventually, one of the dolphins will get horny and if you're lucky, and they know you well enough, they'll choose you as a mate.
      
      It is important to determine the sex of the dolphin, now. If you can see the underside, look at the naval of the dolphin and go down. The female dolphin will have one continuous slit that contains the anus and the vagina, and on either side of the genital slit will be the mammary slits where the nipple is contained for feeding the calves. The male, however, will have no mammary slits, and the urogenital opening where the penis is contained will be separated from the anus by a bridge of skin. Although that's the best way, If you can't see the bottom of them then you can look at their head. The males will be more stumpy and the females (both head and body) will be more sleek and streamline.
      
      If it's a male, the only thing I know how to do is to masturbate him. I have heard some people say you can give oral, but I've also heard others say it can be deadly due to tail flukes, so it is best in the interest of safety only to masturbate him. I wouldn't try anal either, as though I never have, I heard it can cause peritonitus from the tail flukes they do when experiencing sexual pleasure and the force of ejaculation.
      
      With that aside, here's how to masturbate him.
      
      If his penis is already out, rub it quickly up and down and after a good few tail flukes he'll begin to slow down. This means he's almost finished, and you should change from quickly rubbing to slowly massaging and gently squeezing it. If he still doesn't finish, then just do the process again until he does. Their will be some strength behind it, so be careful as to not get hit.
      
      If his penis isn't out yet, you can gently poke and rub the top end of the urogenital opening and if you do it right his 12-14 inch penis will appear, and from here just repeat the steps above.
      
      Fun fact about the male dolphins penis, they can curl the last 3 inches of it to wrap around and pick up objects 1 inch in diameter. Female dolphins can also pick up objects with their genital slit as well.
      
      If it's a female you have a few options. Being male, you can either mate or masturbate them.
      
      When masturbating, note that the clitoris is located at the top end of the genital slit and is rather visible and prominent when erect. You can poke and rub this, or finger it as well, though note that it is larger than a female human vagina and you may need to use more fingers than usual and make more broad motions. It is for this reason I prefer the first option when it comes to pleasuring female dolphins. You could also technically give oral, but the only problem with this is all members of the dolphin family have powerful tail flukes when experiencing sexual pleasure, and your head and face are bound to get knocked a few times.
      
      As for mating with them you should note that the dolphin will come up to you in most cases. While it is possible to do this open water, it is very difficult and distracting. I'd prefer water that is anywhere from 2-4 feet deep as this is the most comfortable for the dolphin and me in my experience. You may try a few different positions but the best one in my experience is them on their side with their belly facing towards you. From here, you can penetrate. When penetrating there will be multiple chambers that each have doors you'll need to force open, this is because sea water kills dolphin sperm and is how female dolphins keep it out. However, once all the way inside, the doors and walls of these chambers will close down on you and begin manipulating and massaging you inside them. They tug, twist, pull, and gently massage you inside them. Female dolphins have extremely manipulative muscles and are very good at this, and it is for this reason that during sex male dolphins don't pump (too much of a risk for sea water to get in) and instead the females do all the work. So just stay inside them and enjoy the ride!
      
      Note that if you change your mind and start pulling out, female dolphins will often tighten down on you to prevent you from doing so. They like a commitment and probably won't take kindly to their mate walking out on them. If this happens, don't worry, you'll be released when you both finish. Yep, that's right, both! For whatever reason dolphins always synchronize their orgasm to mates, dolphin or human. So unless something really scares them enough to let you go, just focus on finishing if you really want to get out as that's the only way.
      
      Don't worry too much though, you won't last long. Dolphins are extremely intelligent and can detect quivers and even the slightest muscle movements. They can tell when you're about to finish, and estimate how far away you are. They'll then use this knowledge to make calculated decisions on what manipulations they think will get you there the quickest, and are very good at it. I'd say you won't last longer than 2 minutes on average. When you're done, I'd recommend staying there for a little bit. It's a very emotional experience, and it is hard to comprehend but it helps to be there with the dolphins a little longer.
      
