I own an Alfa Acta Minigun for home defense, since that's what Scotty and June intended. Three Lights break into my cashout. "What the 'SPUZE?" As I grab my dome shield and olfactory sensor minigun. Blow a hundred pebble sized holes through the first man, he's eliminated on the spot. Draw my RPG on the second man, miss him entirely because it's nerfed into the ground and nails the other team's healer Medium. I have to resort to the pyro mines in my pocket, "This'll protect us!" the mines torch 2 contestants in the blast, the AOE damage protects the cashout. Pull out the minigun and beam the last terrified mosquito. He dies to afterburn waiting for his teammates to respawn since quick cash changes are goddamn abysmal. Just as Scotty and June intended.
GOOD HEAVENS, IS THAT A FREAKING 🗿🗿🗿 THE FINALS 🗿🗿🗿 REFERENCE?!?!?! 🔥🔥🔥 CASH OUT 🔥🔥🔥 OR GET OUT 🚪🏃💨 LIGHT BUILDS 🔪💨 ARE SO BASED 😎😎😎 MEDIUM MAINS 💪🧠 ARE THE TRUE GAMERS 💯💯💯 HEAVY HITTERS 💣💥 ARE JUST TRYHARDS 🤢🤮🤮 TURRETS 🤖🔫 ARE FOR NOOBS 😂😂😂 DON'T FORGET TO GRAB THOSE VAULTS 🏦💸 AND YEET THOSE CONTAINERS 📦💨💨 I'M LITERALLY SHAKING RN 🥶🥶🥶 THIS GAME IS PEAK 🏔️🎮 PEAK I TELL YOU!!! 🗣️🗣️🗣️ IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE FINALS YOU'RE A 🤡🤡🤡 NO CAP 🧢🚫
Its a joke on what the locals have to go through when the Horizon Festival is happening in the Forza Horizon series.
To Whom It May Concern at the Forza Horizon Event Office,
I hope this letter finds you well—and preferably at a complete stop, with your parking brake engaged.
I am a long-suffering resident of this once peaceful city that you all have decided to turn into your personal arcade racetrack. While I can appreciate the thrill of speed, loud engines, and seeing a Bugatti do donuts on my front lawn, I must politely ask: have you people completely lost your minds?
Let me break down a very normal Tuesday morning in the life of a city resident during a Horizon Festival:
• 7:00 AM: A Lamborghini flies past my house, airborne, I might add, after launching off a conveniently placed ramp (aka my neighbor’s garage).
• 7:05 AM: Someone in a souped-up Subaru drifts around the roundabout. It’s not even a full circle anymore—just a “slightly curved suggestion.”
• 7:15 AM: I try to leave for work. I’m immediately rear-ended by a Ford Bronco going 130 mph—driven by someone with the gamertag “xX-T0kyoSlideXx.”
• 7:17 AM: The Bronco is now doing burnouts in my vegetable garden. My tomatoes are traumatized.
I understand the Horizon Festival is “all about freedom and style,” but there are only so many times I can replace my mailbox before I begin mailing legal threats instead. And let’s talk noise pollution: every time I try to watch a movie, some maniac in a twin-turbo V12 decides it’s the perfect moment to set a new land speed record outside my window. Fast X has nothing on you people.
Furthermore, my cat now lives under the couch permanently. She thinks the revving of engines is a sign of the end times.
Therefore, I kindly request—no, beg—that you shut this chaos circus down, or at the very least relocate it to a nice, uninhabited wasteland like the moon. Or Florida.
Its satire on how Palpatine would have responded to Mon Mothma speech in the Senate exposing him but with Trump’s style. The iconic scene was from Andor S2E9.
Wow. Just heard the FAKE NEWS coming out of the Senate. AGAIN. Here we go — another pathetic, desperate attack from RADICAL LEFT LUNATIC Mon Mothma (Total Disaster, everyone knows it — even my boss - I mean, Jar Jar’s smarter, and that’s saying something!).
She’s out there CRYING on the Senate floor (SO SAD!) talking about a “Massacre” on Ghorman. Folks, let me tell you: THERE. WAS. NO. MASSACRE. It’s all FAKE HOLO. The Ghor People LOVE ME — they were CHEERING, throwing flowers, saluting the Troopers. It was a PEACEFUL PROTEST. A BEAUTIFUL PROTEST. Some even said it was the most PERFECT use of a plaza in the history of the Galaxy — maybe ever!
This whole thing? A HOAX. A TOTAL HOAX. Made up by PATHETIC LOSERS who miss the old days under Chancellor Valorum — weak, boring, couldn't lead a podrace if his life depended on it. Under his administration, the Trade Federation was BLOCKADING ENTIRE PLANETS. Remember Naboo? TOTAL DISASTER. That would NEVER have happened under ME.
