Skip to content

Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito

    The burrito copypasta by Jack Dire
    source

    AKA the Burrito copypasta was created by Jack Dire and is a fictional rant on a person’s burrito.

    Have you ever been to Earth? On Earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain: You’re an idiot. Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY. When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito. And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what: Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND. Nope. Nope. My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND ME FOR A FEW MINUTES UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers. And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE. What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN. I just want a burrito. In conclusion: You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”: A fucking fork? I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD. If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL. Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS. A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now. People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us.

    Original formatting

    Have you ever been to earth ?

On earth, we use the word "burrito" to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND ME FOR A FEW MINUTES UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

in conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

    Here is how Capitalism is comparable to My Wife Leaving Me

      Here is how Capitalism is comparable to My Wife Leaving Me

First of all, my wife is gone (I miss her very much). Similarly in Captalism the “Surplus Value” of the “Workers” is gone (Marx Reference). Additionally we see a very bureaucratic system with middle management jobs that don’t really need to be done in Captliksm, likewise I had to spend my Monday signing “Divorce Paper” instead of going fishing with the guys. Finally, in capitulatistic society every person is atomized (“Osmosis Jones” Reference) and part of a larger ‘spectacle’ as Debord observes . On the other hand my wife made quite a “spectacle” of herself when she screamed at me for two hours about perceived failings in our relationship. (I thought it was fine)

Hopefully we can one day start a “Revolution” to defeat this oppressive system. I have personally arranged an “Anti-Capitalist Fishing Trip” with the guys in which each fish we catch will be equally shared.

      Brawl Stars Willow

        Willow copypasta from Brawl Stars

        Its a parody of the infamous Vaporeon copypasta but changed to Willow from Brawl Stars.

        Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male human and female brawler breeding, Willow is the most compatible Brawler for humans? Not only are they in the thrower group, which is mostly comprised of idiots, Willow is an average of 5’03” tall and 89 pounds, this means they’re large enough to be able handle human dicks, and with their impressive Stats for HP and access to shield gear, you can be rough with one. Due to their mostly water based biology, there’s no doubt in my mind that an aroused Willow would be incredibly wet, so wet that you could easily have sex with one for hours without getting sore. They can also learn the star powers obsession and love is blind, along with not having fur to hide nipples, so it’d be incredibly easy for one to get you in the mood. With their Gadgets Dive and Spellbound, they can easily recover from fatigue with enough water. No other Brawler comes close to this level of compatibility. Also, fun fact, if you pull out enough, you can make your Willow turn white. Willow is literally built for human dick. Ungodly Acid attacks, Gadgets+Star Powers, means it can take cock all day, all shapes and sizes and still come for more

        I own an M1 Abrams for base defense, just as the Founding Fathers intended

          Own an M1 Abrams for home defense

          Its the “Own a musket for home defense” copypasta but changed to tanks.

          I own an M1 Abrams for base defense, just as the Founding Fathers intended!

4 T-90s break into my hangar.

I yell “What the devil?!” As I grab my composite helmet and an M829A1 round.

I blow a golf ball sized hole in the first T-90, they explode on the spot.

I fire HEAT-FS at the second T-90, and it misses because the T-90 dodged and nails the Warrior IFV next door.

I load an experimental APFSDS round and yell “Tally Ho, lads!” It over-penetrates the first T-90 and destroys the other right behind it, the sound and shrapnel sound off base alarms.

I fix the engineering dozer and charge the last terrified T-90, flipping it into a ditch. The tank runs out of gas while waiting for the MPs to arrive because the crew’s shock is impossible to treat.

Just as the Founding Fathers intended.

          Joe Rogan is like some barbarian Khan

            Joe Rogan is like Khan copypasta

            Its from a 4chan post describing Joe Rogan’s podcast during the height of his popularity. The copypasta is often use as an ironic joke whenever Joe makes a bad take.

            Joe Rogan is like some barbarian Khan from the steppes that took an interest in intellectual things and his podcast is basically him bringing slightly nervous scholars and magicians to come before him to explain how the world works “glasses man, you explain to Joe why sky big, and how tree grow” but he will also believe almost anything you tell him, and only recently (in the past few years) does he clap back like “Tiny hat man say otherwise, do you lie to Joe? tiny hat man safe fat not bad for you, that sugar is enemy, so which is truth? Joe thinks you are wrong” and people just nervously go “oh-oh ok h-Haha yeah i guess so”

“Joe spend many moons on horseback and training with bow and arrow, but Joe also wonder why skyfire rise from mountains every morning, you will explain this to Joe”
            Joe Rogan is like some barbarian Khan from the steppes that took an interest in intellectual things and his show is basically him bringing slightly nervous scholars and magicians to come before him to explain how the world works “glasses man, you explain to Joe why sky big, and how tree grow” but he will also believe almost anything you tell him, and only recently (in the past few years) does he clap back like “Tiny hat man say otherwise, do you lie to Joe? Tiny hat man say fat not bad for you, that sugar is enemy, so which is truth? Joe thinks you are wrong” and people just nervously go “oh-oh ok h-Haha yah I guess so” “Joe spend many moons on horseback and training with bow and sword, but joe also wonder why skyfire rise from mountains every morning, you will explain this to Joe.”