      I'd also like to note that in my experience the female orgasm is accompanied by their muscles seizing up or shuddering and in some cases making vocalizations. their reactions to orgasms vary rather greatly, so it really depends on the dolphin, but I feel in most situations you'll know when they've finished.
      
      This isn't very important for mating, as I have said they time their orgasm to yours, but it is useful when giving oral or masturbating as it allows you to know when they've finished.
      
      Now, if the dolphin is in a group they'll be fine if you really want to leave and decide against doing it again (though now that you've tried it I'm sure you won't stop), however, if it is by itself for some reason you need to make mating a habit and do it as often as possible. Dolphins will commit suicide if separated from mates. In a group they could always switch mates, but if they're by themselves they likely don't have this option and you are their only mate. I'd recommend mating as often as possible regardless as it strengthens your bond with them and makes them less likely to leave you for a different mate, but it really is a necessity if they're by themselves.
      
      Something I should probably mention is that you should ensure that the dolphin you're mating with/masturbating is the only horny dolphin in the area. Dolphin orgies can happen and are actually dangerous to be stuck in, as they get very excited and being raped by a male dolphin anally could potentially be deadly as mentioned above. However, you're much more likely to die by being drowned in an event like this, and it is very difficult to escape them. They don't happen often, but with all rare but dangerous things you should still keep note of it. I'll admit it can be hard to tell if there is more than one horny dolphin as the first one you spot will likely have all your attention, but if they get rowdy enough you'll notice. I've never been stuck in one of these myself, and I've only ever seen it happen once, so I can't provide any advice on escaping from one. The only thing I know to do is to just make sure I avoid them all together.
      
      I should also note that If you're in the mood and they aren't then (though I recommend letting them make the first move) you can gently pet them like normal and every so often rub your hand along their genital slit, but if they still aren't interested then be warned you should NEVER try to rape a dolphin. Not only will you likely never see that dolphin again because they're very intelligent and won't forget that, but also because they're so much larger than you. You could never hold one down, so there's no point in trying, and you'll be lucky if they don't decide to kill you.

      Libertarian Paradise

        I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
        
        “Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
        
        “What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
        
        “Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
        
        The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
        
        “Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
        
        “Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
        
        He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
        
        “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
        
        I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
        
        “Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
        
        “Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
        
        “Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
        
        It didn’t seem like they did.
        
        “Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
        
        Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
        
        I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
        
        “Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
        
        Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
        
        “Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
        
        I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
        
        He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
        
        “All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
        
        “Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
        
        “Because I was afraid.”
        
        “Afraid?”
        
        “Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
        
        I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
        
        “Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
        
        He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

        Comrade Trump Declares the Revolution

          Comrade Trump copypasta
          Folks, the bourgeois, they're no good, more and more people are saying it. All these workers— the biggest, we have the biggest workers— very handsome workers come up to me and say, Comrade Trump there is a specter haunting Europe, and you know what, they're right. These bourgeois are very nasty people, very very rude, and very unfair to the workers. They are stealing our surplus value and no one is doing anything about it. The proletariat comes up to me every day and says, Comrade Trump will you lead the revolution? And I gotta turn to them and say look, the instruments of capitalism will be used to bring about its destruction, believe me. The means of production, Obama never wanted to seize them. Well guess what? I'm seizing them. Landlords? They're done for folks. Everyone told me— they said, Comrade Trump you won't be the vanguard of the revolution and they would laugh, the media laughed the democrats laughed, guess who's laughing now?

          I think my roommate jizzed in my vape

            So me and my friend have been living inside the same house for about a month now. We are short on money and usually only one of us has a vape at one time so we always share. He usually borrows my vape for a little bit and brings it back but recently he’s been taking it for at least an hour at a time. I thought nothing of it until one day he handed it back to me and it had an odd taste. I thought it might be a problem with the vape but it got worse and didn’t taste burnt so I popped it open and there was a thick layer of slimy cloudy liquid. I immediately was in denial that it was his cum and tried to think of every other possibility but it was definitely cum. This was yesterday and I already got myself a new vape but I still haven’t confronted him about it. What was he even trying to do? I’m just so confused and don’t know how to handle this.

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