Now these WOKE SENATORS — low-IQ, low-energy people — are trying to CANCEL the Empire. They want to DEFUND the Stormtroopers, Open the Borders to illegal ALIENS, and let the REBELS teach your Children that the Force has more than two Sides. IT’S DISGUSTING.
And Mon Mothma? She’s a FRAUD. She supported Valorum’s Policies, she HATES the Troops, and frankly — and People agree with me on this — she’s a very NASTY woman. She’s never done ANYTHING for the Galaxy except Talk, Talk, Talk. NO ACTION. Just WORDS. BAD WORDS. TREASONOUS WORDS.
Meanwhile under ME — your STRONG, HANDSOME EMPEROR — the Galaxy has NEVER BEEN BETTER. The Death Star is AHEAD OF SCHEDULE. Crime is DOWN. Jobs are UP. Jedi are GONE. And Morale is through the Roof — I had a Meeting with Darth Vader, and he told me, “My Lord, this is the most SUCCESSFUL GALAXY we’ve ever had.” NOT KIDDING.
SO TO ALL THE HATERS AND LOSERS: STOP LYING. STOP WHINING. THE EMPIRE IS DOING AMAZING. WE’RE WINNING AGAIN.
MAKE THE GALAXY GREAT AGAIN.
Mine sincerely, Emperor Sheev Palpatine
People saw this and voted for this twice, it’s so unreal.
Look, having dark side -- my uncle was a great lord of the Sith so powerful and so wise, Darth Plagueis 'The Wise' of CIS; good midichlorians, very good midichlorians, OK, very wise, the Naboo School of Finance, very powerful, very wise - if you're a Sith Lord, if I were a Jedi Master, if, like OK, if I ran as a Jedi Master, they would say I am one of the wisest people in the galaxy - It's true! - but when you are a Sith Lord they try - oh, it's not a story the Jedi would tell you - that's why I always start off: went to Naboo, was a good senator, went there, went there, did this, built an Empire - you know I have to give my credentials all the time, because we are a little scarred and deformed - but you look at the dark side, the thing that really bothers me - it would have been so easy, and it's not as important as these lives of the ones he cared about are - The dark side is powerful, some consider it to be unnatural; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power, and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right, who could have foreseen? - but when you look at what's going on with the two Sith - now it used to be one, now there are two of them, this is getting out of hand - and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven't figured out that the women and the children too are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it's gonna take them another millennia - but the Jedi are great negotiators, his apprentice was a great negotiator, so, and they, they just killed us, they just killed us in our sleep.
Full Mon Mothma Speech Transcript (Ep. 9)
Fellow Senators, friends, colleagues, allies, adversaries. I stand before you this morning with a heavy heart. I’ve spent my life in this chamber. I came here as a child. And as I look around now, I realize I have almost no memories that pre-date my arrival and few bonds of affection that cleave so tightly. Through these many years, I believe I have served my constituents honorably and upheld our code of conduct. This chamber is a cauldron of opinions and we’ve certainly all had our patience and tempers tested in pursuit of our ideals. Disagree as we might, I am hopeful that those of you who know me will vouch for my credibility in the days to come. I stand this morning with a difficult message. I believe we are in crisis. The distance between what is said and what is known to be true has become an abyss. Of all the things at risk, the loss of an objective reality is perhaps the most dangerous. The death of truth is the ultimate victory of evil. When truth leaves us, when we let it slip away, when it is ripped from our hands, we become vulnerable to the appetite of whatever monster screams the loudest. This Chamber’s hold on the truth was finally lost on the Ghorman Plaza. What took place yesterday… what happened yesterday on Ghorman was unprovoked genocide! Yes! Genocide! And that truth has been exiled from this chamber! And the monster screaming the loudest? The monster we’ve helped create? The monster who will come for us all soon enough is Emperor Palpatine!
Having to call a judge “your honor” is so cringey and dumb
“Your Honor”. I mean gimmie a fuckin’ break, dude. What else do you want me to call you? Your highness? Do you want me to fondle your nuts while I blow you, too?
I’ve seriously seen courtrooms where they’ll say “Sir” and the judge will be like “It’s “Your Honor” young man!!”
Fuck off. How much of an egotist you gotta be to care about some medieval-ass title?
It’s some LARPING I’d expect kids to do. “Oh Billy you have to call me supreme ruler snorlax the magical wizard!!1!”
Shut up.
The easiest way to see burning flesh isn’t a nuclear holocaust, but rather to jerk off without any sort or lubrication or care for friction, to the point that it looks like you rubbed your cock on a belt sander. You can smell your hands afterwards, and it is that sweet smell of cock, sweat, and regret.