            Lavos Ragequit

              Original Lavos copypasta
              Smogon’s best villain monologue yet

              The Lavos aka “Unfortunate doesn’t begin to describe my series…” copypasta is an iconic meme within the competitive Pokemon “Smogon” community. It originated from a pro player ‘Lavos’ ragequit post on the Smogon forum after a series of unlucky events during a game.

              After the lost, it sparked the greatest ragequit of all time stemming from his attitude towards the game and its community. The original Lavos forum post and full context leading up to the iconic moment are often celebrated by the Smogon community. 

              "Unfortunate" doesn't begin to describe my series, this game rewards blind luck and nothing else, I am beyond convinced at this point. After getting completely tooled by scheduling with my opponent changing times on me last minute and refusing to provide confirmation prior to the day of the match as to play times, losing this way somehow felt even worse than I had thought possible. My preparation was superior, my play was superior, and I lost, so I don't see a reason to continue engaging in an activity where what is within my control is overwhelmingly outweighed by what is not.

I am done with competitive Pokemon, and you won't get a fond farewell. This community is infected to its roots with a degenerative disease that grows stronger over time but stops short of killing its host. Tournaments used to have a competitive spirit at their heart, this has been transplanted and replaced with an artificial organ that feeds on vitriol and mockery from insecure little boys that heckle by the sidelines and tear each other to shreds over scraps of attention. The environment we fostered has trapped us all like this in a vicious cycle, and escaping it requires acceptance of the harshest reality we all scramble to explain away, that none of the countless straining efforts we put ourselves through here will ever amount to one single shining glimmer of significance. I would make this the end, but World Cup is still ongoing, and I would never leave so many great friends out to dry, so I'll suffer through a few more games for them.

One last thing before I leave you all to react with disdain, ridicule, and self-righteous fervor, before you do everything in your power to minimize my words and thoughts, box them up and shove them to some cobwebbed corner of your memory, and hope they disappear forever as a stain on your finite time ground to dust. From this moment on, nothing you say matters to me. The foulest insults you hurl with intent to wound will calmly settle at the earth before my feet, and the venom you spit will bring all the pain of a warm summer breeze. You are less than anything you can conceive, while I carry on, brimming with joy distilled from detachment.

              Lavos in-game chat before the ragequit

              The Lavos ragequit explanation
              i fucking had you

i had you

thunderpunch rachi guaranteed ohko

this was the single biggest threat to my fucking team

i played around it to the best of my ability

and this bullshit

after rby too

enjoy your fucking trophy dude, i quit.

Lavos forfeited.

              Lavos good ending

              "Outplayed" doesn't begin to describe my series, this game rewards pure skill and nothing else, I am beyond convinced at this point. After getting completely blessed by scheduling with my opponent sticking to the planned time and agreeing to provide confirmation prior to the day of the match as to play times, losing this way somehow felt even better than I had thought possible. My opponent's preparation was superior, my opponent's play was superior, and he won, so I don't see a reason to stop engaging in an activity where what is not within my control is overwhelmingly outweighed by what is.

I am continuing with competitive Pokemon, and you won't get any kind of farewell. This community is flourishing to its roots with a purifying health that grows stronger over time and persists in bolstering its host. Tournaments have a competitive spirit at their heart, this has been cultivated and sustained by a natural organ that feeds on admiration and respect from confident mature men that cheer by the sidelines and bond with each other over appreciation of their shared hobby. The environment we fostered has welcomed us all like this into a gentle camaraderie, and joining it encourages acceptance of the sweetest reality we all blissfully cherish, that all of the countless straining efforts we put ourselves through here will always amount to endless radiant blazes of significance. I won't make this the end, and World Cup is still ongoing, and I would never leave so many great friends out to dry, so I'll enjoy many more games for them.

One last thing before I leave you all to react with approval, praise, and humble satisfaction, before you do everything in your power to enhance my words and thoughts, frame them and display them on some polished trophy stand of your memory, and hope they last forever as a centerpiece of your finite time raised to prominence. From this moment on, everything you say matters to me. The kindest compliments you extend with intent to uplift will energetically propel themselves to the forefront of my mind, and the support you express will bring all the comfort of a warm summer breeze. You are more than anything you can conceive, while I carry on, brimming with joy distilled from affection.